STANDARDS OF PERSONALIZATION
A Play in Three Acts
After Václav Havel
CHARACTERS
DAVID ROCHE, a running coach
MEGAN ROCHE, MD, his wife and fellow coach
PETER PERSONALIZATION, an official from the Standardized Individuality Compliance Office (SICO)
HOVSTAD STRAVA, an investigative journalist
KUBIS KUBISOV, a moderate voice, self-appointed spokesperson for balance
THE COMPACT CROWD, a chorus of concerned citizens
THE COMPLIANCE INSPECTOR, an enforcer of personal uniqueness
ACT I
A modest office, filled with books on exercise physiology and endurance training. The walls display training graphs and race photos. A corkboard holds handwritten notes: “Consistency,” “Progression,” “Adaptation.” DAVID ROCHE types at his laptop, occasionally grinning at athlete messages. MEGAN reviews medical research nearby. Through the window, runners can be seen moving at various paces, all looking remarkably unbureaucratic.
(Enter PETER PERSONALIZATION, clutching a thick binder labeled “VIOLATIONS OF STANDARDIZED INDIVIDUALITY PROTOCOLS V.3.7 Rev. B.” He is followed closely by THE COMPACT CROWD, who march in perfect synchronization and stop in eerie unison.)
PETER: David, as per Section 7.3 of the Standardized Uniqueness Protocol, you are under investigation by SICO.
DAVID: (not looking up from his laptop) The what now?
PETER: The Standardized Individuality Compliance Office. We've received multiple reports that your so-called “coaching” includes patterns. Recurring themes. Shared principles. In other words—standardization disguised as personalization!
MEGAN:(calmly) Surely you’re not saying that training principles—ones based on science, mind you—should be entirely reinvented for every runner?
PETER: According to Form 27B-6 of the Non-Standard Standards Manual, a truly personal plan cannot contain elements that have been used before!
DAVID: But that’s nonsense. No one would insist that every person learn an entirely different version of mathematics.
PETER: Mathematics is exempt under Subsection 12.4 of the Guidelines for Implementing Individual Standardization. Running, however, falls under Category C: Activities Requiring Mandatory Non-Conformity to Conformity Standards.
DAVID: (mutters)Malleus Maleficarum was subtler than this.
PETER: What was that?
DAVID: Nothing.
(Enter HOVSTAD STRAVA, notebook in hand, followed by KUBIS KUBISOV.)
HOVSTAD: Per the Journalism Standards for Non-Standard Reporting, I come bearing testimony from The People!
KUBIS: (helpfully) As outlined in the, um… Standards for Individual Standards of Standard Individuals? No, wait…
PETER:(consulting another binder) We have evidence that you’ve used the phrase “Huzzah!” to encourage multiple athletes.
DAVID: (sighs) If an athlete does well, they get a “Huzzah!”
HOVSTAD: (gasps) Standardized enthusiasm! This goes deeper than we thought!
(THE COMPACT CROWD, still unnervingly synchronized, all gasp at precisely the same moment.)
THE COMPACT CROWD: (chanting in perfect unison) No template shall escape scrutiny! As per Section 4.2!
ACT II
A bureaucratic office, aggressively grey. Posters declare: “Uniqueness Is Mandatory” and “No Two Runners Shall Ever Be the Same (As Per Section 9.2).” A large clock ticks ominously, though it’s unclear if it’s keeping standard or individualized time.
PETER: According to the Standard Non-Standard Procedures for Individualizing Standardization Version 5.1, this tribunal will now commence.
THE COMPLIANCE INSPECTOR: (robotically) Please submit Form 88-B: Declaration of Intent to Be Unique.
DAVID: I don’t have that form.
INSPECTOR: Then you must complete Form 88-A: Request for Permission to Submit Form 88-B.
MEGAN:(to DAVID) Do you think any of them actually run?
PETER:(overhearing) Running must be properly documented via Form 89-C: Standard Application for Non-Standard Movement Patterns.
KUBIS:(shuffling papers) Perhaps if we consult the Individual Standards for Standardized… no, the Standardized Individuals for… (trails off in confusion)
(THE COMPACT CROWD, still eerily synchronized, suddenly hesitates for the first time. A flicker of confusion ripples through them. They exchange uncertain glances.)
THE COMPACT CROWD: (less confident now, their chant faltering) Standard… non-standard? Unique… conformity?
ACT III
The vast hall of judgment. Filing cabinets loom menacingly. A rubber stamp the size of a small car hangs overhead, ready to mark “REJECTED” on anything that moves.
PETER: In accordance with the Guidelines for Standardizing Non-Standard Individual Standards of Individualized Standardization as Applied to Standardized Non-Standard Running Programs Version 3.7.2.1 Rev. B—
INSPECTOR:(interrupting, correcting him) Rev. C.
(PETER looks momentarily thrown, then clears his throat and continues.)
DAVID:(interrupting) Do you even hear yourself anymore?
INSPECTOR: (robotically) Per Section 11.2 of the Protocol for Processing Non-Standard Interruptions of Standard Protocols, that interruption has been logged.
HOVSTAD:(frantically taking notes) Breaking: Coach Questions Standard Questioning Standards!
KUBIS:(attempting diplomacy) Perhaps we could find a moderate interpretation of the Standard Non-Standard… the Individual Standards of… (gives up)
PETER: We shall now conduct the final Personalization Test. Please complete the following phrase: “A runner should—”
DAVID: (thoughtfully) “A runner should train in a way that is structured, sustainable, and suited to their needs.”
(The INSPECTOR immediately consults a database.)
INSPECTOR: (after a beat, triumphantly) The phrase “A runner” appears in Section 7, Paragraph 4 of the Approved Terms for Discussing Bipedal Forward Movement.
PETER:(equally triumphant) Then you have failed to maintain appropriate uniqueness standards!
MEGAN: You people are ridiculous.
PETER: We are the guardians of uniqueness!
KUBIS:(standing up, looking at them all) And yet… you all sound the same.
(A stunned silence. THE COMPACT CROWD suddenly looks lost. Their unity shatters.)
THE COMPACT CROWD:(hesitant, murmuring out of sync for the first time) But… the standards…?
DAVID:(grinning) Might I suggest gavels?
[CURTAIN]
EPILOGUE
Outside the SICO building. A runner glances at their watch.
RUNNER: (to self) Huh. Time for my run.
(The runner shrugs and heads out for a completely normal training run, failing to file any of the requisite paperwork for Standard Non-Standard Movement Authorization.)
(Through the SICO office window, PETER can be seen frantically filling out Form 90-Z: Report of Unauthorized Natural Running Behavior. He suddenly gasps, clutches his chest as if witnessing a crime.)
PETER:(screaming after the runner, panicked) STOP! You haven’t completed Form 91-A: Acknowledgment of Unregulated Exertion!
(The runner, of course, does not stop.)
[FINAL CURTAIN]