20 somethings not growing up

Interesting article, thanks

That used to be me and I regret it very strongly. If I could do it over again I would have been out of my parent's house at 18, or 20 at the latest. To hell with the divorce rates. It's far more important to become independent as soon as possible than it is to worry about all that other shit. Yes you will make mistakes- often serious ones. The point is that you learn from them.

I'm 19 and I can definitely say my parents and many of my friends' parents coddled their children for way too long. My parents just now kicked my brother out of the house (he's 25), and it was only after roughly 8 years of drugs, alcohol, and frequent jail visits. Some of my friends went off to college literally not knowing how to turn on a stove because their mommy cooked every single one of their meals, even breakfast. They nearly pissed themselves when they left for college, despite having their parents come visit them every single weekend.

I have a brother who is 37 and lives my parents.

(I left the house at 19 and only went back and lived at home for 1 year at age 25 and left for good and moved out of state. My mom gives me the guilt treatment for moving out. She thinks kids should live with their parents until they get married. I am korean american. Not sure if that makes a difference.)

I also have a male cousin who is 39 and lives with his mom.

I have two female cousins age 33-37 who still lives at home.

They all live in Chicago.

It is sort of ridiculous how coddled these kids are. A couple of baby boomer parents bought the house across the street from me for their kid to live in while he goes to graduate school. They pay for his college, his car, and his house (he is now 25). The dad said to me, "if he graduates, we will give him the house" (house is worth about $150k).

It has been funny/sad watching this kid destroy the house. The first year was parties every other weekend. Someone broke the screen door. Junior can't fix it, so Daddy drives up from 2+ hrs away to do it. In fact, Mommy drives up every other weekend to CLEAN (as far as I can tell). The kid treats the place like crap, it is clear he has never paid for a thing in his life...so he doesn't even have a concept of working for something.

I can't imagine going through life like that. I was out of the house at 18 and totally self-supporting (to include college tuition, etc). You learn some responsibility that way, and the things you have mean a lot more because you've worked for them.

I didn't read the article yet, but what you say sounds like virtually *everyone* I know, including those of my generation (40) and my parents'. Doesn't sound like a brand new thing at all but the direction we've been going since at least the end of WWII.

Financial dependence can be a symptom of larger problems, but is not intrinsically a problem.

I've actually considered moving into my parents' house because they are gone for 9 months of the year and they would like me to take care of the place. My sister lived there till she was 28, but she was working a corporate job and making plenty of money. She just didn't want to set up her own household when all she needed was a place to sleep. In continental Europe, it's always been common for people in their 20s to live with their parents. However, some people live at home because they can't hold down a job. This is obviously a problem.

I think the problem that a lot of 20 somethings have is that they are addicted to choice. Although they have enough opportunity to do anything, they think that they can do EVERYTHING. However, every choice means turning one's back on another option, so they are paralyzed and unable to move forward.

A generation ago, financial stability was less of a foregone conclusion, so it was the common goal for young people. After growing up in the 90s, many in my generation think that financial stability is a god-given right, so they try to set "bigger" goals, and end up achieving nothing.

I think that this generation will turn out alright in the end. The problem is that, with increasing wealth, societies have always slid back the moment of "coming of age." Adolescence is a historically recent phenomenon. Now, in the United States, it's slipping even into the 20s. Eventually, I think there will be a consensus about the best age to truly grow up. Most people would agree that the material luxury that facilitates adolescence is a good thing. It represents progress that 15-year-olds are not getting married and going off to war. However, I doubt that it's beneficial for one's 20s to be spent in extended adolescence. As an earlier poster mentioned, we'll have to wait until we see what becomes of this generation, before we can come to a definitive conclusion.

Ultimately, wealth itself enables extended adolescence, but only if parents permit it to. On one hand, you can look at the demise of great American families like the Kennedys. One the other hand, I have some friends who are very hard working and motivated, despite having parents who are worth between 10 and 400 million. Such anecdotal evidence lease me to believe that wealth is an enabling factor, rather causal.

800 dude wrote:

Such anecdotal evidence lease me to believe that wealth is an enabling factor, rather causal.

leads...rather than causal.

sorry

I think a huge problem with today's young adults (in their 20s) is that college makes everyone think they are going to get their dream jobs. Society now tells you to go to college get a degree because you'll get your dream job and enjoy years of financial security upon graduation. No what you'll enjoy is living in your parent's attic while you look for a job, or maybe you hit it right and just go right to grad school which will continue to compound the debt you (or your parents) are in.

People are afraid to come out of college and rough it for a couple years. They won't settle for a job that doesn't sound like the american dream. No one wants to have to actually bust their ass to get ahead, they say looky here i got a diploma where is my boat and retirement fund. Everyone goes to college now, so just going to college doesn't get you shit. There is no work ethic anymore, college is relatively easy to get through, and requires no real sacrafice. The college atmospher just spawns a bunch of morons who know how to look proffessional for 8 hrs out of the day but have no clue how to live off a limited income, raise a family, or really exist in the work force.

I know I've made the mistake of coddling my kids. I also know that I'm not the only one. As a result, there are a bunch of kids running around with a sense of entitlement.

My oldest was actually griping the other day and said that he could "only make $50K starting salary in his chosen field." Hell, inflation has not been that bad over the last 20 years, but I made $17K my first year in the same field.

