wanna leave wife..fed up

The Sex-Starved Relationship

Published on 23 Nov 2015

Not having enough sex in a relationship could sound like a rather trivial issue, to be laughed off in front of others. But in truth, a shortage of sex threatens relationships like almost nothing else – and deserves thought and attention.

I know someone who does this, and I have no doubt his wife definitely knows about it. Same as the OP, he was fed up with the miserable attitude and no sex. He said he gave in during a work trip to Thailand and has never been happier in his marriage since. I think it's a stressful life to have to juggle a demanding job, family and occasional hookers. He told me he doesn't try to hide much anymore and his wife doesn't seem to care... seems like there's some balance this way. I've recommended a divorce but they are too financially entangled to stomach that process, so he'd rather roll with the punches. I guess some of it is luck, but my you really have to be careful who you settle with.

Thedirty wrote:

Just hire hookers on the side. She deserves it because she takes advantage of you and does not give you what you want. She'll take you to town in a divorce one day anyways. She probably cheats anyways.

Hey Moron. You're responding to posts six years old. That guy is 31 now. Read the dates of the posts you reply to or shut up and stop spamming this board with your stupid drivel.

He's still in the same predicament

stalks old threads to troll posters

I didn't realize this thread was from 6 years ago when I put it up on the HP.

Can the original poster (OP) chime in on how things stand? Bummed, did you get divorced or stick it out? Updates please.

rojo wrote:

I didn't realize this thread was from 6 years ago when I put it up on the HP.

Can the original poster (OP) chime in on how things stand? Bummed, did you get divorced or stick it out? Updates please.

Update here:

Trollminator wrote:

Do NOT do it... getting married with doubts is a terrible idea. My wife and I got married 3 years ago and both of us went in with very little expectation and knowing that nothing is guaranteed. We don't take each other for granted and we have been very happily married. I've had a total of maybe 3 bad days since, which is a multitude fewer than when I was single/dating. I married a more "progressive" foreigner who doesn't particularly care for the marriage label, so I guess I lucked out. Many women believe a marriage is a license for complete misery and that is exactly how things will turn out. Don't take the plunge

[/quote]

1. Get back to us in a couple of years and let us know the overall trend.

2. You "lucked out"? More like, you are "lucking out so far". If you treat this as a static, "done deal", she will sense it and punish you accordingly.

I agree with those who counsel to wait to get married. I was married at 24 - still married in my mid-50's. We just got the last of our two kids through college. I have unexpected health problems, so that is my latest excuse to put off a divorce (which is in part credible).

My wife views marriage entirely as a business arrangement. It does not bother her in the least. I am simply a paycheck (I make around 400k a year, for what it worth, and have been in this income range for 20 years), and, ending about a year ago, a sponsor of Ivy League educations so she can look presentable in her social circles (to her credit, the kids are very successful and independent). Sex is non-existent, and she truly dislikes me to boot. The root of her dislike stems from my family - I come from nothing - my mother was an abused, single mother addict, and my father, when grown tired of abusing (a fairly well known track coach) abandoned the family. There is not a day that goes by when my wife does not think she has been deceived by marrying a low class person, and constantly goes on about how I don't have any standards. She actually looks down on the fact that I went to college on a track scholarship, as, well, it reminds her of my low education parents who did not really care for their children (my brother went to school on a track scholarship as well). She is also constantly disappointed by the salary I make, and generally thinks I am a loser. Of course, I am not disconnected from reality, and realize that my salary is more than enough for lots of nice things in life (house already paid for, and lots for retirement, etc), and that I am not a loser, and while I have had to work harder at adult socialization than most due to my upbringing, I certainly have standards, whatever that means. All of her behavior is directed at manipulating me, because, well, it works, and all she cares about is her economics and social standing. I say this not to complain, but to point out that her behavior is not all that unusual. Her friends, like her, treat their husbands as employees, and I sit around wondering how intelligent and successful guys can be so eminently stupid in their personal lives.

It really hits home with the illnesses I have. I am really alone, and am very vulnerable, as my wife doesn't care about my health, and can't be bothered with helping me out. It certainly has motivated me in rehab - I have to look out for myself.

I do try to bring balance to this lousy arrangement. I am sure there are women out there who would treat guys like me well - guys who don't drink, don't gamble, don't cheat, live well within their means, and are nice and encouraging (the latter element somehow turns off a lot of women). But there are quite a few who will take advantage of the situation before them. And I am not a misogynist - there is lots of jerky guys out there and I understand why many women are wary.

The one factor I would have gained with waiting is simply wisdom. Being an abused kid whose father constantly beat me up for running a poor race or not doing well in school (I was a 4:08 high school miler and an exceedingly good student), well, I had no idea how susceptible I was to manipulation. My wife must have seen it from miles away.

