Honest question: what responsibilities do you have in your life right now?
You say you have nothing to look forward to and then cite a bunch of externalities. So, I am genuinely curious what YOU are doing in your life right now? Not, what your life is doing to you.
And I ask this as a 33 year old who struggled with suicidal ideation and depression in my late teens into early 20’s. Mid-30’s, busy as ever with work, married, dogs to tend to, trying to have kids, mortgage to pay and I’m living a more fulfilling life than I could have imagined just a few short years ago when I was nihilistically focused on all that was wrong in the world around me.
From the somewhat grievances you laid out, it sounds to me like may be lacking in meaningful relationships. I don’t say that to criticize; just as an observation. And I say that because I’m in your age range, have responsibilities that vie for my time, have friends with responsibilities that vie for their time, and cannot tell you the last time one of us used the phrase “hang out”. Perhaps I’m reading into it too much, but I have for sure “spent time” with my friends and their families as well as my family recently (heck, this last weekend was a crazy, whirlwind of a trip to go spend the weekend with some family and friends).
When you are married, have kids, etc every minute counts and there really are not spare moments of the day left lying around to accumulate and spend just hanging out like in our teens or 20’s. Hence, why your choice of words seemed a cue to lacking something in those areas.
And - again - that is not a criticism if you are. I just know that I was very frustrated and angry with married friends and family who had no time for me when I was younger and I recognize now that a big difference was they had shouldered immense responsibilities (ie getting married, having kids, certain careers like teaching, doctor, lawyer, etc that are fulfilling but demanding) that I had not. I was stuck in a rut somewhat of my own doing for not setting out into the world to find things I could take on that would require my time and attention too, thereby making my time and attention all the more a valuable thing to me, and thereby making my time inherently of more apparent value to myself than it was before.