Meanwhile, we've spent a lot of money for him to do the things he wanted to do in sports and other things. However, he is never satisfied. He is supposedly miserable at the college he is attending and will transfer next year. The only reason I'm allowing that is because it'll be significantly cheaper for me. If it wasn't for the money, I'd make him stick it out.

It has been somewhat depressing to see him leave the school, but I couldn't put my finger on it. My wife nailed it last night when she noted, "We've spent a lot of money for him to attend that college with all its opportunities. All he does is complain and gripe about it. You would think he could be a little grateful for the opportunity we gave him." She's right.

We give kids fancy cars, computers, and all the other stuff so that they will be happy.

To those of you who have to work to get your cars, schooling, and other things, you will be farther ahead in the long run because of it. Those who are used to the good life are in for a real shock when the gravy train stops.

not all 20 somethings who move back into their parents' house can't grow up. sometimes it's just practical and the stigma of living at home isn't as prevalent as it used to be. i'm about to graduate and start an entry level job at 50k+ a year. i want to pay off my student loans and save as much money as possible in the next year, so why not live with my parents for a year, or until i can't stand it? i don't party often or bring guests home, so i'm saving over 1k a month. i'm fairly independent--i talk to my parents maybe once a month--but i won't pass up something this financially smart. i'll be more financially secure in the long run by reducing my expenses early on.

Blah Dee Da wrote:

I have a brother who is 37 and lives my parents.

(I left the house at 19 and only went back and lived at home for 1 year at age 25 and left for good and moved out of state. My mom gives me the guilt treatment for moving out. She thinks kids should live with their parents until they get married. I am korean american. Not sure if that makes a difference.)

I also have a male cousin who is 39 and lives with his mom.

I have two female cousins age 33-37 who still lives at home.

They all live in Chicago.

yeah i feel like its popular in chicago. I have frieneds in their early-mid 20s (not 30s) living at home. my mom couldnt wait to get rid of me...

I have a nephew, 28 years old, still living at home and he has never found a job on his own. In HS his sister got him a job and since he graduated from college ( graduated in six years, living there and coming home on weekends) he has had 3 jobs in the last 4 years, all set up by his father. The recently bought him a new car because the other was "getting old".

I will be truly amazed if he ever moves away from Mommy on his own.

Well, I guess this article sort of describes me (didn't read the article, but have read many like it). I've gone to private school all my life and am now almost one year out of college. I go back to my parents house on the weekends, and my mom cooks for me, and gives me food for the upcoming week, does my laundry, buys my groceries, fills my car (her car really) with gas, etc. I've never really made my bed except for boarding school because I've always had a maid/nanny. In college, my mom would come and visit and bring food, clean my room, do my laundry, etc. I can cook pretty well, but picking up after myself, nto so much. I try not to be spoiled and by this I mean not buy too much random junk (no expensive cars, useless crap etc). I have no clue how I'm going to raise my own kids if I have any, except I know I'll just get a maid.

Luckily for me, I'm not going to be "outliving my resources" since I stand to inherit $30 or so million split three ways.

I can relate to the person who said that their kid doesn't seem real happy withy anything and lacks motivation. Hope this brings some insight to the discussion.

My parents were pretty well-off but they bought me a $1500 car when I turned 16 (in 1994). I was amazed at my friends who received brand new cars (sometimes, Lexuses) when they turned 16.

They paid for my out-of-state college and all expenses until I graduated. I'd say I was lucky because that allowed me to focus on running (and not working at Red Lobster or Denny's). But I don't think it spoiled me, because I know how to show up to work every day and hold a job.

Just had to say kudos to a well written and thought out post (with bonus points for the self-correction). These are rare on this board.

Is it necessarily a bad thing for people in their 20s and 30s to live with their parents, so long as they're contributing to the household in an agreed-upon way? It's certainly not uncommon in many other cultures and previously in America, for children to become part of the family business and live with or near their parents, certainly until they married. I don't believe that adult children should be allowed to freeload, but living at home might not be intrinsically bad.

Of course, I feel like a hypocrite for suggesting it might be alright, since I wouldn't even consider dating a man my age who lived with his parents or even next door to them in his own house, unless they were disabled or otherwise unable to care for themselves.

Lantermanc wrote:

Well, I guess this article sort of describes me (didn't read the article...

ha

I don't have a problem with the kids living at home at first, if they help out. Before my wife and I got married, she lived with her parents while she worked.

She paid them about $300/month rent (this was back in the mid-80's), and she always had dinner on the table for them when they got home from their jobs. It was a win-win situation for both.

My oldest is so spoiled that he'd rather starve than eat leftovers. He'll finally eat leftovers when he realizes that I'm not going to cook for him or allow my wife to.

Part of it is the environment he grew up in. After he drove my 8-year-old honda (w/ no ac) for 8 months w/o wrecking it, I bought him a new car since he would going a long ways off to college. It was a nice little Scion TC. Well, the rest of his class at school were getting BMWs, Lexus, and even a couple of Hummers. It's hard to compete against that, and I don't try.

I could easily survive by myself on $50K per year as I don't need a lot of toys to keep me happy. My wife and I were making $32K combined back in the late 80s. We owned a house, had a car payment, and still banked over $1000 per month.