contradictions wrote:
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
So he did text me in the afternoon asking how the lunch went and then also asked if I wanted to go hiking.
I had an employee who called in sick, and that afternoon a co-worker showed me the same guy's Instagram posts skiing all day.
Fired.
Snitches get stichez
I don't really get what the big deal is wrote:
I get why you are annoyed, but treating this like some kind of "offense" seems a little over the top to me. He stayed out with his friends all night. Big deal. He missed a lunch with your parents. Big deal. I would have told my parents that he stayed out too late with his friends for a special occasion and couldn't make it. If you don't make a big deal out of it, they won't (and if they do, that does not bode well for them staying out of your business in the future). Go hiking. Tell him you wished he hadn't missed lunch and then move on.
FWIW, I've been married 27 years and what your boyfriend did is not even close to some of the dumb ass things my husband did with his friends when we were younger. And, by the way, most people take on more responsibility in terms of job and family as they age. The opportunity to party with friends all night won't last forever. Life is short and times will get hard. He should be able to savor the fun times.
Not saying is disagree with statement. But, this isn't about the events themselves (missing lunch and partying). It's about the principle of being able to come through. If you like somebody, I don't care how hard you partied, get 2-4 hours of sleep, wake up, shower and put in a half-a#$ effort at lunch with the folks, annoying as it may be. Go home and go back to bed. Dude is in his late 20s. Obviously, he either shouldn't party that hard anymore, or is just a plain baby and/or undisciplined.
This notion that millennials should party hard and "have fun" well into their early 30s and 40s is going to lead to an epidemic of people in our generation having to work well into their 80s, because they didn't get locked down into a good career and work hard when time was on their side to save and build up their net worth. There are very few people who can party very hard like they did in college and have a very successful career as well (probably less than 0.5% of the population). If i had a daughter and she was dating someone in their late 20s that didn't already have a solid career (or prospect of one) there's no way i'd be supportive of that relationship.
OP should consider moving on if something like this happens again. There are plenty of guys out there that make big bank and will be willing to prioritize the relationship, even if they spent the night before partying. IMHO.
Millennial men are generally (and i say generally) lazy, undisciplined and entitled. This guy seems to be on his way to fitting the mold.
GROWN WOMEN should be prioritizing stability and financial security if they want a decent marriage. Sex doesn't last, good cooking and a big bank account does. If they want to hop from loser to loser, that's their choice.
OP should tip her cap, tell hipster boy to take a lap, and move on with her life.
You list your mancard wrote:
Guy in late 20s wrote:
Let me tell you that if you invited me out with your parents I would be honored and take it semi seriously mostly focusing on the fact of just being there with your family.
I dont know your boyfriend, his priorities and his value system but I dont know if I would ever cancel on a significant other six hours in advance due to lack of sleep and alcohol. If I were in his shoes Id wake up after a few hours, go for a jog, get some sleep, clean up, meet with you and your parents for a sunday brunch and then try to take you home with me for a sunday nap. All good things.
In every obstacle there lies an opportunity. This young man flaked due to a self induced form of uncertainty and his absence will make you feel bad with your parents today. I understand because a girlfriend did that to me on my birthday once and then stopped talking for the day because I called her out and she didnt want to deal with it.
Dont break up with him yet and be careful not to charge at him with anger. Ignore confrontation this time and call it STRIKE ONE. But if he does it again STRIKE THREE and throw him out because he should be sharing time with you and honoring his committment on plans.
That’s why she’s with him and not you bro. Girls don’t want nice guys.
Generally, that's false:
nice guys < bad boys < bad boys w/ money = nice guys with money
As they age, women will always go for a nice guy with money over a bad boy who is a wandering broke. Bad boys with money also do well.
I don't really get what the big deal is wrote:
I get why you are annoyed, but treating this like some kind of "offense" seems a little over the top to me. He stayed out with his friends all night. Big deal. He missed a lunch with your parents. Big deal. I would have told my parents that he stayed out too late with his friends for a special occasion and couldn't make it. If you don't make a big deal out of it, they won't (and if they do, that does not bode well for them staying out of your business in the future). Go hiking. Tell him you wished he hadn't missed lunch and then move on.
