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'Pudgy Patrick' Kiptum
Stripped of His Kenyan Citizenship, Given to Qataris
In a stunning development, Kenyan Patrick Kiptum has been stripped of his Kenyan citizenship and been ordered by the Kenyan government to run for Qatar.
Kenya's star athletes have come under fire recently for forsaking their Kenyan citizenship to accept big dollars from the Qatari government in return for becoming Qatari citizens and representing Qatar in international competitions.
Kenyan officials had been upset by the trend and had tried to implement many procedures to slow down the process so the ex-Kenyans could not run for Qatar immediately. However, with "Pudgy Patrick" the Kenyans have reversed course and immediately ordered Patrick stripped of his Kenyan citizenship to run for Qatar.
Kenyan athletics head, David Okeyo, said this, "We know the Qatari's want Kenyan runners to run for them, so we have graciously ordered Patrick to be stripped of his citizenship so he can run for Qatar."
Athletics pundits were shocked as to why Kenya would so graciously give up Kiptum a 1:01 half marathoner and a star at Oklahoma State in the 1990s. However, after some pressing, Kenyan officials privately said Patrick had disgraced their country by getting fat.
"Look at him. He is a distance runner, yet he is fat. That is totally unacceptable. Older men with wealth and power get fat in Kenya, not star distance runners"
Officials reportedly were impressed with Kiptum's attempt to get back in shape by moving to Flagstaff, Arizona to train full time once again after a few years of serious injuries. However, then they learned that Kiptum was going to all you can eat buffets with LetsRun.com's Weldon Johnson, and had even visited among all things, McDonald's.
"Patrick is a hard worker and supposedly is training hard to get in shape, but when he heard he was talking with Weldon how McDonald's should have an all you can eat buffet, that was it. He's Qatari now. Hopefully they'll give him a lot of money and of course food."
Patrick when contacted was furious with the Kenyan officials. "I'm a proud Kenyan. I have always been Kenyan and always will be Kenyan. They can not do this to me."
To point out his Kenyan bona fides, Patrick pointed out how he nearly stoned to death LetsRun.com's Weldon Johnson when he tried to make Kenyan tea (1/4 tea, 2/4 whole milk, 1/4 sugar) with 1% milk instead of whole milk, and when Weldon tried to put butter on his ugali. And when fellow roommate Peter Vail tried to drink the tea without the sugar, he received Patrick's wrath as well.
Kenyan officials were impressed because no one in Kenya would be caught dead putting skim milk or Sweet N Low in their tea, and were considering reversing their decision. However, they then found out "Pudgy Patrick" was the only member of the house drinking bottled water. They immediately completed his papers making him Qatari.
"Kenyan men are tough. Patrick should drink straight from the mountain streams. I hear one runs right by the house in Flagstaff. Tap water is unacceptable, and he definitely can not drink Diet Coke instead of water (like one unidentified member of the house)," said the Kenyan official Okeyo.
Okeyo refused to budge when it was pointed out to him that the stream by the house is waste water from a water processing plant.
Kiptum was still defiant after his appeal to the Kenyan officials was denied, "I'm Kenyan and will make the Kenyan officials take me back. Even with a few extra pounds I can still beat everyone who trains in the house. Mzungu (white people) could be great runners but they set too many limits on themselves and do not believe in themselves. I have no doubts. Plus, mzungu do stupid things. We went running the other day with a guy in a cowboy hat."
LetsRun.com officials when contacted did confirm the cowboy hat story.
Kiptum continued, "Besides the mzungus, at least the ones in the house here, aren't tough enough (to be great runners). The guys here (in Flagstaff) said they might grimace while being circumcised at the age of 16, and one even said he might cry. I'm kind of embarassed that they call themselves men. American women don't know what a real man is like. Any Kenyan can show them what it's like to be real man in about 8 hours."
U.S. lawyers have contacted Kiptum and told him to take the money he will receive from the Qatari government and use it to pay them so they can sue the Kenyan officials. Kiptum would have nothing do with it, "As I said before, I'm 100% Kenyan. I live in American but I'm definitely not American, thus I will not be suing anyone for no reason."
He continued, "Besides I have a secret weapon up my sleeve. The Kenyan officials do not know that Haile Gebrselassie loves McDonald's. In 1999 Gebrselassie said, 'I love McDonalds and I eat everything I want'. When I tell the Kenyan officials this, they will immediately restore my citizenship and probably make me captain of the Kenyan cross country team as their strategy now seems to be to copy everything the Ethiopians are doing."
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