Wait to get married. Choose wisely.

I got married at 28 and have had few problems for 20 years of marriage.

You have to marry the right person obviously - it's not much more than that.

And keep expectations in check - it's not going to be about youthful love for more than 5-10 years - it turns into something different. So be realistic.

I like my wife still, got married before 30.

Married at 25, now 49. Totally, completely co-dependent. Could not imagine life without her, but she is one of a kind--the most honest person I've ever met, with the biggest heart in the world. She's also curiously intelligent, and variously talented--a biochem major who is now a licensed architect, and who is the best dancer you will ever see, and an olympic-caliber diver, too. I'm 100% sure she would drive anybody else insane.

Nobody I have ever met has what we have. When we look at each other we still feel the way we did 25 years ago. We would each give our lives for the other without even thinking about it, and whoever dies second will probably end up taking their own life, because the pain and loneliness will be too much to bear.

We have been dirt poor, and now are rich by most standards, and none of that matters the slightest bit.

I post this to let people know that it IS possible to find "the one", and to remain in mad love. We considered ourselves "married" the moment we met, and have never been away from each other for more than 3 days, and at that, once twice or three times, for business.

To have such an arrangement work, one person MUST be "stronger" than the other, and must use that strength to make sacrifices and concessions in favor of the other person--in our case, I am the "stronger" one, and have adopted very much more of her world than she has adopted of mine. It takes strength to know and allow this, to understand why it is necessary, and it takes enormous strength to maintain it over the years--but I guess the main point is this: we all have our strengths, and we all have things that we can deal with, and things that we can't. In our case, our strengths are well-aligned with what is required to maintain our love, so it works, perfectly.

For instance, I am not a superman--I can't be around stupidity, hypocrisy, or entitlement mentality for more than a few seconds without going insane. I could never, ever, tolerate those things. But, my strengths are well-matched to our relationship.

Am I lucky? Absolutely. I can't think of any other "reason" for the luck, other than that there is a god who put us together. But just like somebody has to win the state lottery, somebody also has to win the love lottery. It DOES happen.

I like my wife got married 31 years ago.

the fact that a decent percentage of the miserable cretins who troll the letsrun message boards have been somewhat happy in marriage is pretty good news for the rest of us.

1) Co-dependence- blecchh

2) "...becomes something different"- no thanks. Rather be with someone different.

I pretty much agree with a lot of what you've said, but this:

is just creepy. I have been married for 17 years and love my wife more than myself, but I am not going to kill myself if she dies. I'll probably live the rest of my life in testament to her, or something along those lines. Life is a gift.

Make sure you have tried to bring mutual empathy into the situation instead of just feeling of being fed up and angry. My wife and I have been gradually working on sexual appetite incompatibility and rejection issues from both sides, somewhat calmly after many years of sadness anger and isolation on my part and withdrawal beyond just sexual on hers. She doesn't begrudge me for needing relief or talking about it, and though I have not chosen it yet, she would tolerate outside the relationship sex on my part. I know that would be really tricky because I won't go to prostitutes and don't have time to travel or go out to the other side of town much, which leaves me to chose from interested women in our community, which I see as full of potential land mines.

This whole story has been going on for generations, women typically shut down or need sex less , sooner than men. Both of us want to hold the family together in otherwise traditional ways. It's really stupid to ruin a relationship that is as good as it's going to get with anyone else and better for the family just over some strange here and there through a rough patch. If you really want to be single by all means go. But if you want a relationship, don't give up easily with your wife. Water seeks its own level and the next one isn't going to

automatically be a better solution.

On the other hand , looking at it with mutual empathy is magic. Quit accusing and try to understand. We went from about 1 time per month , and quite pathetic sex at that , to the point where I told her it was too insulting to continue, to at least one time a week and a pretty good and mutual romp. I don't know what the end of our story will be, but I am glad I will be honest , grow as much as I can, and never have to "cheat".

BTW, when we got married 14 years ago I told my wife I would tell her before I ever took on another woman, so there are no marriage vows involved.

Some consider it creepy, some consider it beautiful. I can't see myself doing it, but never say never. Yes life is a gift, and it's great, but about some things, you just never know. It has much precedent.

agip wrote:

I got married at 28 and have had few problems for 20 years of marriage.

You have to marry the right person obviously - it's not much more than that.

And keep expectations in check - it's not going to be about youthful love for more than 5-10 years - it turns into something different. So be realistic.

The bolded statement is patently and dangerously INCORRECT!

1) There is no such thing as "the right person".

2) If matters far more that both people have a common understanding of what they are building and how to build it than it is to marry Mr/Mrs Wonderful.