Wife desires to relocate. I really don't. What would you do?

I started out going to school in a very rural district, then I transferred to a good suburban district. In high school some of the kids from the world district came to our urban district. All of them were significantly behind me at that point, and never caught up It is possible that they would’ve been behind me no matter what, but I didn’t see any way that I could have learned as much as I did without moving.

gina2011 wrote:

Pick a location in the middle and you both can have a 40ish minute commute. That is doable.

Your son is 6. He will make other friends. Move at the end of a school year and he’ll transition fine into the next grade with new friends/classmates in the fall.

I vote this one. Go to the middle, she wants to move you don't so she should have the slightly longer commute. Your son will be fine, young enough he won't hardly remember that stage of life before now and moving won't have an impact on his future.

Usually the misogyny is a bit more subtle than this although clearly prevalent.

Dual Income / With Kid wrote:

highhoppingworm wrote:

Post more data. Current salaries, prospective salaries, how much cheaper is COL, school quality etc. hard to have an opinion based on what you provided.

My salary: $135K and will be moving to $165K beginning in March.

Her salary: $125K. It will be $170K in late 2023 when the regional VP leaves. But she keep the $125K until 2023.

Cost of living (just calculated it): 35% cheaper in her hometown.

Current School: #1 Catholic School in the state, best All-Boys school in the state, A+ through Niche.com

New School: B- through Niche.com, otherwise it's unranked in all categories.

Your wife wants to move on the promise of a promotion? Or is she guaranteed this promotion?

Since this seems to be the primary driver I would sort this out first.

If I am her employer why do I give her the promotion if she already moved?

Everyone seems to be advising you to take the bullet but I would look further into why your wife truly wants to move.

Adults wanting to move back to their hometowns often means they are reaching for some sort of magic bullet to find past happiness....

Additionally, Rural can mean many things.

BTW - single gender schools are weird AF.

i'm glad others have pointed how foolish OP/wife are for putting this much faith in a promotion that is over a year away. how do you work 15 years in corporate america and end up this naive? companies don't give a sh.t about you and they will give that promotion to someone else in a heartbeat if it serves their interests.

Any more kids likely? If so, that adds weight to moving towards supportive grandparents who can help with childcare.

I had a similar issue - wife worked in one city, I worked in another and we lived in the middle. It worked great until kids came along. Because we lived in the middle for work, we didn't have as much of a social circle or support network so it was harder for childcare. We chose to move closer to my wife's parents and don't regret it.

busybusy wrote:

Any more kids likely? If so, that adds weight to moving towards supportive grandparents who can help with childcare.

I had a similar issue - wife worked in one city, I worked in another and we lived in the middle. It worked great until kids came along. Because we lived in the middle for work, we didn't have as much of a social circle or support network so it was harder for childcare. We chose to move closer to my wife's parents and don't regret it.

I'll wager a strong no on this one. Wife seems like the one and done type. Gotta get back to that corporate job!

My wife watches Hallmark movies and it never ends well for the current husband when the executive woman moves back to her quaint hometown in the country. She inevitably falls back in love with her high school crush who runs a Christmas store and they kiss in a gazebo in the Town Square (so you have a little less than a year). And then SEE YA to the current husband/boyfriend.

Also - what's the running situation in the hometown? Good races, maybe some trails nearby? That's a key factor in deciding whether or not to move. (This IS a running site, after all - right?!)

Laughing at all of the knuckle-draggers who settled and think it's absurd for a wife to work.

Right now money is not the issue. You two make enough to live whatever reasonable lifestyle you want. The issue is her career passion....but thing is she can pursue her passion through another job, so why stay with the same company? She can even pick another city you can both live with. Her job can't be that specialized that she can't find something similar at another company, somewhere in the world.

Basically it sounds like a career version of "I want to move to Flagstaff to run". Well, you can run anywhere so she needs to stop being picky especially with a kid. Again, you guys aren't hurting for money so it's purely just her dream lifestyle vs yours except she's being too short sighted to realize there are many other options to pursue her dream.

Worst case scenario you just let her do her thing and she can come back to town and hang out on the weekends. Or you find a remote job.

I like your idea of her getting an apartment and coming home on the weekends. FYI. I drive 105 mile round trip to and from work each day. Driving 90 miles each way twice a week is not that big of a deal. I would really try and convince her of the upside to this. Maybe over time her new job will allow to work remote and she can move back to live with you and your son. Best of luck to you.

Jumping in here late. My son's work commute is 45 minutes every day, each way. My younger daughter's is also 45 minutes, on average. She used to work in Sunnyvale CA and she worked there with people who lived in Sacramento! They took the train every day, several hours each way. I think moving somewhere in between and keeping your son in his current school is the best solution. Since it's a Catholic school, you don't have to live "in district" like you would with a public school. You'll be going that way anyway, right? And a longer commute will provide great opportunities for quiet dad-son conversations as he grows up. Don't underestimate the value of that.

