I am completely different from everyone else in my family.

Congratulations on your awesomeness. Troll on.

I am hoping that you're not a troll. If you are, I guess that I am wasting my time. First of all, you need to spend time with your family. Your parents raised you and obviously did something right.

Think less about yourself during these visits. Get up and do your runs prior to seeing anyone. Don't talk about your runs or make a big deal about them. Just do them, shower and don't bring it up. Talk about your job and what is interesting about it, but in layman's terms. Like you might do at a bar with a girl you've just met.

A lot of the holiday season centers on eating, so it would be cool if you helped out in the kitchen. I do this a lot when I am at home. I make solid dishes that are good as hell and also pretty healthy. Not only does it give you something decent to eat, but it also introduces your family to more healthy options. Also, pick out a few things to do with your brother and father. Maybe do some charcoal grilling or something. You can tell a few travel stories and ask them some questions. Get them talking. Maybe take your brother and father to a bar or out to lunch or something... Just get them talking about things. Throw a football with your brother. It will open things up a lot between the two of you.

Do things for them. You didn't mention a family of your own, so until you have a family of your own, I think you ought to spend the holidays with your parents and siblings. Do your best to make them happy while leaving your wants and needs at the door. Self sacrifice.

Lastly, if this all fails to work, engage your father in some political debate. I do this with my dad all the time and it is hilarious. He has a masters in chemical engineering and an MBA and was extremely successful in the business world. Although he is still very active, he rarely engages any media outside of Fox News. Over Thanksgiving, I argued with him for about two hours about the merits of homosexual adoption (I am straight and married). I don't really have any strong feelings about homosexual adoption, but it was fun to argue with him and watch him get mad. In the end, we accidentally agreed that adoption should never be a "right" for anyone - regardless of sexual orientation - so that kind of killed the argument.

You are a troll home from college. You are bored and you are thinking that you've experienced much and now you daydreaming this scenario because part of you thinks in some ways you are more enriched than your family. They don't seem as smart as they used to.

So you create this little fun troll that actually reflects some of your thoughts about your family.

When do you go back?

I appreciate you trying to help, but you have absolutely zero understanding of how bad things are. Be thankful you've lived such a sheltered life.

It is an inevitability that parents and siblings lose all self awareness once the kids are in adulthood and cling to the same patterns in life for fear of anything new or different. To be free of this trip is a big privilege. My sister still eats Apple Jacks for breakfast (she is 48) has not worked more than one year of her life despite an Ivy league degree (used one child's moderate disability as an opportunity to avoid getting a real job) and will only talk about all the things I did when I was 7 years old whenever the family gets together. My father has the patience of a four year old and always makes a scene at restaurants about something. I have step parents on both sides who are solidly unbearable as they get older. My stepmother is so bad with my kids that my father thought that he shouldn't visit because my kids hate her so much, implying that my kids had some psychological problems that needed to be remedied before it would be safe for them to visit again. And there are all sorts of family dramas (father and sister are essentially estranged for over a decade).

The way you deal with this is the realization that you are now the adult and the rest of your family basically are children in a way. You cannot disown them for being annoying. You have to endure it as much as you can stand. You have to rise above the bad behavior and be the adult in the room. I could have thrown a fit at my stepmother and father for trying to blame my kids for not liking my stepmother, but handled the situation diplomatically and managed to successfully diffuse the situation. I see my family very rarely and they never bother to come visit me. As the youngest, my family thinks that I am obligated to always be the one who has to travel to visit. I could make a big fuss about that, but realize that I do not really want any of them coming to visit me.

What happen to my thoughtful response regarding the random distribution of talent and genius? There was zero component of trolling in my contribution.

#1 It reads like you define yourself "opposite" of them. It's good that you have a very functional professional life. Over time, you may discover the nut does not fall far from the tree. Those other people are in you, somewhere.

#2 There is often a person that "gets out" of the family paradigm for whatever reason.

I'd be very interested to know how successful your personal relationships are. What's your dating life like?

To sum up your post

1) Your parents watch Fox News

2) You have been to 11 countries.

3) You are getting a phd.

Logical conclusion: you are a brainwashed narcissistic nitwit who hasn't traveled very much and thinks you're smarter than thou.

Disappointed in Des Moines wrote:

What happen to my thoughtful response regarding the random distribution of talent and genius? There was zero component of trolling in my contribution.

The mods deleted the thread the first time. Luckily I was able to page back to my post and post the thread again. It really is a shame. I greatly appreciated your thoughts.

Delete this thread mods wrote:

To sum up your post

1) Your parents watch Fox News

2) You have been to 11 countries.

3) You are getting a phd.

Logical conclusion: you are a brainwashed narcissistic nitwit who hasn't traveled very much and thinks you're smarter than thou.

No, man, that's not even close to an accurate synopsis. My siblings' behavior and psyches are such that they can't even hold down a job washing dishes in the back, and my brother is completely out of control. Imagine a 190lb mentally handicapped man on speed who rants and shouts and swears literally non-stop all day long every day. That's basically what he's like. You say, "Brother, be please stop talking," and he then goes on to cuss you out in front of everyone before going back to ranting about whatever he was ranting about. My sister is similar but is much less abrasive and offensive about things. My Mom is like a very outspoken Nazi or KKK member, and my dad doesn't even know what state I live in because anything outside of Here is all the same. You could play "Thriller," and he wouldn't know who sang it. You could watch X-Men and he'd have no idea what was going on because he's never heard of them, Marvel, or super heroes in general. He genuinely believes fried chicken is healthy and thinks anyone who spends any time doing anything but working and sleeping is stupid. He discouraged me from running in college even though I was on a significant athletic scholarship. I could go on forever.

