annoyed girlfriend wrote:
I made an excuse to my mother that he wasn't feeling well/is sick and is trying to rest up. She suggested him coming for dinner and she could have soup ready, or for lunch tomorrow since it's a holiday. Not sure I want to try to appear relaxed in front of my parents when I'm still annoyed at him.
Your mom really wants to see him? Maybe he was with her last night!?!
Tell them he is hungover and you’re fighting. That will put it to bed.
Guy in late 20s wrote:
Let me tell you that if you invited me out with your parents I would be honored and take it semi seriously mostly focusing on the fact of just being there with your family.
I dont know your boyfriend, his priorities and his value system but I dont know if I would ever cancel on a significant other six hours in advance due to lack of sleep and alcohol. If I were in his shoes Id wake up after a few hours, go for a jog, get some sleep, clean up, meet with you and your parents for a sunday brunch and then try to take you home with me for a sunday nap. All good things.
In every obstacle there lies an opportunity. This young man flaked due to a self induced form of uncertainty and his absence will make you feel bad with your parents today. I understand because a girlfriend did that to me on my birthday once and then stopped talking for the day because I called her out and she didnt want to deal with it.
Dont break up with him yet and be careful not to charge at him with anger. Ignore confrontation this time and call it STRIKE ONE. But if he does it again STRIKE THREE and throw him out because he should be sharing time with you and honoring his committment on plans.
That’s why she’s with him and not you bro. Girls don’t want nice guys.
We've been together a little over a year. In the past, after he's committed to an event (whether that's related to meeting my parents/coming over for lunch/other events), he's never flaked on it (he has decided not to commit to something if he thinks he can't make it but never committed and then flaked). This is the first time.
I agree that I am concerned that he didn't think to end up leaving earlier, knowing that he would be coming for lunch the next day and I will bring that up with him.
Yes, I know that he does feel anxious when he has to meet my parents because he feels like he has to always make a good impression and put his best foot forward. So I suspect that because he'll be tired, etc., he'd prefer to not meet them at all rather than show up tired and potentially make a bad impression.
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
OK I know posting on Letsrun isn't the best for advice but there are occasionally some nuggets here so here goes. I am also sure I'll get people blaming me as is the case with this website but hopefully there is still some good advice there.
My boyfriend was supposed to come to lunch at my parents today (they've met before so this isn't the first time but it is not something that happens super regularly). He went to a party last evening and then I got a text around 6-7 AM saying he just got back from the party and didn't think he'd feel okay enough to come to lunch. He also did add he feels really bad about it and about disappointing my parents and if there's anything he can do to make up for it.
I'm feeling annoyed and also upset that I now have to make up excuses to my parents about it. I also can't tell my parents "maybe dinner or " works better because he's sleeping right now and won't be able to confirm that. To be fair, this is the first time something like this has happened (he doesn't go to these types of parties regularly at all, this was a birthday party for a friend). Any suggestions on how to deal with this? It seems to me that it doesn't make sense to get angry/yell but I do want to convey my disappointment.
If it's a one-time occurrence then just let it go. He already told you he feels bad about so there is no need discuss it any further. I know from personal experience that hangovers can be pretty nasty, so he might, or might not, have been capable of attending the lunch.
If it starts happening frequently there is not much you can do about. It's difficult to reason with alcoholics.
Annoyed girlfriend:
It sounds like you trust him. It sounds like he is generally responsible are reliable.
He is a bit of a wuss for not sucking up the pain of the hangover and having lunch with your parents, who you presumably dont see often.
My point is that there are worse things than being in a committed relationship with somebody you love and trust who very infrequently acts irresponsibly in a very normal way. Expecting your partner to be perfect all the time is a sure path to loneliness, nobody is perfect.
I think just tell him you're annoyed but it isnt a big deal because he doesn't usually do this sort of thing.
As far as the reschedule, just reschedule and assume he can make it. It sounds like you dont know his schedule very well? I assume you live apart.
I also assume this isnt the first time meeting the parents? If this is his first time meeting your parents, that is a bigger deal imo. Then it is either more irresponsible, or he is panicking about meeting your parents and drank himself into oblivion. In that case, drag him kicking and screaming to dinner while reassuring him your parents will love him because you do.
