What is the funniest joke ever?

Funniest joke in Maine...

One day, Eephus and his wife Effie weren't getting along. While Effie was in the kitchen, Eephus walked in carrying a sheep and exclaimed, "This is the pig I have to make love to when we're not getting along." Effie replied, "Oh, Eephus, that's not a pig, it's a sheep." Eephus answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Comic Sans walks into a bar the bartender says "Get out! We don't want your type in here."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" The woman says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."

A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Gimme a beer and a mop."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

A man walks into a wedding reception. He goes up to the bartender and asks, "Is this the punch line?"

The Splendid Slender wrote:

What is Green and sings?

Elvis Parsley!!! ROFL!!!

Who was purple, and conquered the world?

Alexander the grape!

Held back in 4th grade wrote:

What did the Spanish fireman name his twin boys?

José and Jos-B.

What kind of ears do engines have?

Engineers!

Physics Humor wrote:

Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"

"No, I lost an electron!" the second atom answered.

"Are you sure?" the first atom asked.

The second atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Two psychiatrists met while walking down the street.

One of them looked very carefully at the other, and then said, "you're fine! How am I???"

a guy walks in to a shrink's office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. without even talking to the guy or looking at his file, doctor yells out, "woah! I can CLEARLY see YOUR(E) nuts!"

One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, I have these really bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches, I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies "Doc, you were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

WIFE: "Would you get married again if I died?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not."

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Well, yes, of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, maybe I would get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look on her face)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you still live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Well, I suppose so. It's a nice house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Well, I guess I would. Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "Of course not."

WIFE: "Really? Why not?"

HUSBAND: "She's left-handed."

How did Hitler tie his shoes?

With little Nazis.

A man walks into a bar with his dog. The bartender says "You can't bring a dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man," says the bartender, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me."

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man thanks him goes up to the bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "I don't think so. They don't have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

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A man walks up to the bar, and say to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can pee in this cup from across the room." The bartender looks at the man like he was nuts and says with a laugh, "OK buddy. You got a deal." So the man walks over to the other side of the room, pulls down his zipper and just lets it fly. Pee goes everywhere -- on the bar, on customers, all over the bartender, but not a drop lands in the cup.

The man walks back over to the bartender. The bartender says, "Ha ha ha. Well pay up." So the man pays him, turns around and begins to laugh hysterically. The bartender asks, "You just lost $500, why are you laughing?" The man turns around and says to the bartender, "Well you see that man over there." The bartender says, "Yeah." He replies, "Well, I bet him $10,000 that I could pee all over your bar and you, and that you would be happy and laugh about it!"

Cletus and Jeb are sitting on the back porch sipping moonshine and watching Jeb’s dog lick his own balls.

Cletus says, “I sure wish I could do that.”

Jeb replies, “You crazy? He’s liable to bite you!”

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”

The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

Why is it that a woman has no brains?

She doesn't have a penis to keep them in.

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

ortherwise wrote:

a guy walks in to a shrink's office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear. without even talking to the guy or looking at his file, doctor yells out, "woah! I can CLEARLY see YOUR(E) nuts!"

This is the best joke ever.

Johnny AND THE CLOWN

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Eff it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly poos his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Then you must be the horse's BUTT!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all of Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as angry as heck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phone book looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

INSULT SCHOOL

Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!

'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his bum off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a ticked off, heck bent on revenge. He give the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same stuff they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on Johnny. Johnny sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Then you must be the horse's BUTT!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched. This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and says...

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"F__K YOU, CLOWN!"

A dog walks into a bar and hops up on a stool. He looks the bartender in the eye and says, "Hey, guess what? I can talk. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? How about a drink?"

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, "Sure, the toilet's right around the corner."

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A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he'll give him a free beer for an amazing trick. The bartender agrees. The guy pulls out a hamster that begins dancing and singing.

"That is amazing!" says the bartender and gives him a beer.

"If I show you something else, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees.

The guy pulls out a small piano and a frog. The same hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer.

A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum, and the man agrees.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Ha ha ha!

Nice!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."