FWIW, I've been married 27 years and what your boyfriend did is not even close to some of the dumb ass things my husband did with his friends when we were younger. And, by the way, most people take on more responsibility in terms of job and family as they age. The opportunity to party with friends all night won't last forever. Life is short and times will get hard. He should be able to savor the fun times.
It’s funny that the one post I agree with is the other married person over 35 on this thread.
There’s a lot of implied “spoiled hipster, millennial, never amount to anything” in this thread without any actual facts that imply he’s any of those those.
Key facts in his favor are:
1) he’s met your parent before
2) this was a normal lunch, not a special occasian.
3) it was his friend’s birthday, not just a random night.
4) he messaged you that he wouldn’t make it, which is considerably better than just standing you up.
5) he apologized and feels terrible
6) you said he doesn’t normally do things like this.
No doubt what he did was wrong. You have every right to be disappointed and upset. It is appropriate to calmly tell him you’re disappointed and why. But if you like him, that’s it. Move on.
If he’s young, then his friends are likely extremely important to him. If he’s presented with the option that he has to choose between his friends birthday and lunch with his parents, then he’s probably going to choose his friends birthday. And he’s not totally wrong for doing that. But it doesn’t sound like that happened. It’s sounds like he tried to make both you and his birthday friend happy... and failed.
My parents would laugh if my wife did this when I was younger. Her parents are beyond religious and do not drink at all. I did this when we first started dating, but I showed up hungover. They laughed at me the entire lunch and at the end they told me I should have slept it off because we could have rescheduled. Yesterday was our anniversary and we spent the entire day laughing about things like this. Considering everything we have been through, this type of incident barely registers.
Someday you or your future husband will lose a job at an inopertune time. One of your family member will come down with an illness and you’ll agree to empty out your savings to help pay for a procedure that will eventually save that family members life. Then you’ll struggle to pay your mortgage and fight over that for months. And when something like that happens you’ll look back on this post and laugh that something this insignificant stressed you out.
Point is, this guy sounds like a fairly reasonable guy and you seem to like him. You didn’t say he has a history of this stuff, and if this is indeed his first offense, then I’d let him know you’re disappointed, but don’t rub it in his face. He probably already feels bad enough. If this is the worst thing he ever does to you in your relationship, they you might be the luckiest woman on the planet. But if this turns into a repetitive behavior, then revive this thread so everyone can tell me how wrong I was.
Good luck.
Yeet this is a great post.
You are not married.
Ok to briefly express disappointment, but it sounds like you want it blow it up and make a massive deal out of it. Not ok.
Hi everyone, the original "annoyed girlfriend" here providing an update. To the person in this thread that something like this might end up bringing us closer if we talk about it like adults, you were absolutely spot-on.
We met today (the day after the planned lunch) to talk. He told me how sorry he was, and how he didn't mean for this to happen. He had lost track of time and before he knew it, it was around 4 AM. He fully took responsibility that he should have paid more attention to time and left at a proper time. He felt sick but tried to rally himself together but then eventually texted me around 6-7 AM because he was still feeling bad and didn't want to be queasy or anything at the lunch because he wants to maintain his good impression in front of my parents. He also emphasized that he absolutely wasn't prioritizing something like this over me. I know he's a little stressed because he's applying for jobs right now (graduating from a top law school later this year) and this was a birthday party for someone in his class, where they talked about the pressures of school/jobs and how it was good to see others felt similar and also felt the imposter syndrome. He also wished I had come (I had felt like I would be out of place there) and told me how all his classmates want to meet me/how much he talked about me positively (I have met a few of them but only briefly).
We talked it out (I didn't raise my voice at all, and he didn't either) and I explained my side of things which he completely understand, and he took full responsibility that he was in the wrong. All in all, we ended up making up and I think having this honest conversation did bring us closer together. He is a dependable person. I know this was not the norm for him and I can tell he was genuinely sorry about it.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts :)
If you knew him very well then you would have expected this. What I found in relationships is that small "injustices" often get magnified. Personally if a person lets me down more than once that's the end of the relationship. There's an old expression that everyone thinks they understands but only a small percentage really get: There's plenty of fish in the sea!
wefwe wrote:
If you knew him very well then you would have expected this. What I found in relationships is that small "injustices" often get magnified. Personally if a person lets me down more than once that's the end of the relationship. There's an old expression that everyone thinks they understands but only a small percentage really get: There's plenty of fish in the sea!
