Unless you’re in Illinois or Missourah, I’m not lie censed in your state
Unless you’re in Illinois or Missourah, I’m not lie censed in your state
None of that was short, and it certainly wasn't sweet. If you have kids, step up and mend your marriage. Your kids are worth it.
100% get a lawyer for the divorce, if it is an unavoidable event. Also, 100% try to save the marriage. Divorces really, really screw kids up. Even with the best of divorce situations. May not think so now, but divorces are like psychological bombs to young kids.
Its really common for women to want to move back close to their parents after having kids. They often growup with dreams of having husbands that resemble those in romantic movies - always there for their kids and wives, no outside "man" time, watching musicals together, being openly emotional, surprise flowers and presents, and so on. When real husbands fail to meet the standards of these dream husbands in movies, women often just want to move back home and raise their kids with their parents to be "happy".
A divorce is going to cost you lots of $$$$, and sharing custody of the kids is a huge pain, and terrible for the kids. Most people here have been giving you great advice. Stay together or get a lawyer.
Think entourage season 8 . Get a bang in... then get back into your marriage.
Whatever you do... for god's sake, separate your finances right away, and document it. If she's going to get half, make sure she doesn't spend all your common funds first.
Wow...amazing advice. Thank you!
I feel for you, man.
Sounds like a full plate for sure. Run 4:30 am, work all day, do most of the chores and pay ALL the bills??!!
What the hell does she even do all day? Lazy ass stay at home moms.
Get rid of her and get a woman with some ambition. Not some angry lesbo runner type wife, but one who has a purpose in life. You don’t make HER happy??!
What the hell does she do to make you happy? She sounds fat also....
justanotherstatistic wrote:
A. Hello all, before I talk with a lawyer and as I still try to process everything I've come here for advice. I'll keep it short and sweet.
B. After 8 years of marriage my wife has asked for a divorce. I first realized how bad things were about a year ago. We've tried working through things but she isn't happy. She asked me to change certain things about myself, which I have done and she has recognized that I have done, but says she still isn't happy and wants to move forward with her life without me. I still love her very much, but over the last 3 months I've come to realize that our marriage is over. Neither of us have ever cheated or been involved in a domestic dispute or anything wild, we've simply grown apart.
C. I'm more introverted than my wife probably realized when we were dating (I had stopped running then). When I picked up running last year to help deal with all this stress it just pissed her off more as she only saw it as more time away from her. My wife wants a man that's going to sit on the couch all weekend and watch musicals and love stories, and that just isn't me.
D. Here's my dilemma....we have lived in Colorado for the past 6 years & my wife wants to take the kids and move back "home" to be near her family in Nebraska. I have a great job here and recently got my 2nd promotion. I make enough money to live comfortably which has (since we got married) afforded my wife the opportunity to be a "stay at home mom." In the last 4 years my wife has started her own business (she's an "artist") and makes about $25k a year (zero of which she contributes to any bills or living expenses).
E.I'm TRYING really hard not to be a jerk, but there is ZERO chance I'm letting her take our kids out of state, not a chance. Everything we own is in my name. I told her that I would sign her vehicle over to her so that it's in her name and that I will pay for a place for her to live for 1 year while she gets on her feet on her own for the first time in life. I also agreed that I would give her 50% of my 401k as of today, which would be about $15k (am I overreaching here?).
F. We are trying to do this WITHOUT spending a ton fighting in court. I'm trying to do the "right" things while at the same time not screwing myself over. The only debt we have is our mortgage. I make about $85k per year and save as much as possible. Really just looking for some guidance and where to start as my whole life has been spinning out of control lately and sadly, running is the only thing keeping me grounded right now. I'm 34 years old and my wife is 29. Never thought I'd be "starting over."
Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer. The following is advice from someone with no formal education in law or the laws of your state.
A. very stupid of you, first person you go to should be your lawyer, not letsrun
B. irrelevant. She could have cheated on you with every guy in town and it would be the same in the eyes of the law.
C. Good thing running is a cheap hobby. You're not going to be able to afford to do much else when your wife takes all your money.
D. Court isn't going to care. Your wife says she wants to take the kids to be closer to their grandparents/extended family. They could be the worst people in the world, yet the court will rule thats best for the kids. Based on the income disparity between you and your ex-wife, you will likely be paying child support + alimony. Thats right, your ex-wife will get to do nothing while you pay for her to live.
