People who got a divorce, why? Are you happier now or no?

GD wrote:

In response to other posters: a person who suddenly becomes nasty and abusive over time or after marriage might well have a personality disorder (Borderline, Narcissistic, etc.), as opposed to a mood disorder like Bipolar.

I've been in several long term relationships. All had their own way of ending, but only one was verbally abusive and it was a marriage that ended in divorce. I can't pinpoint any time in any of my relationships where I'd be just going about my day normally and would then be subject to an insane, illogical bashfest of gaslighting, browbeating, and shunning.

I'm tired of the question "What did you do wrong ?" Do you ask the same question to a 4-year old who gets beat because their parents can't control their own emotions?

I wish I could take blame for the marriage ending and at least pinpoint what I did wrong, but that's what makes the divorce/break up bad. Not knowing what you did to deserve the abuse.

Your ex did not defend her spouse and her kids because she wasn't all in on your relationship. She still viewed her family as a perpetual place to be and land. I would not take this personally; some people of both genders never really launch from their family emotionally and it reflects in their choices and behavior. In my earlier days, I used to lack empathy over such people not launching fully into their marriage and families (emotionally). I had at best neglectful parents, and my incredibly abusive father thankfully abandoned me and my brother, so there was no gravitational pull towards my family. But the fact remains that family ties are strong as most don't have my background where it is easy to leave, and one of the aspects of maturity is truly emotionally leaving the nest. Like all things, something to work on for some. And before marriage, you really need to assess your partner's comfort zone. Your ex may not, believe it or not, been comfortable in the role of being married to an ambitious achiever. I saw this with my brother - All American athlete - phi beta kappa in math, Phd and very well known investor and economist - very successful in every sense of the word. His first wife was just never comfortable with the competitive pressures my brother absorbed. She had no desire to keep up, although my brother made no real demands on her. In this sense, divorce - with its financial benefits - made a lot of sense to her. Her phase of hypergamy was satiated. She ended up marrying a mostly unemployed musician, and enjoys living in a house that she otherwise never could have afforded. My brother ended up with the daughter of a prominent physician who led one of the nation's premier medical centers. She was used to the life. I wish you well.

You tell me Dr Phil…

llort_vbo wrote:

I’d love to hear the ‘other’ side of all these.

1) ‘She got fat’ - Went from a size 0 to 2.

2) Post nuptial shut off - I have a tiny wiener and last for 2 min, so she’d rather play with the rabbit after I fall asleep at 8:30 so that I can get up for my 430 run.

3) ‘She always complains and nitpicks’ - Has the nerve to expect that I treat her somewhat like I did when I was pursuing her or actively interested in her. She resents me taking off for the weekend with my buddies to go to obscure road races in rural areas so I can pick up age-group hardware.

4) ‘Bi-Polar’ - Has normal mood affect and has a normal menstrual cycle because she’s not ammenorheic from pounding out 100 m weeks

I’ll bite.

I shut my husband off because I don’t like sex with assholes. He thought I didn’t like sex but I was taking care of myself. Now I will never ever settle for less.

He begged me to see a counselor or minister to straighten me out, and after 3 minutes Of therapy was told to pack my bags. That day. I did and never looked back for one single second.

It was a total upheaval of my life but dated others since then and am truly happy with myself and my love my friends and my life. I also started a new career which I wouldn’t have if I had stayed married. It’s all good. No regrets at all.

To “Liberals are morons” (a stupid handle, indeed):

You can’t be serious…

She loves Elon Musk and thinks cryptocurrencies are the golden ticket to financial freedom

pics or it didn't happen

My ex-wife is a Fortune 100 executive, loving mother, was a great wife, attractive...

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...but she couldn't improve her 5K PR. Deal-breaker.

yep...... wrote:

Harrier1 wrote:

To “Liberals are morons” (a stupid handle, indeed):

You can’t be serious…

They set fires to many cities, tear down statues that trigger them and dress as the opposite gender thinking they are that gender. Most of these can lead to an arrest record. So yea- poor decisions.

yet they invented the internet that you use to whine about them daily.

I'm really happier now. We had some fine years together and got a lovely kid, but we found out we didn't really love each other. Now I think I have met my soulmate and I hope It will last to the end of time.