"Guy in late 20s" sounds like the type of guy I would date. My boyfriend in general definitely falls under "nice guy." The reason I don't think this one event is immediate grounds for break up is because he has always made past commitments and is extremely respectful in general. But this is absolutely something to address, to not set a precedent.
In your late 20’s, been together for a year and he hasn’t proposed?
Time to move on. If you ever want kids time to get going...
Still nervous around your parents? Sounds like a HSer made this up.
Partying with the boys until 6 AM? You realize he probably had a nose full of coke right?
He's not going to be in any kind of shape that you'd like to present to your parents and he'd probable need a few beers to get steady - not a good picture.
He should have outgrown this stuff by now (late 20's) - let him off easy this time, but tell him it's not cool and you don't expect to experience this again.
Tell him to lay off the blow, that stuff is expensive and illegal.
Geez have you guys never accidentally stayed out too late one night?? I get it, it’s not ideal and an inconvenience but given it’s literally the first time he has done it and was a Birthday for a friend, I would tell him you are disappointed but don’t think that’s reason to break it off or not talk to him. Sure if he has a history of doing that, then I would be more annoyed. But you know people make mistakes and he was probably having a lot of fun at his friends birthday and stayed out too late. I would talk to him and voice your concern and see how he responds and leave it at that. If it becomes a habit, then would be more concerned. I get he had a commitment the next day and probably should have taken that into consideration, but he probably feels bad and doesn’t want your parents too see him hungover. I would be annoyed, but I would be understanding given this is the first time he has done this. Laughing at people tell you to break up or give him the silent treatment-so childish and accomplished nothing. People make mistakes and you have to be able to work through them.
The problem is not the night out. The issue is the supposed “nice guy” hasn’t proposed yet. And in his late 20’s? And “nervous” around her parents? All red flags!
He stayed out late and now he would rather sleep than hang out with your family. Sounds like he was honest about it with you. Which part is the actual problem? That he doesn't prioritize hanging out with your family?
Does he actually want to hang out with your family? If not, stop asking him to. It's your family, not his.
Also, why would you lie to your parents about why he isn't coming? Just tell the truth.
The silent treatment is for children. If that sets a new precedent in the relationship then it’s only a matter of time until it’s done for good. Arguments and disagreements need to be handled constructively, not destructively.
I’d say see how circle back with this dude when he sobers up and gets some sleep. If he’s apologetic and remorseful then acknowledge that you’re disappointed in him, but want to move past it. If this happens again, then you might need to escalate and maybe end things, who knows.
Honestly, without actually knowing you two, it’d be impossible to get the advice you need from an internet message board.
Runnergrl wrote:
Go to your parents by yourself. Tell them he is sick. This is the truth.
Don’t talk to him for a few days. He put you in an awkward position. Have a talk with him when you cool off.
If he does it again drop him.
This is excellent straightforward advice and nothing else needs to be said about it. You also could have come up with this response on your own. I assume if your boyfriend is going to an all-night party that you are in college. Having something important to do midday on Sunday is normal in college. You just tell your parents that "he has something to do and can't get out of it." It's not like he was leaving you in an awkward situation, they are your parents.
Sneak in while he's sleeping and castrate that motherf/@ker.
If he's gonna wonder around all night like he ain't go not girl to answer to, like he can do whateva wheneva he wants, like a Sunday brunch with your senile parents isn't the greatest event to look forward to, then have this impudent piece of scum drawn and quartered, then remove his philandering unit so that he'll drift eternally in the spirit world as a disgraced eunuch.
Gramps wrote:
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
OK I know posting on Letsrun isn't the best for advice but there are occasionally some nuggets here so here goes. I am also sure I'll get people blaming me as is the case with this website but hopefully there is still some good advice there.
My boyfriend was supposed to come to lunch at my parents today (they've met before so this isn't the first time but it is not something that happens super regularly). He went to a party last evening and then I got a text around 6-7 AM saying he just got back from the party and didn't think he'd feel okay enough to come to lunch. He also did add he feels really bad about it and about disappointing my parents and if there's anything he can do to make up for it.
