New girlfriend is stressed but taking it out on me. Considering cutting her loose... Need input.

MatthewXCountry wrote:

You pointed out a fact, but as a 32 year old dating a 25 year old, it probably isn't a smart thing to point out. By pointing it out she is probably thinking "why is he saying this, is this how he thinks things ought to be?" Maybe her friends tease her about the age gap. Maybe she thinks, hmmm, will he dump me for someone younger in a few years.

The fact is a fact, but it is hardly mundane given the situation. It would be like pointing out pedofilia is common in the catholic curch (relative to other religions) to a devote catholic. Or pointing out the crime rate is higher in a neighborhood someone grew up in. Sure these are facts but you can sure expect an argument from the person on the other side of the table if you bring them up.

Have an honest converstation with her. Start by asking her if she is unhappy with the relationship and if there are anythings she wants to change. Then acknowledge it, and say how you feel. Then move forward or breakup.

Joe John wrote:

MatthewXCountry wrote:

You pointed out a fact, but as a 32 year old dating a 25 year old, it probably isn't a smart thing to point out. By pointing it out she is probably thinking "why is he saying this, is this how he thinks things ought to be?" Maybe her friends tease her about the age gap. Maybe she thinks, hmmm, will he dump me for someone younger in a few years.

The fact is a fact, but it is hardly mundane given the situation. It would be like pointing out pedofilia is common in the catholic curch (relative to other religions) to a devote catholic. Or pointing out the crime rate is higher in a neighborhood someone grew up in. Sure these are facts but you can sure expect an argument from the person on the other side of the table if you bring them up.

Have an honest converstation with her. Start by asking her if she is unhappy with the relationship and if there are anythings she wants to change. Then acknowledge it, and say how you feel. Then move forward or breakup.

I'm a 32yo male. She's a 25yo female. I stated it's uncommon for the WOMAN to be more than 5 years older than the man in relationships. I think most people hear what is being said when someone says things without dreaming up a bunch of hidden meanings, and typically it's not very wise or sensible to put all sorts of strange thoughts into someone else's simple statements. Seems almost like you're being Cathy Newsom in the infamous JP interview here.

Someone else mentioned something about communication. I already have communicated lightly on these things each time they've come up. She's gotten mad about XYZ, and I've stately flatly that my only point was whatever, something totally benign. The behavior has continued, so I'm planning to have a frank, direct conversation about it all since it's not going away.

FWIW, I have been told many times in my life that I'm super easy going and super easy to get along with. I'm a supervisor at work and got my job partly because there are some very difficult personalities I have to work with in my position, and I was told explicitly that part of the reason I was chosen for the job is because I seem to be able to work with anyone and be unfazed by it. My girlfriend has talked about basically being the opposite, which I have made mental notes of. She has said that numerous people from work and people she used to be friends with don't talk to her anymore, and she doesn't know why. She has a lot of really great qualities, but if she acts this way at work too, I understand why people have distanced themselves. I want to talk to her about it all and try to figure out what exactly is going on. I figure even if our relationship ends, at least we will have identified an area that she can work on that will improve her happiness in life. Obviously nobody likes criticism really, so I need to be very mindful and thoughtful and compassionate in how I talk about things. That's kind of what I'm thinking right now.

Joe John wrote:

I've been seeing a girl for about 3 months. We really hit it off right from the start, felt like we were a couple almost right away. Been hanging out and doing different things together 2-4X per week over this time period. At first, things were great, we had a lot of fun, and we both laughed a lot. We are both a bit unconventional and nerdy, and I was really viewing this as something that had potential for a serious LTR, but at the same time I kept myself grounded in telling myself it's early, I don't know her that well yet.

Well, fast-forward a little, and the last month has gotten increasingly not great. There have been multiple times now where we have plans to hang out and do something, and she is in a total shet mood for no reason and gets mad and tries to start an argument over totally benign things, like nothing I would expect anyone to be upset about at all. Stupid example, we watched a movie recently where there was a large age gap between the man and the woman who fell for each other with the woman being older, and when talking about the movie after I stated it's pretty uncommon for the woman to be more than 5 years older than the guy in relationships, and she got mad and tried to argue. I felt like I had stated a mundane objective fact, nothing more or less, certainly nothing to get upset about. Like wtf?

There have been good times too, but probably 3 of the last 5 times we hung out were between okay and wtf, and today when we woke up, rather than having morning fun times like we normally do, I felt so disgusted by her behavior from the previous night still that I just got up and left.

So, here's the catch. Her dog, who she had an extremely close relationship with, died unexpectedly about 8 weeks ago, and I know it's affecting her. The holidays are also a really stressful time for her because there are some problems in her family, and Christmas time kind of just makes her feel bad. She is 25 too, kind of young, and I am 32. I get she is stressed and grieving etc, but it feels like she's taking it out on me with zero awareness and for zero reason.

