Anyone dated a girl with a borderline personality disorder?

Conundrum wrote:

All the comments about borderline personality disorder seem right on the mark.

But I have a question. Why is it you never hear about males with borderline personality disorder?

I'm pretty sure a guy I work with has BPD. Unfortunately, unless you are outrageously offensive or just don't show up it's really difficult to get fired from my company. Dude has a real problem with authority and blows up (yelling, gesturing, stomping around, storming out of the room) at the simplest feedback of how his work could improve. He also manipulates coworkers to take his side versus management. He's in his late 50s and has been divorced 3x.

never was steve the addict wrote:

Conundrum wrote:

All the comments about borderline personality disorder seem right on the mark.

But I have a question. Why is it you never hear about males with borderline personality disorder?

I'm pretty sure a guy I work with has BPD. Unfortunately, unless you are outrageously offensive or just don't show up it's really difficult to get fired from my company. Dude has a real problem with authority and blows up (yelling, gesturing, stomping around, storming out of the room) at the simplest feedback of how his work could improve. He also manipulates coworkers to take his side versus management. He's in his late 50s and has been divorced 3x.

I have known men with BPD. You don't hear about it as much, nor are they anywhere near as destructive as BPD women because of a lot of characteristics of the disorder. Women will use crazy awesome sex as a tool/weapon, and it is very useful against men. Men don't really have that ability with women. Also, women can get away with acting childish much more than men can. If a man throws a fit and acts like an emotional basket case, nobody has sympathy for him; they just avoid him. It forces men with BPD to either tighten themselves up a little or to be totally isolated. The BPD men I've known were almost completely isolated when I knew them. Nobody could stand them and told them so. There were definitely no women in line waiting to sleep with them. Being bad with money and having terrible finances is much less forgiven for men than it is women also. A man who can't manage money and has tons of debt is basically viewed as useless, and there's no man less attractive than one who is useless.

I could go on, but those are some big differences. Men with cluster B personality disorders tend to manifest their problems as NPD or sociopathy. Women tend to be more borderline or histrionic.

Borderline? That's why Mexico built that wall, right?

lmurr248 wrote:

If you're charismatic, self assured, or full of self esteem and think they'll never do it to you, chances are you're next in line for it. You're exactly the kind of guy they want because destroying you is a real achievement.

Thing is, this type always targets weak men who lack self-awareness. None of the stuff described on this thread would ever fly with a truly confident, comfortable, and strong guy, he would spot this type coming a mile away and easily avoid it all. Which is probably why so many runners fall prey, they tend to be beta and desperate, easy marks.

Dennis Rader wrote:

lmurr248 wrote:

If you're charismatic, self assured, or full of self esteem and think they'll never do it to you, chances are you're next in line for it. You're exactly the kind of guy they want because destroying you is a real achievement.

Thing is, this type always targets weak men who lack self-awareness. None of the stuff described on this thread would ever fly with a truly confident, comfortable, and strong guy, he would spot this type coming a mile away and easily avoid it all. Which is probably why so many runners fall prey, they tend to be beta and desperate, easy marks.

I think this is actually pretty on the nose. There's more nuance to things than meet the eye. You'd be surprised how many "alpha" guys can be brought to their knees by getting tangled up with a narcissist or BPD. They get suckered in by the manipulative tactics and crazy sex and by the time the bad behavior kicks in, they're in too deep. I think it's not just being alpha, but knowing what dangers that a romantic partner brings to the table that really allows a man to keep the dangerous personalities at bay.

StopBPDabuse wrote:

It amazes me how much society empowers BPD abuse. We're talking about a young man almost going to prison for a heinous crime and only getting off cause of a witness having a change of conscience (seriously, how long did the presumably non-BPD roommate stand by and watch fully knowing no rape had occurred?).

Because then she could become the target of abuse and psycho behavior from this person.

Does anyone have any advice for breaking up with a BPD gf.

