Wife desires to relocate. I really don't. What would you do?

the solution is actually pretty clear.

move to the country with the stipulation that if your remote job is threatened and u can't find decent remote work eslewhere, you move back.

if you are the kind of employee they are considering for management, they won't just cut you loose because you are remote w/o giving you a chance to move back local.

if they do......then losing that job is no big deal. your prospects there weren't as good as you thought.

Soccer T's wrote:

The country is the only option for both them to get most of what they want. As a family decision, it's a no-brainer.

What? No. OP says the country is boring for him. He will be living out the rest of his life in a town he clearly doesn’t like. He will lose his job and a $30k promotion and probably more promotions.

The child is going to go to a lousy public school in Hicksville and won’t be attending the top school in the state.

Have you attended a crappy little school in the middle of nowhere? I did. They can’t get good teachers, the schools have almost no money to support themselves, nepotism is even worse in sports and the athletic programs suck, and most kids end up staying in their small towns, marrying a classmate and don’t aspire to leave their bubble.

All this so that the wife can have an extra $40k in an executive role.

Yes if you think she's beautiful, let her live her beautiful life

Many of you had weird dads.

+1

In the service I saw some active duty female officers whose husbands followed them around through their careers and it never ended well for those guys. They got jobs every move for a while but they ended up taking worse jobs than they would be qualified for if they weren't constrained. They lost their spot on the ladder and their careers didn't progress. Some quit working entirely and stayed home with the kids. These guys really seemed like hollow men in the end, just totally deflated. I'd never recommend that a man follow his wife around for her career reasons.

i would be amazed if you're still married to this person in 7 years.

It's not just about right or wrong lol.

Considering that the op really doesn't like his wife's hometown matters a lot! Probably even more than the job points.

The $ a bit better because of the lower COL, but not if you add big commutes. Cars are big expenses.. And your son will prob be fine in both schools tbh. Parents get a little too crazy about school ratings.

45 minute commute isn't awful.

Or why not just visit your current town a few weekends a month just for fun? Make a little trip out of it and get an Airbnb?

Moving your son at 6 doesn't matter much. He'll get over it. In fact this is prob the easiest time. In HS that's harder for him.

Is there some way you could enjoy your wife's hometown more? What about it don't you like?

And op take your son out of boys only school.

I did both. And actually enjoyed my all boys hs. But in retrospect, bad decision on my parents.

Dual Income / With Kid wrote:

1. I can't stand her hometown. I lived there once and I don't want to move back. She is very passionate about getting this job.

Everything else in this scenario is noise. This is the part you both need to focus on. You need to dig deeper on the whys for both of you.

What is generating the passion about getting this job? Is it the prestige/perks? Is it the salary? Is it the achievement of reaching a certain level of respect in the corporate world? Is it because she really wants to move back to her hometown and sees the job as a good cover because she knows you wouldn't do it otherwise? It is just a loyalty/commitment test?

As long as moving is on the table? Have you both considered jobs in a totally different city that will satisfy all or most of what you both want? I think limiting the location to only 2 options is your biggest barrier to finding a happy compromise.

There are lots and lots of good jobs and salaries out there for good people. I changed jobs recently after a long stretch at one job, and I was amazed by how many opportunities there were that I didn't know about before I started looking.

P.S. I don't buy the "if she continues to live in this metro area, she will never get promoted" line. If she's in line for regional VP, then she probably has lots and lots of job opportunities.

This is like watching a car accident about to unfold.

We all know you’re gonna cave in and move.

You will regret every minute of it, the weight of your bitterness will only grow with your smaller paycheck. Please post back in 1 yr when you file for divorce and move to CA to meet hot girls who are happy being realtors or whatever useless job they think is important . Career women are nuts. Please never go the stay at home dad route. You’ll begin your dying early…

Really want to know where you live.

If it's a Boston burb inside of 128 and you're moving to like southern NH or Springfield then you're being a baby. Pick a place in the middle.

gina2011 wrote:

Pick a location in the middle and you both can have a 40ish minute commute. That is doable.

A few years back, my brother got a new job in Orange County, and my sister-in-law was working in San Diego, so they moved from San Diego to Oceanside and both commuted. It worked out fine.

RuningManJumpSuit wrote:

Really want to know where you live.

If it's a Boston burb inside of 128 and you're moving to like southern NH or Springfield then you're being a baby. Pick a place in the middle.

I was reading this an thinking exactly the same thing. It has to be Metro West and moving to Springfield and the wife works for Mass Mutual. That is a complete and total non-starter for me. Move to Shrewsbury and she has an hour commute. Done.

You married a woman who puts material possessions and her ego above your kids.

You may or may not have know this when you married.

Either way that’s a bummer for you and the kids.

If her job and future promotions in her hometown were so important, why did she leave with you to go the metro area in the first place? She should have chose her personal happiness over you and the city. I'm sorry, but getting someone to commit to you and live with you in the city and then dragging them back to an area that ONLY suits her is frankly selfish.

I can't imagine my husband dragging me away from our town and my job where I'm happy, so he can just do what HE wants in the middle of nowhere.

There is a debate to be had between where you work and where you actually reside. 40-50 hours per week is spent working, the other remaining 100 hours in the week are spent where you live. So really, the job does not matter if you look at it from that perspective. Imagine having 100 hours in a week dealing with a location you hate. That is a fast track to pure misery.

Regarding schools. I'm sure he'll adapt just fine, but there is something to be said about having your child grow up in a diverse location. I'm not sure having your child go to all-boys school with priviledged kids accomplishes this, but neither does living in a cornfield with a bunch of hillbillies. But people living in or near cities are more likely to be educated and cultured and accepting of others.

If I were you, I'd stay in the city. If she really wants this job, she should get a small, cheap apartment in her hometown and come home every couple of weeks. This is a nice consolation prize for her choosing her career over you and your son.

u dun gufed wrote:

same as it ever wuz wrote:

This is Letsrun - obviously it’s the woman’s fault for being unreasonable.

The odds of this woman having any serious respect for him by knee capping him and forcing him into a beta stay at home dad position or low level job in Bumpkinville are very low. Have you ever been with a woman who has lost respect for you?

No, and I don’t agree with your (mis)characterization of the OP’s situation.

My thoughts:

If she’s an executive level talent with 15 years in, she should negotiate a 3-day in-office week on most weeks.

You all would get her an apartment in her hometown in which she would stay there for 3 nights.

But your overall, your family house stays in the metro.

divorce is looming wrote:

This is like watching a car accident about to unfold.

We all know you’re gonna cave in and move.

You will regret every minute of it, the weight of your bitterness will only grow with your smaller paycheck. Please post back in 1 yr when you file for divorce and move to CA to meet hot girls who are happy being realtors or whatever useless job they think is important . Career women are nuts. Please never go the stay at home dad route. You’ll begin your dying early…

Sort of agree:

She will move no matter what. You don’t really have a say

She will bring your kid to wherever she is moving. You don’t really have a say

If you do the apartment thing in one city thing, she will find a local guy. Once ready, she will divorce you. You don’t really have a say

She has already played all the scenarios in her head already, so she is 10 moves ahead of you

She is probably ok in you moving with her as it will provide better stability for her child

She is probably fine in you not moving right away. Not the best for the kid, but it provides her more time to plan. Either she finds a suitable partner (and she give you the goodbye) or she does not and increases pressure for you to move (taking care of a child alone is difficult)

Her job is more important than you