Running after Divorce

you get over it, you just have to keep in mind that it was all fake. With the cluster Bs, it is a game with lots of smoke and mirrors.

Every time you think of something nice about that person, realize that wasn't the real them. They put on a false self. After consistently reminding yourself what they were really like, your heart catches up with your head and you become at peace. It takes time but it was the easiest, and most honest way to get through what seems like true love gone awry.

You summed it up right here. I sincerely hope you believe what you wrote. I went through the same thing, except she left us (kids 4 and 7). It took about 8 months to realize we were far better off. She's somebody else's problem now.

You have to take comfort in knowing that in a year or so, you will be in a far better place. In the mean time, think about your health. Vow to take care of yourself , But I would not race.

What the hell is wrong with you? That's the real question here.

I was married to a Borderline. Be thankful that you didn't have children. I did. Do you have any idea the hell my son goes through? We're divorced now but there isn't a day that doesn't go by that she isn't plotting against me or my son. You should NEVER have contact with this woman again. You have a choice. I don't.

Now back to my original question. What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you marry a Borderline? That's a question I had answered in therapy. If you're missing being with a Borderline, then there is something seriously wrong with you. Get in therapy. Get the answers. I did.

As far as the running goes, yeah, you need to be running. You need to be racing. You need to be hitting on the ladies at the races.

Fat Boy wrote:

Now back to my original question. What the hell is wrong with you? Why did you marry a Borderline? That's a question I had answered in therapy. If you're missing being with a Borderline, then there is something seriously wrong with you. Get in therapy. Get the answers. I did.

I'm sorry - looks like we went through the same thing. Well, why did I marry her? As you may know, borderlines go through what they call an "idealization phase". I have never been treated so well in my entire life. Borderlines are very good and reading emotions to get you exactly where they want you. She displayed no signs of a disorder. Once the emotional high of engagement, marriage, and that first home wanes, they go through a "devaluation" phase.

Devaluation is the lessening of someone or something. It often results from triggered-distorted thinking. It often takes the shape of negative, judgmental, critical and angry conclusions. Once I put my foot down about having kids after our first year of marriage, I became instantly devalued.

Everything I did became "not good enough" because I stopped playing by her rules all the time.

Once you are devalued, it then turns to hatred. I didn't see any of this coming. We went to counseling, nothing worked.

I'm taking solace in the fact that it was not me...and that any subsequent person she dates will eventually go through the same thing. Hopefully, they do not marry her like I did - as they'll be able to bail easier.

Why am I missing my borderline? It's called Trauma Bonding according to my therapist. You are so used to placating, adapting to this persons need, using your mental strength to keep things civil, that once you leave, you go through actual WITHDRAWALS of not having them in your life. It is seriously messed up. Essentially, you begin to LIVE for this terrible person's happiness...almost like Stockholm Syndrome.

Dude life is short. Get over it. It's like a breakup. Everyone goes through it. Forget her.

I did 18 months of therapy, 2-4 times a week. Best money I ever spent. Now I know why I dated losers. Never again. It sounds like you are on the same path. So it will all work out. You will take your life back.

Yes, Borderlines are very good at 'training' you. It's time to stop being a lap dog. It would be impossible for her to return any affection to you. It would be impossible for her to have any feelings towards you. You are a 'mark'. She can't feel any other way about you. It is pathologically impossible. She is not wired that way.

Never go back

The therapy will help

Just do what running you feel like. Cut that 8 miler down to a 20 min spin

I don't really have a lot of advice except to say that I am familiar with dealing with someone that has borderline personality disorder. Get the hell away from anyone with BPD. It is frigging misery dealing with that disorder. I am sure you already know that.

She is now making someone else miserable. Thank the stars it is no longer you.

I know. Running on hate does not work for everyone. That NYC marathon winner that one year. He just had a divorce. That is one tough SOB. Anyway. Yeah. Hang in there. Mourn and grieve. Set a time limit. Get back too running. Time and tide waits for no man. You will find someone else. Maybe better. Feeling shattered pick up the pieces soon. Good luck.

I too have been separated from my wife now for close to 9 months. She filed for a divorce just before we moved out from one another and I moved home which is across the country. Nothing bad happened between us, we just did not have chemistry and were different in so many ways. Through it all and our many struggles and since I have been back, I have never given up on her or our marriage. As hard as it has been and as bad as our marriage has been at times, I have continued to fight and fight and fight for it. Faith has kept me in it for this long and doing the right thing, God's way!

So I like you have battled for the first time in my life depression. She has shut me out. Not bc we could not be great as friends. But bc I still want it to work and she doesn't. It's been hard! Very hard. So I have battled serious depression and could not find happiness in much of anything including my teaching job. Running and working out for some reason is the ONLY think that I have been motivated to do for some reason. Do I have some days where I am not and it's the last thing I want to do? Yes. But for the most part if I had not had running through all of this and my strong faith, I would have been pretty bad off.

My suggestion to you is to find that passion for running you have deep down. Use it as your medication and your motivation. Really try and feel blessed that no matter what you are going through, God has a plan for you and running is a gift from Him that you can always fall back on. It's been the one constant in my life through the good and bad and it helps me so much when the bad comes around.

Best of wishes through it all. I finally hit a point last month where I am done trying to convince my wife to do it God's way and not hers. She is not there yet, but she will be one day. Regret is a tough thing!

