My live in girlfriend of 7 years not invited to join family potrait

shack yer booty wrote:

so whats a family wrote:

My mom is forcing her definition of family on me.

I'm not going to allow my girlfriend to be excluded. I'm not doing the portrait.

Translation: I'm forcing my definition on my mom. So there. Na nanny boo boo. I know you are but what am I. Marriage is just a piece of paper. And it's so important to me to not have that piece of paper that I'll alienate my mom rather than just go ahead and get that meaningless piece of paper. In your face mom. You're just dumb and stupid. I'm a big boy now and you're not the boss of me, you old poopy pants.

Nope. The mother should have just said it's a family portrait and let the family decide who's in.

so whats a family wrote:

Now here's the kicker. Now my girlfriend doesn't want to be in it because she feels she is not wanted. I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Lesson #1. Don't go to bat for your partner and not check with your partner first. You fought the good fight for her, probably without checking with her. This is basic communication that you'd better learn.

Lesson #2. Take a couple of friends to city hall and get married. Done. We all know there's waaaaaaaaaay more going on with you and your SO regarding being married. Deal with it and move on, no matter what that looks like.

Marriage is a legal and cultural "thing." There is no getting around that. Make it your own.

There's some decent advice a post or two above this one.

sjsshzh wrote:

letsrunning wrote:

I should also mention that my wife and I had a private wedding, with no "family" in attendance. I only told them about it years later, when they may have asked at some point. As far as we were concerned, it was none of their business.

One has to win one's independence, and often has to fight to maintain it.

If you don't have a "family", then who is "they"?

You're a sandwich short of a full picnic if you couldn't get that.

wejo wrote:

And did the OP say he wants to spend his life with his girlfriend? I assume when you say " agreeing to spend your lives together" you meant in the future. That probably is causing the problem with his mother. HIs mother sees no commitment for the future and considers that the key to being part of the family. If the OP says to her I "plan to spend my life with her" that might placate his mother but then she might say "why not get married?" If he goes to her and says "mom- I consider my girlfriend to be family, I want her in the picture." she may agree. He can always say, "I won't be in the picture without her." The OP gets to decide if he's in the picture. He doesn't get to decide if his GF is in the picture.

Wejo brings up good points. You refer to her as your live-in girlfriend, not as your long-term girlfriend or partner or whatever else.

Perhaps your mother thinks of her as someone you're not committed to but just coasting along with. If that's the case, I'd have to agree with your mother. I wouldn't include my boyfriend in my family photo even though my sister's length of time dating/marriage with her husband is shorter than mine. The difference is the 'life-long commitment' whatever that may be.

That being said, do what you want. You're a grown man. But it's not a black and white issue.

"Marriage is a legal and cultural "thing." There is no getting around that. Make it your own."

I agree totally with this statement, which has a rather deeper meaning than you might think. I encourage you to think about it.

"Don't go to bat for your partner and not check with your partner first."

This is also excellent advice.

letsrunning wrote:

"Marriage is a legal and cultural "thing." There is no getting around that. Make it your own."

I agree totally with this statement, which has a rather deeper meaning than you might think. I encourage you to think about it.

"Don't go to bat for your partner and not check with your partner first."

This is also excellent advice.

Agree with both as well except want to add that if marriage isn't for you, don't get married. Just because it is a legal and 'cultural' thing doesn't mean it's for you.

Jute wrote:

It defines it according to mom.

And good for her! And hope she tells her whiny son to stick it if he doesn't like it.

letsrunning wrote:

I should also mention that my wife and I had a private wedding, with no "family" in attendance. I only told them about it years later, when they may have asked at some point. As far as we were concerned, it was none of their business.

One has to win one's independence, and often has to fight to maintain it.

What a hero.

Thanks.

my family photos always have a fart cloud behind me

What's a "potrait"?

Andromede wrote:

But it's not a black and white issue.

Maybe that's exactly what it is.

he's afraid of the PNS.

It's your mom's project, and she, not you, gets to decide whether your girlfriend is "family" for the purpose of the portrait.

The criterion that childrens' SOs have to be married or engaged to their children to be part of the "family" is valid in our culture, even if *you* think it's old fashioned and unreasonable. If she excluded your girlfriend because of race, nationality, or religion, it would be a completely different story.

And a marriage is not just a piece of paper, even if some treat it that way.

You don't have to like it, and you don't have to sit for the photo. Quit your whining.

reality check .... wrote:

It's your mom's project, and she, not you, gets to decide whether your girlfriend is "family" for the purpose of the portrait.

The criterion that childrens' SOs have to be married or engaged to their children to be part of the "family" is valid in our culture, even if *you* think it's old fashioned and unreasonable. If she excluded your girlfriend because of race, nationality, or religion, it would be a completely different story.

And a marriage is not just a piece of paper, even if some treat it that way.

You don't have to like it, and you don't have to sit for the photo. Quit your whining.

As another poster stated, mom gets to decide who is excluded but can force anyone to participate. Mom's definition of family doesn't trump the son's. If he thinks his family is disrespected he can't be forced to participate.

I believe that's what "you don't have to sit for the photo" means.

Your lifestyle is a disgrace to your family. If you want your family to consider your girlfriend part of the family, marry her and stop living together in sin.

You can have your girlfriend in the picture once you call her your wife. The fact that you are still calling her a girlfriend indicates you are lacking in commitment. BTW, my brother had a live-in SO for many years and he and everyone else called her his wife even though they weren't married.

You know, if you had not made a big fuss to begin with there would not now be hurt feelings on probably both sides. Did it ever occur to you that your girlfriend did not need or care to be in the picture? If she really wanted in I can see you making a fuss, but if she didn't care, why did you? Now you've created a situation where there probably wasn't one before.