How devastating is it to find out your high school teenage daughter is having sex?

I've gotta think there are many trolls on this thread or just one posting under different names. This thread is ridiculous. People have sex. That includes young people. Nothing wrong with that, and this shouldn't be news to anyone who's lived anything resembling a normal life.

The OP has had a reality check, that's all. He should handle it responsibly and try to make sure she's being responsible as well. In 2-3 years he's not going to have any say or control over it anyway.

As long as she's safe, good for her. Tell your friend to grow up. Was he trying to get laid in high school? If not with someone who was someone else's daughter, then who?

Wait till you guys that say it's completely normal have 16 year old daughters. Karma sucks sometimes :)

I automatically skip every response that mentions the Bible, Jesus, or Christianity.

When someone resorts to that in any discussion about life, I just have to assume you can't think about things outside the lens of how the world was 2000 years ago.

I have no problem with religion. But once you start talking about it to other people, you come across as either desperate or a lunatic.

/rant

Herman Abel wrote:

As long as she's safe, good for her. Tell your friend to grow up. Was he trying to get laid in high school? If not with someone who was someone else's daughter, then who?

There is no such thing as being "safe". Many, many women have gotten pregnant while using birth control. If she gets pregnant, where will the boy be? In most cases, he will be out the door and she will be left dealing with an unwanted pregnancy.

This doesn't even take into account that a 16 year old is not usually emotionally ready to deal with sex. Girls tend to view sex differently than boys. Unfortunately, girls often end up giving in and having sex because she fears getting dumped if she doesn't. Girls have MUCH more to lose if they have sex at a young age than a boy. Studies have proven that sexually active teenage girls are 2-3 times more likely to suffer from depression than their peers who aren't sexually active.

Because unless they are mature enough to take care of a child, they should not have sex... that is only one reason. If they can't provide for a baby, then they shouldn't have sex. In order to learn how to have a healthy relationship, they must start with building a healthy relationship in the absence of a physical intimacy. Once they can handle respecting and loving someone without the requirement of sex, then they are ready to commit to that person through engagement. Allowing kids to have sex is a recipe for regret, depression, pregnancy that they are not ready for, and emotional instability. HS relationships RARELY turn into anything that is emotionally healthy and lasting. That's why.

You are a very good troll

I love all the replies from the same IP address with different usernames to try and make it seem like a bunch of people are against me.

Also, the "troll" accusations, yeah. I mean NOBODY in the world could ever think pre-marital sex is a bad idea. /s

Concerned for a Friend wrote:

My buddy at work just found out his 16yo daughter has been having sex with her boyfriend and I swear he has been in a depressed funk ever since. I don't have kids nearly that old and I don't know what to say to cheer him up. He's just so pissed about it. I don't think he likes the boyfriend that much.

Anyway, she seems like a pretty good kid. Her grades are good and I think she's not doing drugs or anything.

It must just be hard to take though because it was just 4 years ago that she was basically a little kid.

Sorry I'm late to the party, but I'm not going to read through all the responses. My daughter started having sex at 16 also and it was disappointing, but not surprising. Here are some of my thoughts having been through this.

First, it isn't your job to cheer up your friend.

Second, the sun still come up each day...so clearly it isn't the end of the world.

Third, as a Christian man I can say alot about what I think is right and wrong, but the reality is it isn't inconsistent with humanity or a belief in mankind's sinfulness that the daughter would do this behavior. So take the concept of right and wrong and/or the idealism of chastity out of the equation. They don't help help you think through this.

Fourth, if your friend didn't set the foundation early that choices have consequences, them he has missed a fantastic teachable moment in all this. It not too late to work through this though.

Fifth, preserve the relationship at all costs. In the long run it is the daughters life to live and her consequences, whatever they may be, to deal with.

So, I had a conversation with my daughter after I found out that covered some basic topics. The most important thing was for her to know that I loved her and her performance to meet my expectations did not change that one bit. While I was disappointed, I let her know that this decision on her part was to take a step into the adult world. Basically, now that she has grabbed the benefits of being adult, she now also has to have the responsibilities. I have obligations to provide the basics (food, clothing, shelter) until she is 18. I also reserve the right to provide extra for her at my choosing because I love her and CHOOSE to provide beyond the basics at my discretion. But, now that she has taken away my privilege to provide guidance and protection to her it is now time to become the adult you want to be and begin covering the items that you otherwise are or have been taking for granted. This is hard and should not be done in any way or measure as a way for vengeance or getting even. Just that part of being an adult is to make your own world turn as you are able. It's time to get a job if you want extra spending money. It's time to pay for your own gas and insurance and car stuff. Obviously some assistance is going to be needed along the way, but the veil of childhood has been removed and it is imperative for her to get that truth.

