Do childless couples regret it when they reach their 50's?

It's too bad that 90% of the posts on here are just people with one opinion on the matter bashing the other, as opposed to personal stories like this that get into a very complex issue.

There's a biological imperative lurking within most people, and a ton of the pro-child arguments seem to center around that this instinct and therefore it's somehow unnatural and selfish to not continue reproduce. But for the first time in history we can choose to override it because what life is all about is changing, and we certainly don't NEED more people in the world (I'm not condemning those who do, but humans aren't in a shortage).

There are plenty of instincts we override. Tribalism, war, and violence are on the decline over the past few centuries, but there's certainly something in the human condition that pulls us toward this. Homosexuality was largely thought as unnatural in the 20th century, but we've as a society altered that stance

It's a beautiful thing that we can choose to have kids or not, but it creates complexity and nuance that we aren't comfortable with. Perhaps it creates existential angst to ponder the question (if not kids, then what is life about?). And I have no doubt that for some the bond is incredible.

Mrthon Rnr wrote:

When I was 35 I found out I was pregnant. I was about to start my taper for Boston and was sick as a dog; not having that baby was an easy decision for me. Now I’m 46 and my husband and I are so relieved not to have kids! We love coming home from work to a peaceful house and spending our money and time on anything we want. Yes it’s possible that some day I’ll end up in a nursing home with no one to visit me.....but so will many of you who DO have kids!

No one is more relieved than that baby. Nothing is worse than having terrible parents.

The asymmetry between how a parent feels and how the child feels is pretty remarkable.  Parents feel an unbreakable bond, something they'd die for.  But we never consider the other side of the equation: many children have a very complex relationship with their parents.  Even with kids from “good” households, it’s not a matter of if you mess up your kid in ways but how you will, and later the child often goes through years of therapy to sort things out, and feels ambiguously toward the parents. There are feelings of love, but also frustration, anger, and pain.  

I'm not blaming parents, for the record, because this complexity is unavoidable.  But we often paint the relationship through the parents' view of what the relationship is like, when there's a whole other dark side to it, one that involves a mix of love and hate.  In many ways, there's a lot of dysfunction and psychological damage in these relationships, even in cases when the adult children love and value their parents.  

The emphasis on the beauty of the bond (from the parent's point-of-view) undermines the complexity of the relationship, because the dysfunctional part is also an inevitable element.  It's easy to overemphasize the positive elements of the relationship as a parent because you're the one in control, the one with the power.  Sure, power asymmetries exist in marriage and friendship, but they aren't inevitable in the same way that they are in parent-child.  

Nothing against parents, but it's interesting to think about from a different angle.

Too each their own. Some of the stories here make me cringe, but those are your decisions not mine and I have no business judging you.

I love my kids. They are neat lol.

Alan

It depends why they're childless. If they're infertile and want children they may regret it in some way. Although can you regret something that isn't a decision of your own making? They could always adopt.

If they want to be child free some might, of course. But I'd be willing to bet that most who choose to be child free end up not regretting their decision. Part of why they make that decision is that in the case they do end up regretting it, they'd rather regret not having a child than having a child for various reason.

unexpectedly by having kids i was allowed to re-live and cherish my own youth. (cartoons, camping, crafts, playing sports, helping with homework, etc..) You get to go back in time and try to guide someone over the snafus you may have encountered as well which is rewarding. My kids had a way better mentor than i did. So far so good..

No judging but they make you cringe? Ok, Al.

But generally, yes, when it comes to this particular issue, who cares? Almost 8 billion people on the planet.

All the talk about US lagging behind in replacement rate could easily be resolved by immigration. My mother in fact was an immigrant and then became a citizen and worked until 64. But you know, immigration bad or whatever.

I think like anything else, there is regret for some no matter what you choose, and then there's the whole idea of wanting what you can't have.

