I realize there was a topic posted similar to this a few weeks ago. Has anyone ever gone from close friends with someone to dating them? What changed about your relationship that made this happen? And if you broke up with them were you still friends?
Just don't be this guy: http://xkcd.com/513/
Nerd humour! Love it!
I just favorited that site. Thanks for posting it.
Before you get your head all twisted in a knot thinking about this friends forever BS, let me tell you how is plays out in real life. Let's get one thing straight- you are not her friend. You might not hook up and you most likely legitimately enjoy her company, but the mere existence of your thread shows you aren't really satisfied with a platonic relationship. Congrats...you're human.
So let me try to answer your querries through my experience to show you one example of how this friend/relationship thing can play out.
-personality couldn't be more compatible
-Nothing changed for me. I had been chasing her around since I was 14 but I was a late bloomer and finally I started looking more like a man instead of a little boy, and thus became more attractive to her. After the growth spurt my pestering and teasing looked less like a little kid she was babysitting and transitioned into the flirting of pseudo-capable mate. So I guess you could say that I was never really her "friend" because friend was never my intended status with her but it did take a whole high school campaign and some serious puberty to break out of that.
-was a shitty boyfriend for a few years(i was young and didn't know what i was doing and a part of it was me transitioning from a flirty little boy into somebody more than that)
-long distance=inevitable break up
-we are still very good friends years after we broke up
-Girls believe it is possible to turn EXs into friends after the fact, however this is unachievable. If you think I'm wrong then you are in for a wild ride. The closest that girls can get to a post-relationship friend are ex-boyfriends that tolerate a friendship out of fear of losing somebody close. The girl can't tell the difference, but the dude sure can.
-The hardest part about moving back to friend status is hearing about the new boyfriends or even somebody else she is interested in. As a friend emotional reactions or sarcastic quips are not allowed. Honestly it feels like somebody is squeezing your heart with a vice grip every time you hear this and it sure as shit messes up the rest of your day.
This is never a problem with the other girls I've dated that did not stay "friends" because I never talk to them anymore, probably because I was never as close to them as the friend-girlfriend.
-Also be prepared for constant remarks of "how if we were still dating" years past the breakup date. This will always keep you thinking about how things could've been, just in case there was any chance that you might start forgetting soon.
But anywho, you might as well go through with it because if your asking anonymous internet posters you are already headed down that path. Just don't expect the "let's stay friends" bit to be a good idea when you do break up. It's a head twister.
Jaded drunk man signing out.........Payce!
Spot on.
onceuponatime nailed it. wisdom, esp the second half of the post.
Can you square these two quotes:
onceuponatime wrote:
-we are still very good friends years after we broke up
and
-Girls believe it is possible to turn EXs into friends after the fact, however this is unachievable.
I'm confused. Are you saying you can't be friends because you want more? Try and get back in there.
Jerry and Elaine are still friends.
what I should have said in the first part is that we still talk
Ex-boyfriends don't turn into friends...I stand by that.
Female here. I have never dated my best male friend. However, one of my ex's is one my best friends now that we've been broken up for quite a while. I guarantee there is no "what could have been" going through either of our minds. While we meet key character traits that are important, there are certain important . . . quirks . . . that do not mesh. It makes it easy to be friends knowing that there are key areas where we are not compatible. And if he's just "tolerating" the friendship for fear of losing someone close to him he hides it really well. In short, it's possible to remain friends but not probable. I think I'm in the minority with this friendship.
Nice post onceuponatime. I wish I knew that years ago when I was younger and stupider than I am now.
Elaine and I used to date and we are great friends.