GD wrote:

______________________

This is an interesting post. Are you suggesting that women are incapable of running 100m weeks without becoming mentally and physically ill? Honestly, I'm getting very frustrated with the eating disorder and REDS conversation. These are important issues in running culture and among some female athletes, but there are plenty of women who run high mileage and are healthy.

I know you're pointing to the sexism and hypocrisy some men engage in while excusing their roles in failing relationships. This is common, I know. But there are also women who are also jerks and/or abusive. Have you never witnessed a woman mistreating her boyfriend or husband?

In response to other posters: a person who suddenly becomes nasty and abusive over time or after marriage might well have a personality disorder (Borderline, Narcissistic, etc.), as opposed to a mood disorder like Bipolar.

I was mostly just screwing around with a hint of truth. I’ve found that most people are wildly one-sided when complaining about relationships and have no ability to self-critique.

I did not mean to imply that women can’t be healthy and run, but it certainly is not uncommon for them to have an interrupted menstrual cycle when they’re training a lot.

Yes I have witnessed abusive women and I agree they exist. I’m sure most of the posters here are genuine. It’s just kind of low hanging fruit to point out that there are a lot of male posters here who seem to have issues with the opposite sex.

For the last part about sudden changes in personality — I agree with your thoughts.

VXIII wrote:

I'm remarried now. My wife has none of these insane behaviors and is the complete opposite of my ex-wife. I'm the same guy and (even run more races) and we've been happily married for 8 years. Some people are terrible and it's my fault for choosing poorly the first time around.

I think its great that you’re happy and probably matched up better the second time. It might also be that she chose poorly too and it’s not a value judgment on either of you. My 2c.

If you're in the process of divorce, there's reason. Rour relationship is unwell.

Seriously damaged relationships are like cars. At some point, it's best to write them off instead of trying to fix them.

Almost everyone, kids especially, end up in a better place.

I was happy for a while, but then I remarried. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Of course people who get a divorce are happier lmao. This maybe the dumbest question every. One less MAJOR stressor.

llort_vbo wrote:

VXIII wrote:

I'm remarried now. My wife has none of these insane behaviors and is the complete opposite of my ex-wife. I'm the same guy and (even run more races) and we've been happily married for 8 years. Some people are terrible and it's my fault for choosing poorly the first time around.

I think its great that you’re happy and probably matched up better the second time. It might also be that she chose poorly too and it’s not a value judgment on either of you. My 2c.

I don't think she chose poorly. I treated her like a queen, got her everything she wanted, bought us a brand new house, etc. I did everything I possibly could to save it.

I think she has mental health issues that prevent her from forming healthy relationships with anyone. She needs to choose to fix herself. But, it's not my business anymore and I've moved on.

llort_vbo wrote:

I’d love to hear the ‘other’ side of all these.

1) ‘She got fat’ - Went from a size 0 to 2.

2) Post nuptial shut off - I have a tiny wiener and last for 2 min, so she’d rather play with the rabbit after I fall asleep at 8:30 so that I can get up for my 430 run.

3) ‘She always complains and nitpicks’ - Has the nerve to expect that I treat her somewhat like I did when I was pursuing her or actively interested in her. She resents me taking off for the weekend with my buddies to go to obscure road races in rural areas so I can pick up age-group hardware.

4) ‘Bi-Polar’ - Has normal mood affect and has a normal menstrual cycle because she’s not ammenorheic from pounding out 100 m weeks

My ex-wife and I get along very well. BUT- her version is that I cheated multiple times- I never did, never, not even close.

And that her family never mistreated me or my (our) children.

My, now adult, children never communicate with her family- they're not mad at them, they just don't communicate.

If they're in their company, they're polite and friendly.

They have no respect for them.

Mahatma guru wrote:

I'm really happier now. We had some fine years together and got a lovely kid, but we found out we didn't really love each other. Now I think I have met my soulmate and I hope It will last to the end of time.

Could you elaborate? You two both got along fine but simply didn't "love" each other? How old was your kid when you divorced? How has the kid handled everything?

For context, I'm asking because someone close to me semi-desperately wants to divorce but is staying for the kids... It is quite the predicament.