How did your parents not meet your needs? Do you hold it against them?

Could have been better but could have been much worse.

Had a fairly comfortable but not typical middle class upbringing. Parents were opposite in personality and were into their own thing, so at times there was a pretty big void. We were kept warm, fed, and they tried to instill good values (although not conservative-RW attitudes), such as hard work, and education, and treating people fairly/considering those less fortunate.

Mom had a rough upbringing and a volatile personality so you never knew what the next 5 minutes would bring, so everyone had to walk on egg shells or just duck and cover. Sibs were royally messed up with mental illness, substance abuse, narcissistic/ sociopathic behavior. Parents tried to intervene but their efforts never approached successful.

So a lot of family dysfunction but I don't hold it against my parents.

For those that have tried to deal with the benign neglect, what have you done that has helped with the interpersonal problems? What resources might be helpful to me? Mental health professionals in my area seem poorly equipped for benign neglect.

I was fed and clothed and sent to grammar/high school, but that's it. Obviously, there are much, much worse situations out there. I'm just trying to improve my situation.

Well, I'm in okay shape, in spite of my parents. Somebody said once that living well is the best revenge. Kind of trite compared to the words of one remarkable British poet, Philip Larkin. (Yes, that's the title and I did add an asterisk so the mods don't delete).

---------------------

This Be The Verse

They f*ck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.

But they were f*cked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don’t have any kids yourself.

My parents didn't protect me.

I will never recover from it.

EvereeOne wrote:

It seems everyone feel some resentment towards their parents for not meeting all of their needs. In what ways did your parents not meet your needs? Have you been able to get over it? Did you ever tell them?

My father left my mother when I was a small child because she had a degenerative brain disorder. When my mother could no longer care for me or my sisters, she was moved into an assisted living center. My father then moved back into the family home, and he brought his white trash 2nd wife and her two equally trashy daughters. It sure as hell wasn't the Brady Bunch.

So for the next 12 years of my life (until I turned 18, graduated from HS and went to college) I had to live with this b**ch who constantly lied to my father about me and my sisters. As I got older and she learned that she couldn't keep me under her thumb from an intellectual standpoint, she resorted to even bigger lies and various forms of physical abuse (usually blindsiding me with a thrown coffee mug or bottle).

When I moved out of the house and completely cut off communications with my father, he pretended to be completely oblivious to his wife's actions, and he would never hold himself accountable for ruining my childhood. She eventually died (one of the few people who I would say actually deserved to suffer a painful cancerous death), and then my dad came slinking around trying to mend fences. But until he apologizes for his monumental mistake, no dice.

You feel that therapy really helped you? How so? Can you elaborate? Could you have ever gotten through it on your own do you think? I am asking because I am really messed up too and can't seem to get past it. I have complex PTSD.

kjljk wrote:

The real guy like you wrote:

Uhhhh... I know this place is full of trolls who don't admit to trolling, but please, are you being serious? Your post is almost identical to what I went through. I've posted about it a number of times on here, so I can't tell if you're ripping off my story or being genuine.

ha...not trolling in the least, but I'm pretty sure we've run into each other before in similar threads.

Yeah, I think we have.

I don't really want to write out my full story, but I have a brother who is five years older than me who tormented and abused me my whole life. He meets all 7 criteria for anti-social personality disorder (aka psychopathy) and seems to have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia also. My parents never really did much about him abusing me and didn't really seem to even care or notice and would even blame me many times. He got into drugs when I was about 11, then on meth when I was about 15. He was completely insane, wildly insane, yet my parents always brought him into our house even after he said he was going to kill me. This is someone who had already tormented and abused me my entire life without being inebriated at all.

To make matters worse, both my parents were verbally and emotionally abusive, and my mom would harass me any time I was in her presence. She would even come seek me out if I was minding my own business just to start harassing me and telling me how crappy of a son I was and other stuff like that. My Dad always treated me kind of like a disease, something he never even tried to relate to in any way.

I say all that while at the same time being able to see a lot of good things my parents did. Money was never a problem. They always came to my track and xc meets... But I am seriously messed up from it all. My sister snapped from the experiences and is now borderline disabled and an alcoholic. My brother is still alive but belongs in an institution. I don't speak to my mother at all. Having trouble having a relationship with my dad, even though he's 100X better now. I have no one, and I'm so messed up emotionally that I can't sustain any kind of romantic relationship even though there are many girls interested in me. I just can't do it and am pretty isolated...

Decent thread.

My younger sister passed when I was still fairly young. Soon after my parent's went through an extremely rough patch. I am at this point, now the youngest of four. My father was this horrible figure and my siblings and I would avoid him at all cost. Go upstairs if he was downstairs, stay outside and play as long as possible, not speak for weeks.

Soon my parent's split and I was left with my mother. Hardly ever with food. Dinner some nights was a tin of tuna. The heat in the house was never on (very cold part of the country), we would experience "electrical surges" and lose electricity for days on end.

As I grew older I used sports to leave my situation. I was fortunate to get a full athletic scholarship, other wise school was not an option. While away at school I was asked to come home (8 hour flight) to help my mother in court. My father hadn't been paying child support for some time. I was hardly in court but my father and mother showed no love at all. Hard to believe they were ever friends.

