I cut my father out of my life in 2000 and haven't seen him since. I have no intention of ever seeing him again and would skip his funeral. My son has never and will never meet him. He is a crook and a liar.
Real late in replying to this, but here is a portion of my experience:
My own father is one of the classic examples of hypocrites I've ever known in life (and that's even after dealing with my own hypocrisy in some areas of life). He was also passive-reactive or passive-aggressive, whichever is in vogue these days. Never showed any interest in me at all growing up, whether emotionally or relationally or vocationally (never talked about the opposite gender, maturity, help me find what I was good at, etc). . .unless I did something wrong or he just didn't like, then it was hell to pay, constant criticism, telling me I would be a failure in life, etc. And even if I was innocent, he sometimes still punished me until he found out I was innocent, then wouldn't apologize except to save face in front of others who might have known he blew it.
Despite all his lectures and criticisms about hard work, money, blah, blah, blah, it dawned on me later in life that it was my mother who held a steady job for nearly 35 years and actually made most of the income, paid the mortgage, had insurance, kept clothes on me, fed me, etc. I realize now that my dad couldn't have lived the half-ass bum lifestyle he has all these years without my mom's integrity and steadiness and paycheck. If there are any good qualities in me, I give credit to my mother. She's a real trooper, real organized, real generous, sets goals and makes a plan to achieve the goals, practices little disciplines through the day. My dad has no such abilities. He just sits around and gripes about stuff when it falls apart...even though it's falling apart because he didn't want to deal with it or didn't have a plan in place to maintain it. My dad kind of just did whatever work he could find because I think he had political ambitions to be like a congressman or senator or governor. It was never going to happen (and thank God my dad never got into one of those offices because he can't even find his keys or balance a basic checkbook, let alone have the skill set to handle an office like that) and I think deep down he's bitter over it, though he would deflect that comment and make excuses.
It's the same with sports, which is where a lot of men hide. He would have never been a good athlete or coach, but I think like a lot of Dunning-Krueger types, he believes he would have despite all evidence to the contrary (mainly he wouldn't have been good because he has no internal discipline). I've never seen or heard anyone else who thinks they know every call of the basketball game (always a foul, always...) or football game or how he would coach them to do A instead of the B they were doing and surely they would've won. Guy's a real textbook closet narcissist (honestly, I don't think he really knows he's a narcissist but anyone around him in real life for a while will see it). I was an okay runner in high school. I made all-state a few times, got a small college scholarship. He very seldom came out for any of the small, local meets. Would show up for major championships, then lecture me if he thought I sandbagged or didn't place high enough. Once I got injured during a warmup and he acted like I was making excuses not to race. Sheesh. Knew nothing, and still knows nothing. But he hides in sports. I personally would like to cut all sports television/internet out of his life for a few months to break his addiction, but I'm not sure it would help.
Now he watches 50+ hours of TV a week. Worst mistake my mother ever made getting cable/satellite television. He's a freaking junkie. Literally can't live without it. He would rather sit there day after day and night after night in front of his god. Never romanced or treated my mother like the treasure she was. The TV is more important than she is. Has almost no emotional connection to anything except getting angry while watching the evening news or literally yelling at a game on television. It's pathetic. I don't know whether to pity him or get angry. I'm actually surprised my mom didn't divorce him after I got out of school. Honestly, I can't understand what drives men to find emotional connection through vicarious technological mediums but refuse to be open and honest with the people around them. You know, actually try to 'love' your neighbor so to speak. Men are scared spitless to be emotionally available. It's not weakness. It's strength and it draws people. My old martial arts instructor who just passed was a classic example of a guy who was a bad-a** but also was willing to sit down and let you talk about what was troubling you. Men...it's okay to be open, to speak your frustrations and listen to others. I've tried to do both so I won't be like my dad: be open and listen.
