Conundrum wrote:
The question that you asked a couple times which ostensibly is your purpose for the thread is, "Why am I so different from the rest of my family whose members are so dysfunctional?"
Do you think that there is an answer to that question? And, is that your purpose for your thread? You don't seem to be looking for advice and how to handle this situation. You said you don't want to vent. So what is you purpose.
Why not just answer the question instead of acting so ignorant.
White Sheep,
First of all, you should feel blessed or lucky or however you want to think about that. You have been given the goods while others in your family have not.
Second of all, it is no one's fault that you don't have anything in common with your family members. There is no need to pretend that you all have a relationship. Send birthday and Christmas cards (or texts if they have phones even) and call if someone becomes ill or is having a particularly difficult time, but that's probably all you want or need to do.
You become non-isolated by finding a spouse who is like you, but hanging out with people in your Ph.D. program who are more like you, etc.
If I were in your shoes, I would not feel obligated to spend time with them. You don't hate them. You just don't have a single thing in common. Be free to live your life, brother.
Conundrum wrote:
Pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:You don't know what an intimate relationship is. Judging by your posts, you think you know. But, you don't.
He's a young man that doesn't get it. For an intelligent guy that was a very sexist thing to write. Seriously, in some ways he sounds like his dad. Not open to other opinions, focused on work over relationships.
Correct. Acknowledging it would be crushing.
Instead, he re-wraps it into how successful he's going to be. "No time." and "I'm not like them."
pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:
Correct. Acknowledging it would be crushing.
Instead, he re-wraps it into how successful he's going to be. "No time." and "I'm not like them."
I wrote:
"The OP is not worrying about them. He's worrying about himself."
You wrote:
"Incorrect. I'm worrying about them as I feel obligated to help them in some way as people generally do with family members"
However, previously you wrote:
"I'm posting here not to vent but because I really am puzzled by the whole thing. I don't understand why I'm so different from everyone else in the family."
Two things:
First, no where in that original post did you say you want to find a way to help them, but you don't know how. It was all about how different you were, and dismissing any advice, but it was so bad.
Second, no where do you suggest your family wants help. Maybe they are happy with their lot. Some times you just need to accept people as they are. You can offer help or talk about alternatives, but it is up to them to grab it.
Truthfully, you will be better off if you just accept the fact. They are who they are. Accept it, and accept them. If you tell your brother to be quite when he is spouting off he is going to react. Just let him spout and realize that's about him. It's nothing to you. So don't make it about you, and it will die out. If your sister is fat, it's her choice. You don't need to help her unless she asks.
Good grief` Dense wrote:
Conundrum wrote:The question that you asked a couple times which ostensibly is your purpose for the thread is, "Why am I so different from the rest of my family whose members are so dysfunctional?"
Do you think that there is an answer to that question? And, is that your purpose for your thread? You don't seem to be looking for advice and how to handle this situation. You said you don't want to vent. So what is you purpose.
Why not just answer the question instead of acting so ignorant.
In an earlier post I did answer it to the best of my ability. I said IDK and people are born with different traits.
Meh. I would be more impressed if you visited at least 15 countries. 11? Child´s play. Come on, man.
Myself, I´ve been to five countries: USA, Hong Kong, Macau, France, and Texas. I feel like I´ve been to another country, but I can´t exactly remember. Never been to Canada or Mexico, but will get to at least Canada soon enough.
Conundrum wrote:
Pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:You don't know what an intimate relationship is. Judging by your posts, you think you know. But, you don't.
He's a young man that doesn't get it. For an intelligent guy that was a very sexist thing to write. Seriously, in some ways he sounds like his dad. Not open to other opinions, focused on work over relationships.
The last part of my post was unduly harsh and not up to my standards. I was rushed. Sorry.
I will say that many of us had experiences with family members that were either mentally ill, disabled or otherwise needy. Your assumption that others can not relate because they have been sheltered is really off the mark. That might have given me impetus to be a little harsher in my response too.
I spent about 12 years being the only local offspring with a parent slowly deteriorating due to serious cognitive decline. Its is a long story and she passed about three years ago but lets just say I couldn't discuss books and entertainment with her either but I did manage to talk and communicate with her, treated with dignity and never made her feel stupid. And she had a very severe mental illness resulting in loss of memory and thinking abilities. It was very painful and taxing to go through.
I am sure my story isn't isolated. Sadly its more common than you think.
large man wrote:
You should stop pointing out your differences and start finding things in common.
This is your Mother, Father and siblings. You only have one family.
This will be a huge regret in your life if you don't get over your self and find ways to enjoy them.
If you're unable to interact with people that are different than you (your family in the least), you will leave a very unhappy life.