I am thinking right now I am going to try to have a talk with her about all of this and see how it goes, but I'm not feeling very confident about the relationship right now. Behavior this bad this early in the relationship is a pretty bad sign in my experience. Thoughts?

hi i'm the problem it's me wrote:

Just throwing out a different opinion: feels like most of these responses are from dudes. I'm a woman who has a trauma history and I have had issues with emotional reactivity in the past that's caused relationship issues.

It's taken some work and lots of self-awareness, but I changed and learned how to cope much better. In fact, I didn't even recognize my tendencies until a partner pointed it out to me about 6 months into our relationship. We had a long, rational conversation and I committed to working on it. We've been together for 3 years.

I think it's fair to say that you do like this woman (it seems like you are torn here), and instead of just cutting and running, maybe bring it up? It's not an excuse, but she may not realize that she is dumping like that. Once she is aware, if she continues her behavior, then definitely time to re-evaluate.

Joe John wrote:

hi i'm the problem it's me wrote:

Just throwing out a different opinion: feels like most of these responses are from dudes. I'm a woman who has a trauma history and I have had issues with emotional reactivity in the past that's caused relationship issues.

It's taken some work and lots of self-awareness, but I changed and learned how to cope much better. In fact, I didn't even recognize my tendencies until a partner pointed it out to me about 6 months into our relationship. We had a long, rational conversation and I committed to working on it. We've been together for 3 years.

I think it's fair to say that you do like this woman (it seems like you are torn here), and instead of just cutting and running, maybe bring it up? It's not an excuse, but she may not realize that she is dumping like that. Once she is aware, if she continues her behavior, then definitely time to re-evaluate.

First off, hat's off to you for being open to that kind of feedback and especially for doing the tough work to self-reflect and process things and get better. So few people do that, so good job.

Second, I'm pretty confident that is what's going on here. She has talked about her family more than usual lately, and I know it's on her mind and affecting her. I actually come from a really terrible family life myself and had a lot of issues in my 20s until I worked through everything when I was about 29, so I understand all this stuff pretty well. I AM torn because there's a lot of great things about her, but in my past experiences, even when people are made aware of their issues, many people won't really work on them at all, even when they're pretty severe, and with this only being 3 months in, I'm on the fence as to whether it makes sense to try to give her another 6 months or so to see how things go. Even when someone wants to get better and really works at it, healing takes time, generally months if not more, so I'm not sure if it makes sense to stick around or cut my losses.

Also, thank you for the thoughtful reply. It's a pretty wild contrast to some of the other posters here.

I'm talking to her later tonight about things, so wish me luck.

Joe John wrote:

So, the reason I used that example is because of how completely nonsensical it seems to me to get upset about. I wasn't trying to "impose" anything or make any judgements whatsoever. Just stating a fact/observation. To me getting upset over that makes about as much sense as getting upset at someone for saying summer is warmer than winter.

I have noticed that when she's in a bad mood, she becomes extremely emotionally reactive, not like screaming or yelling or anything like that, but she has intense emotions and tries to fight or gets upset over things that would be completely normal, practically emotionless conversation with anyone else. Like I said, there have still been good times, but the weird/bad times have been prevalent enough that I feel like I basically can't even speak in her presence without the possibility that she'll get upset about something.

Idk... I guess I'm just really disappointed because it seemed so great early on, like there was real potential here, and it is so bizarre to me that people behave so badly with seemingly no awareness. Like, why does anyone need explained to them that fighting all the time about nothing is not conducive to happiness in life? Doesn't make any sense to me.

Joe John wrote:

hi i'm the problem it's me wrote:

Just throwing out a different opinion: feels like most of these responses are from dudes. I'm a woman who has a trauma history and I have had issues with emotional reactivity in the past that's caused relationship issues.

It's taken some work and lots of self-awareness, but I changed and learned how to cope much better. In fact, I didn't even recognize my tendencies until a partner pointed it out to me about 6 months into our relationship. We had a long, rational conversation and I committed to working on it. We've been together for 3 years.

I think it's fair to say that you do like this woman (it seems like you are torn here), and instead of just cutting and running, maybe bring it up? It's not an excuse, but she may not realize that she is dumping like that. Once she is aware, if she continues her behavior, then definitely time to re-evaluate.

First off, hat's off to you for being open to that kind of feedback and especially for doing the tough work to self-reflect and process things and get better. So few people do that, so good job.

Second, I'm pretty confident that is what's going on here. She has talked about her family more than usual lately, and I know it's on her mind and affecting her. I actually come from a really terrible family life myself and had a lot of issues in my 20s until I worked through everything when I was about 29, so I understand all this stuff pretty well. I AM torn because there's a lot of great things about her, but in my past experiences, even when people are made aware of their issues, many people won't really work on them at all, even when they're pretty severe, and with this only being 3 months in, I'm on the fence as to whether it makes sense to try to give her another 6 months or so to see how things go. Even when someone wants to get better and really works at it, healing takes time, generally months if not more, so I'm not sure if it makes sense to stick around or cut my losses.

Also, thank you for the thoughtful reply. It's a pretty wild contrast to some of the other posters here.

I'm talking to her later tonight about things, so wish me luck.