My sister and my mother are in homeless shelters

Your sister kind of sounds useless and I don't think helping her will change that. Your mother sounds like most of what happened to her has been mostly bad luck if I were you I would reach out and help her get back on her feet

What you wrote does not read like your mom's problems are self-inflicted. So, what I'm writing is based totally on what you wrote above...

Dude, it's your MOM! And she's 67! All that happened to her and you won't help?! How the hell could you NOT help her following all that?! If your wife won't allow your MOM to live with you for a while, your wife sucks as a human being. If you won't let your MOM live with you for a while, YOU SUCK even worse as a human being. This will not risk your life with your children. Your kids will get to spend quality time with their grandmother. You don't want her in your house? Fine. Seems like you could help her rent an apartment, though, since, as you point out, you're doing really well.

Dude....IT'S YOUR MOTHER!!!!!

Your sister is a different story. But if I were in your shoes I would be very torn over her kids. The kids didn't ask for that life, but bringing a (potentially) troubled kid into your home is not an easy decision to make.

The Stache wrote:

What you wrote does not read like your mom's problems are self-inflicted. So, what I'm writing is based totally on what you wrote above...

Dude, it's your MOM! And she's 67! All that happened to her and you won't help?! How the hell could you NOT help her following all that?! If your wife won't allow your MOM to live with you for a while, your wife sucks as a human being. If you won't let your MOM live with you for a while, YOU SUCK even worse as a human being. This will not risk your life with your children. Your kids will get to spend quality time with their grandmother. You don't want her in your house? Fine. Seems like you could help her rent an apartment, though, since, as you point out, you're doing really well.

Dude....IT'S YOUR MOTHER!!!!!

I know, seriously. Is this guy trollin us, or are there really people as heartless as him?

Maybe he's just a true hard core conservative and his attitude goes like this:

Yeah, I know it's my mom and all. And yeah, she got totally chewed up and spit out by my Dad, and sure, 1/2 her family died at one time, and her daughter was a complete train wreck, so sure, she had some tough times, but.....she shouldn't have taken time off work to deal with some of this. And too bad the economy sucks, especially for old people to find a new job. She should have seen this coming and had a plan, and been a hard-worker like me. She is basically a free-loader now (social security? What a joke!), one of the 47% Romney so eloquently spoke about. If I help her, this will just make her think her behavior was appropriate. She needs to learn. Good luck Mom!

My personal experiences aren't as tough as yours, but sort of similar. I sometimes feel odd about the relative comfort of my life right now compared to family members.

I recently got some great advice from my therapist...be generous with your family. It feels good to give.

Never Easy wrote:

I help to the extent where it doesn't compromise my life too much. I can't risk my marriage and life with my children to do too much for them.

What do you do, specifically?

Dick Doobey wrote:

I recently got some great advice from my therapist...be generous with your family. It feels good to give.

ha ha...that's classic. You needed a therapist to tell you that, to be "generous with your family" ?? I mean, I understand the part where we should learn to be generous and giving to perfect strangers, but to your immediate family?

(and I understand the sister situation. I have one of those "problems". But she is not 1/10 as bad as the OP's sister, and I have offered to pay for grad school, rehab {a bit of a drinking problem, not full blown, but not good}, and given her a lot. So....I am very generous to her. But yes, one shouldn't just give people like that boatloads of cash, because that won't work. So yes, the younger sister with the problems is a tricky situation. Not the Mom with the bad luck though......geesh. That's a no brainer)

If you got divorced and lost your job you would be running back to your mum's house

Sounds like your wife is not very sympathetic

I agree with most of the responses.

I feel bad for my sister but she has been self destructive and you can get sucked in and pulled down. Two of her children are in better living conditions. I don't know what lies for her two youngest.

With my mom, there are of course complications.

She did stay with us for a short time a few years ago.

She got a chunk of money from the sale of her house 10 years ago and was not good with it.

She is not forward looking in any of her decision making.

Over and over she has gotten into a spot where she needs help. There has always been drama that has stressed my wife.

I feel she (my wife) could be more empathic. That's her worst quality. But her other qualities are very good. Her response is to just give "tough love" and let her figure it out. That kills me.

My mom owns land free and clear that is worth $40K but has not done anything with it.

I have been working with a realtor and a mortgage company to see of we can sell the land and buy a cheap house with a small mortgage. I have offered to co-sign but my added debt makes the debt ratio too high. Her income is too low.

I contacted someone who was renting a cheap apartment and offered to pay the security deposit but got no response.

I have been paying her cell phone for 10 years. I fill her gas tank, buy her food and give her money when I can.

I live and hour and a half away.

I have provided phone numbers for her to call for social services but she kept putting that off. I can't speak for her.

Honestly, a short term stay with me doesn't solve the issue and would turn into a long term stay or permanent stay. That stress would turn pretty bad.

As for helping to rent an appartment or even finding a room, my mom would have to do the leg work to decide where she wants to be. And any application would get turned down for lack of income without documentation of cash being given to her or without a co-signer.

She has to have a direction to start with and isn't helping. She is just letting things happen as they come.

I understand everyone is different. I personally know that it's my responsibility as a son to take care of either of my parents when they are older and in need. They took care of me for 18 years... so for your mothers situation 67 + 18 is 85 and she'd probably be gone by then. She is your family, heck she is your mother. Sure she's not good with her money, most elderly people struggle with that aspect of life due to how much life has changed since they were in there 30's. They simply don't understand the "new America" and how things work.

Try understanding her situation. She seems apathetic to you, but she's probably scared, depressed and confused. Try some empathy. Don't be an enabler, but provide them with the help and direction they need to create happiness in their life.

