I grew up upper middle class in a Los Angeles suburb. Solid high school, mostly prosperous parents. Not rich, but very comfy.
Among my peers I know of 2 marriages that have lasted 15+ years. Maybe 3. And mine is one of them.
And probably 20 divorces plus a few never marrieds.
Is that normal? WTF is wrong with us?
Hmm, I've seen tons of marriages blow up in the mid-30's range. A lot of people are just desperate to get married as a status symbol, not realizing it's a ton of work, and that unconditional love is required to make the relationship healthy. These days, we are more ego-centric, and not willing to put in the work that helps benefit our partner and our relationships.
Unfortunately, a lot of woman marry out of selfishness, while a lot of men marry out of desperation.
most people I know are divorced (including myself) ... Marriages does not work anymore,It's usually the women that initiates the divorce, because they rarely have nothing to loose. I tell my son, please never get married and don't have kids it will ruin you.
NoName wrote:
most people I know are divorced (including myself) ... Marriages does not work anymore,It's usually the women that initiates the divorce, because they rarely have nothing to loose. I tell my son, please never get married and don't have kids it will ruin you.
Do you really know yourself and did you too not have nothing too loose
Nope- my cohort must be enlightened and selfless.
most people I know are divorced (including myself) ... Marriages does not work anymore,It's usually the women that initiates the divorce, because they rarely have nothing to loose. I tell my son, please never get married and don't have kids it will ruin you.
Kids raised by baby-boomers don't know how to take care of themselves much less a marriage. They are not just selfish, but they don't even know how to be selfish. How many adults do you know that can barely cook themselves a meal? Seriously. Kids just didn't learn how to do stuff for themselves, nor did they expect to have to.
People who have failed marriages like to declare that "marriage doesn't work anymore". No, it didn't work for you.
I would say OP, that your situation is an anomaly. Maybe the state of California has something to do with it. I know three couples well who all originated from California, and 2 of the 3 of them got divorced. Here in Ohio, I have two friends who are divorced, and every other married couple that I know well is still married, including all members of my immediate family and extended family...my parents and inlaws are still married. My brother is married. My sister is married. Brother-in-law and 10 cousins on both sides who were married are still married, and all of them are working on 20+ years.
Marriage isn't for everyone. People who know how to get along with each other, problem-solve and show love are those who are successful. While marriage is definitely a two-way street, I do recognize that sometimes ONE of the two completely sabotages a marriage. USUALLY though, both are at fault when it comes to divorce.
NoName wrote:
most people I know are divorced (including myself) ... Marriages does not work anymore,It's usually the women that initiates the divorce, because they rarely have nothing to loose. I tell my son, please never get married and don't have kids it will ruin you.
Glad my dad never told me that it would suck going through life alone.
Marriage and kids are like running you get out of it what you put into it, neither one is always easy. I have enjoyed both and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
Flagpole wrote:
People who have failed marriages like to declare that "marriage doesn't work anymore". No, it didn't work for you.
I would say OP, that your situation is an anomaly. Maybe the state of California has something to do with it. I know three couples well who all originated from California, and 2 of the 3 of them got divorced. Here in Ohio, I have two friends who are divorced, and every other married couple that I know well is still married, including all members of my immediate family and extended family...my parents and inlaws are still married. My brother is married. My sister is married. Brother-in-law and 10 cousins on both sides who were married are still married, and all of them are working on 20+ years.
Marriage isn't for everyone. People who know how to get along with each other, problem-solve and show love are those who are successful. While marriage is definitely a two-way street, I do recognize that sometimes ONE of the two completely sabotages a marriage. USUALLY though, both are at fault when it comes to divorce.
I think I just got unlucky or there was something weird about my cohort.
Saw this today - that marriages made in the 1990s, which describes most of my cohort, are holding together better than older generations. The trend is toward fewer divorces, interestingly. Many think otherwise, citing facebook and online dating as sources of marital stress.
of course, wealthy people have hardly any divorces -
But I think a major factor behind the lower divorce rate these days is that it seems more acceptable for women to have children out of wedlock, so many never get married in the first place. whereas in the past they might have gotten married just to have kids. so there may be simply fewer bad marriages - which is not a bad thing.
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=1"About 70 percent of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary (excluding those in which a spouse died), up from about 65 percent of those that began in the 1970s and 1980s. Those who married in the 2000s are so far divorcing at even lower rates. If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of marriages will never involve a divorce, according to data from Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist (who also contributes to The Upshot)."
NoName wrote:
Marriages does not work anymore,It's usually the women that initiates the divorce, because they rarely have nothing to loose.
The quickest route to poverty is to become single mother after divorce. There was recently a spike in the divorce rate because the economy improved in the US and women who had been holding on to bad marriages finally were able to become financially independent and divorce their husbands.
