Getting Angry More Often, and It's Affecting My Kids

Brain tumor.

I'm in a similar boat, but just kid (a two-year-old). I find I get angry much more easily, as kids, and especially young kids, can be very trying. I think it's okay to get angry sometimes as long as it is not abusive, and I think kids need to be somewhat afraid of parents. However, feeling angry all the time is no good for you, nor your children. I find it really helps to step back and look at the big picture. Finances may not be where you want them, but you aren't destitute. You have a house, you have food to eat, you have medical care. I think about single parents and people with serious money problems, and I realize my problems. If you can still run and have no health issues, count your blessings. If your family is healthy, count them again. I also try to keep in mind kids are just kids once. Try to enjoy your kids, even when they are frustrating. I imagine we will look back one day and yearn for our kids to be small again. Hang in there, brother!

it's depression... smashing the childs toy is not down to stress

In my mid/late 30's I had a similar issue. At the urging of my wife, I sought out a therapist. Was initially prescribed some meds to take the edge off, but the long term fix was learning to meditate and some talk therapy. Realized eventually that a lack of agency in my own life was driving me nuts. In other words, I was not in control. So, I started to take control, kept meditating, started running (which is fairly meditative), and got off the meds pretty quickly... like in a year or so.

Anyhow, a good therapist is a really solid first step.

Violently destroying your kid's stuff in front of them as OP described is abusive. And your kids should not be afraid of you. They should be afraid of reasonable and proportional consequences when they misbehave or act up. Violent, unpredictable outbursts in response to a child's behavior is not reasonable.

^

Gonna give you some serious advice.

1) Huge props to you for being mindful and self-aware enough to recognize it and own it. This is like 90% of getting better, just recognizing there's a problem and wanting to do something about it. Good job.

2) Get a high quality Mg supplement and take it if you're not already. Low Mg is very common and is associated with irritability, emotional instability, poor sleep, etc. Stress decreases Mg in the body.

3) Start lifting weights. Go VERY easy at first so you don't hurt yourself, but after 8 weeks or so you can start going a bit harder. Wear yourself out in the gym. I have found this helps a ton with getting rid of negative emotions/energy.

4) Do yoga, especially hot yoga if you can.

5) Read/listen to The Power of Now. Very new agey woo-woo at times, but it's the best book out there on mindfulness.

6) Seeing a professional could be very helpful. Do that too if you can afford it and are up for it.

You'll be okay. Again, just the fact you want to fix this is hugely promising.

Glad you recognized this as bad behavior. you need to seek help immediately.

No matter how common this behavior might be, it isn’t “normal”. getting so angry that you shatter your very young child’s toy is really terrifying, and yes, abusive.

A lot of men don’t really know how to regulate their emotions and often feel that anger is the only appropriate expression they can feel. That is unhealthy for you and frankly it’s dangerous for those around you.

you need to learn to express sadness, distress, guilt or whatever in a healthy way. And you need professional help to do so.

you also need to apOlogize to your child for what you did if you have not already done so. Show him that the behavior you modeled to him is unacceptable before he goes to school and starts bullying other kids, and throwing their possessions into a wall whenever he’s frustrated.

No, depression is when you don't get any joy from the things that used to make you happy. The next symptom wouldn't be paranoia, it would be a lack of motivation to do anything. Trust me, I know many people who've had it.

The OP is just burnt out and overwhelmed with stress. The short term solution is a vacation that includes a week-long backpacking trip in the wilderness. The long-term solution is to change jobs.

OP:

Whatever you do, don't start drinking more. In fact, I'd encourage you to stop drinking entirely, at least until you get your anger under control. Even if you don't think alcohol is causing your problems, it isn't helping. Waking up with even the slightest hangover can cause anxiety which will cause anger which creates a nasty cycle.

I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I went back to the office full-time about a year ago and it helped with the stress. My wife is at home all day and has been since March 2020 and I can tell it is having a negative impact on her.

Carve out some time for yourself every day. Whether that means running, going to the gym, smoking grass at night, whatever. 30 minutes to an hour, no phone, no kids, no wife.

Get off social media for a bit. Get off the internet for a bit. Stop worrying about things in the country/world and focus on yourself for a bit. Your family will appreciate it. Your kids will appreciate it. Your heart (your physical, beating heart) will appreciate it.

Good luck.

Dude, you need a freaking break. Like ASAP. Tonight, go on an easy run away from the crowds and bring absolutely nothing with you except your shoes and car keys. No phone, no watch, no other electronics, and no way for anyone to contact you. If you're out of shape, walk.

