I Need Serious Relationship Advice

propose or 'de-formalize' your current relationship.

if she wants to date when she gets back, and you are available at the time, then maybe you two can try again.

[/quote]Mos Def wrote:

Not FP, I think you may be right. But I just don't want to have to give that ultimatum. But I guess it is the only way to know for sure. And I really don't think there is any middle ground, so it really would have to be an ultimatum.[/quote]

While it may in fact be an ultimatum, you have to figure out how to not make it seem like one.

I was in a somewhat similar situation many years ago in grad school when I was around your age. I had been dating someone seriously for about 6 months - also 25 at the time - when my Ph.D. advisor decided to leave for another program and invited me to join him there and finish my research.

I knew I had to choose between the relationship or the opportunity. When I sat her down to have the conversation I really had no idea where it would go. But I told her I was just trying to figure out if we were in the same place. Unexpectedly, she asked me if I was "proposing". We ended up getting married about 9 mos. later.

You are in a tougher place I think because she has the out. But you still need to find out if she is ready to commit, because it sounds like that is what you want. If not, there is really nothing to worry about

Troll ESQ wrote:

Mos Def,

I certainly hope you're a tax or patent attorney rather than someone who might actually have to deal with significant life matters in your work. No offense, but lawyers are hard enough to trust without finding out they go to LetsRun for personal advice.

In my field I do deal with very significant life matters, but I am humble enough to know I do not have all of the answers and when that is the case I solicit advice from those I trust. While LetsRun is inhabited by many trolls and fanboys who would never admit to being hurt and having emotional questions, there are also people who post here that I trust and value their opinion.

Fact #1: She is younger than you and at a different stage in her life. Fact #2: If you care that much about her, you will be supportive of her. If you discourage her from doing this (either directly or subtly), she will likely resent you for it. What if a woman discouraged you from going to law school when you were in your 20's? The reality is that she is still deciding what she wants to be and who she wants to be with. If you give her the space and support she might decide she wants to be with you.

I don't think it is that odd to come to LR for advice, you tend to get some good information from both sides of the coin, albeit a bit too "tough lovey" at times.

I agree with "not FP," I think she is confused about what she wants to do and sees this as a way to do something cool with her life while she still has a chance.

If she has always dreamed of doing this, that is one thing. If it kind of came out of nowhere, it is likely due to her not knowing what she wants to do with herself.

I had a stretch of about 3 years where I was confused about my career. I had a long time girlfriend (now she is my wife) and we wanted to get married, but I did not have a career. I was working as a loan officer in a bank and hated it. I was training my butt off, but that is not related so I digress...

I looked into going overseas to teach English, but realized that it would likely mean the end of the relationship. Instead, I went to see a career councilor and it actually helped me figure out what I wanted to do. I went into thinking it was stupid, but it helped.

I had to move to another State, but the job was great, the city was awesome and I proposed to my girlfriend. She happily accepted, we moved and everything worked out. I am still in the same field, but own my own company. We are happily married with kids (I am a year younger than you).

It was easier for me b/c my wife wasn't a driven career woman. Her passion is art (and now being a mom), so she could do that anywhere. Her only requests are that we live somehwere with a good yoga community and cool restaurants, so she is happy in most progressive towns. Now we are settled, obviously, but i am so glad I did not make that decision.

Like I said earlier, if this is a passion of hers, let her go. I just found that with me, it was just something cool to do since I was worthless at the time.

Is this woman a career woman? Would she be unhappy if you proposed and she didn't have her own "career?"

I just want to ask/add a couple more things:

Some women are unbelievable moms, but do not care about having careers outside of the home. I do not think that is a bad thing. If she is this type of woman, 25 years old and not married, this could be a very terrifying thing for her.

Without asking too much about your financial situation, would you support her if you felt it would solve the problem? I mean, lets say you proposed and asked her to move in and be your wife... do you think she would be happy? Are you that committed to her?

Married Guy Too wrote:

I just want to ask/add a couple more things:

Some women are unbelievable moms, but do not care about having careers outside of the home. I do not think that is a bad thing. If she is this type of woman, 25 years old and not married, this could be a very terrifying thing for her.

Without asking too much about your financial situation, would you support her if you felt it would solve the problem? I mean, lets say you proposed and asked her to move in and be your wife... do you think she would be happy? Are you that committed to her?

I am that committed to her. She has lived with me for about 5 months now, but she was living with me because I live very close to her school. After school she was going to move back home with her mom, but she can't leave now because her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place. She won't leave me with her dad living at my place.

She has very few bills and is able to pay most of them from her job as a pharmacy technician.

I'm not sure she knows what she wants. She talks often about being a stay at home mom with our kids, but then also talks about medical school and now this whole teaching overseas thing.

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Um... Not good. I am not being an ass but this is really not good.