Anyway, it isn't the end of the world. And it IS a bit Polyanna to somehow feel that she should or could or would live up to all your hopes and dreams for her. Time for your friend to grow also. Forgive, change how the daughter is dealt with and love without coddling her anymore and the rest will take care of itself.

I am reading this thread out of private interest, but I must return to work. That said, I haven't read the whole thing.

From what I have read, Candela is not only a conceited egotisical poster, but he may also be basing all his answers off of religious and personal beliefs. Furthermore, he is using sociological and ethical arguments of word definitions to dispute full well what is easily inferable from various posters.

He is also not very helpful and kid of a d-ick. I realize I am just bashing here but this guy really frustrated me.

You know, for whatever reason, you all just seem TOO upset that I think differently than you. Do I care if you all practice pre-marital sex? Not at all. I'm not imposing anything on you. All that I said was that I personally thought it was wrong. I get attacked repeatedly for a personal opinion.

It's a little funny actually. If I had said "I think eating too many blueberries is immoral", everyone would be like "okay, that's strange, but whatever". But it seems with the pre-marital sex issue, I've hit a nerve, and it just confirms my hypothesis that most of you know that it's wrong and are attempting to rationalize or attack me in order to make yourself feel better about what you're doing. Otherwise, you'd just think I have a strange view and move on -- instead I seem to be the focus of everyone's replies.

I mean really, what do you all want?

Do you want some stranger on the internet to change the way he thinks so he's like everyone else? You want me to quit talking about it? Should everyone that thinks differently than the majority quit talking about it?

What the f""" does this all have to do with running??

There is such a thing as being reasonably safe, and we do it every time we leave the house. Every time I run at 6 AM I am taking a risk that some idiot will run me over. Every time I get drunk I risk dying in some bizarre accident.

Every time I have sex there is a risk that the girl will get pregnant with a kid I don't want. But I, like just about every other man, judge the risk to be worth the reward. Also, a combination of pulling out (regardless of what they told you in Health class, it works) and birth control means there is practically no risk of having a kid. There's also Plan B if the girl forgets to take her BC.

And to address some other replies of people "who quit reading" because of the 11th commandment joke.

I don't think religion forbids premarital sex. At all. Find me a passage in the Bible, Quran, or Greek mythology books that is against premartial sex. You won't find one (I think). My point is that some people (the majority of religious people), think that religion forbids it, but personally, I don't see where they are getting this from.

If you think about it rationally, the really strange thing would be marriage before sex. That's why it almost never happens, whatever some people may want you to believe.

The fact that most kids in a society like the US cannot talk to their parents about sex is probably why there are so many unplanned teenage pregnancies. Teenagers in Europe aren't any less sexually active, but most of them know how to use a condom and other contraceptives.

Here's your scholarly article on the topic:

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/journals/3324401.html

Adolescent childbearing is more common in the United States (22% of women reported having had a child before age 20) than in Great Britain (15%), Canada (11%), France (6%) and Sweden (4%); differences are even greater for births to younger teenagers.

Most of the difference in pregnancy rates between the United States and the other study countries is due to the high unintended pregnancy rate in the United States, [...], which is much higher than the total teenage pregnancy rates of all other study countries.

The available data indicate that variation in sexual behavior is not an important contributor to explaining differences in levels of teenage pregnancy between the United States and other study countries, or even differences between France and Sweden on the one hand and Canada and Great Britain on the other.

Will you shut up now?

No, I won't shut up. At this point, I'm finding it hilarious that MY PERSONAL VIEWS are bothering people so much when it doesn't affect or impose anything on them at all.

Oh, and look a little earlier in the thread. I already addressed that point you are trying to make (too late).

simply not possible wrote:

This doesn't even take into account that a 16 year old is not usually emotionally ready to deal with sex. Girls tend to view sex differently than boys. Unfortunately, girls often end up giving in and having sex because she fears getting dumped if she doesn't. Girls have MUCH more to lose if they have sex at a young age than a boy. Studies have proven that sexually active teenage girls are 2-3 times more likely to suffer from depression than their peers who aren't sexually active.

I am a female and I had sex when I was 15. I did not "give in" and I did not "fear getting dumped." Like most 15/16/17yr old girls, I was a walking hormonal time bomb. I was in a committed relationship that I eventually ended because I wanted to have sex with someone else.

Teenagers are stupid, reckless and hormonal. But, they usually come out the other side just fine.