Awful take. Everyone is flawed. You will disappoint your partner hundreds of times in life, at least.
An important thing is to use 'minor' incidents like this to establish comfort with clear communication. That is what will make things work in the long run. Sounds like things went about as well as they could have -- I'm glad.
"Awful take. Everyone is flawed. You will disappoint your partner hundreds of times in life, at least."
That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is that certain behaviors, the kind that are fundamental, are often magnified.
One I time I went out to a casual party with a group of people and I met a woman there who complained about her appearance in front of everyone. There's nothing wrong with that, in and of itself. But it was the fact of how she complained went beyond a reasonable level. I could hear crazy rage in her tone, even though it was all calm. One of my friends who was there went out with her. I said "I wouldn't do that but be careful". He said "Why, she's fine".
Well, I went off to school for the fall and when I got back at Christmas my friend told me that this woman kicked in his door and threatened him with all kinds of things. It was a major problem for him for a while.. My friend said "Just don't tell me you told me so." I didn't because I try to be decent person.
I would talk to him about how disappointed you are. He should have had the discipline to know things were going late with his friends, and then having the discipline to excuse himself and go back home so he can get enough sleep to be able to attend lunch with you and your parents.
Just talk to him, don't raise your voice. Let him know how you feel. Make sure you both listen to each other and communicate properly. Hopefully, he'll promise never to stay out too late like that again and keeps that promise.
Man, Jim Nance. It's crazy how much attention this thread got.
I know, Tony Romo. And even more crazy is that the OP is a woman. Very rare on letsrun.
Alright Jim, let's look for cynics and trolls.
Well Tony, it seems that some people are advocating she break up with him for this offense.
That's right Jim, and notice the odd number of people saying that she should drop him for a guy with a fat wallet.
Hm, very, very, disturbing.
lolzz wrote:
I don't really get what the big deal is wrote:
I get why you are annoyed, but treating this like some kind of "offense" seems a little over the top to me. He stayed out with his friends all night. Big deal. He missed a lunch with your parents. Big deal. I would have told my parents that he stayed out too late with his friends for a special occasion and couldn't make it. If you don't make a big deal out of it, they won't (and if they do, that does not bode well for them staying out of your business in the future). Go hiking. Tell him you wished he hadn't missed lunch and then move on.
FWIW, I've been married 27 years and what your boyfriend did is not even close to some of the dumb ass things my husband did with his friends when we were younger. And, by the way, most people take on more responsibility in terms of job and family as they age. The opportunity to party with friends all night won't last forever. Life is short and times will get hard. He should be able to savor the fun times.
Not saying is disagree with statement. But, this isn't about the events themselves (missing lunch and partying). It's about the principle of being able to come through. If you like somebody, I don't care how hard you partied, get 2-4 hours of sleep, wake up, shower and put in a half-a#$ effort at lunch with the folks, annoying as it may be. Go home and go back to bed. Dude is in his late 20s. Obviously, he either shouldn't party that hard anymore, or is just a plain baby and/or undisciplined.
This notion that millennials should party hard and "have fun" well into their early 30s and 40s is going to lead to an epidemic of people in our generation having to work well into their 80s, because they didn't get locked down into a good career and work hard when time was on their side to save and build up their net worth. There are very few people who can party very hard like they did in college and have a very successful career as well (probably less than 0.5% of the population). If i had a daughter and she was dating someone in their late 20s that didn't already have a solid career (or prospect of one) there's no way i'd be supportive of that relationship.
OP should consider moving on if something like this happens again. There are plenty of guys out there that make big bank and will be willing to prioritize the relationship, even if they spent the night before partying. IMHO.
LOL.....you are admonishing the guy for acting like a teenager, then admit you'd treat your own daughter of the same age like a teenager.
A 29-year old woman shouldn't give a flying fk if their parents are supportive of their relationship.
Just curious, what age would you deem your child old enough to make their own relationship choices? 40?