E. Its not up to you. If you say your ex wife can and can't do things, you will get screwed in the divorce on a lot more than what you do or do not want your ex wife to do.
F. You mean you are trying to do it without spending a ton, because you are being a moron. If your wife doesn't want to spend a lot of money on a lawyer (but you do) there is an above zero chance that your desire that your kids not be taken away to Oklahoma becomes a reality or you could have some sort of joint custody. If you continue making bad decisions in regards to your divorce, your kids will go to live in Oklahoma and you'll rarely see them. Maybe a few days a year, paid for them to travel to you on your dime.
OP you have made and are making some bad decisions in regards to your impending divorce. You need to stop assuming you're going to have an amical divorce; sure its possible, but more likely than not, you're going to get screwed. You need to go a lawyer, not letrsun. You're taking advice from freaking children who got tired of playing fortnite for the day and kids home from college on winter break. Think they know about divorce law, or do you think an expert in divorce law, a divorce lawyer (hello! wake up!) . You need to go into this with the mindset that your ex-wife is trying to screw you and mooch off of you for the rest of her life.
I hope reading this has realized you aren't playing this intelligently and the next thing you do is get a divorce lawyer. If someone were trying to take my kids away, I'd never just assume everything is going to be all honky dory and my wishes would be respected. I'd fight like hell to make sure that doesn't happen and utilize learned experts who I could pay to help me get a fair shake. You do you though op, its only your childrens' futures at stake.
step up and be a father wrote:
None of that was short, and it certainly wasn't sweet. If you have kids, step up and mend your marriage. Your kids are worth it.
Counterpoint, I have way too many unpleasant memories of my parents fighting. I would have preferred they had gotten divorced if they were only staying together for me and my sister (who feels the same way).
ohhhhboy wrote:
sorry dude, what a bummer. She is going to put you into the poor house. She is going to alienate you from the kids your friends, neighbors etc. The court will always side with the mother and the children and she will return to court countless times to modify the judgement. She owns half of everything...period and she will get more than half. You cannot "agree" to anything, the court will decide and you can agree to that, you won't have a choice. I guarantee the wording the opposing attorney will use is going to put you thru the roof "protection order" She wants those kids away from a "abusive, unresponsive" father. Divorce gets ugly, be proactive, be offensive first. Attorneys make more $$ as this thing drags out and some will drag it out. The retainer fee is just a estimate and you will far exceed the retainer until you have to cut your losses and agree to her BS.
Running is therapy, start do Ultra training
As a divorced person and a couple therapist...
It can very much help to have a third party (who isn’t a lawyer and is invested in your relationship’s success) help you to unpick the pattern you are stuck in. At this point of hopelessness, contempt and unilateral actions, your marriage needs a major intervention. You’ve both started looking out for “I” (lawyers and big moves). Your family needs you to be a “we” again. If you can’t make it work, I guess you’ll figure it out. But look at the responses in this thread and the sort of bitterness that lives on in people years and years after their divorce if healing doesn’t happen and the home becomes a battleground.
Naturally, relationships go through phases and people grow and change. There is a way for both of you to evolve and to stay connected. But you can’t do it without emotional intimacy. You need an expert in communication and vulnerability - right at the moment when you are both at your most guarded. It’s tough work and you need to be engaged in it, but it’s natural for there to be some ambivalence.
There’s science to relationship therapy.. We know what helps and what hurts. We know what’s likely happening in your brain and heart when you feel stuck in this way.
You’re in Colorado. If you’re in Denver I can recommend a great therapist for you. You can email me.
Great advice. Marriage counseling is the way to go. Not sure if OP is living separated from his wife, but just saying, having your kids only 50% of the time sucks. And you have no influence on what kind of person your wife will pick for a partner...
CaDevorcee wrote:
Think First wrote:
Avoid getting lawyers involved if at all possible. They will suck the money right out of you and prolong everything. Is Colorado a community property state? That is a big factor. Do they have an online state child support calculator like CA does? You can still negotiate it but it will give you an idea of what she may ask for.
Excellent advice!
