When can I get married?

you're -> your *ack*

SDgdra wrote:

OP- Don't ask for life advice from these people. If you know this is the girl you want to marry, date for at least a year and then go for it. When you know, you know. There is no reason to wait 8 years. It is correct that there is a greater divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage. This is ironic because people who do this actually think they are helping their future marriage. Read the book The Defining Decade and you'll realize how much evidence there is that delaying marriage is a bad idea.

Thank you. Nice to know there are signs of intelligent life out there

Divorce statistics in red states are generally higher than in blue states because people get married very young. Generally, this is because they believe that sex/cohabitation before marriage is a sin. If I had to wait until I was married to have sex, I would have gotten married at 22 and would have been divorced by 24.

Boarder from Sante Fe wrote:

SDgdra wrote:

OP- Don't ask for life advice from these people. If you know this is the girl you want to marry, date for at least a year and then go for it. When you know, you know. There is no reason to wait 8 years. It is correct that there is a greater divorce rate for couples who live together before marriage. This is ironic because people who do this actually think they are helping their future marriage. Read the book The Defining Decade and you'll realize how much evidence there is that delaying marriage is a bad idea.

Thank you. Nice to know there are signs of intelligent life out there

this is absolutely hilarious. you purportedly come here looking for advice, and your response to advice that you don't agree with is that the advice-givers do not even have signs of intelligence.

why are you seeking advice if you are so sure already that your perspective is the best one?

You met her a few months ago? So you've seen her what, 8 times in your life? Have you slept together?

If you are going to ignore the advice that suggests living together before getting married, I would wait until at least you live close by and see each other many times a week. Then, wait at least a year before considering marriage.

Wait until at least six months after you no longer feel "in love". Why? Because that is how you will feel while you are married. You better know what it feels like before asking to make a lifetime commitment to it.

Your welcome.

You need to be confident in your decision making capabilities as a couple. Only knowing how to have others tell you how to act is a dangerous way to enter marriage.

So get off LRC and figure it out with her.

I would say 1.5 years minimum, and that's only if you've spent a LOT of time together during that time and been with each other under a lot of different circumstances (road trips and vacations are very useful for deciding if a person is marriage material). You also want to have a lot of different real discussions about important things like children, money, politics, religion, where you want to be in your life 10, 20 years from now, what you need to be happy, etc. I'm currently somewhat in love with a girl who seems perfect in nearly every way, but she's a scientifically illiterate hardcore Christian and thinks she needs to be rich to be happy in life. Sorry, no deal. Doesn't matter how much we have in common and how much we like each other, those things are going to cause serious problems down the road.

Besides that, people can change. Everyone is on their best behavior when relationships are new. I had a girl change from marriage material the first 4 months to someone I felt should probably kill herself for how horrible of a person she is and the negative impact she had on the world and everyone around her (sounds harsh, but she is literally the second worst human being I've ever known; the first is a legitimate psychopath and a habitual criminal). Just because things are great now doesn't mean they will be once you guys get more used to each other and the excitement of the relationship dies down a little. Keep in mind that the two of you will be blinded by emotions for a while. Understanding that, you will have to avoid doing certain things even if they feel right at the time.

I'm sure you will get a lot of similar advice on this thread.

Thank you. Nice to know there are signs of intelligent life out there

Yeah, after that gem I'm pretty sure you're not going to get much more advice. The dude who said you sound incredibly immature was right. You have absolutely no personal experience on the issue, yet you label people that have actually lived through this stuff as unintelligent because they tell you what you don't want to hear? You sound like a bratty little kid who is gonna be carrying his wife's purse for her in about a year.

JoeyJoeJoeJrShabadoo wrote:

You sound like a bratty little kid who is gonna be carrying his wife's purse for her in about a year.

I will gladly hold it for her tomorrow

[quote]Guppy wrote:

I had a girl change from marriage material the first 4 months to someone I felt should probably kill herself for how horrible of a person she is and the negative impact she had on the world and everyone around her (sounds harsh, but she is literally the second worst human being I've ever known

i see

..... wrote:

[quote]Guppy wrote:

I had a girl change from marriage material the first 4 months to someone I felt should probably kill herself for how horrible of a person she is and the negative impact she had on the world and everyone around her (sounds harsh, but she is literally the second worst human being I've ever known

i see

I stayed with her too long hoping things would change back. They never did of course. And I'm not alone in my thinking. Every person who was around her or heard the stories I told thought she belonged in a mental institution. This was someone who ended up having no positive influence on anyone ever and took the enjoyment out of everything she was a part of. I can honestly say the world would be a better place if she (and others like her) did not exist. My whole point though was that people can change, usually for the worse (if they were "bad" people when you met you'd never have stuck around long enough for them to change into "good" people.) Something to consider anyway.