Soon after getting engaged I reached out to my father who I hadn't spoken to in years but felt he should know I was getting married. After speaking I soon discovered he may have been different (aspergers) but he did care about us children and he had very contradicting stories of all the horrors my mother had said about him.

Weeks before my wedding my father passed. He never met my wife and never got to see any of the relative successes I had achieved. He died completely alone with a box of pictures beside his bed of us children. Letters, gifts, emails, photos of us children scattered through the apartment. Not to mention divorce papers. My mother had told us they were only separated which was a lie. More paper work showed he was paying a large amount of child support every month to my mother who was spending it on pills and none necessities.

Since this has happened my mother has torn the family apart trying to get "what she earned". This being his estate and our inheritance. I want to be have a working relationship with my mother. Unfortunately I never truly knew my father because of her. Hopefully I can be a better parent for my children.

Also 5 years younger than my brother, but I was not the victim of his abuse and torment our middle sib was. I learned very early (3-4) not to cross my older brother. Ever. A few times he lined us against the wall and slugged us all out in the stomach. We told the parents and they put an end to that. Brother started binge drinking at about 15 and basically was a tyrant. Keggers and parties at the house, with and without knowledge of the parents who, by the time he hit 17 sort of gave up. Witnessed a lot of verbal abuse and some physical to middle sib, and older brother's SOs. Lifelong verbal abuse to my mom, who had issues but was also pretty tough and independent, and financial abuse (by both sibs) when she could no longer take care of herself.

I was mostly under the radar while growing up (but stayed and friends' house much of the time through high school), and kept my distance through most of adulthood, but have cut off ties because he's only gotten worse.

Middle sib is an absolute mess, and wonder how much of that is from growing up in our f'd household under the thumb of a sociopath/bully.

Wow, crazy story but I can totally believe it.

I knew of a family of kids that were told lies until they aged and read the newpapers and court reports.

They had a Grandfather (mom's father) killed by their own dad, but it wasn't murder it was self-defense as both Grandfather and his own "Son in Law" were shot and wounded. Both men could have died. The son in laws wounds show he was the victim and shot first.

That must have been a hard pill to swallow, being lied to for at the least a couple of decades.

Men and women are fallen. Everyone is flawed. Everyone is sinful, unfortunately but we have free will. Otherwise, we'd be robots.

My own parents did their best and then at other times I feel that by my standard they did not do their best but I'm different from them, so ...

I had it rough, big time. But I think that made me the person that I am today. I feel like making an artificially rough situation or scenarios for my kids so that they suffer. They have it easy. I hope they are smart enough to learn by listening and understanding. I hope they appreciate everything they are given.

When I think about freezing my ____ off at night time, I didn't have blanket or bed sheets. I used to be wide awake at 3am.

When I think about my cognizant desire to want to fist fight my own drunken father at the ripe young age of 9 months old. In my mind and memory I was pissed that I wasn't already bigger, taller and stronger so as to jab, punch and kick. At that young age, I couldn't even walk, but I knew something was wrong with him. He confirmed it many times years later. His problem was that he was a drunk and more disturbing a coward. I can't stand cowards. People think I dislike certain others or groups of people. No, it's not that, I just despise cowards, people afraid of things.

No food.

I took great care of what clothing I had.

Was friendly and friends but never went out, no cash.

Stolen bike, not replaced.

No TV set, so not even basic cable.

No direction, had to learn about life and success by observing successful people downtown, as I road the city bus to get places like school.

Concussed a good number of times, wishing someone even knew about those and would have advise so as to skip a few of them.

Saw some things I wish I hadn't from both my Mom's behavior and my Dad's behavior.

I could go on but then I'd be divulging too much information.

I never really felt a part of my family, they were different although I'm very friendly with them today and always have been.

But damn, was it a rough up bringing.

This thread is actually a good one, it makes you reminisce and recall things that you have long forgotten about.

As to often being awake at night, as to - on many occasions - being awake at 3am cold and freezing; I remember times where I'd go to school and sleep right through some classes and being awoken as class dismissed. Also, sleeping on the bus ride.

In my past, I was once fond of drinking alcohol but then one day it hit me that my Dad was a drunk. I didn't want to do anything that he did. So I stopped one day, cold, not a problem stopping, just amusing.

I think this is simply healthy separation. Does this indicate that I hold anything against him?

I don't know but I would say no it doesn't indicate I resent or hold things against them. I would say I don't hold anything against him I just want separation. I don't think I need to have "hug it out" sessions or Kumbaya feelings to prove I hold nothing against people that didn't hold their end of the bargain up.

I don't hold anything against my Mom, but I do want separation as well and I have been separated by many miles and some years.

I'm just a person with tunnel vision and laser focus when it comes to being my best self. I want the same for my kids.

Mixedbag wrote:

I want to be have a working relationship with my mother.

From what you describe, that's not really possible. She's at least an addict.

For those of you hoping to get something from a deadbeat or worse parent, unless they've done a huge amount of work to get their stuff straight, it's not really possible.

My parents met all my needs, but not all my wants. There was nothing to "get over".