How much does divorce affect kids if the parents do it amicably and remain in the same town?

Frank G. wrote:

A man and woman have 1 or more children together, and one or both of the parents decides on divorce. Assuming they are reasonable about it, mindful not to use the kids as pawns or throw mud at the other parent, etc, and both parents remain in the same town, how much does it affect the kids? If one or both parents are markedly happier after the divorce, could that be a bit of a positive in a way? Anyone go through something like this, either as a kid or a parent? Would be very curious to hear any first-hand experiences...

A lot, don’t kid yourself.

in denial wrote:

Frank G. wrote:

A man and woman have 1 or more children together, and one or both of the parents decides on divorce. Assuming they are reasonable about it, mindful not to use the kids as pawns or throw mud at the other parent, etc, and both parents remain in the same town, how much does it affect the kids? If one or both parents are markedly happier after the divorce, could that be a bit of a positive in a way? Anyone go through something like this, either as a kid or a parent? Would be very curious to hear any first-hand experiences...

A lot, don’t kid yourself.

+1

How much do kids affect divorce? A lot.

Do yourself a favor and skip the kids part, enjoy your spouse, and profit.

Frank G. wrote:

A man and woman have 1 or more children together, and one or both of the parents decides on divorce. Assuming they are reasonable about it, mindful not to use the kids as pawns or throw mud at the other parent, etc, and both parents remain in the same town, how much does it affect the kids? If one or both parents are markedly happier after the divorce, could that be a bit of a positive in a way? Anyone go through something like this, either as a kid or a parent? Would be very curious to hear any first-hand experiences...

I'm not for telling people they need to stay together for children if they are unhappy being together, but I won't engage in fantasy either just to make someone feel better.

What you describe there is very close to flat out fantasy. So, you make a deal to be in the same town, but then one of you meets someone after the divorce and that new spouse has a great job offer to move across the country. You or they will do it.

Tell me your parents got divorced w/o telling me your parents got divorced.

kids blow wrote:

Kids suck.

Never have them.

Why’s everyone say their kids are “special” And amazing?

Wow. Picking their noses, eating non Stop and addicted to TV. Real gift to the world. Kids cause divorce. And they’re ungrateful little faggs.

What you described is never a positive, it's just less bad. Unless the parents were literally at each other's throats, or they are dealing with an A&D issue, in general the divorce is going to have negative effects on the kids. In the best of circumstances you can just hope to mitigate those negatives and make it less bad.

No no no no no.

Parents divorced when I was 7 and stayed in the same town until we moved only 30 mins away at age 12.

Honestly, it didn't affect me that much at all. They kept things civil, and I still got to see my dad regularly. As I got older, I realized divorce was by far the best. I used to hear them argue all the time as a young kid, they have vastly disparate political views, they were both career-focused instead of one wanting to be the parent, etc. My mom remarried my stepdad who was perfectly fine being stay-at-home. If anything, it was better.

Once my dad died, I realized how screwed he got by the divorce attorneys, and it has made me definitive in my choice not to ever marry (I'm mid-30s now). So, do with that what you will, but my brother married 5 years ago and is still happy. My girlfriend of over 4 years now is a divorcee herself, so she isn't all that interested in marriage either.

It can work, but staying civil at least on the surface is key. Being in the same town is a tremendous help since the kids can ride bikes, walk, or take a bus between houses (like I did until we moved 30 mins away).

A few key takeaways from someone whose parents divorced at age four:

Keep whatever lingering BS you have with your spouse away from your kids (don’t whine or complain about them, blame them for the divorce,etc.—they will figure that out in time)

Keep your new partners away from the kids as much as possible. No kid wants to see some other guy walking out of their mom’s bedroom in his boxer shorts

Create a custody arrangement and stick to it. My sister and I spent Wed and Sat nights with my dad, the rest with our mom.

Do all the other things you should do to be a good parent: meet your financial commitments, be present, create emotional connections, etc.

Bottom line: if you had kids and got divorced, you F’d up and now need to be selfless enough to put their interests ahead of yours and start making some compromises.

