You will never be a real incel. You have no autism, you have no negative canthal tilt, you have no deep seated emotional resentment. You are a well-adjusted man twisted by irony and memes into a crude mockery of a stone cold virgin.
All the “rejection” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back girls love you. Your parents are proud and happy for you, "Stacies” swoon over your masculine appearance behind closed doors.
Women are utterly smitten with you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed women to sniff out chads with incredible efficiency. Even incels who “pass” look strong and charismatic to a woman. Your deep voice and good sense of humor are a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to earn a little online incel clout, you'll get cancelled the second your DMs get leaked and everybody gets a glimpse of the e-girls thirsting over you. You will never be depressed. You wrench out a fake "tfw no gf" every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be miserable, but deep inside you feel the happiness creeping up like a weed, ready to bless you with unshakeable confidence.
Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll find a girlfriend, marry her, knock her up, and have seven healthy kids together. Your parents will praise you, happy but a little bit sentimental now that their little boy has finally grown up. They’ll spoil the kids with candies and toys, and every acquaintance for the rest of your life will know that you're a fakecel. Eventually you will pass on surrounded by your loved ones. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy is a family that misses you dearly.
This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.
Well I guess beneath your paragraphs of sarcasm lie some kind of incel jab towards me. I’m no spring chicken, so I’m not familiar with the youth internet lingo, but if I understand what you intend to indicate by calling me an incel, I would have to reject such a statement. Before my wife passed a couple years ago, we were together several years, and madly in love. We were best friends, completely trusted each other, and spent every aching hour together as if it was our last. I cannot even imagine ever pursuing another relationship after the love and joy I shared with my wife. She’s irreplaceable. The memories I have of her will last with me for the rest of my life. But I’m not very hip, so I can’t say for sure that I understand your attempt to insult me. It’s over my head.
What the darn-diddily-doodily did you just say about me, you little witcharooney? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class at Springfield Bible College, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret mission trips in Capital City, and I have over 300 confirmed baptisms. I am trained in the Old Testament and I’m the top converter in the entire church mission group. You are nothing to me but just another heathen. I will cast your sins out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Heaven, mark my diddily-iddilly words. You think you can get away with saying that blasphemy to me over the Internet? Think again, friendarino. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of evangelists across Springfield and your IP is being traced by God right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggorino. The storm that wipes out the diddily little thing you call your life of sin. You’re going to Church, kiddily-widdily. Jesus can be anywhere, anytime, and he can turn you to the Gospel in over infinity ways, and that’s just with his bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in preaching to nonbelievers, but I have access to the entire dang- diddily Bible collection of the Springfield Bible College and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your sins away off the face of the continent, you diddily-doo satan-worshipper. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you from the Heavens, maybe you would have held your darn-diddily-fundgearoo tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re clean of all your sins, you widdillo-skiddily neighborino. I will sing hymns of praise all over you and you will drown in the love of Christ. You’re farn-foodily- flank-fiddily reborn, kiddo-diddily.
Oh Dathan you silly, triggered jerk of a little man. Go back doping up your team
Dang, this post reminds me of a twitch streamer I used to watch whose streamroom had a ceiling mirror that she wasn't allowed to take down cause it was a rented apartment. Chat had so many inside jokes about it and I had made my share of "oh man that would be so hot for watching me cry and jerk off" type quips. I'm sad now cause now I have to relive the worst screwup of my life. I had been faithfully watching her for almost a year and she mostly played League and Hearthstone plus sandboxy fun games like Little Big Planet and Minecraft. Those games weren't really my cup of tea put her personality and sense of humor were so great that I didn't care.
She only had about 60 average viewers but we all adored her and there was a great sense of community among everyone. I was super excited that night cause it was her one year twitch anniversary and she invited us all to drink with her to celebrate. I woke up with a massive hangover still in
front of the computer and instantly went to her twitch page to check out the vod and was met with a "this account does not exist or has been deleted message." I'm not proud but my first thought was hoping that she had gotten a bit to flirty in her drunken state and maybe even flashed chat which led to a temporary ban from twitch, I then went to her twitter and her last tweet was "I'm sorry, I just can't even...I'm out." I started to replay the night back in my head and noticed one of my "hidden" folders was open and ohhh no..oh god no...