I've headed down this path on two separate occasions now, and it's been a train wreck both times. Fortunately it got weird soon enough in that we could both pull back without having it ruin the friendship. But there are still those moments where you're sitting across the table talking at dinner or hanging out or whatever, and you're thinking, damn, she looks good tonight; too bad she's going home to -------. Even when I'm in a relationship too. Those moments hurt. If it only lasts a while, you will be able to go back to being friends. If it's serious and goes on a while, you will never be able to get anywhere near what you were before. And I would disagree about it being possible to be friends beforehand; even if you would love to get with her, sometimes it's just such a foreclosed possibility that it never becomes important in your life. Then of course all of the sudden she falls for you, you have a couple weeks of incredible nights and you're happier than you've ever were before, and then she's like "this isn't a good idea." Then you're miserable.
Anyway, go for it dude. If it works out, it will be wonderful, and life's nothing without risks. Look at it this way: if it goes wrong, you're going to have some pain. But if it goes right, it will be wonderful. If it doesn't go at all, you'll be looking back wondering for a long long long time. Hell, what if, instead of saying "ok" when she said it wasn't a good idea, I'd have said "no, I'm fighting for you."? Maybe I wouldn't be drinking boxed wine and posting on letsrun alone in my dormroom on a Thursday night. Maybe I would be posting on letsrun drinking boxed wine on a Thursday night with my best friend snuggled in my arms.
yes, despite the narrative I've given of one way it may turn out in the end I second Bonzai's recommendation to give it a shot. "Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...and all that hocus pocus. If she is that important to you than it should be a no-brainer really, and the tales of woe from some no-names on a message board should not matter. You can't go about it looking for foreseeable consequences down the road; you have to live in the now to a certain degree. You might end up a little miserable at times when its all through, but if you and her are really that connected to begin with than you might be on the verge of starting something beautiful that you will never forget for the rest of your life. That right there makes it all worth a shot.
...post some pics!
Females can be "just friends" with males. Males, however can not, regardless of what they (we) say, be friends with females. I have never met a straight male who could honestly say that he had a female relationship motivated by something other than sex.
I, myself, have called females "just friends" while knowing that I had secretly, even subconsciously, was physically attracted to. This condition is called being a guy. Call it shallow if you must; I call it honesty and biology.
Failure to see it this way makes you gay, a liar, or delusional.
onceuponatime wrote:
yes, despite the narrative I've given of one way it may turn out in the end I second Bonzai's recommendation to give it a shot. "Better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...and all that hocus pocus. If she is that important to you than it should be a no-brainer really, and the tales of woe from some no-names on a message board should not matter. You can't go about it looking for foreseeable consequences down the road; you have to live in the now to a certain degree. You might end up a little miserable at times when its all through, but if you and her are really that connected to begin with than you might be on the verge of starting something beautiful that you will never forget for the rest of your life. That right there makes it all worth a shot.
Occassionally you stumble upon that one rare diamond while sifting through the mountains of crap that is letsrun. onceuponatime, my friend, you just touched me in a place no man has ever touched me...
But seriously, both of his posts are spot on. I had been great friends w/ a girl for years, I tried many a move but alas was always rejected for the timeless 'fear of ruining the friendship' thing. Something changed and she finally decided to give us a shot, both of us fell head over heels (and i would never use this term lightly, in fact i doubt i would use it regarding any serious relationship before or since), and after a few years I pretty much eff'd it up one way or the other. When i came to my senses, it was too late, and she had moved on. Still stings to this day, but as onceupon said, it was absolutely worth it, heartbreak and all. Good luck, kid.
I have never received so much praise on Letrun lol. Maybe I should have used my real handle so that I get some respect when I post about running related things.
Some of it I wish I could take back though. I feel bad for scaring this kid probably half to death about how it COULD be when she's not there anymore (though others did comment that my stuff was accurate). This is one of those life experiences that you need to find out for yourself and not let other people dictate it to you. Dating his girl is probably a good idea cuz who knows what he'll miss out on.
onceuponatime = official letsrun love analyst/doctor from here forward
motion seconded
dont do it... i went from being best friends with someone and friends with all of her friends to dating her. broke up after two months and now i dont ever see or talk to her or her friends anymore. lost 4 friends in the process. if i had to do it over again i would do things differently of course.