1. I can't stand her hometown. I lived there once and I don't want to move back. She is very passionate about getting this job.-

My question is how does she feel about her home town? Does she love it? When you left were there a ideas of eventually returning down the road? Does she have family she also wants to be near?

2. If we up and relocate, I will have to give up my job and be forced to look in her hometown with not a lot of options for employment. This would involve me working a job I probably won't like and taking up to a $40K pay cut. Cost of living is cheaper, however. I've considered remote work for my role, however those remote roles are tough to come by and are usually the first to get cut if a company needs to slash the budget.

You are making a lot of assumptions about a new job you don't even have here. Also, many companies are offering remote work and it is not that hard to come by. This is a fantastic market to find a new job. There is a labor shortage in nearly every industry with the great resignation. What type of role are you in?

3. I just got promoted at work. Things are looking good for me at my job.

Do you enjoy your job? Are you as passionate about it as she is hers? Sometimes you need to make a decision as a couple. I've supported my husband and sacrificed my career potential at times when it made sense for our family as a whole unit. Look at this like a team effort. What is best for your family as a whole? This will ebb and flow.

4. If we relocate, we will move our 6-year old son out his current school and away from his friends and our social group. This school (and school district) has been rated the best in entire state for 5 consecutive years. The public schools in her hometown are so-so.

This shouldn't be a factor. This is a minor issue for a 6 year old. Also, look at the benefits if you will be closer to family. Time with grandparents, cousins, can be rewarding.

It's been said multiple times but I'll chime in to add another vote to these points:

- Your son will make friends, don't worry about that

- Your family's total comp won't change that much so you shouldn't move for the money

- To me it entirely comes down to (1) can you tolerate living in her hometown? (2) can she tolerate NOT living in her hometown (3) how important are your jobs & salaries to both of your self worths?

No one would should move to where they will be unhappy, and conversely no one would stay where they are unhappy. So you two really need to work out items 1 and 2 and figure out a compromise that doesn't end with one of you being bitter and friendless. Happy wife equals happy wife, sure. But a marriage and family doesn't work with an unhappy husband either, and yes men are entitled to their feelings. You can be unhappy, you're allowed.

And then item 3 may sound silly because we say that no one should base their happiness or self worth on their job or salary, but it does happen, and it can happen without you wanting it to. This one maybe could be addressed with therapy, but it does need to be addressed, because again the marriage & family doesn't work if one person's source of self worth is being undercut.

As usual in a marriage your family unit will be do best if you two can discuss it rationally, give it some time, and come to a compromise where both parties feel their needs were part of the decision.

Understood. I just want the best for our only child. This might be the crazy parent in me in regards to schools. I addition, we are not that far from her family as it is and see them almost twice a month. I'm nowhere near my family. They are 10 hours away by car.

I also want to add that the VP job for her is NOT entirely a sure thing. She has to relocate, work in the HQ and prove herself. It may not happen, but she feels it will. That's another thing that is not selling me on moving. I want that offer in hand and signed before we commit to any sort of move. She would feel the same way about me relocating for a job.

Your son is in Catholic school. Are you Catholic?

Dude there is no promotion for your wife. The company is baiting her to uproot her family with the carrot of some bs future promotion cause they are struggling to get experienced staff for their rural head office. The top management know that once she moves they can drag out the promotion so slowly until it’s too difficult for you all to move back.

You absolutely should not move your family on a companies future promise when you’re not keen on moving.

TrackFan1979 wrote:

I like your idea of her getting an apartment and coming home on the weekends. FYI. I drive 105 mile round trip to and from work each day. Driving 90 miles each way twice a week is not that big of a deal. I would really try and convince her of the upside to this.

That would mean he is essentially a single parent for the school and work week. He would be solely responsible for getting the kid to school and picking them all, preparing meals, helping them with school projects and activities, arranging playdates, doctors appointments, etc. And she just comes home on the weekend to play with the child.

If if were me I would never agree to such an arrangement, except temporarily for a short time. It's not what I signed up for when my wife and I agreed to have and raise a child together. But if that works for the OP then I guess it's an option.

Dual Income / With Kid wrote:

Understood. I just want the best for our only child. This might be the crazy parent in me in regards to schools. I addition, we are not that far from her family as it is and see them almost twice a month. I'm nowhere near my family. They are 10 hours away by car.

I also want to add that the VP job for her is NOT entirely a sure thing. She has to relocate, work in the HQ and prove herself. It may not happen, but she feels it will. That's another thing that is not selling me on moving. I want that offer in hand and signed before we commit to any sort of move. She would feel the same way about me relocating for a job.

Dude WTF!

The VP promotion is confirmed as "not a sure thing".

It may not happen, but your wife "feels" it will.

Huge red flag. Do not trust this company to follow through on this.

And people wonder why women get the reputation for acting off emotion and feeling vs objective truth/hard facts.....

Classic example of what happens when you let women make the big decisions in a marriage....