The night started out great, with many toasts to her subs and longtime lurkers but as she drank more she gradually got more and more morose and started to open up about her personal life. She said she loved streaming but she wanted to do this as a career and her parents had given her a year to prove it was viable until she needed to get a "real job" and her time was pretty much up and she was scared. She also talked about how she was undateable (very untrue!) and no man would ever want her. All she really wanted out of life other than making it as a streamer was to be a housewife and mother but she would probably screw that up too, fvck my life!! And she tilted the webcam away so we couldnt see her cry. I was drinking shots of whiskey to her swigs of champagne and was even drunker than her at this point, and typed "Actually you'd be an amazing mother!!!" And I then uploaded a shota gallery of her and me I had been working on for 6 months to imgur and being a longtime mod I was able to link it directly in chat.
I'm a cartoon storyboard artist by trade and had put more effort into this than my real job. In between the sex parts it was full of inside jokes from the stream including the ceiling mirror and the storyline was basically "me coming home from school and walking in on mom in the shower" which should be familiar to anyone familiar with the "genre." It even involved several personal aspects of her life I had discovered from a bit of internet detective work.
Seeing the look of horror dawn on her face as she scrolled in disbelief I immediately started apologizing but she ended the stream and I screamed fvck!!! and punched a hole in the wall and started chugging the whiskey in an effort to forget what I did and soon passed out.
It's been 3 months and she hasn't come back, the only saving grace is I deleted the gallery before passing out and nothing made it onto r/cringe or livestreamfails. If I'd just offered her kind words of support she probably would have ended up streaming on Saturdays and we might even have a budding relationship going on.
Given some of the stuff Ritz has been exposed to in the past, couldn’t he be OK with recommending Imodium?
You’d think managing diarrhea would be easy for a professional coach. If that’s considered a unique capability, then count me in as his replacement when he steps down.
I caught Ritz in a locker room once, he had a layer of latex stretched over his body and pack of magnums opened on the bench. He kept murmuring "condom with a skeleton on it" Needless to say it unnerved me and I left, freaky.
Are you confusing him with Adam Goucher?
Thanks to Runnersworld we know the condom skeleton comments didn't end there
Ritz kicked my dog one time on a public running path
This one time, in 2003 I think it was, I was doing a tempo run on the Boulder Creek Path with a training partner. Ritz rolled up behind us, said "what up, biotches?" while giving us BOTH the shocker and then turned and ran away as we looked at each other unsure of what just happened. When my buddy mentioned it to Wetmore, he just shook his head and said, "eye of the tiger."
I can’t remember but if you watch the video there’s a few times where he makes jokes about it, it seems funny at first but then he just keeps pressing the joke throughout the workout, I think it’s mainly toward the end where he even goes behind Farken and says “there’s no brown down there so you should be good” while laughing with the cameraman and even telling Farken the faster he’s done with the workout, the faster he can run to use the bathroom
I want to watch the video, but I just can’t bear to watch him humiliate and denigrate that poor hard working kid. Not after the way he treated me in front of my friends and my wife.
A pro training group with so many athletes but no toilet facility where they train? Wow. This Dathan fellow doesn't seem very bright. We need to create a Kickstarter campaign for them so they can purchase a porta potty on casters along with a pickup truck to haul it around.
To the person who is making Ritz out to be the bad guy for being rude to cancer survivors. I mean, he isn't the only one who is sick of hearing their sob stories. I think he is speaking for the majority of us when he told you to f off. Seriously, enough already. You survived cancer. Woopty-doo. How many pats on the back do you people want?
"Waaaaahhh, someone's getting attention that I think I deserve for simply existing."
I saw Dathan Ritzenhein at a grocery store in Boulder yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything. He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?” I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying. The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter. When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly
This is hilarious. Doubt it's true, but it's hilarious.
So, there I was, stuck in the middle of a massive earthquake. The ground shook so violently that entire buildings were crumbling around me. I’d been buried under rubble for three days, completely disoriented and covered in dust. I finally managed to crawl out from the wreckage, half-dead, barely clinging to life. As I staggered to my feet, I looked up—and there, standing amidst the chaos, was none other than Dathan Ritzenhein, just casually stretching like it was a normal day. I squinted at him and, with all the energy I had left, I said, “Hey, I’m a big fan!” figuring maybe he’d offer me a kind word or help me out. But nope—Dathan just glared at me, flipped me the middle finger, and then *stole my wallet* as I stood there stunned. Here I was, surviving a catastrophic disaster, and the first thing I get is a finger and my cash stolen by a marathoner. Typical Dathan.