I don't hate her, I've learned a lot about the disorder but I just don't have the patience or the emotional whatever to let this go on. It is getting to the point where it is affecting my mental health.

She lives with me (that's when our issues started, before then it was a really great relationship, i pay for the apartment). Every time I have even floated the idea of us taking a break she threatens suicide. Should i get her family involved? What should I do?

Break the lease, go find a different apartment, block her in every possible way on your phone, don't tell her until you dump her.

Invent a story about a man who threatened to harm you if you didn't disappear.

Advice for breaking up and she lives with you?

Discretely move anything that you value to a friend’s house or rent a storage unit. Hide the cutlery and maybe the forks.

Before you tell her prepare a safe place to go because she may try to drag you into an argument or fight. Decide what you want and what you want her to do and when. Be ready to leave if it gets out of hand. Stop having a physical relationship with her. Period. No sex at all. Do not try to win the discussion. There is no winner. Try to pick a time when she is in a stable mood. Tell her that you want to break up. Give her a reasonable time to be out of the apartment. If she wants to talk then listen and don’t argue. Give her time to vent and be respectful of her. Hopefully she will take it well. If she freaks out then just leave. And see what happens the next day. Don’t be drawn into her drama.

There must be some programs or support groups in your area, do the research and contact them. They will be able to give you the best advices. It’s a very serious condition and it puts you in a very serious situation. I wish you luck!

Thank you guys for the advice, it means a lot to me. I've never felt more alone in my life but at least I have you guys. I haven't told family or friends about how bad things have been because I feel like they won't understand why it is so hard to just leave.

Yesterday/last night was by far the worst. We got into an argument shortly after waking up because I stepped on some clothes she left on the floor, this lasted a bit but she got calmed down eventually. We started our Sunday task of cleaning the apartment, she cleaned the microwave and I went to got do a second go-around on it and then she got very upset, started kicking/tossing things, and I raised my voice to tell her to stop (I know I shouldn't have lost my temper). At which point she got really, really angry - she threw punches at me, so I left the apartment for a few minutes (and posted here).

I came back after less than an hour and she had started drinking, things were frustrating yet manageable while I tried to get some of the chores done. We eventually had dinner and she fell asleep when I went out to get something from the store afterward. Me coming home woke her up and she was pushed over the edge. The next 8 hours (from 11-6) were all a blur but it consisted of her hitting me repeatedly, hurting herself (cutting, hitting) ,biting me (drawing blood), and getting angry with me for not being able to do her daily video game quests (she was too drunk to play). Things came to a head when she smacked her toe on the door frame and was in a lot of pain, I was icing it for her and moved her to tge couch to lay down but she soon started blaming me for it. I've had it, physical abuse is where I draw the line. I am very surprised that the police were not called given how loud she was yelling. I'm at work right now and I need a game plan for if she texts me, calls me, or when I get home.

Obviously this all depends on her mood. Should I just tell her it's over whenever she wakes up? Or should i wait a day or two to make sure she is at least a little simmered down? Do I call her mom or sister to let them know what's up (they have seen similar things happen with her ex)?

Update (sorry if last post and this post are scattered, I'm operating on less than 2 hours of sleep). She woke up and called me - she doesn't remember most of last night, doesn't remember the worst of it but she feels like crap because she is hungover. She was apologetic (but not overly sad) and very sad, she knows she messed up, she knows that she caused a huge hassle. She wants me to come home and help her get over her hangover. I at least stood my ground and said I won't come home until I am done with work (I have a pretty flexible schedule and have done similar things in the past). This is a common pattern with her - she makes a whole thing about something and then feels really bad about it the next day, knowing that she is ruining our relationship.

I'm glad that she isn't still angry with me because that makes things easier to deal with. I feel like I don't want to break up with her today, but this is probably just because she is very helpless right now. I know that she doesn't think she's being manipulative, but to some extent she is being manipulative even is she can't recognize it.

