Favorite quotes from coaches ....

"My dead grandmother can run faster than that!" we heard this one whenever we weren't running fast enough at practice.

Not my coach but said to another athlete very loudly after the athlete had won his race but didn't run overly fast:

'If you ever run like that again, I am going to cut your dick off and you can run with the girls'

"Run faster."

"The hay's in the barn, man."

My coach told us this right before we went to eat dinner;

"The full wolf never won a race."

If you were in a race with a pregnant woman, you would finish third.

This feels like a repeat thread. But since I heard this quote from my coach 2-3 meets per week for 4 years of high school track, why not:

Coach would never let people know what they were running till we got to the track. Typically he was still making the line up on the bus. Anyway, this exchange happened about 40 times before each meet:

Athlete, wanting to get psyched up for his races: "Coach, what am I running today?"

Coach: "Fast, I hope."

Junior HS gym teacher, during our once a week run the mile for time: "3rd lap's the killer...drive with the arms, gentleman...3rd lap's a killer".

During the physically and mentally painful 3rd lap of many mile races afterward, he spoke to me.

Not running related, but a coach nonetheless.

When asked by a team member if his girlfriend was hot:

"Son, she'd make a train take a dirt road."

"The world is a conspiracy to keep you from training," says our post collegiate coach here in Boston.

Frank Horwill to the 800m field before a BMC race (slightly paraphrased I think): "Now, we're not here to f*ck about. I expect you all to run hard"

Frank on the inside of the track, 1 lap to go: "If that's the best you can do, step off the track now"

The exact quotes can be found in the Pat Butcher book on the Ovett - Coe rivalry. Great book.

Plenty of other completely un-PC quotes from Frank, but you'll have to turn up to one of his Battersea session to hear them.

my hs coach upon seeing a bad race:

"he pissed up a rope"

My coach used to tell me, "You're the slowest son of a bitch I've ever seen." Once I realized he was serious, I killed his dog.

"You're anemic!"... "Did you ever have polio?"... "Hey! do something about those elastic threads hanging out of your shorts...oh wait, those are your legs, aren't they?"

But it didn't affect me. Not at all.

After winning the state qualifer:

"You're the reason your teammate didn't qualify."

Before a hard session-

"The first time I did this session, it hurt. To tell you the truth, I got sick after the session. So just remember that before you start, this one is really gonna kill you."

35 mins later, at end of session, just when I finished getting sick everywhere-

"Lousy effort, I got sick half way through it."

Greatest coach ever. So good, I quit running 2 months later.

I'll be right back (leaves team waiting in hallway for 20 more minutes and told not to talk) I have to take my 5th shower of the day and then we can get started.

With my coach, some of the more memorable ones are:

"Did you take the stupid pill again?" - said to more than one athlete who went out too hard at the beginning of a race.

"You're only as good as your next race." - said to several athletes who were lingering too long on their previous week's/month's accomplishments. He told us that his coach said/says the same thing to his athletes.

"It just doesn't matter", "I don't give a sh!t." - usually said when local running politics are discussed.

And then there is Tony Veney.

All i remember is the dam megaphone.