I was a 1:49 800m and 4:07 miler in college. I did everything I could from diet, training, sleep, prioritization, mindset training, everything. That’s about as good as it gets for me.
From the age of 12 I had a dream, and that was to be a pro runner someday. I saw athletes like Symmonds and Brazier ripping around the track and outkicking the competition with a gutsy final push and I wanted that to be me someday. I visualized making varsity on my HS track team and I did it. I visualized being the fastest guy on the team and I did it. I visualized winning my first meet and I did it. I visualized being regional champion and I did it. I visualized being a state champ, and I didn’t quite pull it off but I felt like I could be as good as the people that beat me if I kept working at it. I visualized surpassing them in college and I did it. I visualized winning my first NCAA regionals, and I didn’t pull it off. The winning time was 1:47.high and I ran a 1:50.low. People were qualifying for NCAAs running sub 1:48 and I’d ran 1:49.low as a PB. People were getting contracts at 1:46 and I’d ran a 1:49.low PB. I started researching PEDs and how they could help my particular case (adequate speed to be a pro 800m runner, that 800m X factor, but just slightly too weak aerobically) out of frustration because I had given it everything I had and some and I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of it. I came to the conclusion that I could probably run at least around 1:45 and 3:55 if I hopped on PEDs. In a twisted way, I could’ve kept the dream alive, and I knew from the methods portrayed in this thread that it was likely I could get away with it. I ultimately decided not to, but I very seriously considered it.
The win at all costs mentality is a requirement to run at the highest level, and if you are even somewhat ethically compromised, doping is the logical conclusion for that mentality. It wasn’t just the scholarship money, it was “I’m a few seconds away from living my lifelong dream, other people are doing it anyways, and I’ll probably get away with it. If I don’t do it, I’m gonna have to find a new dream”. I beat myself up for a couple years after graduation that I DIDNT do it. I was so incredibly heartbroken that I had finally gotten to the end of the line. Seeing that many top runners have that same drive that I do, maybe even moreso, I think off of principle it’s ridiculous to think a lot of them haven’t talked themselves into doping.