I went over a year of our relationship without a single real argument, that was one of the best, most hopeful years of my life. Over the past ~3 months my record is a week. For a while it was only like 3 days but I've been better at de-escalating things recently (until last night). The heart of the problem is that we just live different lives, she likes schedule and I like freedom. If she didn't have bpd these two things could coexist, sure we'd get into arguments but they would be bickering, not actual fights.

What would be best is if she just moved out of my apartment and back in with her parents. That way breaking up would be a lot easier and we could both cool down for a while. I've floated the idea before and she almost took me up on it. Maybe I can try again in a few days. That would drag things out but I want to minimize the risk of harm for her, for me, and for other people close to both of us. I'll keep you guys updated as it might be helpful for other people to see what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with bpd.

As a word of advice: My biggest mistake that led to our relationship heading south was not being clear about my boundaries and my wants. If I was more clear with her months ago things would be much different now. If you are in a relationship with someone with bpd set clear boundaries, as it will help you avoid conflict.

You’re a very good person! Tip of the hat to you.

I hope everything gets straightened out soon, I hope you get support and help and I hope the same for her too.

Please don’t wait for the next episode to break up with her, it seems like it escalates further with every episodes. You mentioned her family, they could probably help you out, don’t be shy to ask. You are the victim here, you deserve all the help you can get. I understand that you care for her a lot but the important thing now is you and getting your life back without losing your sanity. She is an adult, she has family members and maybe friends so she can sort herself out.

I really wish there was more help for you and people in your situation out there. Stay strong.

This truly sounds like an awful situation and you are being so patient.

My only two cents would be to not be afraid to call the police to do a check on her if you truly feel concerned about her safety if/when you break things off with her. I agree that de-escalating, trying to be calm, suggesting she move in with her parents/support system prior to breaking things off but you also need to set boundaries for yourself and this cannot go on indefinitely for your own sake. Break things off with her, clue in her parents/let them know you've done so and you're concerned about her safety, and if things really escalate, call the police!

Like many here and on the internet in general, I'd be interested to see how this ends. Finding stories of even slightly positive long term relationships with BPD women seem hard to find on the internet. I keep searching to try and justify the ending of my relationship with my BPD girlfriend. I'm also interested in any behaviors of BPD women during the pandemic. Has spending more time at home with a BPD partner impacted the relationship.

My ex was undiagnosed BPD, self diagnosed as a Highly Sensitive Person. I initially thought she had "only" severe depression. But researching after the relationship ended; BPD plus severe depression seems a reasonable view, though I am not qualified to diagnose.

The relationship was over 6 years but with big gaps after break-ups. We were together three times. Actual time together in a relationship was either between 25 or 29 months; this varied as she supposedly fully broke up with me very early on the third time we got together, just before lockdown and 3 months before we moved in together. In hindsight this breakup seems to have been planned to allow her a final meet with her ex boyfriend and a subsequent meet for sex with either him or a one-off from internet dating. Each of the three times we were in a relationship, they became worse, but the final time was fairly awful in entirety. This was probably because I was being punished for leaving her the second time (even though I was told to go after the first full meltdown I had seen), she left her current partner for me but clearly still remained in love with him (I was being triangulated like she had also done with him) and we were living together (a new experience for both of us). Due to Covid we were in the flat together permanently and she was completely paranoid about the virus; it meant any task or going outside was almost impossible. I'm a runner and outdoor person; so my health and mental state suffered considerably.

Her worry about Covid may not be BPD or even HSP related. She was always an indoor person and this to some degree may have been the perfect excuse not to go out and to lock her and me away.

I can provide more stories, but they are very typical BPD female. The last two months I didn't know who I was, severe depression, anxiety and extreme nervousness. She wanted me gone and was using all emotional techniques to finish me; belittling, extreme rages, days of silent treatment followed by switches to complete normality. The rages included the most disgusting language I have ever heard, spitting on me and physical abuse on two occasions. I think she was surprised I finally said I was leaving, I didn't want to and I did want to return. I was undignified begging to return as I did plan to spend my life and have a family with her.