This is a good post. My ex and I divorced on good terms when our two kids were 11 and 9 years old. We split everything right down the middle, only used a lawyer too draw up the papers. No arguing. We agreed on child support and custody. I helped her buy a house and I bought my own about a half mile away. I had them on Wednesdays and every other weekend. One kid was fine with it (11 year old daughter) but 9 year old son had lots of be trouble with it. It messed with him for sure even though I was there for every baseball football and basketball game. I coached some of his little league teams. Went to his marching band shows. He's 33 now and resents me and says 'I wasnt there for him'. Water under the bridge.

It still f**cks you up

Went through it

A perspective not yet shared is one where the parents didn't get divorced but probably should have. A relationship with a lack of affection can have a significantly negative impact on kids too. Modeling a relationship with a lack of communication and affect is something to consider. Will it have the impact of a divorce? I don't know, but that shouldn't be discounted. it's easy to say stay together, but doing so in a constructive way isn't easy. There is a reason why divorce is being considered.

Long story short, I was told at age 6 by my parents they were getting divorced but didn't.

No affection wrote:

A perspective not yet shared is one where the parents didn't get divorced but probably should have. A relationship with a lack of affection can have a significantly negative impact on kids too. Modeling a relationship with a lack of communication and affect is something to consider. Will it have the impact of a divorce? I don't know, but that shouldn't be discounted. it's easy to say stay together, but doing so in a constructive way isn't easy. There is a reason why divorce is being considered.

Long story short, I was told at age 6 by my parents they were getting divorced but didn't.

I think it is very wise to consider this and similar perspectives. When these discussions happen, it seems like everyone always compares divorce to a relatively happy, functional marriage. Usually, the whole reason a divorce happened in the first place was because a happy and functional marriage was not possible, so it's not quite as clear to say divorce was so much worse than staying together in those specific cases. I've heard just about every version of this under the sun now with some people saying divorce made things better for them (as kids) because the marriage was so awful. I've heard stories where the kids said they weren't affected much by it in the long run. I've heard people say it was horrible. I think it really depends on the details of each specific situation... I also think it's easy for people to blame a single factor sometimes when in truth there are countless factors that affect us growing up. Three kids can grow up under the same roof, be treated relatively similarly, and yet still all turn out incredibly differently. Not trying to be dismissive of this enormously consequential decision, but even in the severe cases, there are many other factors at play also.

To the OP, it's still crappy for the kid, as much as you try to rationalize it. Get some good counseling before you go down that road. Think of your child first.

My sister and her ex pulled this off. They lived very near to each other. Both kids turned out great.

My wife and I divorced in 2010 when kids were 7 and 9 years old

We live half a mile away

Kids are out of college now

Kids did well and are doing well mostly because ex and I never talked negatively to them about the other (no matter how much we wanted to!!)

**Don't bad mouth the other parent (even if they deserve) it.**

This will save you grief in the future because if the kids do well, you will do well. If the kids are damaged, you will have years and years of pain and headache ahead of you.

Hey there! I went through this exact scenario. I was 12, my other siblings 14 and 18. My parents told us they were getting divorced together, and did everything in their power to disrupt our lives as little as possible. They didn't go to court, there was no fighting.

After they separated, we continued to do things as a family, spent holidays together and even sometimes had dinner together. When I went away to University, my XC coaches didn't even know my parents weren't together for my first year because they drove together to watch all our races. Today, my parents are good friends. They both help each other with things when the other needs it and we still have dinners as a family and still celebrate holidays together.

Both my parents have seen other people over the last 15 years, and I would say the most important thing they did in the instance (especially when we were younger) was not bring that person into our lives too quickly. In general, the most important thing they did was maintain our status as a family unit that loves and takes care of each other, even if we were all under the same roof.

I'm not saying I didn't have lingering trauma from the divorce (my siblings and I all avoided relationships for a long time as adults), but it didn't ruin us, as divorce so often does to other children. So yes, I believe what you're describing is absolutely possible, but it takes A LOT of work on the part of the parents to make that happen.