How devastating is it to find out your high school teenage daughter is having sex?

I read about 25% of this thread, and from what I have read, the thread quickly went from being about whether a 16 year old girl should be having sex to whether people should have sex before marriage.

These are two very different arguments.

A 16 year old girl should NOT be having sex for a number of reasons, most importantly that she is not ready to be a mother. In addition, most 16 year old girls are not emotionally ready to have sex. Yes, a lot happens in the coming 2 years. Most likely, this work-buddy's daughter is in a relationship where she is head-over-heels in love with some kid who only likes her b/c she puts out. That is not healthy.

I am not a weirdo, I know that people have sex before marriage. I don't even think it is wrong. These are kids, though. 16 is young and immature.

I had a steady girlfriend in high school. We did a lot of stuff that I wouldn't want my kids doing. That doesn't make me a hypocrite.

I have a 12 year old daughter, so maybe that makes me biased. She still sleeps with a stuffed animal, as do most of her friends. She isn't 4 years away from being ready for healthy sexual relationships. I suspect that the OP's buddy's daughter isn't either.

Well, I've read most of the stuff in this thread, and as someone who DID wait until he was married to have sex, I regret it bitterly.

I met my future wife at college and we dated for 5 years before getting married - both virgins, much to Candela's approbation, I'm sure.

Problem was, she was and remains repulsed by sex (which is why I suspect she played the virtue card so strongly before we got married). I only found out quite how much she hated sex once I was already married to her. See, there's the problem of waiting to find out how compatible you are in a key part of any relationship - the physical.

We had sex often enough to have borne children however (I suspect the prospect of children was all that made it bearable for her), and I'm the proud father of a 13 year old daughter. If she even hinted to me that she was going to "save herself" for the "man of her dreams", I'd tell her that this was a really really bad idea, and although I would discourage promiscuity, I'd certainly encourage her to think a little more maturely about her approach to sex.

Candela, you're 22. I'm 43, and fortunately now out of that relationship after 20 long years of frustration and pain. If you're going to save yourself, fine, but a word from the wise - be ABSOLUTELY sure that your future wife is as game as you are.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard someone doing. You mean to tell me that after dating for 5 years, you had no idea she was repulsed by sex?? Stupid.You don't have to experiment and have sex with someone to know if you are compatible or not sexually. It's called talking, communicating, planning for your future life together just like you would plan your financial life, professional life, family life together. You don't have to sleep around to figure out if you are compatible sexually. Geez!

Lexmark wrote:

Just, don't provoke people with mental health problems, agree with them and move on.

How do you know that is the best way to deal with them? Is that how people deal with you?

Really Awesome Dad wrote:

I have a 12 year old daughter, so maybe that makes me biased. She still sleeps with a stuffed animal, as do most of her friends. She isn't 4 years away from being ready for healthy sexual relationships. I suspect that the OP's buddy's daughter isn't either.

This. This guys makes the most sense of the issue. 16 year old girls are not adults.

Honest Abe Babe wrote:

Really Awesome Dad wrote:

I have a 12 year old daughter, so maybe that makes me biased. She still sleeps with a stuffed animal, as do most of her friends. She isn't 4 years away from being ready for healthy sexual relationships. I suspect that the OP's buddy's daughter isn't either.

This. This guys makes the most sense of the issue. 16 year old girls are not adults.

It's about F#ckin', not a "healthy sexual relationship". You people need to get over yourselves.. really it's not that big a deal.

Id rather my daughter be good looking popular and date and have sex than be an ugly pig that didnt lose her virginity until age 35.

937; wrote:

So would it be wrong for Romeo and Juliet to have sex before they get married? They clearly loved each other.

Or what if it is an inter-racial couple in Virginia before 1967 (when Virginia's 1924 law that established race-based legal restrictions on marriage)?

Romeo and Juliet got married and then had sex. The former is clearly stated. The latter is implied pretty indiscreetly in numerous spots in the play. Nice job with your reading comprehension. Did they love each other? Only if you accept the idea of love at first sight. Most people don't seem to accept that in these days. Did they believe that pre-marital sex was wrong? Yes. But they also believed that dishonoring their parents and committing suicide was wrong, and we both know how that turned out. Or maybe you missed that part as well.

Lexmark wrote:

Id rather my daughter be good looking popular and date and have sex than be an ugly pig that didnt lose her virginity until age 35.

How old is your daughter? I bet you don't even have one. And why do you use the either/or fallacy? This is not a situation where only one of the above can be true. Why can't you hope for your daughter to be a normal and popular girl who lives a happy life and has sex with a man she loves at an age that is appropriate for her?

Really Awesome Dad wrote:

I have a 12 year old daughter, so maybe that makes me biased. She still sleeps with a stuffed animal, as do most of her friends. She isn't 4 years away from being ready for healthy sexual relationships. I suspect that the OP's buddy's daughter isn't either.

