You're very smart to be skeptical of having a kid with her right now. It will not fix your problems (or perhaps it will seem to, but only very temporarily.)
It bothers me that it bothers her that you run, especially since you're running at 5am and during lunch breaks. It's like she's not accepting you for who you are.
I feel for you man. Whatever you do, remember that things will get better someday, somehow!
YMCMB wrote:
What do you do for a living dude? If you make good money then hell yes you should leave her ass, you could then start getting hot hard bodies in the 18-22 year old age range.
Not enough for some women. My chances are slim (pun) that I'd get a nice piece of tail post marriage anyways. Need to step over to crossfitting I guess.
Well - do you love her? Or even like her? Do you want to live with this person?
There are no kids, so that makes splitting up realistic.
You have to actually like a person to make a good marriage/partnership - do you have that?
Sounds like you have a confidence problem... probably why it's so hard to leave the ball and chain.
Norman B. wrote:
YMCMB wrote:What do you do for a living dude? If you make good money then hell yes you should leave her ass, you could then start getting hot hard bodies in the 18-22 year old age range.
Not enough for some women. My chances are slim (pun) that I'd get a nice piece of tail post marriage anyways. Need to step over to crossfitting I guess.
Also, see every other divorce thread on this site... The guys who go through with it always seem to come out the other side much happier, that is if there are no kids involved. I'm planning on going for the big D myself sometime in the next 6 months.
whats your 5K pr?
This does not strike me as a relationship that can work.
And certainly it is not a relationship where (as accurately identified by Norman B) having children should be considered.
What amuses me is that I think Norman B already knows the answer here - that this is a relationship which will not work - indeed, he doesn't appear to nearly have the patience and "social work" skills required to deal with this spouse. This doesn't mean he is a bad guy, but dealing with her is not in his wheelhouse of skills (it would not be in mine, either). But he sure as heck wants other runners to agree with him. Forget it, get mentally tough and rigorous on the issue (as I suspect Norman B already has), make a decision, move forward, and deal with the guilt quickly and view it as part of the territory. And you will not need approval from others.
Note that the lack of intimacy is a huge problem - no good marriage can exist without it - and women in particular often become delusional on this point - and the fact that it has occurred two years in is simply disastrous. Trust me - at age 50 this would be a huge problem - and would likely lead to affairs and other acting out behavior which causes nothing but trouble and would drag everyone down.
The other factor here is that if you do want kids - you are spinning in circles with this woman because she will not be a good partner - even if somehow she is a good mother - she will not be a good partner to you and that is what the kids will see - again, this is a disaster. Move on, and do it your own way.
Norman B. wrote:
Her depression came quickly after the wedding, honeymoon, the purchase of our home, and the adoption of a dog. She was pretty intent on having all of these things within the first year. After the thrill of that went away, things took a nosedive. She has been on Strattera and Lamictal throughout our marriage. The dosage has been tinkered with quite often to find the right balance.
She had none of these symptoms or any of this erratic behavior while we were dating. We had dated 2 and half years prior to tying the knot.
She has sought personal counseling throughout our marriage, and we are on our second marriage counselor.
I would suggest that your marriage counselor and her therapist should be the same person. Also, I would suggest that she should be using a Psychiatrist to prescribe the meds (not a general practitioner) and ideally her therapist and her Psychiatrist should work in the same practice so that they can work as a team.
Sounds to me like she has unrealistic expectations for herself and for you as a couple. She needs to learn to live in the moment and try to quit keeping up with the Joneses. I think a lot of people unfortunately feel this pressure in thier late 20's to 30's.
If you decide to cut bait, then don't give it a second thought. You are still a very young man.
Chick logic: I want a kid so I'll give him the post-nuptial shutoff.
What are you training for that you are running 70mpw?
I am sorry to hear that one of my letsrun brethren is having marital difficulties. But don't despair, there is still hope if you follow my advice. What you should do with is playfully bend her over, lift up her skirt, rip off her panties and do her from behind!! And do her hard.
Voila, problem solved.
Could be a troll.. often when people lie they give TOO much information.
And man, that's a lot of info.
She's not capable of a healthy relationship. It's not your fault. Here's the litmus test. Does she think there's a better relationship possible for her with another guy? Does she talk about getting a divorce so she can move on? So far it sounds like you're the one who has it together enough to know you can meaningfully contribute to a relationship; you're the one has something worthwhile to give.
The reason you're stuck in this relationship is because she isn't marketable and has nowhere else to go. She's not latching onto you because she loves you, but because she believes she's a miserable person to be with and that nobody will want to be with her, so she better keep this charade going.
I've met plenty of divorced parents who say the best thing they got out of their marriage was their kids. Let's look at this from her perspctive right now. The marriage stinks. Is there anything she can get out of it before it ends? Yep, kids. And, maybe even a stay-at-home gig! You'd be a real sucker if you gave her a kid and a free pass.
Pride and disappointment are two powerful things that will keep you there. You naturally want to bring out the best in her, but she won't let you and, to top it off, she's inhibiting you from bringing out the best in yourself by disliking how you choose to spend your time away from her. If she truly loved you, she'd do one of two things: 1) get her act together or 2) divorce you so that her failure doesn't have to become yours. She's not thinking about your best interest when she's dragging the whole household down with her and you don't want to introduce your child to that, either.
Norman B. wrote:
Cephus wrote:[quote]kjsdf09a5xz wrote:
I second this, also it sounds like your wife may want to see another Doctor for her depression as well. Treatment of depression is very much an art and is best addressed through a combo of therapy in addition to medication(s).
My two cents is that her depression is the root of the issue, and depression is a very curable disease if treated properly. Good luck, Bro.
Her depression came quickly after the wedding, honeymoon, the purchase of our home, and the adoption of a dog. She was pretty intent on having all of these things within the first year. After the thrill of that went away, things took a nosedive. She has been on Strattera and Lamictal throughout our marriage. The dosage has been tinkered with quite often to find the right balance.
She had none of these symptoms or any of this erratic behavior while we were dating. We had dated 2 and half years prior to tying the knot.
She has sought personal counseling throughout our marriage, and we are on our second marriage counselor.
Well, it certainly doesn't sound like the prospects are good. I most definitely would NOT consider children at this point. That will only complicate matters further and make for a miserable childhood for those unfortunate children. Quite honestly, it sounds like it's over to me and time for both of you to move on.
This^ You must know in your gut it's what's right for you.
Maybe you should quit running?
EZ10Miler wrote:
Could be a troll.. often when people lie they give TOO much information.
And man, that's a lot of info.
Troll or not, the information was valid and interesting enough to spur a serious discussion that might be helpful to some people.
If you stay in this situation, two years from now I can almost guaranty you will still be miserable. I don't see much changing. Why would you want 24 more months of misery?
Life's too short.
Bite the bullet and divorce; do all the really ugly stuff that has to be done (break the news, deal with the tears, divide assets, attorneys, find a new place, get some time alone and get healthy).
In two years, you could have a whole new outlook in life...running as much as you want with optimism for the future. If you want future happiness, you have to go find it.
You might even find a supportive, happy woman who enjoys running as much as you do. One who is not a chemically dependent basket-case.
You know what you have to do...now do it.
I'll bite on the troll's bait anyway...
For the most part, A PERSON CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON. She's under the impression that a child will make her happy. In reality, a child would make for 3 miserable people instead of 2.
Get the f*ck out now...if you are Catholic, get an anulment. Do not bring a child into this mess.
First this she should do is get a checkup and a do a complete bloodwork to make sure she's not deficient in anything. (VitD, etc).