Unhappy Thanksgiving - Uninvited Relatives, Strife, and Misery

Turkey Runner wrote:

It is my wife's turn to hold her family Thanksgiving this year. Last year we traveled to my relatives with no major issues other than griping, sniping, and grumbling from her family.

The last Thanksgiving I went to with her family basically runs down like this:

her mother and she and her siblings aren't on the best of terms ever to say the least, but they all make a show of "being able to get together" and they never address or resolve any differences or conflict. So once they resolve the argument over where to hold it, who cooks what, and what time it is, they have apparent peace, but in reality it is just resentment and sniping building up to a boiling point for Thanksgiving Day. Comments about how the food doesn't taste right and what food is missing etc. start it off. Then comments to the kids like "don't do that, your uncle/aunt is uptight and that kind of play upsets him" (they were loading, cranking, and shooting bbs guns in the house and ruining drywall). If I say nothing my wife says I am not defending her, if I say something she starts defending her family. No win situation.

This year my wife got a call asking if Thanksgiving was at our house from the black sheep (if that is possible in this family) who stole from the grandparents and doesn't really get along with anyone. So we think they may show up which will probably cause a fistfight. Amongst the regular dysfunctionals, this year's looming surface argument is about whether or not to say grace, when to say, it what to say, and how. Apparently my new brother-in-law is agnostic (supposedly in your face) and a sister-in-law is Jewish. A niece is dating someone they "think he may be a Muslim" (no one apparently is smart enough to just ask). So my wife is hearing from the family that if there is a simple grace that we will tick off just about everyone. I suggested a short and sweet "Thank you for bringing us all together as a family, as we think of family afar and departed that we remember and are prayerful for, we are especially thankful for the bounty of our table and our lives, and we pray or hold our thoughts in our heart in silence for moment ... thank you" Seems as non-denominational etc. as it can get. Apparently, next the plan was that people will take turns, so we can have a Muslim, a Hebrew, ours, and an agnostic point of view/blessing shared. Now we are being given the word that people will not attend or walk if that goes down, and apparently words have been exchanged between family members.

I told my wife it is my house, she says "our", and that at some point we have to make the rules and decisions because her dysfunctional family cannot. Of course she cries etc. etc. Somehow I am beginning to be the bad guy, because since it is at my house everyone holds me responsible for their family nonsense. At this point I am just gonna say nothing and when it comes time to serve either say what I originally proposed or just do a toast and say "Thank you all for coming to our house, we are grateful to all of you being here to help our children learn respect and honor for family, and know that today will be a great day to remember our togetherness."

I expect nuclear armageddon to ensue no matter what I do. Given the ramblings and dysfunction on this board, seems I probably am not the first to face these questions so I got two:

1. anyone got a better suggestion on the grace issue, besides going out for a long run the whole day?

2. when should someone call the police on a family fight on thanksgiving? Unfortunately, this is a real question cause it is 50/50 that they will be blows.