This is the worst advice on this thread.
odd duck wrote:
I'm pretty much in the same situation with my family. They aren't successful, live under a rock, extremely opinionated and will not listen to others ideas. I did not get along with them and they didn't benefit my life in any positive way. So I stopped talking to them. They never really reached out to me in the past and when I stopped communicating with them they didn't bother to hold on to the relationship. Basically, I didn't need them and they didn't need me. I'm actually really happy I did it because it has allowed me to pursue my career and other friendships that they were hindering. Just because you're related to them doesn't mean you need to make them part of your life. That is a social stigma that many people are diligent to hold on to. They are just people. There are plenty of people you have met in life that you don't get along with or interact with anymore (think kids from elementary, middle, or even high school). Family is no different. At one point they were part of your life. Now they are just people you know. Let them go. It's for the best. You don't need them.
Now this is a good post.
Pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:
White Sheep wrote:[quote]blurt wrote: I'm worrying about them as I feel obligated to help them in some way as people generally do with family members.
You are worrying about people that aren't ever going to give back.
This will be an anchor unless you get some help learning how to make better emotional decisions.
Talking about them in contrast to you is not resolution.
Chances are good you will replicate the most toxic parts in intimate relationships.
A very bad post from Pop - you have no clue what life is about. You must be still in school
creeping wrote:
Pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:You are worrying about people that aren't ever going to give back.
This will be an anchor unless you get some help learning how to make better emotional decisions.
Talking about them in contrast to you is not resolution.
Chances are good you will replicate the most toxic parts in intimate relationships.
A very bad post from Pop - you have no clue what life is about. You must be still in school
Actually, I've been through the exact same thing.
Conundrum wrote:
Pop_pop!_v2.2.1 wrote:You don't know what an intimate relationship is. Judging by your posts, you think you know. But, you don't.
He's a young man that doesn't get it. For an intelligent guy that was a very sexist thing to write. Seriously, in some ways he sounds like his dad. Not open to other opinions, focused on work over relationships.
It was very sexist of a heterosexual male to speak only of females in the context of his romantic relationships? Really? Perhaps you might want to think that one over a bit more.
I've lived in 3 different states in the last 4 years as I've been building my career. It would be foolish to try to find and maintain a serious LTR through all of this. There will come a time when LTRs are top priority. Right now they are not. This is a very common and normal mentality among young career-oriented men and women.
Conundrum wrote:
Conundrum wrote:He's a young man that doesn't get it. For an intelligent guy that was a very sexist thing to write. Seriously, in some ways he sounds like his dad. Not open to other opinions, focused on work over relationships.
The last part of my post was unduly harsh and not up to my standards. I was rushed. Sorry.
I will say that many of us had experiences with family members that were either mentally ill, disabled or otherwise needy. Your assumption that others can not relate because they have been sheltered is really off the mark. That might have given me impetus to be a little harsher in my response too.
I spent about 12 years being the only local offspring with a parent slowly deteriorating due to serious cognitive decline. Its is a long story and she passed about three years ago but lets just say I couldn't discuss books and entertainment with her either but I did manage to talk and communicate with her, treated with dignity and never made her feel stupid. And she had a very severe mental illness resulting in loss of memory and thinking abilities. It was very painful and taxing to go through.
I am sure my story isn't isolated. Sadly its more common than you think.
I am sorry for you loss, but you still are only showing how sheltered you've been and how little you understand. A deteriorating parent who has been a decent human being is in no way related to my situation. One of my grandmothers slowly deteriorated over the course of a year. I still enjoyed visiting her even when she was bedridden and mute because she had always been a kind, gentle, and loving person, and I knew I could brighten her day just by showing up in her room. Despite living four hours away at the time, I visited 1-2 times per month. My remaining grandmother is also declining and is getting quite senile. She even says a lot of offensive things now, but I still enjoy time with her and go out of my way to call her and spend time with her because she's been a great person, much like my other grandmother. I was never able to discuss books or entertainment with her even in her right mind. That sort of thing has nothing to do with anything.
I'm sorry, Conundrum, but every post you write just makes you look even more naive than before as you just do not and apparently cannot understand what it's like to have relationships with truly toxic people or what toxic individuals even are. It's not about mental illness, IQ, or neediness. It's about toxicity, something you've apparently never had significant exposure to.
Nope you are young and naïve about the world. There is nothing anybody could ever say that you would enlighten you on this. Experience sometimes can be the only teacher.
Conundrum wrote:
Experience sometimes can be the only teacher.
That's what I've tried to tell you numerous times now.
FWIW, I've noticed a pretty blatant lack of understanding on your part in this thread and a number of others that aren't even about me. You're not very good at putting yourself in the shoes of other people, really listening to their words, and seeing things from their perspective. This is something you could improve on a great deal.
White Sheep wrote:
Baby Cakes wrote:I am hoping that you're not a troll. If you are, I guess that I am wasting my time. First of all, you need to spend time with your family. Your parents raised you and obviously did something right.
Think less about yourself during these visits. Get up and do your runs prior to seeing anyone. Don't talk about your runs or make a big deal about them. Just do them, shower and don't bring it up. Talk about your job and what is interesting about it, but in layman's terms. Like you might do at a bar with a girl you've just met.