My dad was a veteran, and although I am against people signing up to join the military to go fight wars for and in other countries (rich people's kids almost never do that), I respect his bravery to go that route, but I think he really joined the army just to get away from home. But I think some of what he saw he buried and won't talk about it, even though it would help him to get it out. I think he hated where he grew up and hated his family. I don't think he loved his own father. I think he feared him. I don't mean be afraid of getting beaten or yelled at. I think he was just afraid and since his dad was in his mid 40's when my father was born, it was more like a grandparent-son relationship than a father-son relationship. So I can understand he carried his own baggage into life from his childhood scars. But I never saw any attempt from him to be better (or at least try). I do know that he was basically ignored as a kid except when his family needed him to work on the farm (he grew up on a small farm of about 65 acres) and he did the same with me. To this day he will spend absolutely no time with me or show no interest in my life EXCEPT when he wants my help to do something he wants. Lately I've been putting my foot down and NOT doing that unless it's an emergency. Sorry. Not going to take that soft abuse of my remaining physical ability. Cut the TV off and do it yourself!
So I feel for all of you out there. Some issues just will never get resolved. I've tried several times through the decades to converse, but some people are just closed books. And, when you try to connect with an emotionally wounded or damaged individual, you better be ready for the fallout - you'll get threatened (my father assaulted me three times...each time I could have had him arrested), you'll get blackmailed, you'll get yelled and screamed at, accused of things that aren't true, etc. They will never allow themselves to be open and vulnerable because they think it makes them look weak. I think a lot of them feel shame over those weaknesses or hurts and just hide behind their pathetic 'armor' or Dunning-Krueger mentality.
Dad married an 18 year old when I was 18. Although I was polite to her, I didn’t approve. Despite his being a deca-millionaire, he didn’t approve of my reaction and loyalty towards Mom so I was cut-off. College was tough as aid goes off your parent’s income. He never saw my school (I didn’t really want to go there but the academic scholarship was the key here). He never knew my major or about my NSF grant for my Ph.D in economics. Mutual friends (his lawyer) told me he hated my education and hated even more when I bought 5 homes around the US without debt. He thought I was doing this I to spite him although I hadn’t seen him for decades.
He never saw his grandkids and I was glad since he was abusive.
I am glad that he showed no interest in me as it would have caused me a lot of pain. Since he is well-off, he paid for his high end nursing home, not me. It would have been hell nursing him.
I am not Christian or Jewish, but I am aware of the commandment to “Honor thy Father.” I was a not good son and I went to therapy and tried to figure out a way to deal with the notion that I was taking the easy way out. They therapists thought I wasn’t, but one thought if I was truly well adjusted I could just deal with his narcissism, but I never got to that point. I had my kids to protect.
He died and I missed the funeral as I only heard about it several weeks later from the lawyer for the estate who called and wanted to know if I planned on suing the estate since my brother and I were out of the will and common law in my Dad’s state of residence allows these lawsuits. I told the lawyer that I didn’t want the blood money. He was shocked.
Although I had to deal with minor grief, the whole scenario makes me feel bad for the posters and my friends who have lost a beloved parent. It must really hurt and the grieving process must be tough and lengthy.
By the way, the hardest part for me when I left home was that since I was poor, I felt like a country mouse around the rich frat kids. I learned the hard way about how wrong it is to judge people on surface issues like race, income, social status, etc. A few of the frat kids took me in and would invite me to holidays (Mom was an alcoholic), feed me, and make me feel at home. I didn’t plan it out this way, but my Dad did me a huge favor by helping me learn this lesson. I already was breaking one Commandment and I didn’t need “Thou shall not covet” on my list.
My dad is very supportive. Calls almost daily to check in with me and the family and my siblings. He's very involved in our lives, even travels out here often to see us. Helps us move across the country, build and fix our homes and cars. Plays sports with me and the kids. He's great. My mom is the opposite but a loving mother. She just seems very tired and low energy. She raised us all while my dad did all the things he wanted and worked. She just retired as a teacher to special ed and behavioral kids. I think she's just worn out and needs to get life back into her.
Real late in replying to this, but here is a portion of my experience:
My own father is one of the classic examples of hypocrites I've ever known in life (and that's even after dealing with my own hypocrisy in some areas of life). He was also passive-reactive or passive-aggressive, whichever is in vogue these days. Never showed any interest in me at all growing up, whether emotionally or relationally or vocationally (never talked about the opposite gender, maturity, help me find what I was good at, etc). . .unless I did something wrong or he just didn't like, then it was hell to pay, constant criticism, telling me I would be a failure in life, etc. And even if I was innocent, he sometimes still punished me until he found out I was innocent, then wouldn't apologize except to save face in front of others who might have known he blew it.