If you think you can't do this because your working hours are from 7 am - midnight, Monday - Saturday, call in sick and do it anyway for the sake of your mental health.

Meditate, get a good night's sleep, and see how you feel. If you're doing much better, start sending out those resumes.

My dad was angry and stressed a lot when I was growing up. It permanently affected our relationship for the worse. I’m mid-30s now and it’s clear that he regrets that we are not closer and regrets how he behaved then. I can’t say I’m interested in a closer relationship than we have and I think that causes him pain.

You have two choices. You can try to get to the bottom of what’s bothering you, and learn healthy ways to deal with it. Or you can keep on your current path and try to mend the damage later.
Good luck.

I think the key to getting past anger is becoming comfortable with the purposelessness of life. When I was in my 30s, I cared way too much about my job, running PRs, money, etc. I was generally very easy going, but would get set off once in a while and get a little road ragey or go off on someone for slow service etc. As time went on, I began to realize that none of this really matters. Spending your time getting stressed out about work, money, etc. isn't going to change anything and will just make you miserable. In life, you get what you get and you don't complain. Whenever something comes up that gets your feathers ruffled, just let it go and move on to something else. As soon as your brain starts racing about how you can't afford a bigger house, go rake some leaves or walk the dog and listen to a silly podcast (highly recommend Episode 1 podcast).

Did you ever talk to your dad about like 20 years later?

I think in general it's hard to parent without spanking. We are trying to reason with someone who is irrationally upset. Losing it throwing something is better than the alternatives.

In the past, there was likely nothing irrational in your life like this on a daily basis. Like, I'll play with my son for two hours and then he'll say, "You're mean, I don't like you." What? In the adult world, something like that never happens as it's irrational.

As a parent, it happens all the time. I think it's great you are aware of this. Not sure of the solution. As I tell my son all the time, "Life's not perfect."

Some people have made some good points. Before you have kids, life is all about you. You hav tons of me time. With a career and kids, it's almost never about you. You are doing everything for the kids and they aren't necessarily as appreciative as you'd like them to be. Frustrating.

I think my dad took some mild antidepressants around 40. I'd say awaya from the drugs and try to have a little me time.

The comments towards the end of this page are pretty solid, but some of these comments, frankly make me a bit sad.

I appreciate the poster who pointed out that 1. Throwing and shattering a young child's favorite toy out of anger is going to teach that kid that that's an appropriate way to handle frustration and might thus, turn him into a bully. I also think it IS really important for you to apologize to your kids when you do something wrong to them, and that was just that. You talk irrational Rojo? it's completely irrational to throw a toy and break it because you're frustrated. Be an adult.

2. Guys. men. Boys. Gather round. When people talk about men having and showing healthy emotions, we are not trying to "feminize" you. We are literally trying to stop you from doing destructive things like this, and only relying on anger and anger alone. Running to blow off steam, or lifting, or yoga, or realizing that life is meaningless, or any of those suggestions might stave off an underlying issue for a brief period of time, but it can't be the only thing you do or rely on. if you are displaying violent behavior in front of your kids and you are angry all the time then YOU NEED TO GET HELP. See a therapist. Learn coping skills. These things don't have to be the norm.

3. For the people who have said well my dad did x and I got over it, well you don't know how OP's child is going to react to seeing this. Everyone is different.

4. kids are irrational. being a role model for healthy behavior and showing them compassion is really important in raising healthy, emotionally secure adults.

5. Parenting is hard. Which is why getting help to be your healthiest self is important.

nbcnews.com

Here’s what spanking does to your kids. None of it is good, pediatricians say.

NBCNews

"Discipline older children by temporarily removing favorite privileges, such as sports activities or playing with friends."

Open link

I know it's like very trendy for boomer/gen x to lament the loss of spanking but it's really bad for kids, and probably good for adults to take their day to day frustration out on someone a lot smaller than them.

I dont think I have anything to offer here that hasn't already been said. Wanted to reply because OP sounded exactly like the situation I was in 9 months ago. I could have written the post myself. I'm a little better now, but still struggling. Know you are not alone. My middle child is tough, like really tough. He has some anxiety issues at 3 years old that we haven't been great about adjusting to as parents. We've moved, had our third kid, and started a new job in the last year.

Some really good advice on here. I'm going to use it and improve, but self improvement should always be an ongoing process. Social media is tearing at the fabric of society and we are trying to adjust in real time.