Yes, she WILL be ready for sex in 4yrs. This is the problem w/ the US. People think teenagers are not, "ready" for sex. That is absurd.

She'll want to do it, and if you don't give her the education and protection she needs so she does not get harmed, she is going to talk to you about sex when there is a problem.

Replying only to the OP.

I don't know what you should do to cheer up the guy. But maybe some examples of others who had sex at that age will help him see that more than likely she will be just fine. I bet his biggest fear is his daughter turning into a slut or pregnancy.

My ex gf. Lost virginity at 13, yes 13! She dated the guy for 5 years, they broke up when they went to college. That was really, really young to jump in the sack and yes she wishes she waited a bit longer. BUT it was a healthy, long and stable relationship which she learned a lot from. Today (she is 29 now) she is the mother of our only child, has a great job, is quite happy and as this man is probably fearing most, is not a slut. Also she never got pregnant until she and I purposely had our child.

My current gf. Lost virginity at 15. Dated the guy for 3 years, broke up when they went to college. Same thing as before, she wishes she waited longer, but it was a stable, long term and healthy relationship. She learned a lot and has only slept with two other men since the first, so once again she isn't a slut. She has never been pregnant.

Maybe if you give this guy these examples his fear will lessen. Plenty of people start early and many end up just fine.

Lexmark wrote:

It's about F#ckin', not a "healthy sexual relationship". You people need to get over yourselves.. really it's not that big a deal.

Why can't f#ckin' be a healthy sexual relationship? It can, dumb ass.

Lexmark wrote:

Id rather my daughter be good looking popular and date and have sex than be an ugly pig that didnt lose her virginity until age 35.

You're clearly not a father. If you are, I really pity your poor daughter.

Honest Abe Babe wrote:

This. This guys makes the most sense of the issue. 16 year old girls are not adults.

Adolescent sexuality is normal....adolescents being sexual is normal and natural. If you tell them otherwise, they will just not tell you about their sexual experimentation, until there is a problem.

Sex is not the exclusive province of adults. Nor should it be.

He is just mad because he stole my video collection and saw his daughter featured in several of my collector's edition videos.

I can relate to the OP, many years ago a buddy of mine found out that his high achieving athletically and academically 15 year daughter was sexually active. I say active in that she was having sex on regular basis. He was devastated not for religious reasons, but because it shattered his idea of her being so level headed and innocent. I guess he also felt it would stop her from achieving the high he had for her, which it didn't.

Interestingly, he also had 17 year old free spirit and somewhat low achieving daughter who he assumed would end up pregnant before she graduated H.S., she was still a virgin at that time. Both daughters are in the their mid to late 20s now and are doing quite well in their careers, life in general and are very responsible young women.

I am not sure what my point is other than to say it's not the end of world. I reminded my friend of what we were doing when we were his daughter’s age and the ages of the girls we were doing it with. Sex is a very adult act, and I think boys and girls should wait until they can handle the emotional, risk and complicated issues that go along with it. That age to me is around 19/20 for most people. However, sex is normal human physiological act that we are supposed to perform and it is the highest physical expression of love...there is nothing at all strange about young girls having sex and I don't think it makes them a bad person and if should not change your relationship with your daughter. It might be wise to alert the boy's parents and get your daughter on the pill at that point, becasue you can't stop it. – My wife agrees with me on this.

Having morals is a good thing. Abstaining from sex until you are mature enough to handle the consequences both physically and mentally is a good thing. Personal religious convictions is not a bad thing. It is when the people force their morality on others and legalize morality that it becomes a bad thing. Major teaching of Christ was about religious humility and against religious hypocricy.

The only people qualified to post a response in this thread are those with daughters aged 10 and up. Everyone else please go away.

unfortunately most parents in the US either delay or neglect any conversations about sex until their kids are so old that it becomes a difficult conversation.

talk to your kids early and often. age appropriate discussions starting when they are young so it's always comfortable and they understand that you are there for them.

there is no right and wrong. there is no reality, only perception. do as thou wilt.

The foolish little trained dogs jumping through their religion's hoops and decrying the immorality of sex are disgusting. If you don't like people casually sleeping around that is one thing, but sex should be a physical expression of personal values. Having sex with someone you love, whether or not you are married is a good thing. It is one of the most fulfilling things there is. I had sex when I was 16 and was completely ready for it and didn't experience any guilt. I used a condom and she was on birth control. When my parents found the condom wrapper I foolishly left in my pocket they didn't freak out because they weren't miserable little cretins desperately clinging to beliefs that promise a false salvation. It shouldn't be a devastating revelation for a father to find out his 16 year old daughter is having sex, it should just prompt him to make sure that she is being safe and going about it in a way that she won't regret.