Dating someone who is not very smart

congrats on completely ruining a decent joke

I know a guy who went out on a date with a girl who said she didn't know the difference between fiction and non-fiction....... She was 22 or so.

Here's the question, how hot would this girl have to be for you to even bother?

I only read the OP, but here's my opinion. Physical attraction is great, but it will not work long term if the mental attraction isn't there. If she annoys you now, you'll be ready to kill her after several years.

You have a few options.

1) You can continue with the relationship and just realize it's only for sex.

2) You can decide to end it and find someone you really will be happy with.

3) You can do #2 while enjoying #1.

nsmb wrote:

Because most younger female posters go to so much trouble to hide their own gender.

Good point.

I'm actually very interested in this subject. I tend to be attracted to gorgeous but not very bright women. I tell myself that it's O.K., since emotional intelligence is more important anyway, and I want someone who isn't just a female version of me, and I get plenty of intellectual stimulation in the rest of my life. I also find that many smarter but not flat-out brilliant women (and men) aren't as bright as they think they are, whereas less intelligent women and -- especially -- those with less formal education and who come from families with less formal education are often charmingly humble.

Still, I suspect that it isn't a recipe for a successful long-term relationship. Eventually, you will probably find -- in fact, you probably already have found -- that after spending time with this person, you crave interactions with someone you can to talk to without dumbing down your language and references to various subjects (current events, independent films, history, literature, and so on). You may also find that there are some unhealthy power trade-offs going on in the relationship (brains for beauty, financial stability for financial dependence, emotional stability for emotional volatility). If there is a large cultural as well as intellectual gap, you may feel awkward when the two of you are with your friends, family, or colleagues. (In fact, if the other individual is stunningly attractive but talks like a "hillbilly," it may seem embarrassingly obvious what is going on.)

So my head says no, but my heart (or something else) says yes.

does anyone else notice the posting debate in this thread between richard mortis and disappear about "what's faster speed or sound?" (which I couldn't say with certainty)

it reminds me of these guys

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EkBuKQEkio

Avocados Number: So my head says no, but my heart (or something else) says yes.

Awww, sweet: Lil' Avo's got a heart-on for Daisy Mae!

after spending time with this person, you crave interactions with someone you can to talk to without dumbing down your language and references to various subjects

Yeah, or to generalize that, you really want be with someone with whom you can be fully yourself. Sure, consideration and compromises are part of the deal here in the real world; but more than a little self-editing takes a toll, whether it's dumbing oneself down, or reining oneself in overmuch to avoid being cast as "oppressor" to a hypersensitive partner's "victim", or whatever. No matter how hot you are for someone, if part of the deal is you can't be pretty fully yourself with her or him, it'll suck.

Maybe less so in a relationship which isn't really super close, in which you each spend a lot more time apart than together.

nsmb wrote:

Awww, sweet: Lil' Avo's got a heart-on for Daisy Mae!

:)

I look at this situation in two ways.

On one hand, every healthy relationship actually involves some degree of settling, because there is no perfect person for anyone. This is the problem that a lot of people in my generation have: they think about relationships in terms of finding someone with compatible personal traits. My grandpartents had much shorter lists of qualifications for a potential mate, but they had a long and happy marriage because they understood that relationships are less about what you bring than what you build.

I also tend to believe that there is no such thing as an authentic, true self. I think we have multiple selves that are expressed through different relationships. You act differently with your buddies than with your girlfriend, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're being false in any particular situation. If you're an intellectual, you can get that stimulation from other relationships (perhaps at work, as Avocados suggested).

On the other hand, I have long ago decided that intelligence and education are on a short list of traits about which I'm not willing to compromise in a relationship. I'll date people from very different backgrounds, people who are unathletic...there are plenty of compromises I'll make, but intelligence isn't on the list. I need to have partners who can surprise me and challenge me. Also, perhaps I've been educated for too long, but when I spend too much time with someone who is significantly less intelligent than I, I sometimes find myself feeling superior. This is the worst side of myself, and I always hate myself for it.

Short answer:

For some people, it can work. For most people, it's a really bad idea.

p.s. Avocados, what did you think of the women at HLS?

disappera wrote:

Sure I do. It's quite obvious.

"Quite obvious." I love that. You sound like a real scholar. I'll give you her number and you can tell her your answer...

800 dude: I also tend to believe that there is no such thing as an authentic, true self. I think we have multiple selves that are expressed through different relationships.

Agreed.

there are plenty of compromises I'll make, but intelligence isn't on the list. I need to have partners who can surprise me and challenge me.

Well then, call it something other than "your authentic, true self" if you must... but if all your selves share this demand, it does seem to be something inherent and immutable about you.