It really is like being in a room full of children, only it's much less frustrating to be around actual children than adults with the ability and mentality of children. None of them have any desire to hear anything about me or my life, so there's really nothing to be gained from the relationships. They're almost entirely one-sided, and a person can endure such a relationship only so long before breaking it off completely (or nearly so). I've reached a point where I feel like I don't really care to have anything to do with them 99.9% of the time.

That's Great! Keep us updated!

I can't imagine myself, a devoted family man, writing this, but if I were in your situation, I'd just find my own life and not return home any more, except for holidays if invited. My family gets along pretty well, but we're all busy and so don't see each other much anyway.

White Sheep wrote:

My siblings' behavior and psyches are such that they can't even hold down a job washing dishes in the back, and my brother is completely out of control. Imagine a 190lb mentally handicapped man on speed who rants and shouts and swears literally non-stop all day long every day.

Just take care of yourself and have some compassion for them from a safe distance. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree. Maybe you fell JUST far enough away from the tree.

I'm still interested to know what your relationships are like, how many, how long they last.

OP

This is a very common trend. Especially in areas or neighborhoods with people of little motivation. Many of these people are glass half-empty types, and will privately wish you to fail to make themselves feel better. I have experienced this personally, from my own siblings and former high school class mates. Pursue your dream! You will be surrounded by more and more people similar to you, and you will soon be the one bumping into people in stores when back home, and little chit chats will leave them feeling like they wish they had studied more, or had your ambition.

As almost every coach has said in one way or another; "focus on what's in front of you, Not what's behind you.."

Great, you're growing up and trying to deal with real independence.

You will get through it, and come out the other side...in what form, I have no idea at the moment. Because you are the only independent one, you will be reviled by most, and at best, not understood by those who don't revile you.

Your situation was/is exactly mine, right down to the obesity and Fox. I'm now almost 50, and have had my own life since I left home at 17. Professional degrees, travel, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. etc. It will be very trying at times, you need to find your own way of dealing with it, even if a large measure of that dealing is via avoidance.

It's also amazing at how resentful some people can be. It's probably not about you, so much as it is about them. Try to remember that, as they heartily reject your offers, and ideas, of help, improvement, and progress.

In the end, you are likely to find that the relationships are a one-way street: downward and backward, for you, while they remain stationary. Realize that you are the stronger, because you are the flexible who can adapt to different situations...and because you are flexible, that it is you who actually has the greater degree of control, not only over the relationship, but over yourself--for you have the self-control to change yourself.

Hopefully you have a significant other who understands your situation. Mine actually shares the situation, it's wonderful. Together we can manage both of our families in small doses, if only just barely.

Yeah have sort of lived that too. My dad was solid but passed away several decades ago. My mom also did some amazing things and was well educated, but not at all in science. However she was self centered and temperamental, and could become volatile if you didn't agree. Still I kept in contact out of respect for my dad, as well as for the fact that she was my mom. She was also very critical of my spouse. In the last decade she developed dementia, and was nearly impossible.

I have 2 sibs and they are deadbeats. One is an alcoholic and a bully, if not sociopathic. The other is bipolar and obese. Neither can hold a job. They took tens of thousands of my mom's retirement income for themselves and expect no accountability. Just trying to get through this legal process and once that's done I will not have anything to do with my sibs. The bully in particular, because he is a threat to my safety and my family.

Anyway, you have to find if there is anything for you in the relationships. If your interactions are toxic or they are abusive then it is time to cut ties. If there are connections, then a limited basis might work. A phone call here and there and maybe lunch once in a blue moon.

White Sheep wrote:

I appreciate you trying to help, but you have absolutely zero understanding of how bad things are. Be thankful you've lived such a sheltered life.

This response leads me to reassess and makes me think its 75/25 that this is not a troll. I think this response above is so consistent with your MO on this that you are likely telling the truth. You wrote so well and seemed so perceptive in some areas I figured you were a troll because you were so insensitive and blind in other areas.

My advice for you though is not stuff that you would want to hear.

Conundrum wrote:

White Sheep wrote:

I appreciate you trying to help, but you have absolutely zero understanding of how bad things are. Be thankful you've lived such a sheltered life.

This response leads me to reassess and makes me think its 75/25 that this is not a troll. I think this response above is so consistent with your MO on this that you are likely telling the truth. You wrote so well and seemed so perceptive in some areas I figured you were a troll because you were so insensitive and blind in other areas.

My advice for you though is not stuff that you would want to hear.

Please explain how and why I'm blind and offer your input. I'm very open to it.

Also, thank you so much to the people who have shared their experiences and offered some input. It generally feels like I'm all alone in this and nobody understands, so it's very helpful just to know there are others out there who've had to deal with this sort of thing and are getting on okay, have cut ties, etc. I think that's my biggest problem: that I have had them be too much a part of my life (even though I only see any of them once or sometimes twice a year). Even once a year seems to be too often, and I need to reduce the amount of communication I have with them also. It's always negative, and they just bring me down.