justanotherstatistic wrote:
50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible.
You need to work harder at saving your marriage than you have at saving money.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible.
You need to work harder at saving your marriage than you have at saving money.
keepdoingwhatucan wrote:
justanotherstatistic wrote:
Hello all, before I talk with a lawyer and as I still try to process everything I've come here for advice. I'll keep it short and sweet.
After 8 years of marriage my wife has asked for a divorce. I first realized how bad things were about a year ago. We've tried working through things but she isn't happy. She asked me to change certain things about myself, which I have done and she has recognized that I have done, but says she still isn't happy and wants to move forward with her life without me. I still love her very much, but over the last 3 months I've come to realize that our marriage is over. Neither of us have ever cheated or been involved in a domestic dispute or anything wild, we've simply grown apart.
I'm more introverted than my wife probably realized when we were dating (I had stopped running then). When I picked up running last year to help deal with all this stress it just pissed her off more as she only saw it as more time away from her. My wife wants a man that's going to sit on the couch all weekend and watch musicals and love stories, and that just isn't me.
Here's my dilemma....we have lived in Colorado for the past 6 years & my wife wants to take the kids and move back "home" to be near her family in Nebraska. I have a great job here and recently got my 2nd promotion. I make enough money to live comfortably which has (since we got married) afforded my wife the opportunity to be a "stay at home mom." In the last 4 years my wife has started her own business (she's an "artist") and makes about $25k a year (zero of which she contributes to any bills or living expenses).
I'm TRYING really hard not to be a jerk, but there is ZERO chance I'm letting her take our kids out of state, not a chance. Everything we own is in my name. I told her that I would sign her vehicle over to her so that it's in her name and that I will pay for a place for her to live for 1 year while she gets on her feet on her own for the first time in life. I also agreed that I would give her 50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
We are trying to do this WITHOUT spending a ton fighting in court. I'm trying to do the "right" things while at the same time not screwing myself over. The only debt we have is our mortgage. I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible. Really just looking for some guidance and where to start as my whole life has been spinning out of control lately and sadly, running is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I'm 34 years old and my wife is 29. Never thought I'd be "starting over."
A word of wisdom similar situation with me almost 20 years ago. Wife wanted out of marriage and wanted to move to another state to be with new wealthy man. We had a son and he stayed with me.
When she left me I had $1.67 in my account and we struggled but made it through.
When it didn't work out with new wealthy man she came back to be closer to her son.
We patched things up and have been married ever since and just had 26th anniversary.
Don't worry too much about the past or the future focus on 'right now' this moment. Be who you are but stand behind what you believe in. You might not be able to change you wife's mind but you can be and will be a great father to your children if you live in the moment.
Not sure why you are worried about money when it really is your children you should focus on. If you have to 'start over' it will be for the best and things will work out like they always do. Enjoy your moment and say 'yea to it all'. Pick you a book by Joseph Campbell and it will all make sense. Cheers.
You took your wife back after she abandoned you to go chase a rich Chad? Like letting her stay in your kids life is one thing but wifing her back up? Christ. What goes through some sad desperate mens' heads I will never know.
NOT Brigham Young wrote:
Am convinced most marriages would succeed if polyandry was socially accepted. If OP partnered with another man (the interesting bad-boy type) ALL his wife's needs would be met.
https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https://timedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/01/wp-200172887-007.jpg?quality%3D75%26strip%3Dcolor%26w%3D1100&imgrefurl=https://wheatandtares.org/2016/06/26/does-dc-132-support-polyandry/&h=880&w=1100&tbnid=s4ZD8zvlLqbkNM:&q=polyandry&tbnh=160&tbnw=200&usg=AI4_-kQVgXgK6YMm9yx-QXWXTGEE8OdQtQ&vet=12ahUKEwivw8W09d7fAhUWFjQIHVuJDNgQ_B0wF3oECAUQBg..i&docid=An_vz5zFByV3UM&itg=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwivw8W09d7fAhUWFjQIHVuJDNgQ_B0wF3oECAUQBg
Just because all these guys pants are massive doesn't mean they are the bad boy type
Precious Roy wrote:
If the kids are in elementary school, do everything you can to try to convince your wife to stay in CO. Divorce is really hard on little kids. Combining divorce with a move can really do a lot of unnecessary damage. Toddlers and babies have no clue what is going on and a move is not as big a deal. My mom moved me and my sister when I was seven after an acrimonious divorce from my father. I am certain I would have had a more stable and healthy childhood if I did not have to move. My mother wanted a fresh start in a warmer climate. Ironically, after remarrying, she ended up following my step father back north and lives a few hours from where we used to live.