Despite all his lectures and criticisms about hard work, money, blah, blah, blah, it dawned on me later in life that it was my mother who held a steady job for nearly 35 years and actually made most of the income, paid the mortgage, had insurance, kept clothes on me, fed me, etc. I realize now that my dad couldn't have lived the half-ass bum lifestyle he has all these years without my mom's integrity and steadiness and paycheck. If there are any good qualities in me, I give credit to my mother. She's a real trooper, real organized, real generous, sets goals and makes a plan to achieve the goals, practices little disciplines through the day. My dad has no such abilities. He just sits around and gripes about stuff when it falls apart...even though it's falling apart because he didn't want to deal with it or didn't have a plan in place to maintain it. My dad kind of just did whatever work he could find because I think he had political ambitions to be like a congressman or senator or governor. It was never going to happen (and thank God my dad never got into one of those offices because he can't even find his keys or balance a basic checkbook, let alone have the skill set to handle an office like that) and I think deep down he's bitter over it, though he would deflect that comment and make excuses.
It's the same with sports, which is where a lot of men hide. He would have never been a good athlete or coach, but I think like a lot of Dunning-Krueger types, he believes he would have despite all evidence to the contrary (mainly he wouldn't have been good because he has no internal discipline). I've never seen or heard anyone else who thinks they know every call of the basketball game (always a foul, always...) or football game or how he would coach them to do A instead of the B they were doing and surely they would've won. Guy's a real textbook closet narcissist (honestly, I don't think he really knows he's a narcissist but anyone around him in real life for a while will see it). I was an okay runner in high school. I made all-state a few times, got a small college scholarship. He very seldom came out for any of the small, local meets. Would show up for major championships, then lecture me if he thought I sandbagged or didn't place high enough. Once I got injured during a warmup and he acted like I was making excuses not to race. Sheesh. Knew nothing, and still knows nothing. But he hides in sports. I personally would like to cut all sports television/internet out of his life for a few months to break his addiction, but I'm not sure it would help.
Now he watches 50+ hours of TV a week. Worst mistake my mother ever made getting cable/satellite television. He's a freaking junkie. Literally can't live without it. He would rather sit there day after day and night after night in front of his god. Never romanced or treated my mother like the treasure she was. The TV is more important than she is. Has almost no emotional connection to anything except getting angry while watching the evening news or literally yelling at a game on television. It's pathetic. I don't know whether to pity him or get angry. I'm actually surprised my mom didn't divorce him after I got out of school. Honestly, I can't understand what drives men to find emotional connection through vicarious technological mediums but refuse to be open and honest with the people around them. You know, actually try to 'love' your neighbor so to speak. Men are scared spitless to be emotionally available. It's not weakness. It's strength and it draws people. My old martial arts instructor who just passed was a classic example of a guy who was a bad-a** but also was willing to sit down and let you talk about what was troubling you. Men...it's okay to be open, to speak your frustrations and listen to others. I've tried to do both so I won't be like my dad: be open and listen.
My dad was a veteran, and although I am against people signing up to join the military to go fight wars for and in other countries (rich people's kids almost never do that), I respect his bravery to go that route, but I think he really joined the army just to get away from home. But I think some of what he saw he buried and won't talk about it, even though it would help him to get it out. I think he hated where he grew up and hated his family. I don't think he loved his own father. I think he feared him. I don't mean be afraid of getting beaten or yelled at. I think he was just afraid and since his dad was in his mid 40's when my father was born, it was more like a grandparent-son relationship than a father-son relationship. So I can understand he carried his own baggage into life from his childhood scars. But I never saw any attempt from him to be better (or at least try). I do know that he was basically ignored as a kid except when his family needed him to work on the farm (he grew up on a small farm of about 65 acres) and he did the same with me. To this day he will spend absolutely no time with me or show no interest in my life EXCEPT when he wants my help to do something he wants. Lately I've been putting my foot down and NOT doing that unless it's an emergency. Sorry. Not going to take that soft abuse of my remaining physical ability. Cut the TV off and do it yourself!