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
Hi everyone, the original "annoyed girlfriend" here providing an update. To the person in this thread that something like this might end up bringing us closer if we talk about it like adults, you were absolutely spot-on.
We met today (the day after the planned lunch) to talk. He told me how sorry he was, and how he didn't mean for this to happen. He had lost track of time and before he knew it, it was around 4 AM. He fully took responsibility that he should have paid more attention to time and left at a proper time. He felt sick but tried to rally himself together but then eventually texted me around 6-7 AM because he was still feeling bad and didn't want to be queasy or anything at the lunch because he wants to maintain his good impression in front of my parents. He also emphasized that he absolutely wasn't prioritizing something like this over me. I know he's a little stressed because he's applying for jobs right now (graduating from a top law school later this year) and this was a birthday party for someone in his class, where they talked about the pressures of school/jobs and how it was good to see others felt similar and also felt the imposter syndrome. He also wished I had come (I had felt like I would be out of place there) and told me how all his classmates want to meet me/how much he talked about me positively (I have met a few of them but only briefly).
We talked it out (I didn't raise my voice at all, and he didn't either) and I explained my side of things which he completely understand, and he took full responsibility that he was in the wrong. All in all, we ended up making up and I think having this honest conversation did bring us closer together. He is a dependable person. I know this was not the norm for him and I can tell he was genuinely sorry about it.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts :)
way to keep the troll going, not bad...
here's the thing......He WAS prioritizing this thing over you.....and if you aren't ok with that then you have some serious issues to work out for yourself. There are going to be times in his life when he has things that are more important to him than meeting your parents for dinner. That's normal.
what is not norma,. and frankly a bit pychotic and co-dependent, is insisting on being the number 1 priority in someone's life all the time.
If HE was the biggest priority in your life, then you would have been glad he had fun with his friends and not worried about how it was creating a minorly awkward situation for you. It's obvious you are your own highest priority. Why should you have to be his highest priority as well?
Flagpole should add a rule. A real man ...
1. ...
2. ...
3. ...
4. ...
5. Can work with a hangover.
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
So he did text me in the afternoon asking how the lunch went and then also asked if I wanted to go hiking.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL too sick for lunch, but he was all good for a HIKE?
LOLOLOLOL
very obvious to adults wrote:
you are missing the bigger issue wrote:
You realize he cheated on you, right?
This is pretty obvious.
The guy says he was too messed up for lunch, but two hours later is is all good for a hike???
It the issue was just the effects of partying, anyone worth being with would put on his big-boy pants and get through the lunch, even if it took an Oscar-worthy performance.
More likely he woke up with someone else and was headed home from cheating on the OP, which would spook most guys into making an excuse for being out late. He then tried to cement the story by cancelling out on lunch - "Look, I really am in such a bad way here! Really! Believe me!"
The fact that OP says he is a "nice guy" only reinforces it. A less nice guy, a true player (who the OP's BF isn't...yet), would just go to the lunch like nothing happened. But as a nice guy he spent the morning stressing.
100% he cheated.
smells untoward wrote:
very obvious to adults wrote:
This is pretty obvious.
The guy says he was too messed up for lunch, but two hours later is is all good for a hike???
It the issue was just the effects of partying, anyone worth being with would put on his big-boy pants and get through the lunch, even if it took an Oscar-worthy performance.
More likely he woke up with someone else and was headed home from cheating on the OP, which would spook most guys into making an excuse for being out late. He then tried to cement the story by cancelling out on lunch - "Look, I really am in such a bad way here! Really! Believe me!"
The fact that OP says he is a "nice guy" only reinforces it. A less nice guy, a true player (who the OP's BF isn't...yet), would just go to the lunch like nothing happened. But as a nice guy he spent the morning stressing.
100% he cheated.
yep, straight from the horses mouth. Amazing the insight this place can provide.
I don't really get what the big deal is wrote:
FWIW, I've been married 27 years and what your boyfriend did is not even close to some of the dumb ass things my husband did with his friends when we were younger.
You being married 27 years and your husband's "dumb ass" behavior isn't an excuse for the OP's boyfriend. Maybe she's looking for a more even keeled, reliable fellow