Am I an idiot? Just broke up with my hot, fast (16:30 5k), cool, fun GF who loves me

I didn't read this whole thread. Just the OP's 1st post. Kid, you went with your gut. Good for you. Your gut is ALWAYS right. Had you stayed with or married this girl, your gut would have only spoken up louder and louder as time passed. Until it became a deafeningly loud voice. You felt like something was missing? Don't question that feeling. That feeling is never wrong. Good luck.

if you can land someone that great then think who you could snag when you don't limit yourself to runners or even athletes.

A few years back, some guy wrote a book directed towards women called something like "He's just not THAT into you." And then they made a bad movie out of it. However, the guy has a point. He was trying to tell women to stop wasting their time trying to win over a guy who is not THAT into them. Women have a way of talking themselves into staying with men, of holding onto any small scrap of proof that he's into them. And they ignore all of the evidence that he isn't into them.

OP, you're into her, you're just not THAT into her. It's like drawing a line, and you can be on one side or another -- picking the wrong side can have lifelong implications. Both of you deserve to be REALLY into your partner, and to have a partner who is REALLY into you. This needs to be equal, or you are setting up a terrible dynamic of one person being distant/indifferent, and one person trying to "make" the other love him/her. It's a very sad combination.

Another point -- every guy who I have met who cheats on his wife has said that he married her because (choose one or more):

1. He felt like he had to.

2. He didn't want to hurt her.

3. It seemed like the next logical step.

4. He had been with her for 4/5/6/7 years.

5. He was getting too old to start all over.

6. He was pressured by her/family/friends.

7. He didn't want anyone else to have her.

8. He thought it would get better.

9. He thought he would grow to love her.

10. It seemed easier than breaking up, now they they were living together.

11. He figured they would make it work.

I'm definitely not saying you would cheat, because you have said you're not like that. But you could end up marrying someone who you're not THAT into in several years. Then you have children because it's what you're supposed to do next. And one day, you look into your children's eyes, and you know that you're not THAT into their mother. Sad.

Some good advice I've heard: Make sure you love her/him, not just the *idea* of her/him. And vice versa.

In other words, while your relationship looks great from the outside, all that matters is whether you really love each other.

Holy shit, where do I start... Sorry if my replies are short, this thing is blowing up and I'm swamped at work (probably shouldn't even be on here, but F it).

oldmarriedguy - Thanks. I do need to define the spark, which is hard to do with such an intangible thing such as feelings.

I think there is a general agreement with the people that think "I'm not an idiot" here that while everything looks good on paper, that's not enough.

DocLove - I think I understand your 1st post. If so, I agree with ya.

You're second post @ Yupppp I agree with as well. Most people do end up marrying whoever they are dating at 30.

Yupppp - I'd be interested to know how old you are. Why shouldn't I think long-term? Yea, I didn't think long-term at the beginning of our relationship, b/c it wasn't serious yet. But now I've been in this relationship for 1.5 years, it's serious, and 25(almost 26). 30 is just around the corner. and just going with "whatever works," i dunno about that.

Matlock - I'm not going to get in a relationship purely for sex. Thus, I'm not going to think of a relationship as sex-based. I don't agree .... Also, she does want to carry out our relationship for a while. I am confident in that.

girl whose not a troll - I plan to post an "after talk" update. don't worry.

sam the sleazebag - I agree, pushing fwd will only make it harder in the long run. Thanks for your kind words about my game. Haha

J.R. - I would agree with the majority of the items you listed that attract you to the opposite sex.

Dick Widecock - Your posting-name doesn't do you justice for your brillant piece of advice. I will be asking myself all those difficult questions the rest of the afternoon. I have some serious thinking to do.

dddsssffdsdf - word

Another Option - It's funny you bring up a movie/book as at the beginning of this thread several posters brought up the idea that people these days have a skewed view of love b/c of hollywood. With that being said, you talked about a movie that is the opposite type of movie we were discussing. One that gives women a glimse of what normal/real men think and feel. I have not seen the movie, however, it sounds alright.

I think you have a good point about reason's cheating men got married in the first place. I don't want to be part of that cheating population!

txRUNNERgirl - first time someone put it like that. maybe i love the idea of her/us.

I will post and updated count soon.

Run2b... wrote:

Yupppp - I'd be interested to know how old you are. Why shouldn't I think long-term? Yea, I didn't think long-term at the beginning of our relationship, b/c it wasn't serious yet. But now I've been in this relationship for 1.5 years, it's serious, and 25(almost 26). 30 is just around the corner. and just going with "whatever works," i dunno about that.

.

I'm 45, i got married at 26 to a beautiful 24 year old who (as txrunnergirl correctly said) i was in love with the idea of her. We got divorced after 10 years of a shitty marriage. I'm not bitter though, we produced two great kids. In any event, i am now wise from life experience. I have dated many women since i got divorced, all much younger than me and all were great. Here are two more snippets of wisdom for you.

(1) People are not fully developed until their mid-30s. Therefore i guarantee that you and your gf will evolve over the next 10 years and the chances that you will be on the same page are almost nil. Not worth the chance. I know what i am talking about. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but why risk it?

(2) Do not marry a woman who is close to your age. That is dumb. My current gf is 31. When you are 45, do you want to be banging a 44 year old or a 31 year old? What? Hello? Seriously. I just saw my ex-wife last week and i had a fright. She's not fat but her face has aged. And i am a runner so i look great (!). Seriously though, things have reversed. When we were married, she was the hot one. Now i am!

