woe is me wrote: the women always seem to end up with the kids.
In reality, the women always seem to be the ones who care about the kids.
woe is me wrote: the women always seem to end up with the kids.
In reality, the women always seem to be the ones who care about the kids.
I once went out with a girl who asked me to put a cigarette out on her while we were doing it.
ha ! wrote:
woe is me wrote: the women always seem to end up with the kids.In reality, the women always seem to be the ones who care about the kids.
It's hard to say whether or not she wants the kids. She has no problem leaving them with him and taking off with her boy toy, even on weekends where she agreed to take them.
It's the weirdest relationship i've ever seen. I tell him to take a chance and file for divorce but he is terrified she will throw accusations around that have no merit.
Not even referencing this thread, I only hear about people talking about female BPDs.
From a different perspective wrote:
Field Good wrote:Well, the title of thread is "Anyone dated a GIRL with a BPD ? '
Besides, everyone knows there are no women on LRC.
That is a fair point, and I did think about, but didn't put it into my explanation. I just figured that even though it was asking about women, there would be some stories about males.
Don't think I've ever really known a single person well who didn't engage in some pathological pattern of behavior or other. Myself included.
I got a friend, well, former friend, who married one of these girls. Ticks every box on the list. Physically abusive, manipulative, jealous, conniving, a liar, you name it. They dated for years before he learned that she'd been lying to him the whole time about her age, subtracting two years because he once said he wouldn't date an "older woman." This guy comes from a very large and close family and this girl just came in and annihilated his relationship with everyone he ever cared about. Brothers, sisters, friends, gone. His oldest brother moved with his wife and two kids to the opposite side of the country because the girl was so nuts and constantly starting feuds with everyone. I was this guy's best friend and this girl on more than several occasions offered to lay down and spread for me if I wanted it.
I stood best man at their wedding and felt completely sick doing so. I very, very, very nearly spoke up at the "if anyone sees a reason these two should not be wed" part and know I was not the only one thinking about it. But we are cowards, are we not? I talked to him the night before though. Said, this is the part of the best-man job where I am obliged to talk you out of doing this. And I genuinely tried but it was the night before, the thing was as good as done then.
Of course we don't talk anymore. She shut the door on his having any friends. Her jealousy was all-encompassing and spread toward everyone, including myself, his own sisters, even his mom. He wasn't / isn't allowed to do anything. Go to work, come directly home. She's muscled out every other portion of his life. I last saw him / them in 2009, they'd been married a year. He cooked a fine supper (she never cooked or cleaned)(I don't know why I'm using the past tense because I am certain it is all the same today), TWO fine suppers in fact because she didn't want to eat what everyone else was having. Midway through the meal I watched this girl pick and manufacture an argument with him and then escalate it to point where she was insulting him so vilely as I've never heard a grown been been spoken to in my life by anyone. In the end she stood up, carried her special-cooked meal uneaten to the garbage, threw the whole thing away plate and all, and stormed into her bedroom and slammed the door. He looked at me filled with shame and remarked "she'll be ok in a while..." as though that was my concern.
Shortly after this episode I heard from his sister that she - the wife - once literally dumped a bowl of spaghetti over his head during a similar manufactured dinnertime fight, in front of guests. Up to that point I only thought that happened in three stooges films.
Eventually he was no longer even allowed to answer my telephone calls. In fact the last time we spoke was summer 2009, I'd been diagnosed with a bit of cancer in my head and had been several months trying to reach him just to talk about it, let him know, and have a general conversation with my friend. He'd never returned any of my messages but suddenly this one day he answered. The reason? She let him answer because I'd happened to call on her birthday and she assumed I was calling to wish her a happy one. The call lasted about 18 seconds, as soon as it was determined I'd not called for her, he was hustled off the telephone. I never called again.
Through his mother, with whom I am still very close, I've kept tabs on the ruin of his life. For years I always said he will be ok long as he gets clear of this girl before they have a kid. She miscarried two times in a row, and each time came with the hope that he sees the light and gets out before the gun. It didn't happen. The third one took, and he's still in. They have two kids now and his life is over. I guarantee it is only a matter of time before this woman commits her next heinous evil, harms one of his children or manufactures some abuse claim and uses the courts to take them away forever.
She is a sick nutcase but I have to blame him for part of it too, because it was the first girl he laid. This is what happens when you don't screw until your mid twenties and then marry the first girl who lays you. So a lesson for all of you letsrun virgins.
Yes, twice. Alas one passed away, married someone after she knew me, and I'm not sure about the other one as she did a year in stir for DUI.
I pretty much don't date anymore.