If you're an intellectual, you can get that stimulation from other relationships

One who made that work: Albert Einstein. His second marriage was to a first cousin. Best I recall, she (unlike his first wife) was described as a simple girl, and I believe the marriage was a happy one.

Just curious why you like gorgeous but not very bright women. Being honest, is it because they are gorgeous? Or because they are not very bright and that's cute? Or because they have other qualities and just happened to be gorgeous too? Are you not attracted to women that are gorgeous but also brilliant, or have you just not found any?

I am also interested in this topic. I was surprised to hear a friend say that his wife was much more intelligent than himself. I think it would be hard to be with someone that was considered your intellectual superior, but then again I like to be around people I consider smarter than me.

Enjoy the sex for a little while and then move on. She is not a keeper and you know it; too many differences that can't be reconciled; don't marry her or you will regret it.

Avocados Number wrote:I tend to be attracted to gorgeous but not very bright women.

Yes, I bet these gorgeous women just swoon for you.

Everyone on this thread: please do not use the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" or "hot." You may talk about looks versus smarts, but don't pretend that a single one of you can get with someone who meets the criteria for being objectively good looking. You're runners, for chrissakes.

On the Grid: don't pretend that a single one of you can get with someone who meets the criteria for being objectively good looking. You're runners, for chrissakes.

I'm not a very good runner.

Pics?

Can't believe we are through almost 2 pages and nobody has asked yet. After all, we need to judge her hotness quotient for ourselves.

Brie Felnagle is a runner. Kara Goucher is a runner. So are a whole bunch of other hot, gorgeous, beautiful female runners. Just sayin.'

On the Grid wrote:

Avocados Number wrote:I tend to be attracted to gorgeous but not very bright women.

Yes, I bet these gorgeous women just swoon for you.

Everyone on this thread: please do not use the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" or "hot." You may talk about looks versus smarts, but don't pretend that a single one of you can get with someone who meets the criteria for being objectively good looking. You're runners, for chrissakes.

On the Grid wrote:

Everyone on this thread: please do not use the words "gorgeous" or "beautiful" or "hot." You may talk about looks versus smarts, but don't pretend that a single one of you can get with someone who meets the criteria for being objectively good looking. You're runners, for chrissakes.

hahahahahaha. There's a guy I work with who always talks about these "gorgeous" girls that are after him. He started dating one, talked up how hot she was..... I met her, she looked like Miss Piggy. It was everything I could do to keep a straight face.

My wife, on the other hand, is drop dead gorgeous. I'd post pictures but....

Not a bad person but... wrote:

We have been dating for about 8 months. The physical connection is amazing. BUT, this person is not very smart, didn't attend college. I like to have nice dinners and enjoy a glass of wine. My date wants beer and covers the food with ketchup. When we talk, at first it was cute to hear the mispronounced words, now it annoys me. We get along well, don't fight, have this amazing physical connection but mentally are in a different world. Our family background is also totally opposite which concerns me. The best example I can think of is this person is like someone from the old show/movie "The Beverly Hillbillies" but again not a bad person at all in many other ways.

Suggestions?

Everyone's different, but if I were you, I would drop her like a hot rock. Physical connections come and go, and you can find that with lots of women. Intellectual connections though are tougher to come by, and ultimately they are more important. You are already annoyed by her just 8 months in -- that's a bad sign. Nothing wrong with ketchup and beer though brother! I personally couldn't get past the mispronounced words even for a minute though. It's fine for that to annoy you. Unless you think she's a smart one who is just currently uneducated (and you think she'd like to become educated), staying with her is likely not going to work in my opinion.

Not a bad person but... wrote:

We have been dating for about 8 months. The physical connection is amazing. BUT, this person is not very smart, didn't attend college. I like to have nice dinners and enjoy a glass of wine. My date wants beer and covers the food with ketchup. When we talk, at first it was cute to hear the mispronounced words, now it annoys me. We get along well, don't fight, have this amazing physical connection but mentally are in a different world. Our family background is also totally opposite which concerns me. The best example I can think of is this person is like someone from the old show/movie "The Beverly Hillbillies" but again not a bad person at all in many other ways.

Suggestions?

You're a girl, right? My advice would be the same either way, but I'd probably say it differently if you were a guy. My advice is, you can do better. Women tend to carry more karmic baggage around in relationships and worry over how to break things off. Just tell him it's not going to work out and move on. He won't get it, but... and let me stress this... that's not YOUR problem. You'll be free and available. The right guy will come along. In the off chance that you're a guy, the guy version follows.

It won't work out. Run away before she gets pregnant and you mess up the rest of your life.