So I feel for all of you out there. Some issues just will never get resolved. I've tried several times through the decades to converse, but some people are just closed books. And, when you try to connect with an emotionally wounded or damaged individual, you better be ready for the fallout - you'll get threatened (my father assaulted me three times...each time I could have had him arrested), you'll get blackmailed, you'll get yelled and screamed at, accused of things that aren't true, etc. They will never allow themselves to be open and vulnerable because they think it makes them look weak. I think a lot of them feel shame over those weaknesses or hurts and just hide behind their pathetic 'armor' or Dunning-Krueger mentality.
Man that is a long message. It is 100% true that no one else can really comment fully on your life. But from my vantage point, you sound bitter. Life is too short for that. I’m sorry that your father let you down. It sounds like he struggled a lot too. Perhaps you can let go of that and live your life.
”Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”“ John 6:28-29 NIV
”Then they asked him, “What must we do to do the works God requires?” Jesus answered, “The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent.”“ John 6:28-29 NIV
Weak as he was, at least my father knew this was utter, complete, abject bull$h!t.
I am aware of the commandment to “Honor thy Father.”
That gets misinterpreted.
"honor thy father" doesn't mean "do everything your father says" especially as an adult. you gotta look out for yourself, obviously.
It just means, "don't cause your parents any problems." i.e., a teenage boy who drinks, smokes, skips school is not "honoring thy father." However, that doesn't mean you jump when your father says "jump" in your adult life.
FYI, the Bible also says, "Fathers, don't frustrate your children." Ephesians 6:4 (you can google it). So, it's a two-way street.
"Parents, do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction."
My father-in-law has regular contact with his kids but very superficial. He worked as a PhD physicist at a national lab but really underperformed due to inability to work well with colleagues. He's jealous of his kids that have better careers so he doesn't want to know much about their lives on. I describe him as cordial with a defective personality.
My husband has two parents like this. They're totally self obsessed and they have only ever once watched him compete - and that was only because his mom had bought a new camera and "wanted to try it out" (needless to say, she never showed him the photos).
Terrible people, completely obsessed with buying expensive consumer items and going on cruises or exptic holidays twice per year. Which they have afforded through inheritance and trading their house to an equity release corporation. The father stopped working at 50 and both had blue collar jobs. Now they are stuck in a 6 bedroom house they're not allowed to sell that they can't afford to maintain and they want him i.e.us to pay for it's roof repairs. Only a few years ago they tried to get their family to pay for their holiday to walk part of the Great Wall of China by sending us an email demand for 1000 as "sponsorship". He gave them 250 and they complained he was being mean.
That is not happening. I feel so sorry for my husband when he dutifully trots off to one of their attention seeking demands. They show no interest in his life and never ask him any questions about it. I've made it clear that he will not be financially supporting them when they've wasted so much money as it's my money too.
sorry to bust your bubble but my dad left me and my brother for some chick ,and didn't tell us he was leaving engorged us for 2 yrs (i was 8 years old) before that he never tried to talk or visit he never wanted me never has. Oh and he pops in and out of my life as he pleases so every time i see him he makes excuses and tries to blame it on my mom (even thought she has tried 100es of times to talk to him) so yeah thanks i won't be expecting him any time soon.
My father was not a bad person, but no, he doesn't generally seem very interested in my life. He put food on the table, was faithful to my mom, and sacrificed a lot for us kids. He did some pretty screwed up s*** to me that ended up putting walls between us, like all dads, I guess? End of the day, he's just a human who thinks his sh*t don't stink. He's one of the most myopically close-minded people I've ever known in my 40 years alive. I'm continually dumbfounded by some of the things he says with utmost confidence. He's your typical conservative Christian boomer who expected to fully dictate every aspect of my life to me, including what my hobbies were, the clothes I wore, and where I went to college. He ruined my education by manipulating me out of a full-ride scholarship I won, though, and I started drinking because of the things he did and said to me that made me fully convinced he hated me.
All four of my adult siblings still live under his thumb. I'm far, far away from them all.
I like to think I'm an alcoholic because of him.
This post was edited 14 minutes after it was posted.
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