Tyreek Hill Admits Pro Track Athletes Are Faster than NFL Players: “We All Know It’s True”

By Jonathan Gault
April 1, 2022

New Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill held a press conference this morning in which he admitted that the world’s best professional sprinters are the fastest athletes on Earth.

“Some of us wide receivers can get carried away sometimes,” said Hill, who expressed interest in competing at last year’s U.S. Olympic Trials but never made an attempt to qualify. “I ran very fast as a high school athlete, and maybe I’d be an Olympian if I had continued down that path. But right now, I’m built for a career in the NFL. I’d get smoked by someone like Marcell Jacobs or Andre De Grasse.”

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Hill, 28, said he came to this realization after he sent out a tweet in February challenging anyone to race him. Trayvon Bromell, the reigning US champion and last year’s world leader at 100 meters (9.76), quickly responded that he’d race Hill over 60 meters with the winner taking home $10,000. So far, no race between the two has materialized.

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“I honestly did not expect someone that fast to respond,” Hill said. “And it made me think: Shoot, if I did this, I’d get embarrassed by Trayvon AND have to pay him $10,000. Maybe I need to back off from these outlandish claims. The best sprinters in the world are faster than the fastest NFL players. We all know it’s true.”

Following Hill’s comments and the last-place finish by Seattle Seahawks receive DK Metcalf in the prelims of last year’s USATF Golden Games at Mt. SAC, the NFL Players Association released the following statement: “The NFL has a proud history of speed. Bob Hayes won the Olympic 100 meters in Tokyo in 1964 and went on to a Hall of Fame career with the Dallas Cowboys. Former 110m hurdles world record holder Renaldo Nehemiah played three years for the San Francisco 49ers. We know world-class speed when we see it. But until one of our current players actually proves it on the track, we are asking them to stop talking shit. And we’re encouraging other sports associations to do the same.”

In a related announcement, Jamaica announced it has passed a new law that would make unjustified comparisons to Usain Bolt a federal crime.

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“Frankly, we are sick and tired of pundits from other sports constantly making claims that such-and-such athlete is faster than Usain,” read the release. “Usain set world records in the 100 and 200 meters well over a decade ago and no one has come close to touching them. There should be no doubt that he is the fastest human who has ever lived. Yet every few months, we hear that there’s a soccer player faster than Usain. Or a rugby player. Or a baseball player. It’s absurd. Usain Bolt is one of Jamaica’s greatest natural exports and such slander will no longer be tolerated.”

While the new law can only be enforced within Jamaica’s borders, Derrick McKoy, the Attorney General of Jamaica, said that the country would try to file charges with the International Criminal Court for any overseas publications who violate the law.

“We’re trying to be reasonable here,” McKoy said. “You can still say the name Usain Bolt. He’s not Voldemort. But if you deliberately make a bad-faith comparison based on some bogus 10-meter split, we’re going to be coming for you.”

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