After 2 months my brain does still crave the daily drama and turmoil. Normal life was what I wanted to escape to, but now I have it, I desperately miss her. Like most BPD women she could also be incredibly affectionate, was very intelligent and attractive. I am in therapy, which is something I thought I'd never do in my life. I may never be completely the same again, but I'll improve.

Since learning about BPD, I understand some of the pain she must have felt and it does make me feel incredibly sad for her and ashamed I was unable to have deep conversations about her problems. She would always say I would run away; but part of the condition is that they push you away, you have almost no choice but to leave eventually. Maybe my story with her is not over yet as I was her first real boyfriend and each time we have got back together it is like she needed me back to save her from something. But this time I think she permanently painted me black when in a broken mental state I told her I no longer loved her and wanted to leave. I am also deluded and in denial in thinking she really does love me and that my story could be any different to 95% of those on the internet.

I don't want to advise any men with BPD partners as I'm still foolishly in love with my ex. However, educate yourself as soon as red flags start appearing, set boundaries and try and have some self respect; all things I failed with.

My experience breaking up with somebody with BPD:

You have to go hard or it doesn't work. The first few times I tried to break up with her she threatened various things that made it impossible for me to follow through with the breakup. I.e. her smashing valuable things I owned, or her expressing how her life would be over and she would be suicidal if I followed through. But in time, with strong encouragement from a friend or two, I realized these were simply tactics of hers and not the actual threats they appeared to be.

When I finally broke up with her, it involved me going out of town, changing the locks to my house, and blocking her on my phone/social media. I still received about 10 threatening emails a day for a month, then she found a new boyfriend.

It was a terrible experience and temporarily gave me PTSD about women but I am so glad I did it sooner than later.

As is probably relatively standard with breakups with a BPD sufferer, I think she never really wanted it to end. Our first split; it felt easy and I hardly looked back at all and we emailed after about 3 months. It was very friendly and we emailed at Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day. I never had any intention of meeting up with her, though I think she was waiting for me to ask. It wasn't until the third time of us being together that I learnt she had a brief and very volatile relationship a few months after we separated this first time. I returned to her when she contacted me in extreme desperation following a somewhat minor medical issue.

Our second separation was again triggered by her, but again, I was told afterwards that she didn't want me to go. But it was the first time I had seen a full meltdown; throwing herself on the floor, wanting to go and be alone on an island, to die etc. From this behavior I was sure she wanted me to leave. But from what I now know about BPD; this was really her crying out for me to stay and rescue her. But if you don't know what you are dealing with; if someone tells you to go in such a manner, you go. We exchanged a few emails afterwards and in hindsight I could see she didn't really want me to leave. But the turmoil that came before this event was pushing me to want to end it. She could not handle any level of stress in what for most people are quite normal life events. She never forgave me for this leaving and her subsequent perceived failings in life were all because I left her in her "most difficult moment"; it stopped her having the family she wanted, the career she wanted and meant she was unable to have a subsequent normal relationship. I do believe her when she said how hard this split hit her; being unable to tidy her room for the next 5 months. She started online dating after about 5 months and met an older, married man after 6 months. It seemed she worked on the basis, if I didn't return within 3 months I didn't love her and I was never coming back.