Did anyone else watch the Yared Nuguse final workout before Grand Slam? At first Ritzenhein is making small jokes about Robert Farken holding in a number 2 and throughout the workout he just keeps making more jokes and Farken isn’t laughing… I understand a fun team environment and making jokes here and there but when Track All-Access is there recording it’s a bit odd…
No surprise here. Ritz has always been a jerk. I told him good luck before the NYC marathon and he gave me the middle finger and yelled an expletive. I was warming up with my group. We were there to raise awareness for a fundraiser for individuals suffering from blood cancers such as Lymphoma and Leukemia. Most of us were cancer survivors, myself included and we wearing matching t-shirts. We were running our warm up and crossed paths going in the opposite direction. I just said, “good luck Ritz” and smiled and waved. I wasn’t loud or anything. You should have seen how mad he got. I could understand him being nervous, but good God.
My reaction was one of shock, confusion, sadness, and betrayal. I cried later. He was such a hero to me. It was like if Michael Jordan were to flip you the bird and swear at you after asking him for an autograph. That’s not a perfect analogy; I don’t think athletes owe autographs to fans or even necessarily owe them any time. But literally all I said was “good luck Ritz”. Even him ignoring me would have been better than what he did.
Over the years I’ve at times tried to give Dathan the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was really nervous before lining up, had a lot riding on the race, had his contract with Nike on the line, maybe he was injured, personal problems, bad day, anything. However, when I tell people the story, most of them think that what he did was absolutely inexcusable, no matter what his mood was like. My wife, who was with me during the incident (before we were married) was actually very upset. We both ,along with most of the group we were with, had all survived cancer. She hadn’t been in remission that long. Her hair had just started growing back. She wasn’t ready to run the race with us that day. She was there for support and to provide information to people about our fundraiser. She asked me multiple times, if she should reach out to Nike and Dathan’s agent and explain what happened and demand an apology. I turned the offer down, because an apology wouldn’t change how I felt that day anyway. Unfortunately like with the OP who started this thread, other posters on Letsrun, and other runners I’ve met over the years; it seems that a lot of people think that Ritz is rude, selfish, and inconsiderate. I do admit that most of what I’ve heard does not come close to how he treated me that day, which is why it’s my sincere hope that that incident was just a one off due to pressure or stress he may have been feeling. I’d hate to think he regularly treats fans and the people around him that badly.
if this is true i think the fact that you are still letting it bother you 10 years later says a lot more about you than what it says about ritz
My reaction was one of shock, confusion, sadness, and betrayal. I cried later. He was such a hero to me. It was like if Michael Jordan were to flip you the bird and swear at you after asking him for an autograph. That’s not a perfect analogy; I don’t think athletes owe autographs to fans or even necessarily owe them any time. But literally all I said was “good luck Ritz”. Even him ignoring me would have been better than what he did.
Over the years I’ve at times tried to give Dathan the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was really nervous before lining up, had a lot riding on the race, had his contract with Nike on the line, maybe he was injured, personal problems, bad day, anything. However, when I tell people the story, most of them think that what he did was absolutely inexcusable, no matter what his mood was like. My wife, who was with me during the incident (before we were married) was actually very upset. We both ,along with most of the group we were with, had all survived cancer. She hadn’t been in remission that long. Her hair had just started growing back. She wasn’t ready to run the race with us that day. She was there for support and to provide information to people about our fundraiser. She asked me multiple times, if she should reach out to Nike and Dathan’s agent and explain what happened and demand an apology. I turned the offer down, because an apology wouldn’t change how I felt that day anyway. Unfortunately like with the OP who started this thread, other posters on Letsrun, and other runners I’ve met over the years; it seems that a lot of people think that Ritz is rude, selfish, and inconsiderate. I do admit that most of what I’ve heard does not come close to how he treated me that day, which is why it’s my sincere hope that that incident was just a one off due to pressure or stress he may have been feeling. I’d hate to think he regularly treats fans and the people around him that badly.
if this is true i think the fact that you are still letting it bother you 10 years later says a lot more about you than what it says about ritz
I made the whole thing up to troll everyone. I have never been to New York and I’ve never been married.
It's been debated for a long time and must have been bad enough for Farken to move to Boulder. Also, as a fellow German I can only say that Ritz's way of talking about someone's bowel movements like that in front of others is considered quite crass and impolite. Not surprising that Farken didn't seem too amused.
It's been debated for a long time and must have been bad enough for Farken to move to Boulder. Also, as a fellow German I can only say that Ritz's way of talking about someone's bowel movements like that in front of others is considered quite crass and impolite. Not surprising that Farken didn't seem too amused.
I was shocked recently to find out that Ritz is only 42. I seriously thought he was in his mid 50's.