Depressed Local Runner wrote:

Dude, two things:

1) Depression is no joke. Please go to your doctor in addition to therapy to see if you can be helped (even if it's only needed temporarily) to get over this funk.

2) Look what you said here about your ex-wife - "...has Borderline Personality Disorder which made our lives miserable." I don't know you or her obviously, but you described your life with her as "miserable". That can't be something you would voluntarily go back to.

Good luck, brother.

I realize everyone is different, but running and exercise have always helped me to overcome sadness/hurt/depression in the past. If running 6-8 miles isn't enjoyable, find something that is.

I have to give it to you straight. Get your act together. I don't mean this in a negative way, but a positive one. Just do it - quit dwelling on the marriage.

Forget about racing. Forget about how fast you run. Forget about running to drown your past problems with your self-centered ex-wife. Run to enjoy it, and to stay in good health. It takes bravery some times just to be yourself - so what - just do it.

And quit beating yourself up. Narcissistic people can be the most charming when they want to be. You got hooked - so what - hardly unusual - narcissists are masters at getting what they want. My father is one, and a severe one at that. Heck, I didn't choose it - so I don't dwell on it. Be glad you didn't have any children who would have to constantly be manipulated by this woman - it would be your problem as you seem like a decent guy with empathy and you would be spending all of your time with a rejected and wounded kid.

And let me tell you why you are crazy (not in a clinical way, just in a helpful way). Run with any local running club - it doesn't matter - seven, eight minutes a mile. If you don't find yourself having opportunities to date any number of eligible, nice young women, I would be absolutely shocked. Just be nice, humble, and yourself. Again, I would be shocked if you don't find someone who makes your life happier. Get it together - and don't make it this hard. I mean these things in the best possible way. Good luck.

Hey Sherlock -

No one, including my family and real ex husband would say I am a narcissist or have BPD or multiple personalities. Like I've told you over and over I have minor bipolar disorder and only need a low dose of medication to make up for my serotonin production. Does that make me crazy? No. Wanting to be with you was the only crazy thing about me, at least that's what my friends and family have said. My friends and family know me. Obviously you don't, unless you are trying to demonize me so that it feels better inside every time you remember that you lost me.

I think if you are describing me in an unrealistic way to your therapist, you are not going to get much help. Think about what you are saying? You tell your therapist, "she reported me to the police!" well, duh, you repeatedly wrote about wanting to kill me. I haven't even been kissed in a year and a half and you repeatedly cheated on me, even with my best friend. You've told me I'm fat and stupid. You've lied to intentionally hurt me. You've videotaped me naked and put it online. You've used me to bet with your friends and made money off of it. You've put me down repeatedly, lied to my parents, guilted me in to staying with you by telling me gross things about sexual things with your mom and that your grandmother died.

Of course I stayed with you -you broke down my self esteem and I lost my sense of self so much that it is still difficult knowing how to function without worrying about you getting drunk or stoned or screwing someone. I have a job now and I think it will help me recover from the damage I let you do to me. You're LR friends know the truth.

You are wasting your money at therapy if you are continuing to tell lies. But at this point, I don't care.

I separated from my son's Dad when my son was four and I was in the greatest shape of my life at age 34 with a fantastic college coach giving me work-outs.

The separation also resulted in depression for me when I realized how hard it was being a single mother and the pain of not having my son's father with us. It definitely affected my racing, although not so much my training.

Not sure if there was any recourse as my son's Dad was drinking heavily at times and verbally abusive. In hindsight, 26 years later, I wish I had pursued marriage counseling, but maybe that's just because my son's Dad just passed away and I realize that I really did love him and am missing him.

Divorce sucks especially if you have kids.

Depressed Local Runner wrote:

I really love this post. I'm not trolling either. Believe me, it was hardest decision I've ever made.

So here's my question, do you really suggest I pull out all the stops and really go after her? I did write her a beautiful letter a week or so ago that didn't ask for us to reunite, but rather state how much I really did love her. No response from her...and I took that as pretty much the nail in the coffin.

Are you serious?? Be done with that woman, done with her I say. Move on with your life and you can most likely have a very enjoyable existence. You don't EVEN want to think about going back to that miserable winch (you said it, not me). You'll suffer for it for the rest of your life if you get back into that relationship. Right now she is nothing more than an addiction for you. That's all it is. Beat the addiction.

My Two Cents wrote:

I separated from my son's Dad when my son was four and I was in the greatest shape of my life at age 34 with a fantastic college coach giving me work-outs.

The separation also resulted in depression for me when I realized how hard it was being a single mother and the pain of not having my son's father with us. It definitely affected my racing, although not so much my training.

Not sure if there was any recourse as my son's Dad was drinking heavily at times and verbally abusive. In hindsight, 26 years later, I wish I had pursued marriage counseling, but maybe that's just because my son's Dad just passed away and I realize that I really did love him and am missing him.

Divorce sucks especially if you have kids.

Wouldn't dwell on it too much lady. I doubt marriage counseling would have helped given the circumstances. If you're with a substance abuser, there is no turning that around unless THEY are willing to do so. And most of the time, they are not. I would say it was a very good thing you left when you did.

You need to stay out of relationships for a long while until you can learn to live relationship independent. Right now you are basically co-dependent and that's not a healthy place to be.