1) Work with her while you educating yourself
2) Explain that you want to come on an agreement together
3) Understand what she will likely be awarded by state law
4) Be fair / generous, it's much cheaper than lawyers
5) If she lawyers up you have to as well
Lawyers are very expensive and in the end just follow the rules of your state.
This ^ is excellent advice. Much of what you've read on here is BS by ignorant and/or bitter men.
Do NOT lawyer up unless/until she does first. Getting lawyers involved never makes things better for anyone (besides the lawyers). Of course, if she gets a lawyer involved then you will have to follow suit. But don't be the one to start down that path.
Lawyers, besides being blood sucking parasites, live off of conflict. Take any potential conflict that you and your wife have right now and it WILL be blown up by a factor of 10x as soon as a lawyer gets involved. That's how they make their living - building up conflict and then getting paid to defend your interests against a conflict that they invented or exasperated. Your lawyer will scare the living bejeezus out of you with regards to what her lawyer will do. Hers will do the same. And they will both be laughing their way to the bank while they shred the lives of you, your ex and most importantly, your children.
Posts on this site about this topic asking for advice.
Hell if I were your wife I’d want to divorce you too.
justanotherstatistic wrote:
In the last 4 years my wife has started her own business (she's an "artist") and makes about $25k a year (zero of which she contributes to any bills or living expenses).
This makes me think she's been planning divorce for awhile. Has she been saving this money in an account you don't have access too?
I'm sorry. You actually sound really nice, decent. Are you sure there's no way forward with your marriage? Can you say to her that splitting up may be worse than what you have now? It should only be over if one of you - or both - is absolutely sure.
To the person who said the wife does nothing - try raising two kids 24/7 and then get back to me. Work is a break compared to that. I don't fully agree with the laws in the US FWIW but I do think that effort in raising children should be recognised. You can't have it both ways. Too many women give up careers 100% to look after children for e.g. 16 years+ and that's encouraged, yet have nothing to show for it afterwards. If you don't think it's work look after a few kids for 24 hours. There is a reason why childcare is so expensive (supply and demand).
OP what do you think the root of this is? She misses home? Has she not settled where you are? Is she unhappy? Were you in love? Talk to her, really talk to her, find out what's going on. What is SHE doing to make things better. It's OK suggesting things you can do to improve but she needs to do that also, otherwise it isn't fair.
Do you spend time together?
Do you go out on dates or do fun things together?
It sounded like her main problem was "more time away from her" - now obviously some time is really reasonable, you're the main breadwinner, of course you're going to be away for ages for travel and work. But is it that you're spending all weekend running or at races and don't want to spend time with her (genuinely asking, you said in your post you love her so I presume this isn't the case). Do you avoid her?
Could you watch films together that aren't musicals and love stories? I wouldn't like watching those quite honestly. Maybe you could watch something in the middle.
If running is the ONLY thing keeping you grounded right now you need to change that and fast. What happens if you get injured? What happens if you can't run for six months? You fall apart?
To me it sounds like she is bored. Spend more time together, do things together. Go to a lake or hiking. Learn how to paddle board. Talk to her. Go away on holiday if you can. Do not go to visit her family, that's one thing I will say.
The people writing advice here are well meaning and the empathy is laudable, but the reality is that once a wife has written the husband off i.e. perceives him as more of a liability than an asset, there are realistically almost zero chances that her mind will change, no matter how many innovative activities the despondent husband throws in to try to salvage the impending separation.
The OP should lawyer up, and actually not all lawyers are unethical leeches, there are some good ones out there...the o.p. needs to do his due diligence in that regard.
In the U.S. this type of scenario is common and there are solutions.
Good luck.
Ghost in China
track chick wrote:
To the person who said the wife does nothing - try raising two kids 24/7 and then get back to me.
OP what do you think the root of this is? She misses home? Has she not settled where you are?
Yep, sounds like she's sacrificed quite heavily and does not feel cared for herself. Typical scenario.
I would like to offer the OP hope, but in my own personal experience (through friends, colleagues and family, over a few decades of observation), if one partner has checked out, the chances of reversing course are very, very low.
It sounds to me like the OP has unrealistic expectations that the path forward will be friendly. With kids at stake, and such a large discrepancy in income, I expect the OP has some hard lessons ahead.
I hope I'm wrong and I wish the OP and his kids good luck!
Is your wife selling LuLaRoe?