Also, as noted above, get a lawyer. There are lots of alternatives to formal divorce proceedings out there that make things work smoothly. But you need something formal and enforceable between you and your soon to be ex. Custody and visitation need to be hammered out with clarity. You may be able to convince her to say in CO in exchange for better financial support.
Not trying to be a dick, but he has been married for 8 yrs. The kids are (by definition) 7 years old or under.
Try Harder wrote:
Precious Roy wrote:
If the kids are in elementary school, do everything you can to try to convince your wife to stay in CO. Divorce is really hard on little kids. Combining divorce with a move can really do a lot of unnecessary damage. Toddlers and babies have no clue what is going on and a move is not as big a deal. My mom moved me and my sister when I was seven after an acrimonious divorce from my father. I am certain I would have had a more stable and healthy childhood if I did not have to move. My mother wanted a fresh start in a warmer climate. Ironically, after remarrying, she ended up following my step father back north and lives a few hours from where we used to live.
Also, as noted above, get a lawyer. There are lots of alternatives to formal divorce proceedings out there that make things work smoothly. But you need something formal and enforceable between you and your soon to be ex. Custody and visitation need to be hammered out with clarity. You may be able to convince her to say in CO in exchange for better financial support.
Not trying to be a dick, but he has been married for 8 yrs. The kids are (by definition) 7 years old or under.
Yes, being married 8 years, that is the definition of the kids being 7 years or younger. Whatever the hell that even means.
What if there was someway the kids could be older than their parents have been married? Hmm, guess you are right I can't think of any.
Try Harder wrote:
Not trying to be a dick, but he has been married for 8 yrs. The kids are (by definition) 7 years old or under.
The kids could be a lot older.
Maybe it's news for you but you can get kids before you are married.
Have your wife pick a marriage counselor.
The good news is that in most states your marriage will be designated a short-term marriage which increasingly means that, if it were to get all the way to a judge, you probably won't have to assume a lifelong alimony obligation. Of course, this varies by state and also by judge.
The best possible outcome for you is to reach an agreement with your wife prior to get any lawyer involved. The bulldog divorce lawyers that many of the posters here are encouraging you to contact will cost you somewhere between $500 to $800 per hour, with a $5,000 to $10,000 retainer up front. You won't see any of that money ever again. You may need a mediator eventually but try to figure it out for yourselves first.
Here's a basic resource:
https://www.hg.org/divorce-law-colorado.html
On finances: your wife will read the information above and assume that she will receive the maximum possible of everything. You will read it and only want to commit to the minimum. The truth is that you will both face some trade-offs. Do you own your house outright? If not, all you own is what you've paid into it as principal. Given the shortness of your marriage you may actually OWN very little of the house, which means there is little equity to divide. You could offer to assume the mortgage as a single note holder as a trade-off to shorten or lessen alimony or in lieu of child support.
On children: the reality is that children are essentially property in the eyes of the court. Baring true abuse or neglect, she won't have the legal means to deprive you of your children. You will share joint physical custody which means she can't move unless you agree or the kids turn 18. (Practically speaking, judges start to listen to what kids want around the age of 12...and what they really want by age 16.) Here too you can think rather brutally about trade-offs: if she really wants the kids to move with her to Nebraska, then maybe she foregoes alimony to get that deal. You will still owe child support.
Divorce is financially very expensive for the bread winner. But it will also require your wife to get job. You don't make enough money for any judge to expect you to pay her to be a stay-at-home Mom in a neighboring state. On that front, if she believes anything like that, she's deluded. And that's where a mediator can help. They can bring some reality into the conversation.
It would be an exercise well worth doing to model what both of your finances will look like after the divorce. You will have doubled your family's expenses (unless she's moving back in with her parents or in with another man) and the court will expect her to help shoulder the burden. You have hundreds of decisions to make. And you are going to feel incredibly angry and cheated. But only go to lawyers as a last resort. Once they get involved, you will be hearing them say to one another what you could simply be discussing with your wife.
Show no mercy wrote:
....
also ... sweep the leg.
Divorce lawyer here.
Certainly with the move issue it's important to at least consult with an attorney. Look for someone who is competent but just isn't out to bill as much as possible (yes those exist, especially in the family law world... in my area more than half the family law lawyers hate the in fighting part). Look for someone who has reasonable ideas about resolution. Contrary to popular believe an attorney can be a bulldog when needed and a willing to work towards amicable resolutions if appropriate. The rub is whether or not your wife would get a similar attorney.
