REUTERS. Santiago, Chile: Downtown Santiago, Chile is in flames as rioters have flooded the streets to protest recent inflammatory comments made by members of the independent news media online. Internationally renowned elite running website Letsrun.com published a headline on its front page (well, its only page) today screaming bloody hell to all sub-elite runners of the world. The headline read: "Baby Olympics this weak (sic)" referring to the Pan Am Games, set to be held here over the next 10 days.
Members of the Pan Am committee, athletes, fans, family members, and concerned citizens, in a vehement show of disapproval of the brutally insensitive wording, spontaneously rose up to defend the integrity of their track meet. "This is ri god dam diculous!" shouted Jose Martinez, who by the way holds a 10k track pr of 28:57.34, just so you know he's not slow, like you probably think from the comment. "Just because I didn't make the Olympics doesn't make me a baby!" he continued. As he broke down wailing and crying, he moaned: "I'm just as good as you, Wejo, I'm just as good as you! And I'm better than almost everybody else, too! See how special I am? Don't you understand I'm special too?" Letsrun.com co-founder Wejo could not be contacted for this story. He went missing hours after the blasphemous headline was caught by the Associated Press. NOONE HAS SEEN HIM SINCE. .
Twin brother and co-founded Rojo was available for comment. The contrite and defeated brother of the unmasked fascist egomaniac Wejo quipped, "I don't know what that asshole was thinking writing such garbage. Why couldn't he just write 'Pan Am Games set for this weak (sic)?' Why Wejo, why?!"
Former Pan Am Games participant Mick Simmonds was contacted by our staff and had this to say of the dastardly, inflammatory, reprehensibly, despicable, deplorable rhetoric from Wejo: "As a former Pan Am Games participant, and now famous athlete, I have the right to speak for all Pan Am Games peoples, or as we are better known, the underground warriors of usually lesser but sometimes greater talent than thou elitist olympians. And we say: 'Up yours, Wejo!' Scum of the track world, you are. You and your 'opinions'. All you want to do is make money by charging us to read your site. You can't even spell words right you elitist and seemingly uneducated jerk face! Yea, you're so freakin elitist because your site isn't sophisticated and owned my multinational corporations! Die, jerk! All of us nice, kind hearted people are tired of having to deal with your free quotes and message board and opinion pieces. So us nice, kind hearted non-elitists have this to say: you suck!"
Former olympian Jabe Gennings had this to say: "Dude. Someone gets (sic) these people some reefer. In the end, man, we're all in this thing together. Wejo's a nice guy, helped me out when I got attacked by a bandito in Brazil, even though my 10k pr isn't as fast as his. Took a lot of guts for him to even talk to someone as low as me on the totem pole. I guess you could say he was watching out for us little guys on that day." Gennings trailed off before being overcome by a mob of "peaceful olympic destroyers".
A random guy walking down the street had this to say: "Baby Olympics? What? Why say that? That's so unnecessary, bro. Just because they don't run as fast, he has to call them babies? Well, they try really hard, don't they? Why does he have to bring the size of my genitals into this?" When reminded by this reporter that Wejo didn't say anything about how hard they tried, how much he respected them or the size of his genitalia, the random man replied, "It's a free country, man, so I can interpret this harmless quote however I want, and I am going to get my money's worth out of this one, because I am chock full of a false sense of amazingness and bruised ego. So excuse me, reporter guy, I've got a website to bash."
To say the least, it was a crazy scene down here on the streets. It appears everyone attached somehow to the Pan Am Games had simmering frustrations and insecurities just waiting to explode. And today, explode they did. Will the Commonwealth Games be the next to face the wrath of Wejo's mighty electronic pen? Or the All African Games? Great, meaningful events not named the olympics all around the world are braced for the aftershocks of this gigantic blow to the ego of the Pan Am Games. Before today, nobody seemed to realize that the OLYMPICS ARE A BIGGER DEAL THAN THE PAN AM GAMES TO THE AVERAGE TRACK AND FIELD HARD CORE FAN, even though the worth of the people in both competitions is the same. Now, with reality staring all of us Pan Americans in the face, the question becomes, how can we face ourselves in the mirror tomorrow? Will it be like staring at the Hunchback of Notre Dame, or the Beast in Beauty and the Beast? Or perhaps Shrek, an ugly, but still lovable green ogre played by Mike Myers? The damage will be deep, surely. But we, like so many oppressed and humiliated people before us, we shall overcome this tyranny. We shall overcome!!!