Never been on a plane before. Please tell me everything I need to know about flying.

They should charge for hand luggage, not checked luggage.

Tips at the airport:

At most airports there are "skycaps" who will take care of your bags. You can recognize them because they are black guys. As soon as you see a black guy at the airport, say "Take this bag, my good man!" and tip him a dime. He will make sure your bag gets to where it needs to go.

A friendly compliment will make your trip through security go faster. Remember to say something to the TSA agent like "TSA is da bomb!"

To keep from getting cancer from the security x-rays, line all of your clothing with several layers of aluminum foil.

marijuologist wrote:

The evil airlines are exploiting your need to travel in order to make a profit. Plane rides should be a basic human right.

Considering that almost zero airlines make an actual profit and are propped up by government tax breaks etc.; you're not far from the truth.

Randy Oldman wrote:

Locate the nearest nun if you need to translate jive.

.

The nun didn't speak jive, Jun Cleaver did....jeez

domestic pro wrote:

the flask won't fly.

The flask will fly if it is a travel shampoo bottle full of vodka...come on people.

Remember when you park at the airport that the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

categorically wrote:

Remember when you park at the airport that the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

NO NO NO.

The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.

whatt?? wrote:

categorically wrote:

Remember when you park at the airport that the white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

NO NO NO.

The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.

Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.

some lunatic wrote:

Randy Oldman wrote:

Locate the nearest nun if you need to translate jive.

.

The nun didn't speak jive, Jun Cleaver did....jeez

Was that in a movie?

LOLololOLLOLLOl wrote:

Somebody before said to dress light, that is terrible advice. Dress in layers.

The OP said he was traveling to the mid-west in late July so the only layers he/she needs are underwear and the clothing immediately on top of the underwear. Plus, it's a real pain to have to hold extra clothing you don't need and god forbid don't put it in the overhead compartment. That drives me nuts when people put coats, sweaters, etc up there and block space that could be used for carry-ons.

What airports are you flying to/from, that will change your experience greatly.

While the midwest is full of fatties, a flight from NYC to Chicago will probably be a lot thinner. But it will be no-nonsense business types who make that trip weekly, so it can be intimidating. (not to mention the size of the airport)

If you're flying like from Westchester to Kentucky or something, expect to be relaxed, but surrounded by fatties.

Also, didn't you recently post a thread about trying to lose 50lbs?

You may want to consider buying 2 seats to be considerate to your neighbors.

Good luck on the plane. I met my current girlfriend this way. Women like to play hard-to-get on the plane but they are almost all in the mood for it.

Look for the most attractive one around, and if she whips out a book to read, that's her open to you to ask her about the book or what similar books you've read. If you don't read just do a quick Wikipedia if you have a smartphone. Don't disappoint her.

DO NOT DROP A DEUCE ON THAT PLANE!

He should bring a sweatshirt. If he doesn't need it he can just put it under the seat in front of him.

The Guru Matt James wrote:

What airports are you flying to/from, that will change your experience greatly.

While the midwest is full of fatties, a flight from NYC to Chicago will probably be a lot thinner. But it will be no-nonsense business types who make that trip weekly, so it can be intimidating. (not to mention the size of the airport)

If you're flying like from Westchester to Kentucky or something, expect to be relaxed, but surrounded by fatties.

I'll probably be flying from Laguardia to Chicago. These business types, what do I need to know about them?

Josh Hamilton's Addiction wrote:

I'll probably be flying from Laguardia to Chicago.

Since you will be flying from east to west, you need to be prepared for major jet lag. Set aside your 1st 48 hours in Chicago for bed rest to recuperate from your flight.

heres something you didnt know wrote:

2 or 3 wrote:

Yes, they aren't "free" in the sense that nothing is free. However, they are "indirectly free."

However, if I have these two options, I'm picking option one.

1. Southwest: 200 dollar ticket, no baggage cost. (and assuming that I need to check in two bags. Recently I did have to do this)

2. Delta: 170 dollar ticket, 50 dollar baggage cost.

No, you are just demonstrating that one airline is cheaper than another. That does not mean that the bags are "free" or "indirectly free" or whatever nonsense. You pay either way.

and just to let you know, hotel breakfasts are not "free" or "indrectly free" either

Dude, it is a question of semantics. You can call it whatever you want but I just care about the bottom line: what costs more or less.

I just tell them I got an itch and ask them I would appreciate it if they were thorough.

Mr. Obvious wrote:

Do you have to tip the TSA guy for feeling you up?