I have read this post 3 times and acknowledge it is pretty well written. The more I poke at it the more sad I get for the author though. I certainly don't think it accurately reflects my childhood or the childhood of most of my close friends (although I guess you would have to ask them). It almost seems like it was written by a rather intelligent, angsty teen. A few comments:

1) For me there was probably a 2-3 year window where the above was an accurate reflection of my worldview. By the time I was 19-20 I had realized that my parents were real people who make mistakes, have desires that extend beyond me and that they did their best to raise me. My relationship with them as an adult isn't based on an uneven power dynamic. It is based on appreciation for their efforts, respect for them as real people and both a biological and experiential bond which is, in fact, a beautiful thing.

2) The purposefully use of hyperbole like "trauma" as a common term to describe most relationships, placement of quotes around "good" as though complicated and positive can't exist on the same plane of existence and other rhetorical flourishes may be a persuasive writing tactic but also strong me as lacking rigor. They are empty.

3) I am not sure it is actually IS that interesting to think about this... most people actually have this perspective because they have lived it. The vast majority of people have their own relationships with their parents. It is not like parents don't have any context around what it's like to be the child of someone. In fact, part of being a good parent is deconstructing where you think your parents messed up and trying not to make the same mistakes.

I'd say Rippling Hysteresis nails it pretty well. Most parents try and do the best they can but some are just flat out clueless that what they say to their kids affect the them. From the kid perspective, the parents are their lifeline to the planet, what they say means everything. So when a parent insults, ignores, guilt trips, or threatens kids verbally, kids take that in. they may have grown up with all of the necessities in life so the parents think they did a great job. But kids growing up in homes like this don't see why anyone would want a child when it seems like their parents did not want them.

flyingfrog wrote:

unexpectedly by having kids i was allowed to re-live and cherish my own youth. (cartoons, camping, crafts, playing sports, helping with homework, etc..) You get to go back in time and try to guide someone over the snafus you may have encountered as well which is rewarding. My kids had a way better mentor than i did. So far so good..

Anyone can "relive their youth" without having kids. Well, not helping with homework stuff. But you can volunteer to help someone's kids with their homework. And there is nothing unethical or immoral about that.

this is it wrote:

docLorna wrote:

Not one bit.

Amen.

I'm 55, wife is 52, no regrets. In fact whenever we see a couple with kids we just breathe a huge sigh of relief.

I don't believe that!

I think there are a lot of times where we answer questions and even tell ourselves what we want to hear and what we want others to hear. This is a self protection instinct! When someone does not make it through military basic training, they don't say they failed, they will almost always state they realized the military was not for them. I have a brother-in-law who has made a lot of money in life without going to college. Over the years he has made comments about how college is unnecessary and how he is glad he didn't go to college. In spite of this, all 3 of his kids went to top tier universities. He was an absolute mad man about his kid's high school grades and getting into good schools. His youngest kid graduated recently, while talking about how proud he is of kids; in a celebratory moment, he accidently let slip out how proud he was that his kids didn't make the mistake he did.

I don't know where you're going with this, I'm not your brother-in-law and I actually did make it through basic training although I have no idea what that has to do with anything.

You can believe what you want, but if really we wanted kids we would have them. We don't.

Get Real. You KNOW they live empty lives. IF you have kids, how can you know this? I can assure you my wife and I have extremely full lives and after 44 years of marriage, we are doing quite well...

And no, the point of life isn't to keep popiulating the earth just because ytou say so. Most people with kids think they arfe just oh so wonderful no matter how stupid or useless they are. Kids were never allowed in our house, my siblings knew better not to come around with their creepy brats.

You KNOW your parents didn't want you when they constantly tell you "I wish you were NEVER born". I heard that so many times over the years as well as "All the sacrifices we made for you and this is the thanks we get". Yes, it is very clear, we stopped you from living the life you really wanted to live. And the stupid things people say like "Who will look after you when you get older"? Well there is a good reason to have kids, to use them for yourselves some day. I never looked after my parents, never visited them, never went to their funerals. They were both uneducated half wits, good riddance to them....

I'd rather die alone....

Too many Europeans think like you. Europeans are fading away with their (1.2 to 1.7) offspring per two people.

I am so sorry to hear that. God bless you both, and I pray she recovers.

I'm 57, wife is 58 - been married 30 years. Love our cat dearly, never had any kids nor wanted any. Other than to reply to threads like this on various forums, I never think about children at all.

Is that why you think people should have children?