Considering Divorce

I agree with this.

Tell her to get a job and buy it, for herself, because that's not what you want.

She probably like someone who's 40 pounds overweight, like she is. That's another reason to divorce.

Her twisted religious thinking is another reason to divorce.

I agree with you but sex is not the issue. She is very simply the totally wrong woman for you.

Okay, that is fine, but why do you have no desire to be with somebody else. That makes it sound like you think she is the right woman for you - which of course she is not.

Tell her you are not interested and to talk about something else, like how she's going to start working out and lose 40 pounds, or else to shut up and be quiet. Tell her this before you start any trips and make it a condition of you going.

I wouldn't tell her anything that she's going to complain about. And I would tell her you're not going to do this. She would need to change her attitude in order for you to talk with her. I don't talk to anyone who has a bad attitude.

There is no reason to talk with her about anything that she's only going to complain about.

I agree that is not good. It is better to express yourself, and to do so calmly. If you feel you're starting to get angry, then just add ha ha ha to the end of each sentence ha ha ha. You make me really mad ha ha ha.

Your decision needs to be only about you, and her, not anyone else. Not about her family, or some stupid pastor who is screwing with the secretary behind his wife's back anyway.

Life your own life for you, not for anyone else. Your wife should be doing the same thing, not complaining.

If they will have comtempt for you doing the right thing, then that's another reason to get away from them and her now. It sounds to me that they, and your wife, are ruining your life, and you're putting up with it. Stop putting up with it.

Pull her aside one day soon and re-read your wedding vows together.

Get out now. Don't wait any longer. Life is too short. In your 30s, you will be able to find someone else and start over. In your 40s, the pickings for mates become very slim and most have lots of baggage attached. You should be living happy, free and easy in your 30s. Once you have kids, it is like you have been hooked up to a mule team. Last thing you want is an overweight, mean, mentally ill driver of the mule team beating you for the rest of your life.

Your wife probably let you date Dr. Jekyll in order to get what she wanted (wedding, husband, house, etc.), but has now released Mr. Hyde now that Dr. Jekyll isn't needed any more.

Getting divorced is probably also a good thing for your wife. She obviously takes you for granted and has no clue how her behavior affects you. If you dump her, it will be a serious wake up call for her. I have seen a lot of people make changes after divorce that they could have never made while being married.

Get out. Get out now. Run, don't walk to the divorce lawyer.

I'm on the tail end of basically where you would be heading. A lot of distinct similarities.

Essentially, you have an idea of where you want the relationship to go and you have things you can compromise on and some you don't. She has the same things but it's not aligning between you both. Ultimately the top priorities are different or at least on very different schedules.

Intimacy will either disappear or become unenjoyable, usually due to the baggage that will accumulate. You both will do things against the other's will on an ongoing basis and often just because the other doesn't like it...the needs of the other becomes less and less important. You will watch age take hold and see life disappearing right from under you. Things you could be doing (and same for her) that make life what you want to will never happen because neither of you align with the other.

It's not that she's wrong or that you're wrong or she's right or you're right. There are needs you both have that require both of you to fulfill, and if these things don't match up, this is where the problems form.

Without kids, why should divorce be his last option? He doesn't owe his entire life to a psycho. If they had kids -- they don't -- it's his last option. I have too many friends who hung in there and later had kids. They were miserable before and are miserable now.

He doesn't have kids, he had a brief marriage that didn't work out. There's some hurt, but not if there were kids. Sounds like not only would he be happier, but so would his wife.

Couples counseling (from what I've heard) usually ends up with the couples eventually getting divorced.

With his situation, after the initial hurt, who gets hurt more? Kids? Nope, no kids, that's the key here. Both people can move on and be happier without each other, IMO. Why force something that's not going to work with no kids involved?

Listen, most married couples have at the least considered divorce and have had the same thoughts that you have had. There is shame, feeling that you have let everyone down, feeling that you didn't try hard enough, feeling bad for the awkwardness and bitterness that it will cause your family and in-laws. You also once loved this person and will not want to hurt her. I've been there. There is still a stigma in getting a divorce, especially if you are still young. But half the couples out there getting one is not that great either for making you feel marriage is secure.

So, yeah, many of us (even probably most of us that are still married, if we are honest) have had these feelings.

However, I have also seen family and friends be in god-awful relationships and just wish them more happiness in their lives, even if that means leaving their spouse. You will get support from your family if it is the right thing to do. Getting over the shame and guilt will be overcome with relief and hope for a bright future if it is the right thing to do.

Norman, I have been right where you are. Do not get this women pregnant. That is her goal right now. If you think you have problems wait till she is pregnant or has a kid. My ex was a Catholic like yours filled with guilt. My ex also said things like "I want a Volvo like the other Moms in town" we were just married and I bought a home and that wasn't enough. I also liked her family and couldn't bear the thought of divorce but you have to move on and her Dad ended up being better about then I thought.

The difference between us Norman is my ex and I had a child and it wasn't pretty. If you think she is bad now, don't even think about having a child with her. Get out now. Run !!!

I wish you the best, but I think you will end up divorcing this woman. Maybe that is for the best...

That being said, she sounds like a sick person in need of serious help. I would classify her as very depressed. You need to make sure that you take care of her prior to walking away. That is what you promised to do and that is what you should do.

As someone else posted above, work on this for a year. Work hard at it. If she is not helping herself, walk away.

