I'm of the opinion that commitment to each other and to a shared value system are much more important to a healthy, long-lasting marriage.
Relying too much on feeling it can even get one into trouble when the feelings change a couple years into marriage. Things like "feeling it" and physical attraction are great to have, but they're not the most important things.
I don't know what you should do, but my impression from what you've written is that you're relying too much on feeling. Given how much you both align, seems like a relationship worth pursuing further.
Just my 2 cents. I know it differs from the standard LRC hotness, salary, 5K time criteria.
The type of man you are normally marries a more basic older mother type figure once you hit your forties, as you don't want to be outshone by women prettier than you.This is often a mistake, as outsiders look at the woman first and simply assume you struggle to be attractive to them.
I'm of the opinion that commitment to each other and to a shared value system are much more important to a healthy, long-lasting marriage.
Relying too much on feeling it can even get one into trouble when the feelings change a couple years into marriage. Things like "feeling it" and physical attraction are great to have, but they're not the most important things.
I don't know what you should do, but my impression from what you've written is that you're relying too much on feeling. Given how much you both align, seems like a relationship worth pursuing further.
Just my 2 cents. I know it differs from the standard LRC hotness, salary, 5K time criteria.
I think this might be the only good advice on the whole thread. The distance thing unfortunately makes it harder, since it's hard for me to want to make trips, but I think I have good reasons to do it anyway.
I have good reasons to know that's not the case. She even reached out to meet up when she was visiting a friend over here. I'd honestly be a bit relived if she rejected me, but for me to do the rejection seems like it could be passing up on something good. I wish I "felt it" more
Tell me you're not effing this woman without telling me you're effing this woman.
Your age and life circumstances matter as well. I'd be more inclined to make the effort to see where this relationship goes if you're 35 and dating prospects are tough to come by than if you're 20 on a college campus surrounded by single women your age.
Your age and life circumstances matter as well. I'd be more inclined to make the effort to see where this relationship goes if you're 35 and dating prospects are tough to come by than if you're 20 on a college campus surrounded by single women your age.
I'm solidly in between those 2 situations in terms of both age and potential options nearby. Mid 20s, with a solid amount of single women my age living nearby, but not like college.
If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. You could try a bit longer to see if anything changes but you are young and have options so you shouldn't settle, you can find someone out there who you feel it with and who checks your boxes.
If you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it. You could try a bit longer to see if anything changes but you are young and have options so you shouldn't settle, you can find someone out there who you feel it with and who checks your boxes.
I think my plan is to try a bit more to maybe have something change. The specific thing I'm hoping for now is wanting to make trips to see her. That I think is less vague than some other definitions of "feeling it". If I get to a point of wanting to make trips then I'll try to make it something more, if not then I'll end it.
Your feelings are a way your subconscious communicates with your conscious mind. Doing ignore it, but that doesn’t mean move on either. Understand the patterns of when you have been feeling it the past and what is different vs now then you can figure next steps. Perhaps you think you doing deserve to be happy and therefore are torpedoing it. Maybe you are comparing her to something that isn’t real. Maybe she isn’t the one. Find out why your subconscious is telling you no.
The best I can come up with from this is that I might just be more into white girls. That's an extremely superficial thing, but it does check out.
I always had fun with my now wife, but the serious feelings took a little while. Like half a year maybe? Or a bit longer? I wasn’t worried, because I was already late 20s and had been around the block a bit. At a certain point it started to be deeper and more special.
A lot of people expect there to be lightning bolts and fireworks. Sometimes it’s like that with absolutely the wrong person, and then you spend years in a hellish relationship that sucks the life out of you. Some people never feel that way. And for other people, they feel it way too often. Just be aware that those sort of “head over heels” feelings aren’t indicative of a good relationship, nor are they permanent.
I’d say to give it some time. If you’re having fun and she’s a good fit for you, sometimes the deeper feelings sneak up on you.
In this case the list is what's keeping me having any level of interest. It feels like objectively my reasons to date her are better than my "muh feelings" reasons not to, but it's hard for me to actually want that
have you considered that your list might not be what you actually want?
Not only do you suck at dating, you also suck at making lists.
Personally, I don't see any point in being in romantic relationship with someone who you're not enthusiastic about. Especially if they live four hours away.
I've had relationships where I really liked the person and tried to will myself into loving them. Doesn't work. And then you find someone who you're actually crazy about and realize that you were settling for a half-life.
Objectively she looks good, and I've had a fun enough time going out with her, and values match well, but I'm really struggling to "feel it" for some reason. She used to live close and now lives 4 hours away, which makes it harder to keep feeling it out. Objectively speaking if we had an arranged marriage system and I was arranged to marry her it wouldn't be bad at all, but for one reason or another I'm not feeling super into her. Should I just ignore my feelings and pursue a relationship anyway? I think I'm holding things back more than her at this point. I honestly hate my stupid feelings, at this point, but that's where I am.
So, I have some thoughts on this as I've been in a similar boat. When I first started dating my gf, I did not feel much of any "passion" for her at all. We met off a dating app, went out, had great conversation, but I wouldn't say there was any "spark" really. We continued to see each other, and it felt more like FWB for probably about 6 months. I felt a lot of the things you're describing as she was objectively a great person and should have been a great partner for me on paper, but I wasn't sure about it since I wasn't feeling much passion, even though physical intimacy was pretty good.
However, our relationship grew and developed until I felt like I loved her. It was a slow process and kind of caught me off guard, really. It's been a positive thing. So, my initial advice would have been to give it more time and see how it goes. But you say she's 4 hours away now? That is a lot... The only way I could see that working is if you guys are very compatible when it comes to your love languages (neither needing much physical touch) and also have a lot of good conversations on the phone. If these are not the case, I would be very reluctant to continue being in a relationship with this person unless you have plans in the near future to move closer. Long distance sucks and should always be a short term plan if it arises.