I know I will always have an open door for my parents. Sister who's on drugs? Heck NO! But her kids? Heck YEAH, come live with me. I already have my wife's younger brother living with me because his parents simply couldn't guide him correctly (they are 70 and he's 16) due to the generational gap. Does it cost me money? Yes. Is he really my responsibility? No. Does it cause more stress in our household? Yes. Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY! This is a 16 year olds life, he deserves it.

Take care of your family, at the end of the day they are all you really have.

OP, it sounds like your sister took money from your mother and your mother encouraged it.

I've seen this in my own family in several generations, one sibling is incredibly hard working, another takes advantage of their parent and is lazy or much worse.

Your mother justifies it because thats her child, when in reality what your sister needed was to break her addiction when she was younger and before she could have cost your mother hardship.

As far as your mother goes, she deserves it to an extent but you and your brother should send her something every month, a small amount enough with her SS will keep her from being homeless but not enough for her to give some to your sister so your sister continues to kill herself.

As far as your sister goes, cut her off. She has a husband who can work. She has to pay for doing what she did to your mother. If everyone acted like your sister the world would be a terrible place. In fact I often say thats the problem with the world, freeloaders and what freeloading leads too, drugs, unwanted children, suffering, crime.

I disagree that freeloading leads to drugs, unwanted children, suffering and crime.

I am most definitely not a free loader and I have an "unwanted child" due to an ex gf going off the pill without telling me to trap me into marrying her since I had a job and money - it was her way out of debt and someone to take care of her. I also had an issue with drinking. It took a DUII and rehab for me to kick that problem (alcoholism runs in my family). Once again, I have always had a great job and never relied upon others for my benefit. I have also been arrested 5 different times, have 4 mis and 1 fel on my record. All done while I was an alcoholic. My life of 10 years while an alcoholic had major suffering. Point being, freeloading is not what causes all the bad you listed. I've worked since I was 14 and paid for everything I have ever had in my life. I'm the exact opposite of a freeloader and outside of drugs have had every issue you listed as a result from freeloading.

There are plenty of losers who are 30 and still living with their parents who have no issues with the bad you listed. Also there are plenty of hard workers who do have issues with the bad you listed. I see little correlation with freeloading and the evils you listed.

Here is what you do:

1. focus on your mom to get her out of the shelter.

2. take time out of work, or over a weekend to get the property listed and sold.

3. at the same time, discuss options with your mom on where she will live. There are low-income senior living centers, small apartments, living with some-one else (there is a program but I forget the name. google it), renting a room in someone's house, etc.

4. get her to agree on one or 2 options and find the place for her asap.

5. Front her the $$$ difference (between the $800 and what her actual costs are) AFTER you both agree on a budget (food, gas, car insurance, phone, rent, etc).

6. Tell her once the property is sold, you would like to manage the proceeds for her with the understanding that you will again pay for only the shortfall after her 800 is used for rent.

a. it's up to you but you can also agree that you will be reimbursed for any funds you provided once the property is sold.

7. this action will allow her to take some responsibility and for you to assist her as a son should.

Your sister is another matter. Resolve your mom's situation first and then you can think about your sister but she has to be willing to change her life. It can and has been done so she will need to see the light.

All the best,

I have been working my a** off trying to make it on my own. I don't want anyone paying for my living costs, nor do I want to live with you. All I needed was for you to care enough to not screw me over so that I could have the opportunity to achieve some of the goals I have for myself.

I don't EVER want to hear that you love me. Not in lyric, not written out. Never. The fact that your actions are so destructive, hurtful, and completely opposite from your words makes you the trainwreck, not me.

you sound like a repeat offender with no regard for the law.

Honestly I don't know why our society even allows people like you to breathe air.

Maybe society really is to blame for a lot of its problems as it doesn't trim the hedges and pull the weeds.

1. Actually being in a shelter is good because she has access to the right people and programs that can get her out of there and into a place that she can handle.

2. I've taken time from work and weekends on this. Found a realtor to list the land. She has to take action and agree to list it and at a reasonble price, not the artificial one in her head. Still working on this. It doesn't happen fast.

3. I've gone over all living options with her and continue to do so. I can't make her follow throguh on any certain program or place.

4. Get her to agree on options? Easier said than done

5. She won't accept much money unless my father gives it to her. Different headache there. But i can help some

6. I have no problem managing her money if she will let me. I'd prefer to use the money to buy a small home or condo and get a mortgage which would be cheaper than any rent. Financing is difficult these days.

7. Trying to get to this step

There may be hope but it is seriously stressful.

And on the selfish side, it is hard to enjoy success when others are struggling.

Quickly poising yourself to be the biggest a$$hole on letsrun Congrats. Quite an accomplishment.

slkjw wrote:

you sound like a repeat offender with no regard for the law.

Honestly I don't know why our society even allows people like you to breathe air.

Maybe society really is to blame for a lot of its problems as it doesn't trim the hedges and pull the weeds.

You seriously want me to die simply because I have a record? A repeat offender should DIE? You don't even know what I'm guilty of. Seriously, get over yourself. I don't have to die because I was caught shoplifting when I was 10 and then got a DUII (blew .06 but they still popped me) when I was 33. My felony came from sleeping with a girl who I hooked up with at a college party, turns out she was under age by TWO WEEKS and I got busted.

Get a life. People break the law, not all infractions are worthy of death. You people are amazing.

So how is the running going?

The running is OK.

I had a knee issue and missed a lot of running last year and thought I was done.

Was able to run OK in the fall. No races last year, though.

I often do little over the winter but have gotten in a good 3-4 days a week, mostly treadmill running.

Helps with the stress.

I'd like to race this year, maybe have a shot to go under 18 for 5K.