What is the funniest thing you have heard a coach yell at an athlete or a team?

Unfortunately coaches and teachers used to get away with a lot of abusive behaviors which they probably couldn’t get away with today. In some ways the world is a much better place. I have no problem with coaches disciplining their kids but it needs to be done in an appropriate way. There is never an excuse for a coach to use profanity, or insult a kid especially in front of his teammates. When a coach needs to discipline a kid it should be done in private and in a productive and appropriate manner. Unfortunately there are still some scumbag coaches who still behave in this manner but now it can be reported.

I once told one of those coaches that he is a bad person and thanks to him I will know how to treat kids the right way. The coach was surprised by my comment because a lot of of these guys don’t realize what they are doing Many just don’t care. I’m proud to say that as a social worker and coach I always treated my kids the right way.

The funniest thing a couch ever said to me was "sit on me for the first lap"

After finishing my first steeplechase and falling in the water (more face planting than falling) at every water barrier, my coach approaches and with a straight face declares , "Well we found your race."

Side notes: He couldn't keep his straight face much longer, to this day I don't know what happened to my second place medal, and I never ran the steeplechase again.

oldandoldfastguy wrote:

89 steps wrote:

Way too many of these are just mean insults, which are not funny at all. Belittling people is horrible, not funny.

Here is a perfect example of the difference between runners in the past (70's, 80's) and the oh so sensitive, fragile P****s of today.. Hey buddy you still got your participation trophy right?

+1000

TASTE IT!!

Nothing in this thread has been even remotely humorous. Just because a coach is vulgar and senile does not make them funny. I was hoping for some witty stories. This thread has been an epic fail.

At a Monday practice in college after a horrible Saturday meet, our coach started roasting the whole team and a direct quote is:

“I could get 5 Kenyans, train them only in the football stadium, and sweep our current team” (our locker room was in our football stadium so we started practice there)

After he initially said it, he looked around the stadium and started creating an actual training plan. Runs on the turf for easy days, stair steps twice a week, strides on the field, reps on the field. It was so well thought out that it was clearly something he had thought about before. As mad as it made us at the time it’s now one of the funniest memories I have from college xc.

oldandoldfastguy wrote:

89 steps wrote:

Way too many of these are just mean insults, which are not funny at all. Belittling people is horrible, not funny.

Here is a perfect example of the difference between runners in the past (70's, 80's) and the oh so sensitive, fragile P****s of today.. Hey buddy you still got your participation trophy right?

Cruelty is wrong no matter when you did it.

The successful coaches who were hard-nosed debasers could have had the same success with a positive style, they were just sadists who wanted to abuse their power and harm others.

The people you call sensitive and fragile are breaking all the records of the heartless masochists you celebrate, because in the long run positive reinforcement works much better than degradation.

And our kids who got participation trophies when they were young are now bringing home state championships. The more positive motivation, the better.

"You forgot to bring your spikes to track practice??? That's like forgetting to bring YOUR DICK to an orgy!!!"

So I have a few. First we had a guy on my track team run a PR in the mile by a good 20 seconds in route to winning the mile at a dual meet only to vomit right on the edge of the infield a few yards from the finish. For the next several meets our coach kept yelling at us that if we didn't throw up we weren't pushing ourselves hard enough.

We had a phenomenal hurdler on our team who happened to be black and his big rival happened to be a Jewish kid from a few towns over. They were both in the final at the class state meet and were neck and neck when someone from the the other runner's contingent yellowed, don't let that "swartza" beat you. Well that was enough for our runner to find and extra gear and win a very close finish. At the time I didn't fully realize the full significance of the term but things like that were way more common 30 years ago than today.

Another time our girls basketball team was playing a team that was what they used to call big boned. A few folks from the crowd started chanting 1, 2, 3, 4 get the cattle off the floor. Today that might cause fans to be ejected, their team to be given a technical or worse but I think one of the teachers just quietly asked them to stop.

My personal favorite basketball chant was when our team was losing to a less socio economically advantaged school was the "that's all right, that's okay, you'll be working for us someday." Anything to get in the other team's head.

Not a coach but the other day my wife told me "Just get the operation done, you'll never be a Olympian."

I'm a 57 year old hobby jogger for the last 27 years

I still remember my coach yelling to me from the side of the course when there was about a mile to go during our regional road running champs when I was in about 25th place "Ok pass one runner ever 10 meters and you'll win easily" lol. Nice in theory... Still managed to move up to 18th place so it maybe helped somewhat !

A fellow marathoner was asked if his family was supportive of his training. He replied: "If by supportive you mean they are not actively sabotaging my training, then yes."

"There are no fast cows and no fat greyhounds."

"Try cross country. The races are long enough you might not be last." I was hooked

Words of Wisdom wrote:

Nothing in this thread has been even remotely humorous. Just because a coach is vulgar and senile does not make them funny. I was hoping for some witty stories. This thread has been an epic fail.

LMFAO - everything in this thread is hilarious!

Okay listen up team. Winning is easy. There’s only two ways to win. Only two. You either lead from the start and don’t let anyone pass you, or you pass everyone in front of you before the finish.

I don't recall anything a coach yelled being all that funny.

Insults, encouragement, emotional manipulation in general has no effect on a runner with the state of mind they're in. A good coach yells useful information at them. Their splits, how many spots they need to move up, etc. That keeps them in the race.

So not the funniest words but a funny situation. One of the schools competed against had a short track due to space constraints. It was roughly a 1/5 of a mile so all the middle and distance events were screwy perhaps none more than the two mile which was 10 laps. As anyone who has run the 3200 will tell you even 8 laps can cause one to lapse and that is why the coaches usually are keeping track and making sure their runners know how many laps are left and certainly to call out the last lap.

Well one time we had a tri meet at this team's field due to flooding at another town's track and either the visiting coach had a memory lapse or was new but his runner was in 5th place maybe 10 to 15 meters behind the lead pack and the coach yells last lap to her, go get'em. Well this runner decides to haul ass thinking she only has 400 meters to go and slowly but surely starts catching the pack. This makes the coach excited and finally someone realizes what is going on and informs him that there are still two laps to go. At this point he starts sprinting after his runner yellow two more laps to which I thinks she must think he means just two more people to pass b/c she starts running faster, overtakes the lead pack who increase their pace a bit but are disciplined enough to not sprint down the straight away so the wayward girl thinks she's winning the race only to be told she has two more laps. I'll never forget the look on her face as she ran past what she had thought was the finish line. She held on to finish but I think faded to 7th or 8th place.

Pick it up godammit...this ain't no JOGathon!"