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McDougal to Invest in Hyperbolic Time Chamber
The outside of a hyperbolic time chamber.
LYNCHBURG, VIRGINIA---Liberty University standout distance runner Josh McDougal has announced plans to invest in one of the newest training tools on the market, the hyperbolic time chamber.
McDougal, only in his sophomore year at Liberty, has already solidified himself as one of the top athletes in the country. A member of the nation’s world cross country squad earlier this year, McDougal recently finished 4th in the NCAA Cross Country Championships in Terre Haute, Indiana. This was an improvement over his stellar 13th place finish last year.
“He’s just one hard-working kid. There’s no doubt about it,” said McDougal’s coach, Brant Tolsma. “That’s why he’s going for the hyperbolic time chamber, or as he calls it, ‘The Room of Spirit and Time.’ I mean, you‘ve got your Galen Rupps, your Dathan Ritzenheins, your Jason Rexings. These guys have got it all: underwater treadmills, altitude simulation, oxygenated water, oxy socks, oxygen, food. Josh is just taking it to the next level.”
McDougal, known for his high-mileage training approach and impeccable work ethic, claims that he’s always on the look-out for a “sweet edge,” and in this case it was the hyperbolic time chamber. The advantage of the hyperbolic time chamber, of course, is that one day inside of it is equivalent to an entire year on earth.
“I figure that if I can run 120 miles during an ‘earth week,’ I can duplicate that in The Room of Spirit and Time. So basically, you multiply 120 [miles] times 52 [weeks], which is around a million miles, and that’s what you’re getting in one actual ‘earth day,’” said the bright-eyed McDougal. “Then, you multiply that by 7 to get your ‘earth week,’ and you’re sittin’ pretty at over a billion miles per week.”
McDougal discusses training after being hastily pasted into picture.
Of course, McDougal will have aged 7 years by the time he has finished his billion mile week. This is a sacrifice McDougal is “ready and willing” to make.
“I mean, is it any different from what those Mormons are doing? Nah, I don’t think so,” Josh clarified.
But as with any innovative idea, there are naysayers, scientist Davis R. Pantsman in particular.
“This is a bit ridiculous. I mean, sure, Goku might can handle the 10x gravity, but Josh McDougal? That kid isn’t even a Super Saiyan yet,” argued Pantsman. “Well, maybe level 1, but no higher. Besides, aren’t you supposed to die if you use it more than twice? I mean…dude. Come on. Seriously. Come on.”
McDougal, though, can handle the criticism. He has had to handle the naysayers for his entire life.
“All my life people have been telling me, ‘You’re too small, Josh,’ ‘You’re not fast enough, McDougal,’ ‘Give up your foolish dreams, Josh,” said the Liberty standout. “But they forgot something. I have to win.”
“I like God,” McDougal also added.
It’s hard to say whether Josh will be able to succeed in a device that has previously only existed on a cartoon, but you can be certain that he’ll give it his best shot. Just like he has in every other aspect of his life. But watch out for Josh McDougal; it might not be long until he’s breaking records. Perhaps by next week.
Master Roshi could not be reached for comment.