A prior comment about women having kids out of wedlock seems to be spot on. Some women are terrible in relationships. My sister-in-law has two kids and has never been married. Both kids were accidents. She is currently in a pretty good relationship, but won't marry even though her boyfriend has asked. I think she knows that she will eventually find a way to ruin the relationship as she has done a number of times in the past with some very decent guys. So, people who are getting married now are more committed to the concept and are not simply going through the motions to have kids or cohabitate.
I'm over 50 and I've been married 25 years. The vast majority of my friends have remained married for somewhere in that ballpark.
48 now. Married at 42. Best decision I ever made was waiting to get married, and marrying somebody 15yrs younger than me. +6yrs and very happy.
A lot of friends got married in their early 30s, and it did not last. It seems you realize early on that there is stress. I have not had that.
It requires a lot of flexibility, esp with kids. There is a ton of shit that has to get done, and you can either pay for it, or share the load. somebody will end up doing more work. It is inevitable. If you are not relaxed about this, you will have trouble.
Flagpole wrote:
People who have failed marriages like to declare that "marriage doesn't work anymore". No, it didn't work for you...
While I agree with the sentiment that you expressed here I find the fact that you are the one expressing it to be hilarious. You are constantly coming on here with "pearls of wisdom" on topics from A to Z with your entire argument amounting to nothing more than a couple of anecdotes from your life or that of your close acquaintances.
Next time you decide to post an opinion on any topic try to recognize how irrelevant your singular story is.
I'm 50, married just once, 20 years now, - although, the last few years the wife and I have come close to calling it quits.
I think divorce at this age is probably more common. I think for most people, this is the age when your job is likely to be most stressful. Usually this is when responsibilities and position on the career ladder peak, but, with the economy recently, wages have not. Kids have either just left or are getting close to leaving. This is an additional stressor, and, often, is a factor in divorce, since lots of people stay together only because of the kids and, once they'r gone, so is the marriage. This is also the age when most women go through menopause. So, even if you are spending time together, it's not always pleasant. With that, too, sex dries up.
Usually, if couples make it to 60, they tend to stay together. Proabably too tired to go out and start a new life.
Bleah!
Oh The Irony wrote:
Flagpole wrote:People who have failed marriages like to declare that "marriage doesn't work anymore". No, it didn't work for you...
While I agree with the sentiment that you expressed here I find the fact that you are the one expressing it to be hilarious. You are constantly coming on here with "pearls of wisdom" on topics from A to Z with your entire argument amounting to nothing more than a couple of anecdotes from your life or that of your close acquaintances.
Next time you decide to post an opinion on any topic try to recognize how irrelevant your singular story is.
What else do we have if not our life experiences?
doo doo wrote:
Oh The Irony wrote:While I agree with the sentiment that you expressed here I find the fact that you are the one expressing it to be hilarious. You are constantly coming on here with "pearls of wisdom" on topics from A to Z with your entire argument amounting to nothing more than a couple of anecdotes from your life or that of your close acquaintances.
Next time you decide to post an opinion on any topic try to recognize how irrelevant your singular story is.
What else do we have if not our life experiences?
Are you a REAL man?!
Oh The Irony wrote:
Flagpole wrote:People who have failed marriages like to declare that "marriage doesn't work anymore". No, it didn't work for you...
While I agree with the sentiment that you expressed here I find the fact that you are the one expressing it to be hilarious. You are constantly coming on here with "pearls of wisdom" on topics from A to Z with your entire argument amounting to nothing more than a couple of anecdotes from your life or that of your close acquaintances.
INCORRECT!
People underestimate how complex and difficult love is. To get to the simplicity of wholesomeness and goodness--was it ever easier? I'll just say that it is certainly hard to come by in today's era. If you want to have a fairytale romance that lasts, you have to defeat Hook. You can't run away from the challenges of the world. Social competition is vicious. Mr. Gentleman who saves the princess has to have a stiff pimp hand. It sounds terrible but that's what I've come to learn. ...
And a lot of Christians marching to the altar haven't done their homework either.
Know yourself, know your enemy and your victory is never in danger.
Therefore you can count on divorce as being the norm in the system tending towards free movement and entropy.
In a culture with too much distraction, multimedia, job and success pressure, gossip and confusion... And not enough meditation.
Even for the smartest, most motivated, most physically fit among us who have seen, heard and thought about true love, these challenges remain true and formidable.
How much more so for those who are simply "dating," "sort of in-love" and trying to settle down?
Piety counts but a lot of church going Christians fall in the latter category.
Some also don't have the wisdom that comes with battle scars and mistakes.
And some--secular and religious--have had scars that make them disillusioned and forget the name of love and piety.
Maybe
The more I have, the less I know.
Maybe someday this will be figured out.
You can bet people have been struggling with these issues for a hundred generations...
Flagpole wrote:
Oh The Irony wrote:While I agree with the sentiment that you expressed here I find the fact that you are the one expressing it to be hilarious. You are constantly coming on here with "pearls of wisdom" on topics from A to Z with your entire argument amounting to nothing more than a couple of anecdotes from your life or that of your close acquaintances.
INCORRECT!
HOW FUNNY!!