WSJ.com Article on People Running So Much They're Ruining Their Marriages

Do people point to a random person in a crowd and marry that person?? While I think he and his family would benefit from a better balance, the guy in the article is spot on when he says that with three advanced degrees and an ambitious career it should not surprise his wife that he goes after training and racing with such fervor. If it wasn't this it would have been coke, gambling, or climbing Mt. Everest. It's obvious that this is just what his personality is. And again, how did she not understand this before marrying him? It seems to me her problem is more with who he is than what he does, and that is a sad thing for that couple.

Garrett Ash wrote:

It does seem that running while in a romantic relationship is possible but running while you have kids is much, much harder.

Bingo. I've tried running in the AM; not the most fun in MN winters. After work only have 2-3 hours before they go to bed, that's too fun a time to miss out on, after putting them to bed you want to actually have a conversation with your wife, and just relax. Only way I've been able to squeeze it in is to run to and from work, which has the bonus of cutting down my driving, and at least some of that time was already committed. Just can't identify with the guy in that article, but to each their own.

wejo wrote:

So for everyone else out there feel free to chime in on how your spouse views your running.

Well, he shouldn't complain since he plays golf...;)

I actually didn't start running until kids were in grade school and since they've gotten a bit older, I don't feel guilty leaving them. Before running, I always kept in shape through cross training ie, spin class, elliptical, weights. Never took more than an hour and half. Did this few times a week versus running almost every day now. I don't think running takes up nearly the time like other sports or activities.

It is all about compromise with each other. I think too once you've been together for awhile, you get to the point--you want the other spouse to get out and do their own thing! Although now, my spouse has started to run this past year and he's spending less time on the golf course. I guess that is a good thing!

I agree with the Letsrun consensus that Mrs. Waxman is a horrible, horrible person. The article (especially the picture with him snoeshoeing in the background) did a good job of making Mr. Waxman look like a clown too, and I think this was totally appropriate, especially given the times that he has produced with his training.

I don't know these people. Likely their relationship issues are long and complicated. Work and marriage and kids will do that.

She may feel like he has not held up his end of the family responsibilities.

His hobby then becomes an easy target for her frustration. Particularly if he seems regimented or obsessive in his training. Maybe that is all he can talk about. I've seen many people who would miss family events (mundane to big) because they would not bend their training schedule.

He just happens to train for triathlons. It could instead be work, golf, fishing or drinking or Tiger Woods type escapades.

I'm guessing the family is a little shocked at the final copy of the article. Not likely how they thought they were being profiled.

I cannot understand what difference it makes if you run while everyone else in your house is asleep. My significant other used to complained about this all the time when we were still together. Do you really need your spouse around you 24/7, even while unconscious?

That said, the guy in the article is kind of a bum for going to bed at 9pm, unless he wakes up at like 4 am or something.

even a 3 hour long run takes less time than golf, fishing, watching a football game, some movies, etc...

I don't see the big deal with ppl trying to achieve to the best of their athletic abilities, so long as they don't shirk their minimum responsibilities to do so. You're a terrible person if you try to take athletics away from someone.

Exercise commute, run to work and back and you sorted, the 2hours your spend in traffic or on public transport is better used.

I just can't understand why anybody would exercise so much and risk their marriage when you can accomplish your goals and inspire your children so much easier by running in the West Wyoming Marathon.

If running is not at the center of your existence, you

should be posting somewhere else.

I think the issue with the Waxman couple is they do not communicate, not that he exercises too much.

My wife and I are both runners. When I'm in shape, I have a difficult time getting a workout in when running with her. I communicated that with her and we decided we would run together one or twice every week. It gives me a recovery day and her a harder run. We also worked out our schedules so we have ample time together.

I like this line:

"The threat can go beyond time issues. If one partner gets a new, buff appearance and a new circle of buff acquaintances, romantic possibilities can open up—and give the other spouse good reason to feel insecure about his or her own physique."

You look good -- I don't like that!!

Runaddcited wrote:

Seriously though, between running, lifting, some stretching, I might average 80 minutes per day - everybody should be getting 60 minutes a day of exercise/play, so what the f***?

+1. The average American watches 28 hours of television per week. High mileage runners spend about half that amount of time each week running. So, theoretically, you could still fit in 14 hours of TV/week with the family, run 100+ mpw, and do whatever else it is the average American does.