A lot of the holiday season centers on eating, so it would be cool if you helped out in the kitchen. I do this a lot when I am at home. I make solid dishes that are good as hell and also pretty healthy. Not only does it give you something decent to eat, but it also introduces your family to more healthy options. Also, pick out a few things to do with your brother and father. Maybe do some charcoal grilling or something. You can tell a few travel stories and ask them some questions. Get them talking. Maybe take your brother and father to a bar or out to lunch or something... Just get them talking about things. Throw a football with your brother. It will open things up a lot between the two of you.
Do things for them. You didn't mention a family of your own, so until you have a family of your own, I think you ought to spend the holidays with your parents and siblings. Do your best to make them happy while leaving your wants and needs at the door. Self sacrifice.
Lastly, if this all fails to work, engage your father in some political debate. I do this with my dad all the time and it is hilarious. He has a masters in chemical engineering and an MBA and was extremely successful in the business world. Although he is still very active, he rarely engages any media outside of Fox News. Over Thanksgiving, I argued with him for about two hours about the merits of homosexual adoption (I am straight and married). I don't really have any strong feelings about homosexual adoption, but it was fun to argue with him and watch him get mad. In the end, we accidentally agreed that adoption should never be a "right" for anyone - regardless of sexual orientation - so that kind of killed the argument.
I appreciate you trying to help, but you have absolutely zero understanding of how bad things are. Be thankful you've lived such a sheltered life.
If you felt sad, you would just be allowing them to tear you down.
It sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation. For whatever reason, you came out healthier, more ambitious, and more intelligent than your family.
There are legions of successful people that have "divorced" their families and gone on to success and happiness.
It's an unfortunate, even sad situation, but you can move forward, grieve the loss if you must, and just let them go. It sounds awful, loveless, creepy.
I've had several friends in your situation ask me what to do, they both have advanced degrees, and eventually just let their families of origin slip out of their lives and focus on their friends as their family.
You don't get to pick your family, you do get to pick your friends. Best of luck.
This is my last post on this. You never answered the question: WHY DID YOU START THIS THTREAD. What is your purpose?
You visit your family once no more than twice a year. Many of us suggested to try and be nice during your once or twice a year visit with your "toxic" family. It was simple straight forward advice. That advice just got you mad and you implied that we are too stupid to understand.
So maybe you should just cut all ties with your family. It might be better for you and them.
I'm out.
C
The day might come when you loose your sight, your legs, etc and you will left with listening and learning about what makes each individual tick. Maybe your boasting of perfectness and not helping the meaker individual on a path of equal success could be resentful. I dont want to be so cold and calus if that is what you call success. Your siblings have suceeded in being professional drinkers professional gamblers and / or drug addicts. Its about learning and investing time to see life in their shoes. I dont talk to my siblings because thet are too successful to have human conversation. My twin brother committed suicide because he felt like a failure in the eyes of my siblings.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I found this posting because I’m searching for the same advice. I’m nothing like anyone else in my family. Although, what’s different in my situation is that everyone is generally “normal” and fun to be around (when they’re being nice to me) except they are extremely redneck and at a much lower income than me. Every time I’m around them, it’s all about how different I am and who really likes Chanel that much and blah blah blah. I’m 100% outvoted in any and everything we do together, because it’s not country enough for them. I just don’t enjoy those type of things. I really don’t. I don’t want to do them and if I tell my family I don’t want to, I’m made to feel like a bad person and causing drama in the family and I need to remember where I came from. Well, I’ve NEVER liked where I came from. I never liked being forced out to the barn when I was little. I liked wearing nice clothes to school and didn’t want to get them dirty having to feed the animals in the morning. It sucked. I didn’t like the hick town I grew up in. I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, and I did. I feel like I have an amazing life now except where my family is concerned. I feel like I’m the black sheep of the family, and I don’t belong. I’m married and have children, but I don’t want to isolate ourselves from the rest of the family because my family has always been so close, but I truly can’t stand all the tall poppying we have to endure and the country crap we have to do to be around them. Everyone wants to take trips together but it’s focused around my brother’s kids rodeo stuff, or for my husband’s and my brother’s wife’s birthday we went to a country and western concert. My husband doesn’t listen to that. Why is this his birthday you guys are willing to do? Another trip, we were supposed to go to Vegas (I even offered to pay for everyone) nope! We’re going to go visit the World’s largest honky tonk and cattle drive. I don’t even own any clothes to do that. Nor would I want to wear them if I did. No one can afford those nice things, I’m told. I offer to pay for everyone to go on a nice trip together, but I’m told that makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Well, they’re certainly comfortable asking for money for other things... which is a whole other story. I’m asking advice because I’ve tried the whole “Suck it up and go along” thing, but I’m miserable. I’m just not willing to do it anymore. I’ve tried to talk to a couple of family members about the way I feel, but have been completely brushed off.