If possible see if there are any attorneys in your area that offer mediation services. Usually they will do a flat fee which might include paperwork if you can reach an agreement. They won't represent either of you and you can still consult/hire an attorney to give you legal advice throughout the process.
Besides the move issue (which in my state are considered complicated cases) this sounds like a case that could/should resolve amicably.
Colorado has a straight formula for determining child support payments.
So what happened?
logic less wrote:
At some point she will realize this was a dumb move. No one wants to date a 29 yo mom with 2 kids, no job, and no prospects. Slim pickings out there and she will be scraping the bottom of the barrel for sure.
There are 54 to 69 year old men who will take her in a minute.
What?? wrote:
logic less wrote:
At some point she will realize this was a dumb move. No one wants to date a 29 yo mom with 2 kids, no job, and no prospects. Slim pickings out there and she will be scraping the bottom of the barrel for sure.
There are 54 to 69 year old men who will take her in a minute.
Like I said, scrapping the bottom of the barrel.
cobra-kai wrote:
Show no mercy wrote:
....
also ... sweep the leg.
I laughed. Hard.
I have a great job here and recently got my 2nd promotion. I make enough money to live comfortably.. I also agreed that I would give her 50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?). The only debt we have is our mortgage. I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible.
Drain the joint accounts, put everything liquid in Bitcoin, and skip town. You want to be looking at Bali indonesia, Thailand, Colombia, or somewhere warm and cheap where you can live on your capital and thumb your nose at her & the ball busting matriarchy lawyers and judges. If your Jewish and she's goy you're golden cuz Israel protects you from everything. Don't worry about the kids they'll be fine. Parenting is mostly overrated BS. It's all genetics and predestiny anyhow so let them figure it out. What you need to focus on is getting a new passport and making sure she and her lawyer don't get your stuff. Then you need to get a location independent source of income that enables you to live large instead of like a cublicle slave shmendrik paying child support & alimony in America.
Holy $hit I just laughed so hard. This was hilarious and brilliant at the same time. Brilliant in regards to the bitcoin portion for sure. Literally invest all of your liquid assets in bitcoin.
Screw it, liquidate all of your stocks and mutual funds, and invest all of that in bitcoin. She will hate her life when you have to split bitcoin finances by the time it is all said and done. She will be sleepless wondering what the hell your finances will even be worth by then.
Was in a very similar spot to you 3 years ago. Am now divorced but, after a couple years of re-establishing my life and dating, ended up in a much more fulfilling relationship with a much more compatible partner. We have both been through life stuff and are in our late 30s. It gets way better, if you have an awareness of your contribution to your marriage ending and take steps to evolve as a person and partner.
I also had a young kid with my ex-wife. As hard as it is now, you have to now view your ex as a co-worker or business partner in the job of co-parenting you’re kid. Draft up a detailed separation and custody agreement, be professional and cordial but firm on your non-negotiables, while trying to meet in the middle where possible on things important to her. The court system is, in theory, meant to be impartial to the adults’ best interest and look out for the childrens’ best interest. From your situation, it sounds like you are justified in wanting to stay where you are and keep your kids in state, and the court system should agree. As long as you establish joint custody in all regards, you should be able to insist that the kids stay in state, since moving would lead to uncertainty in the majority stake of your kids’ financial welfare.
Spewed my drink wrote:
Holy $hit I just laughed so hard. This was hilarious and brilliant at the same time. Brilliant in regards to the bitcoin portion for sure. Literally invest all of your liquid assets in bitcoin.
Screw it, liquidate all of your stocks and mutual funds, and invest all of that in bitcoin. She will hate her life when you have to split bitcoin finances by the time it is all said and done. She will be sleepless wondering what the hell your finances will even be worth by then.
I gotta admit, I'd laugh a little (though I'd want to kick a$$) if my partner did that out of spite. It might just make me fall back in love all over again.
King Vitamin wrote:
Was in a very similar spot to you 3 years ago. Am now divorced but, after a couple years of re-establishing my life and dating, ended up in a much more fulfilling relationship with a much more compatible partner.
Ha ha ha. Sure. Righto.
Check back in with us in 7 years, buddy.
Exactly, you make a valid point. Anyone who pulls that off has serious balls, and probably warrants a second run at the whole relationship. There's probably a real side to the person that they had no idea existed.
