Epidemic of attractive 30-somethings getting cheated on by their husbands

I don't understand why everyone here assumes infidelity means divorce. For plenty of couples, this is not the case. In the words of Dan Savage, "Think of monogamy as sobriety, not virginity. If you’re with your partner for 40-50 years and they only cheat a couple of times, s/he was really good at monogamy! If you cheat once, it’s not like you can never be monogamous again. You fall off the wagon, but you can get back on. The expectation of decades worth of monogamy is ridiculous, and you shouldn’t make or extract promises that are that hard to keep. "

dan savage wrote:

I don't understand why everyone here assumes infidelity means divorce. For plenty of couples, this is not the case. In the words of Dan Savage, "Think of monogamy as sobriety, not virginity. If you’re with your partner for 40-50 years and they only cheat a couple of times, s/he was really good at monogamy! If you cheat once, it’s not like you can never be monogamous again. You fall off the wagon, but you can get back on. The expectation of decades worth of monogamy is ridiculous, and you shouldn’t make or extract promises that are that hard to keep. "

This society programs women to be pissed and want divorce if there is an infidelity.

In Europe...it is kind of expected.

Two major studies, same stats, USA or Europe, only ten percent of those who are married are actually happy/in love.

Still we flog the myth.

It was nice to get out and be social but I wished you had come

just a normal dude wrote:

I think people cheat on purpose, in an almost self-destructive way, in an attempt to sabotage a relationship they're not getting emotional fulfillment from.

So you're basically saying they're a lot like bed-wetters.

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but always because there is something lacking in their marriage. You are assuming that the men have strayed because the woman is not giving them what they want. The women are not giving them what they want because the men are not doing what they should be doing to have a strong marriage. When kids come along the woman works much harder to keep things together but kids take up much of their time. Instead of helping out the men complain and go elsewhere. Men, help your wife out, pay attention to her and you will have everything that you want. Be the man for a change within your marriage. That is all it takes. Women shut it off because they get tired of having another child--you--to take care of in addition to their real children.

Those of you who are in good marriages have figured that out.

I am in a good marriage and your reply is the only one in the entire thread that is correct. These other replies are simply deflect and rationalize the men's cheating.

Cheating has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in the marriage.

Women can't simply give a man what he wants because at the end of the day, what men want, is to sleep with as many women as possible. If this wasn't what men wanted, we wouldn't behave that way as single guys.

Once married, men are fighting "doing what they want" and "being faithful."

As one poster said, it ends up coming down to self discipline. The OP said he wouldn't want to "lose it all" because he banged a chick, he never said that he didn't want to bang new chicks.

Men will ALWAYS want to bang new chicks. No matter how happy they are in a marriage, this is always the case. It ends up coming down to the character of the husband only -- not the efforts of the woman (most of the time).

No sense trying to analyze a man-child. The reason can be summed up in one word - egocentricity.

I think it needs to be pointed out that, while this is true in some cases, it is not true in all if not most cases. There are guys helping out a lot around the house and still getting shut off. It doesn't justify cheating. If you want to be with someone else, get a divorce or better yet, don't get married in the first place. However, it does raise the question of, if someone is no longer intimate with you, how much are you really cheating? You should also know that there was a recent study revealing that men who do more around the house and participate more in "traditionally female" roles get less sex. I'm too lazy to provide a link, but I read it recently and I'm sure you could google it. Again, not saying what you say isn't true in some cases.

This^. Contrary to belief, women actually get bored faster fvcking in a mono relationship than men. The post nuptial shutoff almost always soon follows. There are of course some rare exceptions, but they are indeed that...rare. Human beings are sexual beings, so if they're not getting the fvcking they need at home, they are most assuredly going to look elsewhere....and this includes women as well. Anyone that believes women aren't fvcking just as much on the sly are completely oblivious to life.

Totally agree.

might be wejo wrote:

Looks and skill in the sack don't necessarily correlate.

"Fat chicks try harder."

If a guy cheats, he's cheating with a woman who knows he's married, is married herself or oblivious.

If it's a work place romance, she definitely knows he's married.

And she doesn't care, because it's all about competition.

You are a troll too. Not be tempted by a 18-20 college student that you are teaching is pretty normal. That is very different than not being tempted by a coworker in the mid20's.You would know that if this was a honest post.

Totally agree with this. But.. It's most commonly men that are caught having affairs, women must be better at getting away with it because it takes 2 to tango. How do they manage it?

i am curious wrote:[/

I read in a book where men want to feel and be treated like warriors. An independent woman who is educated can make some guys feel like they aren't needed and don't have a reason to stay.

I think it is a valid point. Do independent, educated women need men?

Absolutely! The world has changed because women don't have to depend on men to provide financially. They have their social network and family for their emotional and social needs.

So what does the guy provide that no one else can? As a woman, it feels like their isn't a word to describe it. A married coworker had a bad week at work. Her family and friends and colleagues couldn't help her feel better. But when her husband came to visit at dinnertime and they just sat together for 20 minutes, she was all better. A woman needs her man's presence like she needs her morning coffee.

There's no denying that we are sexual beings,whether we're talking about a woman in her 30's who is super horny or guys who can't get enough. But we're missing a central ingredient in this discussion.

LOVE

An ealier poster already alluded to it in referring to his life partner or soulmate.

This is not any kind of love, but true love, and what we are seeing in society is a proliferation of loveless marriages. People who got married and were never in love to begin with.

Exclusivity within a romantic relationship is intrinsic to both lovers, and indeed a mutual expectation.

I would even go as far to say that acts of infidelity are more often forgiven by the man or woman who is inextricably bound by the sincerest form of love there is.

Happy are thhose who find it, I haven't...yet

LaVayen wrote:

Been There, Done That wrote:

This^. Contrary to belief, women actually get bored faster fvcking in a mono relationship than men. The post nuptial shutoff almost always soon follows. There are of course some rare exceptions, but they are indeed that...rare. Human beings are sexual beings, so if they're not getting the fvcking they need at home, they are most assuredly going to look elsewhere....and this includes women as well. Anyone that believes women aren't fvcking just as much on the sly are completely oblivious to life.

Totally agree with this. But.. It's most commonly men that are caught having affairs, women must be better at getting away with it because it takes 2 to tango. How do they manage it?

I can tell you exactly how they manage it. Men rarely, if ever, suspect their wives or SO of cheating until it's completely in their face and well known by everyone in town. Women, as a rule, always suspect men of the possibility (even before it happens) and have built in radar.

I would disagree with this whole-heartedly. We are actually in the generation where people attempt to get married for love and that alone is unsustainable as a relationship binder.

In history, marriage was a business deal between two families.

This is where the "wait until you get married to get her pregnant" thinking came.

Then it moved to finding a life partner -- generally a stay-at-home wife, have kids and keep a solid family foundation. That's where the traditions of "if you get her pregnant, you have to marry her" started.

Now, it's not about family or kids for some, so if you don't love the person exclusively, they won't marry. So, in some cases, they marry the person they love and that person is a terrible business partner. The love breaks down. Because of this, we have less successful marriages and weaker family structures. Now it is " if you get her pregnant, but don't love her, you don't have to marry her but be a father to your child."

There has to be a balance. You should "love your business partner."

This, once again, comes down to self discipline. If you want a successful business / partnership / marriage, ideally, you would also not want to do anything to ruin that.

Love does not make men lose the desire for extra-marital female sex. Men just have to either accept the fact that they can't get everything they want (can't cheat) or do it anyway and potentially bring down the business.