I'm totally cool with it, too, which is funny. I still look, I'm not dead, but I believe I'm done with the whole dating arena. Luckily no kids were involved.
I'd hate to be apologizing to my kids about the mess of a world they're going to inherit.
"Kid, some of us TRIED. Sorry."
Be very careful out there everyone.
Thank you for sharing, frogs. Sorry about your loss of a friend, and especially sorry for your friend, though it sounds like it's been his choice. :(
Conundrum wrote:
Not even referencing this thread, I only hear about people talking about female BPDs.
From a different perspective wrote:That is a fair point, and I did think about, but didn't put it into my explanation. I just figured that even though it was asking about women, there would be some stories about males.
Well when men exhibit the sort of behaviors described in this thread they do get a different label- domestic abusers. Common behaviors/ characteristics of domestic abusers are that they can be charming, they will isolate the victim, attack the self esteem of the victim, create co-dependence, and of course physical violence (especially when using alcohol.) One difference is often domestic abusers will be able to maintain a facade for the outside world that things are fine in the home, the stories here don't seem to have that element.
The behaviors is this thread however are domestic violence and I hope that some of the victims here are able to get assistance, though obviously male victims of domestic violence are often ignored or mislabled the aggressor. This does happen in many cases where a woman has been the long victim of domestic violence as well but at least in many places in the US there are support groups for women suffering from domestic violence. I will say in my area, however, the domestic violence advocacy organizations do not work with male victims and the domestic violence counseling groups for offenders will not treat women.
Horst Girth wrote:
Don't think I've ever really known a single person well who didn't engage in some pathological pattern of behavior or other. Myself included.
I guess that is possible. But then you and I must run with VERY different crowds and/or use VERY different definitions
Among the folks whom I know well enough to make an educated guess I would guess that 80% or more of them don't engage in anything that I would consider pathological behavior patterns.
Doclove wrote:
I once went out with a girl who asked me to put a cigarette out on her while we were doing it.
Okay, you win the thread.
Somewhat Different Perspective wrote:
Horst Girth wrote:Don't think I've ever really known a single person well who didn't engage in some pathological pattern of behavior or other. Myself included.
I guess that is possible. But then you and I must run with VERY different crowds and/or use VERY different definitions
Among the folks whom I know well enough to make an educated guess I would guess that 80% or more of them don't engage in anything that I would consider pathological behavior patterns.
The average (uneducated) person lies 4 times every 2.5 minutes in social conversation. Omission, exaggeration, plain old lying, to make themselves look socially more valuable.
Human behavior many times is a toxic morass.
The success rate of human romance is less than 3%.
Two studies, one in Europe, one in USA both concluded that only 10% of those married are in love and happy. And that incudes 4th, 5th, 6th marriages, people throught the "starter marriage" phase/s of learning to live with another.
You can't really know a persons character in less than 6 months.
If you want to have a really interesting and frightening conversation -- talk about women with "aspects" of BPD etc. Most of these diagnosis's are exist on a spectrum.
Let's say she doesn't do all the behaviors, but does two of them to extreme, not technically over the BPD bar, but still life damaging nonetheless.
As someone else said: Be Careful Out There.
I find this 1983 lecture on the subject still quite relevant today. A lot of good info here:
I used to *strongly* believe in what you said (except the idiot part - that's just mean) until I walked a mile in his shoes. Just consider your ignorance blissful. You have no idea.
yhyj wrote:
Family BPD Experience wrote:I have a bit of a different take with the same outcome...my mom is diagnosed BPD. She's now in her mid-60s and was only officially diagnosed a few years ago. It was a very rough ride getting to the diagnosis, especially the last few years.
To us kids (now all late 30s and older), my parents had a pretty solid marriage growing up. We were a blue collar family, solid upbringing but no extras. Money was typically tight, so arguments on that topic occurred on occasions. Looking back, over the years, my mom would subversively plant these stories about how my dad was controlling (esp about $$), emotionally abusive and generally not very supportive of her in general. We thought that was just typical marriage stuff. About 5 years ago, things came to a head in her mind. She secretly planned to leave my dad, hired a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up and delivered. She asked to stay with my family (we're several states away) so she could work through the process. And since she made it out like she was a battered woman, my wife and I agreed to take her in. She literally snuck out of the house after packing her belongings in trash bags because she felt threatened.