Now, triathletes, who spend 20+ hours/week, might cause problems, but those guys are usually douchey and would make lousy husbands, wives, fathers, etc., anyway.

A TL;DR answer to the OP:

My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. She has known me since I won the State 2 Mile as a Junior. She knows that I am a runner.

We are no in our 30s with 2 kids. I am not as serious about running anymore, but I still put in about 60-80 miles a week. I just like running.

We lived in the Bay area for a few years after we got married and I commuted to work via running. This seemed to work well as I didn't have to deal with traffic, got huge mileage each week and pretty much saved time. I could be home well before I would have via car and already had my pm run accomplished.

Worked well until my job moved to another part of the city and I had to drive. All of a sudden things got a little shaky. Now my running was a huge issue b/c I had to take HUGE chunks of time out of our life to run.

I had to be at work at 8am and my commute took over an hour. I had to be done running by 7am which is tough on a regular basis. Plus, you get home from the run and you want to see your wife, etc. That just wasn't in the cards b/c I had to hurry to get dressed and prepared for work.

After work I didn't get home until an hour or two after my wife, and she would be ready for dinner. If I were to run after work, we wouldn't see each other until about 9pm and that isn't right. Something had to change.

She had put up with my running all through college. I know it sounds stupid, but people like to have fun in college. If you chose running, that is one thing, but she didn't chose it, I did. She still put up with it and dealt with the fact that I cared more about NCAA qualifiers than frat parties. She had plenty of friends and went out with them, but always ended up wanting to come back to my apartment. Sometimes that made me mad (early workout, etc). Basically, it had always been about me.

So we had a kid and I knew I was being selfish, something had to change. I wanted to be a better father/husband. I looked for another job and found one in a less stressful part of the country (also closer to family).

Now, I run at 6am while the family is still asleep, and i don't head into the office until 9. My office is a mile from our house. I leave my house at 8:55. I get home from my run, feed the dog, wake up the kids, get them dressed, eat breakfast with everyone and just enjoy being with them. If I double, I usually run at lunch or right after work. I can still be home around 6 or so with an 8 miler in the PM.

At first my wife was a little pissy about me continuing to run, but when she realized that all of her friends had husbands who play golf for hours on end, she realized that my runs weren't really that bad.

We belong to a Country Club and most of my friends play golf and squash (in the winter). I do not play either of these b/c I run instead. My friends always try to get me to come out, but they understand that I made a choice. I wouldn't want to play golf anyway, I am too manic. I actually like tennis and squash, and I play tennis with my wife, but it isn't really a hobby.

In the end, you have to realize that you cannot be selfish about running. If you care about it, you need to change things to make it more doable. If you are interfering on life or relationships, you need to make some changes.

Running is important, but it is not as important as your family.

NJ Possible wrote:

I like this line:

"The threat can go beyond time issues. If one partner gets a new, buff appearance and a new circle of buff acquaintances, romantic possibilities can open up—and give the other spouse good reason to feel insecure about his or her own physique."

You look good -- I don't like that!!

I think that was one of the issues in my marriage with running. It made her feel insecure about her own appearance and weight.

I never looked at other women but running to give me a new circle of friends and made me a happier, more confident person. I think that was threatening to her.

"now"

"choose"

plenty of other errors, just ignore them.

thanks

My wife isn't crazy about my running, but my girlfriend loves it...

not so bitter divorced guy wrote:

I think that was one of the issues in my marriage with running. It made her feel insecure about her own appearance and weight.

I never looked at other women but running to give me a new circle of friends and made me a happier, more confident person. I think that was threatening to her.

This started happening to us in college, and she started working out like a champ.

Once we were married, she bought an elliptical and we have weights. She just works out when the kids are at school or napping.

I do not think it is a bad thing. My wife credits me with her ability to quit smoking, eat healthy and have a kickass body.

I know you are better off - Some people just shouldn't be married to each other. I enjoy your posts and it makes me happy that you are in a better place.

Still, do you think you could have handled that particular situation differently? I have some running friends who chide their wives instead of encouraging them. It always seems weird to me...

Did you make her feel bad about herself? In retrospect?

oldtimerunner wrote:

My wife spends about an hour every day after work at the gym.

Your wife is banging another man.