It would be very interesting to hear her side of the story. Somehow, I think she would tell a very different story than is being told by her husband. The idea that a man would come on Letsrun (seriously???) to seek out advice about something as important as whether or not to end his marriage says a lot about him. Asking advice from a site that contains a bunch of women hating men - wow, I wonder what their advice will be.

This site is filled with men who complain about women not paying enough attention to them or claim the woman is too needy, too fat or too skinny, too arrogant or not confident enough, too social or not social enough, and on and on. It is hilarious what a bunch of insecure men frequent this site. Wake up - most women aren't attracted to skinny runner guys. Either accept it or go lift a few weights and attract the ladies with some nice biceps, pecs, and gluts.

Precious Roy wrote:

Your wife probably let you date Dr. Jekyll in order to get what she wanted (wedding, husband, house, etc.), but has now released Ms. Hyde now that Dr. Jekyll isn't needed any more.

Big Bob wrote:

Pull her aside one day soon and re-read your wedding vows together.

When you do this, videotape her reaction to this please.

What a mess :-( Ignore the jerks on this site who are judgmental, suspicious, and sarcastic in their comments to you. Sometimes it is easier to field a question/explain a situation to a bunch of strangers. I've done that, and received good advice. Better advice than from a "professional".

I understand your fears of the whole extended family reactions. That was far worse for me than the divorce! My ex-husband's family does not speak to me anymore, which is sad, although I understand their loyalty to him. I didn't have that. After I had stuck faithfully to my sister's side during her divorce, my mother and sister turned on me, blaming me (and my running) for mine. Right after my divorce, when I could have used some family support, they vacationed with my ex and continued to invite him to all my family functions. Sometimes they even ask me not to attend if they have invited him. Wow. Soooo, I advise you to expect the worst from friends and family, and then anything better will be a blessing :-( I hope you do not have ANYTHING as bad as what I went through. Once you are through it though, you'll know who you can trust .....

Get the divorce Norman. I was in an ugly marriage and can testify that (based on what you're telling us) it won't get any easier. Don't worry about what family thinks. Once my family saw how much happier I was flying solo they forgot about the divorce (which isn't as bad as some people make it sound).

Hi Norman, to your first point, I've seen this a million times. In most cases, this is what people think will make them happy. Have a child with someone that you want to be the mother of your children and someone you want to share parenting and your life. She'll use the child to end your running. You will bump running from your priorities but she'll force a total exclusion or make your life endlessly miserable.

Mos Def wrote:

But, the first things I can tell you are make sure you do what is right for you, but also make sure you are 100% sure about you decision.

if not a troll, please listen. this is all testing your commitment. hold your marriage and your bride above yourself. every relationship has difficulties whether it be between spouses, best friends, siblings, whatever...you will not ever find a long-married couple without their share of trials. COMMUNICATE. apologize, come together, and decide to work on it together. see someone.

i have been married for 11 years. the first two had speed bumps. first child was a bloody mountain we had to climb. we have three kids now and i can honestly say that our marriage has been awesome for the past 8 years.

what a messed up society. we bash Solinsky for stepping off the track in one race but fail to see divorce as the mentally weak DNF it is. same thing that men refuse to seek outside help but think Salazar is the world's best coach. holy crap you need help with your marriage. all it means is you are like everyone else. get a coach if you need one, but see the bloody thing through.

aspire to at least equal or surpass that of your parents.

Get out now while you still have your life ahead of you. If you stay you will become an empty and hollow shell of a man. She is selfish. I am going through almost the exact same scenario. Before I married, I told her that I had two stipulations, she had to work full time at a professional job and cold not get fat. At this point she has failed at both and calls me too skinny and insensitive. She is negative, depressed and wants to pull me down into the abyss. You and I do not deserve this nor should we give up our lives to be miserable. The girls I run with are beautiful, happy and they like me. I often think how great it could be running through the mountains with one of them and having lunch by a stream, like I did when I was a single guy. Instead it's couch time on Sat because she cant wear a swimsuit at one of the nicest beaches in teh world that is 10 minutes away. I recently made a descision in life and it has taken me much too long. I am not going to let people push me around, use me or manipulate me. I am tired of trying to make others happy while they make me miserable. Good luck my friend.

[quote]lagunarun wrote:

Get out now while you still have your life ahead of you. If you stay you will become an empty and hollow shell of a man. She is selfish. I am going through almost the exact same scenario. Before I married, I told her that I had two stipulations, she had to work full time at a professional job and cold not get fat. At this point she has failed at both and calls me too skinny and insensitive. She is negative, depressed and wants to pull me down into the abyss. You and I do not deserve this nor should we give up our lives to be miserable. The girls I run with are beautiful, happy and they like me. I often think how great it could be running through the mountains with one of them and having lunch by a stream, like I did when I was a single guy. Instead it's couch time on Sat because she cant wear a swimsuit at one of the nicest beaches in teh world that is 10 minutes away. I recently made a descision in life and it has taken me much too long. I am not going to let people push me around, use me or manipulate me. I am tired of trying to make others happy while they make me miserable. Good luck my friend.

I am really hoping this is a troll post. It can't be for real??? "She had to work full time at a professional job and cold (could?) not get fat" -seriously??? Those are the "stipulations" you had?? Wow, what a guy. She was sooooo lucky to marry someone like you. Not.

"Running through the mountains with one of them and having lunch by a stream". Again, seriously??? Lame.

I would probably gain weight, be negative and suffer from depression too if I had made the mistake of marrying someone like you.