Asking a fathers permission to marry his daughter, what should I get him?

if the father says 'no' then all bets are off

time to find another gal

never divide a family..

Someone said a pocket watch. I say a real watch.

Patek.

It's the least that you can do.

I am a 28-year old Texan (a liberal, educated Texan), and I can tell you that a family's blessing was asked prior to the engagement of virtually every one of my similarly educated, liberal friends. It is de rigor down here, and I can't think of any engagements of friends where a "blessing"/ permission wasn't first sought. So yes, MANY people still do it.

As a grown woman, I'm really irritated by the idea of asking my parents for "permission" before proposing. Just ask me first, and then you can ask for their blessing. And I am close to my parents.

In my experience (I suppose I should say in the experience of my family and friends), the questions are mere formalities. There have already been discussions with varying levels of specificty, and it's clear that there's consent on all sides.

Mr. Obvious wrote:

No Booze or Cigars?

Hookers and blow.

POD, LOL.

Okay, I excepted an answer like that, just not the first one off the bat, timing, as they say, is everything.

Sounds simplistic, but true. I can't imagine being like a friend who has been married 20 yrs and still has a terrible relationship with in-laws, and has lost out on all the belonging and support that a good in-law relationship can give. In its place is a palpable bitterness.

I always figured that it wasn't worth a lifetime of discomfort and strategizing dealing with inlaws who aren't happy with you from the start. Either the girl is gonna show her family-stripes sooner or later and, like them, not want you around, or she is gonna be forever at odds with the folks, and it'll keep coming up: stressful holidays and expectations, keeping the grandkids away or constantly dealing with this underlying tension when you should feel content.

I know a family of ten kids(!)most married, and the sibs and parents think the world of each other. Everybody should go for that; you'll have a way better life.

Speaking of simple. While your sentiment is a good one, it ain't that simple.

My brother gets alone wonderfully with a similar family, where there all get along. Only thing is they are all sick in their own way. Their style and outer manners seem all sweetness and light, they just make horrible decisions, and screw over other people in business and life...and then are "heartbroken*" when people are upset or disapointed in them. (Instead of taking responsibility.)

Human beings are a very quixotic, kalaescopic psychological social mine fields to navigate.

Mating is a crapshoot, even with the best infromation, intentions and guidance.

Several studies have shown that only ten percent of those who are married are actually in love or happy. One study in Europe, and a few years later one in the USA came up with the same results.

Add to this that over half of all marriages fail. Add to that that the most successful marriages statistically are...The Third Marriage. Add to all of this that in relationship counseling there is a relatively new term called "starter marriages," to refer to the few marriages many people have before they evolve, grow up, and choose better.

Remember how long the post nuptial shut off threads have been.

I still feel that you need to ask the father, its an old time tradition, but i still feel this is good for the family.

For those of you who feel that it is still important to ask the father's permission and give the rationale that it ensures friendlier relationships with the woman's family, would you also want the woman to ask her boyfriend's father for permission?

Well, this is a story wrote:

I'm 6'3" and my father-in-law is 5'5". He didn't really like me, and still doesn't.

I told him I was marrying his daughter, and left.

This is the cheapest and most obvious thing to do.

I wonder why he doesn't like you. You sound like a great guy.

Okay, for those of you who don't seem to understand...

I don't think you are quite grasping the traditional aspect of this. Likely, the OP and his girlfriend have discussed getting married. I would wager she knows they are getting married, just doesn't know when he is going to propose.

So... The only reason you ask the parents first is to keep it a surprise. It isn't like you are arranging a deal with the dad. It is a sign of respect, much like shaking someone's hand, thanking someone for something or the million other traditional social functions we perform on a daily basis.

Plus, I agree that it is very important to stay on good terms with the in-laws. You not only marry the woman, you marry her family as well. PLEASE KEEP THAT IN MIND YOU LITTLE YOUNG'ns.

As a father of a 3 year old daughter, I will say that I hope someday her boyfriend comes to me for my blessing as well. Not b/c i feel like she is my property, but b/c I have devoted blood, sweat and tears to that little girl. I would die for her in an instant. I feel it is a nice gesture to assume I might be interested in who she is spending the rest of her life with. No, it is not mandatory, that is why it is a nice gesture.

Hahahahaha It is so obvious that the people who disagree with this are the ones that will never have a happy relationship with anyone. So typical. I wonder why you are all so miserable.

You obviously don't grasp that the basis for this "tradition" is that women were considered property and to get a woman to marry you, you had to arrange to buy her from her father. Yeah, it's changed a bit over the years but asking permission, or even blessing, is still based on the tradition that women are property. They aren't. The roots of the tradition are offensive.

God, I hope these women are very young, I can't imagine a grown woman (>25) being at all comfortable w/ this "tradition".

Exactly. Women are not property anymore. The comments about the goat are exactly right if you are still into this kind of lack of respect for women. The same time that goat dowries went out of stile, so did fathers right to choose who their daughter marries.

My wife would have smacked me upside the head if I had asked. The rest of her sisters and her dad are still pissed about it 10 years later, but my wife thinks I did the right thing in not asking.

The OP might consider what he will do if the father says no. I think it would be much worse to marry after him saying no than without asking the question at all.

niarun wrote:

The OP might consider what he will do if the father says no. I think it would be much worse to marry after him saying no than without asking the question at all.

Uh... That is a huge warning sign that the OP would probably like to know about before hand. Ignorance is not always bliss.

Mr. Obvious wrote:

You obviously don't grasp that the basis for this "tradition" is that women were considered property and to get a woman to marry you, you had to arrange to buy her from her father. Yeah, it's changed a bit over the years but asking permission, or even blessing, is still based on the tradition that women are property. They aren't. The roots of the tradition are offensive.

God, I hope these women are very young, I can't imagine a grown woman (>25) being at all comfortable w/ this "tradition".

You obviously do not know many women, nor will you ever be happy. You look for the bad in everything.

FYI, the roots of marriage itself are offensive. Women were considered men's property. Things change.

Smart Bug Man wrote:

Hahahahaha It is so obvious that the people who disagree with this are the ones that will never have a happy relationship with anyone. So typical. I wonder why you are all so miserable.

Actually, I've been married for 12 years now and with my spouse for 14. Not only do we both have excellent relations with both sets of in-laws but our parents all get along. No permission requested from either set of parents. None needed.

just so I know wrote:

Smart Bug Man wrote:

Hahahahaha It is so obvious that the people who disagree with this are the ones that will never have a happy relationship with anyone. So typical. I wonder why you are all so miserable.

Actually, I've been married for 12 years now and with my spouse for 14. Not only do we both have excellent relations with both sets of in-laws but our parents all get along. No permission requested from either set of parents. None needed.

They are either dead or harboring resentment against you. It will emerge. Just wait.