After about a month with us, the picture was becoming clear. We talked a lot, and I started to notice significant inconsistencies in her stories. She began telling these elaborate falsehoods about my dad and her past life (e.g., like she was date raped at 16, how my dad had affairs over the years with other women, or how she had an online affair with a good family friend and then called his wife when he spurned her.) And then the crazy really started to show. Very irrational behavior. She would fly into rages, screaming and yelling over stuff that didn't exist. At some point, she would snap out of it and not really remember lashing out. It was like a light switch was flipped. Keep in mind, we still didn't know she had BPD, but started to realize that she was mentally ill. I set up a counseling session with my parents, my bro and I. That was helpful at first, but things began to continue to spiral. My dad finally confided in me that my mom had been acting this way for the better part of 30 years!
After a few months of being with us, we told her it was time to move on, more because she started to verbally abuse us. She eventually begged my dad to take her back. My dad, who was completely still hurt by my mom's actions of the previous few months, was reluctant. My mom ended up taking some pills (the first of several times) in a very weak attempt as suicide. My dad decided to take her back and commited to getting her the help she needs. Several cycles of intense therapy, different cocktails of drugs, police involvement that led to involuntary commitment to the psych ward at the hospital (three times) and my mom having my dad arrested for a false abuse charge finally led to my dad to cut the cord. Sold the house, split everything and no longer interact.
My kids, who experienced an episode first hand a few years ago, are terrified of her. The mom I knew growing up no longer exists. She's pushed everyone away. To be honest, I really don’t want much to do with her any longer. She’s not willing to really help herself and continues to act very irrationally. Very sad. My recommendation is like that of everyone one else on this board…end it now. Else your life will be a constant hell. However, if you have any ties with her family, maybe reach out to them and encourage them to seek treatment for her. She will never “get better” but she can help manage this condition. But it’s not your responsibility and you can’t save her.
She is your responsibility. She is your mom. She is your family. These people are mentally ill. She can't help herself idiot.
A Duck wrote:
Somewhat Different Perspective wrote:I guess that is possible. But then you and I must run with VERY different crowds and/or use VERY different definitions
Among the folks whom I know well enough to make an educated guess I would guess that 80% or more of them don't engage in anything that I would consider pathological behavior patterns.
The average (uneducated) person lies 4 times every 2.5 minutes in social conversation. Omission, exaggeration, plain old lying, to make themselves look socially more valuable.
Human behavior many times is a toxic morass.
The success rate of human romance is less than 3%.
Two studies, one in Europe, one in USA both concluded that only 10% of those married are in love and happy. And that incudes 4th, 5th, 6th marriages, people throught the "starter marriage" phase/s of learning to live with another.
You can't really know a persons character in less than 6 months.
If you want to have a really interesting and frightening conversation -- talk about women with "aspects" of BPD etc. Most of these diagnosis's are exist on a spectrum.
Let's say she doesn't do all the behaviors, but does two of them to extreme, not technically over the BPD bar, but still life damaging nonetheless.
As someone else said: Be Careful Out There.
So, I take it you are something more along the lines of a SUPER uneducated person. I'm counting 4 lies (including vague and meaningless alarmisms, made up statistics, attempted application of statistics to completely undefined terms, claims with zero basis...). And there is no way that took you 2.5 minutes to type (unless of course you are a moron).
crazy horce wrote:
I find this 1983 lecture on the subject still quite relevant today. A lot of good info here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSaC-YbSDpo
Ha! Thanks for this. Reminds me of high school......
I won't post all the sordid details, but if you value your reputation, your career, and your personal happiness, GET. OUT. NOW.
OHSBSH wrote:
I won't post all the sordid details, but if you value your reputation, your career, and your personal happiness, GET. OUT. NOW.
post the sordid details. what's wrong with you? everyone else did.
frogs wrote:
OHSBSH wrote:I won't post all the sordid details, but if you value your reputation, your career, and your personal happiness, GET. OUT. NOW.
post the sordid details. what's wrong with you? everyone else did.
Honestly, it's too painful for me to dredge up. I'm sparing myself, not you. To summarize, I got fired from my job, almost went to jail, and my family was put through the emotional wringer due to this person's lies and behavior.
OHSBSH wrote:
Honestly, it's too painful for me to dredge up. I'm sparing myself, not you. To summarize, I got fired from my job, almost went to jail, and my family was put through the emotional wringer due to this person's lies and behavior.
Tell the story. Save a life. Somewhere out there is a decent man, a man not unlike the man you used to be before the ruin, a salvageable man, and that man is sitting on the fence trying to decide whether or not to stick it out, thinking it has to get better, just give her more time, a little more attention, she'll come around, it will be again how it was in the beginning, when it was perfect, this started out too good to throw it all away now.
You are morally bound to tell your tale and knock that poor fu¢k off his fence, set him down on the safe side, let him know how near he came to oblivion. It is too late for ones like you and I, we are scorched, shan't recover. But think of the kids out there. For godsake, think of the kids!