You sound like a super smart guy to let her go.

Based on your other posts, I'm going to go ahead and assume you aren't sleeping with this girl at least pre-engagement. If I'm wrong, a lot of my advice is probably not relevant.

Ignore most (not all)of the advice from people telling you to live in with her before getting married (including most other things they're saying); they have a fundamentally different world view than you do, and their advice is all geared to that world view.

There is a reason that arranged marriages have a higher success rate, even in the US, than normal marriages; commitment and a willingness to accommodate / love the other person no matter what matter more than the way you feel about the other person going into the marriage.

As far as when is too soon really too soon:

You've dated long distance. That will speed up a relationship quite a bit; instead of meeting up to do something a couple times a week where you might do things which really don't teach you much about the other person, you might talk, face to face, for hours a day, getting to know each other much, much faster than you otherwise would. If you haven't already, you need to actually discuss (in detail) the big issues that can split a marriage up: differences on opinions on religion and philosophy, values, money and careers, sex, future locations, future children and their existence / number/ raising.

If you've done all that, my advice would be to not get engaged / married until you've had at least a couple arguments that have left you steaming even after you've stopped talking for the evening. Also, it would probably help if you did something very stressful where you stay with her and control and personal habits are an issue (like a road trip) before getting engaged. Finally, don't get engaged before you can identify at least a couple of flaws. Make sure you're seeing clearly.

After you've done the above, I don't see there being a too soon; whether it's six weeks or 6 years. (Although if it takes more than 3 years and you both started dating later than high school and aren't in the military, you're probably doing something wrong).

Post Note: I read the thread more completely, and I'm giving advice remarkably similar to Guppy, who has a very different world view than I do. Maybe my advice is more general than I thought.

Do you want to have some idea of what divorce feels like? It feels like part of your soul has died because that person you were married to treats you as if you are worthless. It is the cruelest form of pain because of who it came from. You loved and valued that person more than anyone. They know you better than anyone. You trusted them more than anyone. And at some point after all the hurtful things they do and say, you reach a cold point where there is no love or hatred. You look at them and the only thing you are able to see are the scars they gave you. And then you pray that you will be able to make it through the day pretending you are okay. You pray that whatever is left of you is enough.

I don't mean to come off as mean when I write this; I'm not trolling.

You need to get yourself some help. I'm a good woman. I am kind and loving. I have values I live by.

I think your guilt for ruining my name and torturing me has built up to a point where you are disgusted by yourself and you don't feel worthy to live. I see you getting progressively worse and I don't deserve the anger you are projecting. You need to forgive yourself and let it go. It has gone on for so long that I believe you need professional help. please, please go.

After you see poopy stains in her panties

If you are ok with it and can still toss a nice salad at bed without being on your mind....YOU ARE READY

What's the rush. If she is perfect and you are confident that she loves you too, then you shouldn't rush into marriage. Give it a year or two and take your time. Life and marriage is long, there is never a rush.

Oh and one more thing.

I met my wife senior year in college. I actually stopped running cross country that year so that we could spend more time together and so I was not on the road every weekend (plus I was coming off an injury and low fitness summer). We lived together after college. I waited 6 years to get married. There was no sense of urgency for either of us.

Living together is a good idea and way more of a challenge than marriage. If I could give one bit of advice after being married for 16 years and together for 22... Make sure that you seriously understand her priorities in life especially as it pertains to money. When I was young, I didn't have any money, so when we got some we would have fun spending it. That's easy. When you get older, chances are you will build up savings and spend a solid part of your life working hard. Perhaps you want to spend it on your kids, maybe a top level eductation. Maybe you want to buy a summer home. Maybe she loves to travel and wants to tour Europe every summer. Maybe you want to save every dime because that is your nature. The couples that I know that have split up usually had disputes on how they chose to spend money.

If your life and spending priories align, then that is a huge stress relief on a marriage. If not, then you will need to address it right away (i.e. maybe separate accounts, budgets, planning, etc.)

Best of luck.