yhyj wrote:
Family BPD Experience wrote:I have a bit of a different take with the same outcome...my mom is diagnosed BPD. She's now in her mid-60s and was only officially diagnosed a few years ago. It was a very rough ride getting to the diagnosis, especially the last few years.
To us kids (now all late 30s and older), my parents had a pretty solid marriage growing up. We were a blue collar family, solid upbringing but no extras. Money was typically tight, so arguments on that topic occurred on occasions. Looking back, over the years, my mom would subversively plant these stories about how my dad was controlling (esp about $$), emotionally abusive and generally not very supportive of her in general. We thought that was just typical marriage stuff. About 5 years ago, things came to a head in her mind. She secretly planned to leave my dad, hired a lawyer and had divorce papers drawn up and delivered. She asked to stay with my family (we're several states away) so she could work through the process. And since she made it out like she was a battered woman, my wife and I agreed to take her in. She literally snuck out of the house after packing her belongings in trash bags because she felt threatened.
After about a month with us, the picture was becoming clear. We talked a lot, and I started to notice significant inconsistencies in her stories. She began telling these elaborate falsehoods about my dad and her past life (e.g., like she was date raped at 16, how my dad had affairs over the years with other women, or how she had an online affair with a good family friend and then called his wife when he spurned her.) And then the crazy really started to show. Very irrational behavior. She would fly into rages, screaming and yelling over stuff that didn't exist. At some point, she would snap out of it and not really remember lashing out. It was like a light switch was flipped. Keep in mind, we still didn't know she had BPD, but started to realize that she was mentally ill. I set up a counseling session with my parents, my bro and I. That was helpful at first, but things began to continue to spiral. My dad finally confided in me that my mom had been acting this way for the better part of 30 years!
After a few months of being with us, we told her it was time to move on, more because she started to verbally abuse us. She eventually begged my dad to take her back. My dad, who was completely still hurt by my mom's actions of the previous few months, was reluctant. My mom ended up taking some pills (the first of several times) in a very weak attempt as suicide. My dad decided to take her back and commited to getting her the help she needs. Several cycles of intense therapy, different cocktails of drugs, police involvement that led to involuntary commitment to the psych ward at the hospital (three times) and my mom having my dad arrested for a false abuse charge finally led to my dad to cut the cord. Sold the house, split everything and no longer interact.
My kids, who experienced an episode first hand a few years ago, are terrified of her. The mom I knew growing up no longer exists. She's pushed everyone away. To be honest, I really don’t want much to do with her any longer. She’s not willing to really help herself and continues to act very irrationally. Very sad. My recommendation is like that of everyone one else on this board…end it now. Else your life will be a constant hell. However, if you have any ties with her family, maybe reach out to them and encourage them to seek treatment for her. She will never “get better” but she can help manage this condition. But it’s not your responsibility and you can’t save her.
She is your responsibility. She is your mom. She is your family. These people are mentally ill. She can't help herself idiot.
He already tried to help her over the course of several years, as did his dad. It didn't do any good. This is unfortunately how it goes. I find people who've never been around mentally ill people have no clue. I have mentally ill people in my family. There is NOTHING you can do. Most of the time the person doesn't even think there's anything wrong and doesn't want to change. How do you help someone improve their life if they are determined to keep it in the toilet? It's impossible. I'm talking from over 20 years of experience with these types. You can try and try and try for 20+ years and nothing will change. The only thing that will happen is your life will be ruined.
FWIW, I had a mother like the one described only not as bad. Things got really bad for about 7 or 8 years, and though she is a bit better now (after losing her husband, her friends, and pretty much her kids also), she still curses my dad to no end, tells crazy stories about him, and says he was a controlling pr!ck. All this stuff right in front of me. What a great mom. It's especially crazy because she's one of the most selfish and conceited people I've ever met in my life, and my dad is totally selfless and someone everyone respects and admires. I honestly feel really sorry for my dad because my mom wasn't like this when they got married. Things didn't start going downhill until they'd already had two kids. My dad stuck it out until the youngest left for college and then did himself a favor by leaving my mom. I felt sorry for him that he felt he needed to wait. My mom was a toxic individual who made everyone's life worse. Us kids would have been better off not even having her in the picture.