I'm feeling annoyed and also upset that I now have to make up excuses to my parents about it. I also can't tell my parents "maybe dinner or " works better because he's sleeping right now and won't be able to confirm that. To be fair, this is the first time something like this has happened (he doesn't go to these types of parties regularly at all, this was a birthday party for a friend). Any suggestions on how to deal with this? It seems to me that it doesn't make sense to get angry/yell but I do want to convey my disappointment.
I' d Wonder if he hooked up with a hottie and shes still with him.
Yeah 'all night party' ;)
Unless you are on MDMA nobody stays out till 7am.
Guy in late 20s wrote:
Let me tell you that if you invited me out with your parents I would be honored and take it semi seriously mostly focusing on the fact of just being there with your family.
I dont know your boyfriend, his priorities and his value system but I dont know if I would ever cancel on a significant other six hours in advance due to lack of sleep and alcohol. If I were in his shoes Id wake up after a few hours, go for a jog, get some sleep, clean up, meet with you and your parents for a sunday brunch and then try to take you home with me for a sunday nap. All good things.
In every obstacle there lies an opportunity. This young man flaked due to a self induced form of uncertainty and his absence will make you feel bad with your parents today. I understand because a girlfriend did that to me on my birthday once and then stopped talking for the day because I called her out and she didnt want to deal with it.
Dont break up with him yet and be careful not to charge at him with anger. Ignore confrontation this time and call it STRIKE ONE. But if he does it again STRIKE THREE and throw him out because he should be sharing time with you and honoring his committment on plans.
Have you thought that bf maybe doesn't want to meet the parents yet?
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
"Guy in late 20s" sounds like the type of guy I would date. My boyfriend in general definitely falls under "nice guy." The reason I don't think this one event is immediate grounds for break up is because he has always made past commitments and is extremely respectful in general. But this is absolutely something to address, to not set a precedent.
what precedent? Him having fun with a friend on his friends birthday?
there's probably a 99% chance he dreads these all day hangouts with your parents and he's sucked it up so far because he likes you. You are going to punish him for missing ONE? It's only been a year and it sounds like this is fairly common expectation that you put on him?
You and your mom sound really pushy. You told her he was sick and her solution was that he come over anyway and she'd solve it with some soup? lol . Any reasonable person would get the hint and let a person rest.
If you keep this up you won't have to worry about breaking up with him, he will be gone.
And you next guy will disappoint you too..........eventually. Maybe leave the toilet seat up once after YEARS of doing it right.
I wouldn't worry too much about conveying your dissapointment.....chances are you are pretty good at it. Maybe even as good as you are at trolling.
Just curious, how many of these dinners has he already had with your family. 3 in the first year would seem excessive.
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
OK I know posting on Letsrun isn't the best for advice but there are occasionally some nuggets here so here goes. I am also sure I'll get people blaming me as is the case with this website but hopefully there is still some good advice there.
My boyfriend was supposed to come to lunch at my parents today (they've met before so this isn't the first time but it is not something that happens super regularly). He went to a party last evening and then I got a text around 6-7 AM saying he just got back from the party and didn't think he'd feel okay enough to come to lunch. He also did add he feels really bad about it and about disappointing my parents and if there's anything he can do to make up for it.
I'm feeling annoyed and also upset that I now have to make up excuses to my parents about it. I also can't tell my parents "maybe dinner or " works better because he's sleeping right now and won't be able to confirm that. To be fair, this is the first time something like this has happened (he doesn't go to these types of parties regularly at all, this was a birthday party for a friend). Any suggestions on how to deal with this? It seems to me that it doesn't make sense to get angry/yell but I do want to convey my disappointment.
8/10.
You got to page 3, well done.
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
He went to a party last evening and then I got a text around 6-7 AM saying he just got back from the party
You realize he cheated on you, right?
annoyed girlfriend wrote:
The problem is that he's sleeping around now and I don't know when he'll wake up so I can't really confirm anything with him about future plans right now.
So, is he "sleeping around, now," or is he "sleeping, around now?"