Again, enjoy your 20s. Stop being so serious. You are f***ing kid. Chill out. Enjoy the field. When you hit 30, start dating women in their early 20s. The "half plus 7 rule" is your friend.

Your big mistake was moving in with the girl and barely knowing her.

When he turns 30, he's going to realize that all the good ones are married and taken. Sure he can try to date 21-25 year old women but they will look at him as old and would not want to settled down with him. Years will pass and before he knows he's 37-38, single and still looking for the "one" while everybody is married with kids. Then he would have to settle with a woman with a lot of emotional baggage and a kid by another dude!

trysure wrote:

When he turns 30, he's going to realize that all the good ones are married and taken.

And when he turns 40, he's going to realize all the good ones are getting divorced. Get over the age thing. If you love someone, you'll take their baggage. The people who end up single and miserable are the ones too stuck on their expectations to accept love. You can't control the other person or your future together, so do what feels right to you.

Dick Widecock wrote:

Which leaves me with this: You *must* find out, for yourself and for her, *what*, exactly, is missing. Ask yourself that question. And then answer it. And don't bullshit. If you can't do that, then you are probably f***ing this up, or at the very least making an iffy decision. Ask yourself tough questions. Then answer them. That's the way forward in a relationship. 'I don't know' isn't going to get you far in this situation, even though it's probably the easiest way out.

This is interesting to me, because I don't think that lack of interest is always clearly definable. Any two really wonderful people can fail to fall in love. Maybe it's not one fatal flaw and not anyone's fault, but just a combination of their personalities not meshing.

I dated a guy who had all the qualities that I wanted on paper. He was smart, athletic, liked to travel, adventurous, kind and considerate, good in bed. I really don't know exactly what was missing. It wasn't one distinct thing. And I did feel after we'd broken up like maybe I should give it another try because he was such a great guy, surely there should be a way that I'll end up loving him.

But now, five years later, I don't regret not being with him. Even if I can't define the exact reason, I was missing out on really feeling happiness in the relationship, and the only thing to do was to keep dating people, because I knew that it was possible to find someone who I was really happy to be with.

txRUNNERgirl wrote:

And when he turns 40, he's going to realize all the good ones are getting divorced.

So, wait till you're 40, and then get a good one? :)

Chick,

I understand what you are saying, and you're not wrong. But there is always a reason - or reasons - a relationship doesn't work. Always. You might not understand the reason or reasons, or be able to identify it or them immediately, but the reason or reasons is/are always there.

My bet is you realize with perfect clarity later in your life why your relationship with the guy you described ended. And it's like you said, maybe you don't ever regret it. But maybe one day you do. This, I think, is the old 20/20 hindsight thing.

And that's precisely why the OP needs to try to figure out *right now* what might be holding his relationship back. Like you said, at the present time the answer may be impossible to find. But he must, for his sake and for hers, at least attempt to find it.

Worst case scenario is you realize years later you ended up chasing something that was right in front of you all along.

I'm female, married 12 years -

Yes, I think you are an idiot, but I still think you should stay broken up with her. She deserves better than a wishy-washy guy still hung up on his EX. That's right, I think you are comparing her to your EX and how your EX made you feel and how you once thought she was "the one." So, that's why you are an idiot. THE one is the one that wants to be with you as she does you. The ex wasn't anything close to "the one" or else you'd still be together. You might be one of those guys that only really wants what he can't have.

You are also thinking waaaaay too much. As mentioned I've been married 12 years and I think the best, longest lasting relationships are the ones that the couple "likes hanging out" together, finds each other funny, aren't embarrassed by each other, etc. It IS that simple.

I don't think you're an idiot, I think you're brave.

I think you are doing the right thing - if something in your heart is telling you something is missing, I think that will just be magnified later down the road. Stay strong - it's better for you, and for her, in the long run.

I'm in a very similar situation with my girlfriend, she is beautiful, athletic, very intelligent and mature. I am 22 and she is 20. She is madly in love with me, I thought I felt the same but for some reason I always had an underlying feeling that she wasn't the one. I truly wish she was but for some reason I never really felt the "spark". We definitely can have our differences, a lot can be her fault...and I have my own faults (focus on running and teammates). We are on a break right now initiated by me, and about three weeks into the break I hooked up (not sex) with another girl. I feel terrible about it but don't know the approach to take. I don't want to hurt the girl who I am on a break with but at the same time I feel like I am sharing similar feelings with the OP. I feel awful about hooking up with this girl, who is also athletic and very fast runner definitely less mature than my gf, but at the same time I don't know if I cheated. I wish I wouldnt have hooked up with her but I keep finding myself wanting to talk to her. I really wish this wasnt the case. Breaking up sucks and I want to work things out because she is so sweet, I just feel like I don't know the line between a fairy tale and what is real life. I feel like if you are in love you should truly never want to lose that person. We have been dating for 2 years now and maybe its just the way things get the longer you go on.

i sure hope she never gets on letsrun

This was me two months ago. You did the right thing. You're young and at this point, if you don't adore her after a year and a half and you've had one foot out the door for months, it's time to end it.

if you're asking, then you know you made a mistake.

Boobs?