Married Guy Too wrote:

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Um... Not good. I am not being an ass but this is really not good.

Well, I told her I would do anything for her, so we let him stay with us and now its going on a few months and she is not happy about him being there at all, but we can't just throw the guy out.

But yeah, this is particularly hard because I just feel like I've committed myself to do whatever she needs and now she's just up and leaving.

my opinion:

15 months is not very long in to a relationship. In my personal opinion, that is simply the "honeymoon" phase and things start getting real after that amount of time give or take. so i wouldn't get too hung up on how you feel about someone after such a short period of time.

if i were you I'd do what makes me happy, let her do what makes her happy...and if it works out and it is compatible then great. If not, then you have a good shot at making it work with someone else out of the 6billion folks on this planet.

i don't think it's worth the stress and over-analyzing.

again, just my opinion. I tend to go against conventional wisdom for what it's worth.

1998 wrote:

my opinion:

15 months is not very long in to a relationship. In my personal opinion, that is simply the "honeymoon" phase and things start getting real after that amount of time give or take. so i wouldn't get too hung up on how you feel about someone after such a short period of time.

if i were you I'd do what makes me happy, let her do what makes her happy...and if it works out and it is compatible then great. If not, then you have a good shot at making it work with someone else out of the 6billion folks on this planet.

i don't think it's worth the stress and over-analyzing.

again, just my opinion. I tend to go against conventional wisdom for what it's worth.

It's definitely good advice, but being with her is what makes me happy. Anyway, I guess she'll make her choice and I'll go from there.

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Okay, you are a troll. How do you just drop this on us after 2 pages? Come on.

Trollllllllllllllll wrote:

Mos Def wrote:

her dad has fallen on hard times and I'm letting him stay at my place.

Okay, you are a troll. How do you just drop this on us after 2 pages? Come on.

Why would I waste my time trolling. I dropped that in on the second page because its really not relevant to her decisions. We expect him to be gone well before the time she would be departing if she goes. And I don't think she owes it to me to stay just because I let her dad stay with us. So I just don't think it really plays a role in either of our decisions. Although, I guess if I knew she planned on going overseas for a year and a half I would have been a bit more hesitant about doing anything in the world for her.

Why doesn't she go to pharmacy school? Why medical or nursing school?

doing it wrote:

Why doesn't she go to pharmacy school? Why medical or nursing school?

She's been working as a pharmacy tech for years but doesn't really like it, and her dream has always been medical school, with nursing school as a fallback plan. But someone told her about this whole teaching abroad thing and now it looks like she'll go that route.

Ok, this is going to sound harsh, and I may be completely off, but for what I can gather, she might like you but she's also staying with you for material reasons:

1) She has been living with you for $0 rent

2) Her Dad has been living with you for $0 rent (that does sound crazy...or you are a troll)

3) She can barely pay for her bills and you're an attorney, so making 6 figures I assume.

Now when she's talking about leaving for 16 months or so, for no good real reason (teaching overseas, really?), she sounds like she wants to tell you that she's not committed and not that much into you. Sorry bro. You probably should date a woman in her thirties, grad school, good job like you.

happy guy wrote:

Ok, this is going to sound harsh, and I may be completely off, but for what I can gather, she might like you but she's also staying with you for material reasons:

1) She has been living with you for $0 rent

2) Her Dad has been living with you for $0 rent (that does sound crazy...or you are a troll)

3) She can barely pay for her bills and you're an attorney, so making 6 figures I assume.

Now when she's talking about leaving for 16 months or so, for no good real reason (teaching overseas, really?), she sounds like she wants to tell you that she's not committed and not that much into you. Sorry bro. You probably should date a woman in her thirties, grad school, good job like you.

happy guy, it doesn't sound harsh at all. That's why I'm here, I just want to get some honest opinions. And maybe you are right. Everything she has said up to this point leads me to believe she was highly committed and planning a future with me but I guess actions do speak louder than words.

i just finished teaching overseas for a year. it was a fantastic experience. one of my better decisions.

i met a south african guy over there that left his girlfriend. they tried the long distance thing and it worked out. they were engaged as soon as he got back.

but, then you drop the dad thing. sounds like she is mooching and is trying to escape her situation.

then again, what do i know?

little perspective wrote:

i just finished teaching overseas for a year. it was a fantastic experience. one of my better decisions.

i met a south african guy over there that left his girlfriend. they tried the long distance thing and it worked out. they were engaged as soon as he got back.

but, then you drop the dad thing. sounds like she is mooching and is trying to escape her situation.

then again, what do i know?

little persepctive, thanks a lot for your input. It really is helpful as I am trying to figure all of this out.

But I have a few more questions. How easy or difficult is it to go teach abroad. If she decides to do this, does she have to get selected or will they pretty much take anyone?