I missed her incredibly over the next 2.5 years, but was too worried to contact her as I knew she would have a new partner and I didn't want any heartbreak. Also my mental state was probably not great by this stage in my life and eventually I took the plunge and contacted her. After about 2 weeks of emailing, messaging and speaking, she confirmed she was in a relationship with a married man that she had been trying to leave for a long time (I think perhaps the last year). So after about 6 weeks we were back together to some degree. Then Covid came and plans went into flux. We moved in together and things were bad from the start; I was already being devalued and very little I did was ever right or good enough. Things came to a head on her birthday; an event I was being to set to fail on. The rage went on for 2 or 3 days. I couldn't take any more and I packed my most valuable items and left. It was always intended as a short break. I missed her terribly and returned after a week. But in reality; I was finished from abandoning her at this point, the damage was done, she could never trust that I wouldn't run away again. The belittling, rudeness, anger, demands, really increased in intensity from here. Every other day included these to a significant level. I no longer knew what I was meant to do in certain circumstances and I still am unsure exactly why I was ranted at for certain actions. They grind you down to the point where you don't know what is reality, what you are meant to do or what will trigger the next rage. But the moments of affection keep you there and give you hope that things can get better if you just change a few things in your own lifestyle. Two month's of this plus expectation of a further long lockdown in 2021 made me crack. I had not planned to breakup with her, but my mental state had deteriorated significantly and it was unlikely to change.

She didn't threaten suicide to stop me going and in each of our separations; in the moment she seemed happy it was ending. But suicide was spoken about at different points in our relationship and in emails after the final separation. The suicide threats never felt genuine. However, I do worry for her future and her general health appeared poor due to the stress and depression. I could identify a fast heart rate and poor, shallow breathing coupled with other issues.

I'm unsure if she has moved on to her next partner within 2 months of us breaking up. Lockdown and Covid fear may be holding her back and she may honestly be feeling a bit sad about the demise of our relationship. She blocked me immediately and I am not active on social media. I am over 100 miles away from her. But I know she genuinely does like her ex's to fight to get her back; she'd often say how the married man would park outside her flat until she let him in. She was very sexual and what she wanted and how fantastic her previous partners were was included in the rages. I think that would be heartbreaking for most men to hear. She may return to her previous partner; who she swung between loving the most in the world to if she ever saw him on the street she would kill him. Otherwise she'll be back to online dating until she finds someone who will be happy to be sex on demand for her. I know that sounds great, but it doesn't last and a similar cycle will be repeated with another man. I was not a perfect boyfriend; but close to no one could survive a long term proper relationship with her. I loved her deeply and for me it is tragic that after being brave and returning to her after 2.5 years it failed after 7 months living together. She will always be the most special person I have been with and I know I'll never be with someone as exciting again.

BPD is a very significant illness. She was undiagnosed and untreated. I feel desperately sorry for her and anyone who suffers from this. I am not a bitter ex boyfriend and I expect for a long time I will feel guilt and remorse for leaving her. But it was incredibly bad and it is the push/pull, I hate you/don't leave me that all us ex-partners know about. I know a long term relationship, marriage and children with her would not been realistically possible. I also believe I am suffering PTSD currently. Never have I had anything like this before and I know I never want to have it happen again. Though I still don't think the book is fully closed with her and probably I don't want it to be right now.

Hey Firsttimer, how are you feeling now my friend? Trust me when you get her out of your system your life will be so much better (in every single way)

I was with Borderline girl for almost 2 years and she almost destroyed my life, I had to have counselling to get my life and mind back together (as she had broke me in almost every way and my confidence has become rock bottom due to her constant belittlement and controlling ways) i still get the occasional attack of anxiety (3 years later) but I’m 90% better now... I Honestly can’t believe now what I put up with (BPD’s seem to put a kind of spell on you that is addictive.... regardless of their messed up and evil behaviour)

Now I’m in a normal relationship with a normal girl and it is truly amazing; no more controlling ways, no trust issues, no violence, no cheating, no manipulation, no belittlement, no drunken craziness, no walking on eggshells.... etc... etc,.. honestly you will get there my friend

I have 100’s of totally insane stories to tell you about what my my ex did, but I’ll save them for another day

Hope you are feeling a bit better now... and I highly recommend going to talk to a therapist or counsellor, that helped me loads